by Anita Kinley
Chapter Two
Waking from a deep sleep, familiar, searing pains coursed through Roman’s legs. Disturbing Kyle in the progress, he pulled his legs from their embrace, sitting on the side of the bed. The pain was almost unbearable, with sensations he described to doctors as “smoldering fire.” Reaching quickly into the nightstand, he retrieved his bottle of liquid Demerol, only to realize he had no water close to mix it with. His choices included trying to walk to the kitchen, or to use his glass of wine a short distance away. Before he had time to ponder either decision, Kyle was kneeling on the floor in front of him.
“The pain is worse this time, isn’t it?”
Not giving him a chance to reply, Roman watched Kyle disappear into the bathroom, retrieving a glass of water from the tap.
“Take your meds, and then I’m taking you to the ER!”
Roman violently shook his head.
“It’s anguish for me to see you like this, not to mention what you must be feeling.”
“The whirlpool, perhaps deep tissue massage,” Roman replied, breathless. “They have both worked in the past.”
Ten minutes later, both men were sitting in the tub, with Roman leaning against Kyle’s chest. As the effects of the medication mixed with the pulsating jets, Roman focused on Kyle’s voice in his ear mumbling something about visualization techniques he had learned as part of his physical therapy training.
Kyle’s voice was talking about two men very much in love on a beach near their condo on the lake, making promises in last night’s sunset. Barefoot, they both wore white, repeating vows in front of an intimate group of family and friends. He continued to talk about the older man’s nervousness, which he had carefully tried to hide later when they were alone. The younger man had quickly taken the lead, sealing their union.
After what seemed like only a few minutes, but was probably much longer, Roman heard Kyle whisper, “We need to get you out of here.”
Roman woke later to what smelled like homemade soup, as Kyle pushed a bowl at him.
“I made chicken noodle. I thought you might need something hot in your stomach on top of the medication. I guess what you said about not being much of a cook was right. I had to run to the store to even make that.”
“How long was I out?” Roman asked, running a hand through his chestnut hair, as he fought the groggy effects of the Demerol.
“We got in the tub at noon…were out by one…and now it’s almost eight. I’d say about seven hours.”
“Not much of a honeymoon, huh?”
“Just eat, we can talk later,” Kyle replied, visibly upset.
Between bites, Roman said, smiling, “Just talk? I had hoped that we could…” He paused at the odd look on Kyle’s face.
“Do nothing,” Kyle interrupted, finishing the sentence for him. “I think you should just take another dose of Demerol and rest until morning.”
“Before you interrupted me, I wanted to say that I wanted us to make love again later.”
“Probably no chance of that! Making love is not exactly the word I would have chosen, though,” Kyle said sarcastically, whispering an alternative under his breath, “and you seemed to be more than willing to do that last night!”
“I was willing to be open and honest with you.”
“That’s debatable! So how’s the pain responding to the medication?”
“A dull ache, and probably will be for a few days. Is there something I am missing in this conversation?” Roman asked, setting the bowl of half-eaten soup on the nightstand.
He felt Kyle take hold of his hand. “I have never meant anything more than what we shared last night on the beach and in this bed together.”
“Yeah, neither have I.”
Expecting Kyle to continue the conversation, Roman was surprised when his husband ran a hand over his face, abruptly standing, and ending with his back turned, looking out the window.
“We need to talk,” Kyle finally said.
“That’s obvious,” Roman said, limping slightly as he joined Kyle, wrapping his arms around him.
Kyle leaned into his embrace.
“Talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong. You know I am glad you were here for me today.”
“I love you, Roman,” he murmured.
“Come to bed,” Roman whispered.
“I want to hear you say it.”
“What?” Roman asked as he began kissing Kyle’s neck.
“Stop,” Kyle replied, pulling away from his embrace as his sarcasm increased. “You didn’t seem to have a problem telling her grave last week, or every time we go, for that matter! How long have I been going with you now? Twice a week for the last year! Maybe we could make love. I could pretend to be Lisa, kind of a dark fantasy. What would you say to her?”
Turning to face him, it shocked Roman to see fresh tears in Kyle’s eyes, and it equally shocked to see him so vulnerable. Usually Kyle was picking up the pieces for him. “Don’t act naïve, Roman! However, you’ve always been good at doing that!”
“Silly boy, you know my feelings for you both publicly and certainly privately. Last night should have been proof of that,” he said as his hand wiped a tear present on Kyle’s cheek, and he tried to stay calm in spite of what he had said about Lisa.
“I’m not your silly boy! I am a man deeply in love! Did you know I’ve loved you from the moment I sat down in your office for that interview at Ripped? I waited three years for you to decide that you felt some sort of an attraction to me! Then, I think I spent another six months watching as you tried to pretend that our kiss in the locker room never happened! I remember you turning off the video tapes for our after-hours therapy sessions, saying something about insurance liabilities! I offered you my physical therapy services out of love, and have continued them even when the doctors have no explanation for the pain in your legs!”
By now Kyle’s shouting had more than infuriated Roman. “Well, I seem to be the one with the bottle of Demerol!”
“Thanks to me! Remember your pain management doctor? Edward? He’s providing you with those prescriptions as a personal favor to me. Yeah, that’s right! Edward and I were involved for almost a year during college. Why do you think I recommended him to you when you were unable to get pain meds anywhere else? I never felt for Edward what I am feeling for you right now. We were physical…very physical upon my recollection, but it was just that. I know we both cared for each other. I had never been with anyone else, but he had. You’re a smart man, Roman, so I know you had ideas about what would take place between us last night. Bet you didn’t know I felt your hands shaking as you undressed me. I was even happy to pet like teenagers for a few hours, but I couldn’t forget you telling me of your willingness to try whatever I wanted before I even laid a hand on you. Maybe I should lay another hand on you, a rougher one! You seemed to enjoy the products I bought and my tenderness a bit too much!”
“Can I please say something?” Roman cut in.
“Yeah, I’m finished!” Kyle said as he started to retrieve his discarded clothing from the floor.
“You’re right. This lifestyle is new for me, but you’re not going anywhere until you tell me what is really going on.”
“Lifestyle? It not about a lifestyle! It’s about love, our love! Well, at least what I thought was mutual love! Besides, I thought you knew what was going on!” Kyle said as he flung the white linen pants and shirt in Roman’s face.
“Okay. We got married last night…”
Kyle interrupted again. “If you call it that! Arkansas refuses to accept our marriage. I wanted to travel to a state that did, but you said that a piece of paper didn’t matter, so I had to be satisfied with just a commitment ceremony! I wanted more, much more! It’s always about you, your feelings, your health, and the rotting corpse that you still hang on to!”
“Go screw yourself! I wasn’t aware that tops behaved like jealous schoolgirls! The campy act doesn’t suit you,” Roman said, regretting the words as soon as he spoke them.
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“This is me, Roman! Maybe I don’t let it rage so much at the gym or in public, but I am sure you will come to find the south is not the most loving place for the homosexual male. This is who I am with the man I love! Regardless of my athletic body, I’ve always had what I like to refer to as the phenomenal gay vibe. Sorry, Roman, that you look so straight! I think I know the truth, though. Roman enjoys being my versatile gay baby!”
“I noticed your gay vibe.”
“Is that all you have to say?” Kyle countered.
“I don’t know what to say, because you still haven’t really told me why you are acting this way! Well, except you think I don’t express my feelings for you. I love you! There, are you happy?” he asked, trying to hide the hurt that Kyle’s words were inflicting.
“Not if I have to ask, and not when I found your appointment book today filled with scheduled visits to the cemetery next to the area blocked out for us! We agreed that the next two weeks would be ours. No work, no therapy, and no cemetery. Just us alone. I’ve craved that for a very long time. I even respected your wishes a year ago when I wanted us to move in together, and you wanted to wait. I considered it a mutual agreement when you preferred to wait until we were committed to make love when I asked you to marry me six months ago.”
Roman approached Kyle so close that his face was a breath away, resisting an urge to slap him.
“She was my wife for ten years! For the last seven months of her life, she carried my child, who, by the way, is buried with her! I never told you that, did I! Or told you how I was pinned, unable to move between the steering wheel and the door. How we were trapped for an hour before a passing car saw our lights in a ditch. I can still hear her screams every night, as she gave birth to our son, while she slowly died. Adam never cried. I walked away with a few scratches and bruises. So if you ever call my wife a rotting corpse again, our relationship is finished!”
“I’m sorry,” Kyle murmured as his face softened, “I didn’t know. However, this is our marriage now. I don’t want to compete with a memory for your heart!”
“On second thought, perhaps I will take some more medication tonight,” Roman replied, surprised at the icy tone in his voice, “and you will probably need these in the other bedroom!” he finished, tossing some pillows at Kyle.
“Roman, I know the memories of that night haunt you, but there’s something else. My name is Kyle! I remember when we were joined together, trying to strengthen our bond, Lisa’s name escaped your lips!”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize…”
“No you never do, and I’m afraid that you cannot see the love that is right here before you! Roman, you know I’m sorry about that night and what happened. If I could bring her and Adam back to you, I would, even if that meant we would never be together. That’s the level of my love for you.”
“What makes you think I would turn my back on you?” Roman said quietly, realizing that everything his husband had said was right. Still, he refused to believe it and couldn’t believe it.
“I need some time,” Kyle said, continuing to gather his clothes. “I’ll sleep in the spare bedroom tonight and have my things out in the morning. I didn’t say you had to stop loving her, or that we couldn’t visit their grave together. Just not so often. I want it to be my body and heart that you crave, not whispering her name. It’s unhealthy for you and probably half of the problem with your legs.”
Probably nothing Roman could say in his defense would make a difference, not even telling Kyle how he felt last night while lying in his arms, or that he wanted the same intimate relationship with him.
“I’d rather you stay here. Sleep in the other bedroom if you need to, until we can work this out.”
“No, you said that our relationship was finished. I was angry.”
“You still are, Roman! Until you get rid of the anger and guilt over losing them, I’m scared that we won’t be able to move forward.”
The pained expression in Kyle’s eyes let Roman know that he was serious. In an unexpected gesture, Kyle crossed the room, gently pushing Roman against the wall. Cupping his face with his hands, Roman felt him kissing him in the same insistent manner he had that night a year-and-a-half ago in the locker room at Ripped.
“My heart has been married to you, gay baby, since our first kiss,” Kyle whispered, retrieving the pillows from the floor and leaving Roman in his bedroom alone.
Chapter Three
After a restless night alone, Roman finally crawled out of bed at seven the next morning. Kyle was already awake, as Roman sat at the bar watching him blend a protein shake.
“I’m sorry,” Roman said simply, trying to breaking the tension. “I’ve always liked your hair down, damp like it is now. It reminds me of the locker room, our first kiss.” He spoke softly as he tried to put his arms around Kyle’s waist.
Retrieving a ponytail holder from the counter, Kyle quickly caught up his shoulder-length hair.
“How’s that? Now you won’t have to deal with any emotions from your new lifestyle!”
“Can we please not do this again!” Roman replied.
“I didn’t. You did. I showered and am on my way to Ripped. I thought I would put myself back on the schedule.”
“And I took you off of the schedule!” Roman yelled, hurling a cup of coffee into a nearby cabinet.
“Maybe I should find a new boss, then,” Kyle said, crossing his arms over a white spandex shirt that Roman thought revealed too much of his body beneath, desiring Kyle’s washboard abs just for himself.
“It’s that same smart mouth that wouldn’t let me speak last night! We are the same height and nearly the same body structure, so don’t forget that I let you take control last night! Also, you never explained why you were looking at my personal calendar anyway?”
“Angry because he got caught! After we got out of tub and you were in bed, I was putting away your medication in the drawer, and it fell on the floor. The marker fell out, and I put it back to this week, our time. So now if you are finished, I am late for work!”
“I think you might want to sit down and listen to what I have to say, since you are no longer employed there in the manner in which you think you are.”
“I prefer to stand.”
Pulling some papers out of his briefcase on the bar, Roman handed the documents to Kyle.
“All they need is your signature, then of course, telling my…sorry, our, employees at Ripped. I want you to have dual ownership with me, and, of course, your salary would match mine. There’s also something else, since you are so convinced that you thought of all the products.”
Roman also handed Kyle a black jewelry box.
“I ordered us a set of rings. I didn’t want us to exchange them together at the beach because they represent a very private and outward symbol of my feelings for you. I had planned to slip it on your finger if we had made love last night.”
“Feelings for me. Okay…” Kyle repeated his words, throwing the papers at Roman’s feet.
“This changes nothing and means nothing! I want your heart, not a gym, and not a piece of metal!”
“Read the inscription.”
“Why?”
“Just read it.”
Roman watched Kyle toss the box on the floor near the papers.
“’Always and forever’ is what yours reads. I left mine open, in case you wanted to inscribe something in your own words.”
“Always and forever…a nice touch, Roman.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“How about you are not going to try and talk me into visiting the cemetery during the next two weeks. Maybe we can just visit once a month for a while, then every few months. That would be a start. I thought we could go to counseling together. Maybe you could keep just a few photos of your life with her up, and add photos of us…and maybe you could make love to me without one hand in her grave. All are good places to start.”
“Don’t ask me to do that.”
; “Then when, Roman? I seem to remember that you agreed to the two weeks. I want us to be a family and raise children. I want us to explore more than adoption, perhaps finding a surrogate. When I made love to you, it wasn’t something that I took lightly.”
“No, you agreed. I never answered. Don’t you think I want those things, too?”
“I’m not sure anymore what you want! I’m still waiting for you to tell me that you love me!”
“I’ve expressed my feelings to you many times. You’re being unreasonable!”
“I’m being unreasonable? I don’t think wanting my husband to tell me he is in love with me is unreasonable! I don’t need to hear you say again how good I make you feel, or that I’m your sweet boy! I want you to quit looking away from me, like you are now, when our conversations turn sexual! You’re gay! You’ve had sex with a man! You’re someone’s gay baby now! You are acting the same way that you did after I kissed you in the locker room! A homosexual relationship is no different than a straight one. And yes, before you remind me again, I know you still find women attractive. That’s only obvious since I bet most of the time you were making love to me you were spending in fantasyland with her!
“That’s not true.”
“What? That you don’t find women attractive? Or by some remote chance you were making love to me. I thought you would tell me that you loved me in return when I was under you.”
Roman still wasn’t making eye contact, feeling his cheeks flame hot.
“I made love to you, Kyle,” Roman replied, hearing the words and wondering if they were really true.
“That’s debatable! Look, I can handle you being bisexual. I just can’t handle you acting like a schoolboy when it comes to our marriage.”
“I am not acting like a schoolboy! As I recall, I also returned the favor to you,” Roman responded, feeling his anger flare.
“It surprised the hell out of me, considering the fact that I had to initiate everything until that point! Two hours of petting was nice, but I needed more to show you the level of my commitment. I wanted my dick in you as soon as I put you in bed, but considering your lack of experience, I waited until I felt you opening up to me, just not telling me you loved me.”