by Anita Kinley
“I know how to make love.”
“Do you now! Because, Roman, you made love to a man! I think you need to practice saying it, too. Also, let’s call the products by their names. Condoms and KY! Let me guess. When I asked if you had any or if I needed to buy some, I am assuming that you and Lisa were too shy to use any?”
“I already explained to you that we didn’t use those things. We always wanted children and never had any problems with chemistry.”
“So, she was always ready and waiting for her wildly sexual husband? Wonder what she would have thought about you on top of me?”
“Do you always have to be so crude?”
“Yes, when my husband is acting naïve about our sex life!”
In an attempt to change the subject, Roman asked, “So you and Edward didn’t…”
“We did. I’ve had a few other relationships, but I’ve never had the level of trust and intimacy that I feel with you, at least thought I felt.”
“I know you may not believe me, but I felt it, too. The thought of your body submitting to me only makes me want you more.”
“Then why can’t you tell me you love me?” Kyle said, grabbing his keys and slamming the door behind him.
Later that afternoon, Roman retrieved the fresh calla lilies from his car, walking the short distance to Lisa’s grave. They had been her favorite flowers. The first time they made love, he trailed a lily over her body as his lips followed.
It was exactly one hundred steps from the gravel cemetery path to her angel marker. Even after five years, he could still feel her presence all around him. She had been his angel, calling her the endearment often. Her clothing, perfume, and every reminder of their life together was still frozen in the condo they had purchased. Roman smiled, also remembering the savings account that he left untouched. It contained almost enough money for a down payment on their first home.
In the early months after her death, he fought an overwhelming urge to dig up her casket. He had even bought a shovel, wanting to see her face one last time. During that first year, the grief had been more than he could bear.
As he bent on one knee to replace the wilted flowers with the fresh, he felt hot tears sting his eyes. The only other time he had cried in five years was the night after her funeral. Alone in the dark, he had curled her pillow against him, still fresh with her sweet scent. Grief had consumed him. He didn’t know which was worse, the grief, or the guilt for taking a shortcut that night. If he had listened to her, maybe they would still be a family. In the last five years, he had buried the hurt, hidden with her memories in his heart.
“I’ve made a complete mess of everything, angel,” he whispered, “your death and now hurting Kyle. Everything he said over the last couple of days has been true. I’ve known it now for almost two years, even before he told me, but I can’t let you go. I am so ashamed to admit that loving him has lessened the pain of losing you. Kyle and I married a few days ago. He thought my hands were trembling because I was nervous about making love to a man, partly true, but they were trembling more because I felt like I was betraying you. That’s why I have brought him here with me and wanted you to meet him. I’ve never felt like I had to explain why I chose him. I enjoyed him touching me, holding me. I miss the affection with you, baby. I haven’t told him I love him, at least not in the way I should have. I always return to your face. Touching him feels like the most natural thing in the world, but opening my heart to him feels like a betrayal of what we shared. He’s hurting, and I could see it in his eyes. So now there’s someone else hurting because of me. I wasn’t looking for a relationship with anyone, and then he walked into my life. He says that he’s loved me from the moment we met. Baby, I felt a connection to him, too. Spent three years denying it, until he finally kissed me. Kyle’s thinks that I am having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I am gay, or those were his exact words. He’s right. It is a new experience for me. However, this isn’t about whether or not I am gay or straight. This is about feeling whole again. I know how to make love, and I certainly wasn’t shy in our marriage. Six months ago, I wanted to ask him to marry me, but he beat me to it. He revealed how deeply in love he was with me after one of our therapy sessions at the gym, telling me he wanted forever. All I could do was nod. He’s been there for me so many times in the last five years, and I couldn’t look into his eyes and tell him the love was mutual. I still can’t. He told me numerous times while I made love to him, and I saw the need in his eyes to hear me say it. Mom finally accepts him, but not Dad. He’s been cruel. We haven’t spoken in a year, not since I introduced Kyle to them. He didn’t even come downstairs. I tried to explain, but…it’s not important now. What is important is Kyle thinks we shouldn’t visit as much, and that we should take down some of your photos. I know if I don’t resolve this I will end up losing him. I want you both.”
The tears that had collected in his eyes slowly spilled out on his cheeks, as he was oblivious to the figure approaching him.
“Roman?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he whispered, responding automatically to a voice so familiar that he half expected to see Lisa’s face when he turned around.
Everything about the woman standing in front of him tore at the deep, hidden places in his heart. Obviously she hadn’t heard his whisper, as he dried a few stray tears from his face in embarrassment.
“It’s been a long time. I haven’t been back since the funeral.”
Lisa’s twin, Catherine, was standing before him. Her fiery-red hair and emerald eyes made him recall memories that he quickly suppressed. Perhaps he had stared too long without responding. The ivory skin was almost a perfect match, except for a scattering of freckles across her cheeks.
“I wanted to call you…should have. I shouldn’t have left things like I did,” Roman said, continuing to stare into her eyes, remembering the bed they had shared too many years ago. He stifled a strong desire to revisit her warm lips. The feel of the ring on his left hand reminded him of his commitment to Kyle.
“I stayed away because of you,” she said quietly, hugging her arms around her body.
Wearing a pair of tan slacks and white blouse, her classic style was almost identical to Lisa’s.
“Mama said you were involved with someone…said that you were…” He watched her eyes drifting to a horizon behind his shoulders. “She said you were a homosexual now.”
“His name is Kyle. We were married a few days ago.”
“Then it is true.” He watched her glance over her shoulder at the young child playing with a truck in the grass.
“Is he yours?” Roman asked.
“Yours and mine,” she said. “He’s four years old. His name is Andrew.”
Roman looked past Catherine to watch the small boy pushing the truck through the weeds.
“He looks like you, Roman.”
“Does Mark know?”
“If he suspected, he never asked. He died last year in a boating accident.”
Images of making love to Catherine filled Roman’s mind. Her body had been so similar to her sisters, even her scent. But Catherine was more aggressive, more willing to indulge his grieving heart.
Two days after the funeral she had stopped by the condo, saying she wanted to bring some flowers from the funeral before she returned to New York. Even now, it was still a blur how they ended up in bed together. He had made love to her as if Lisa was in his arms, and Catherine had allowed it.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?”
“I didn’t tell you because you had made love to the memory of my sister that afternoon and not me. Mark was an alcoholic and abusive. Even though my sister and I had a close relationship, I was jealous of her relationship with you. I didn’t come to the condo with the intention of seducing you. I hope you know that.”
“I know. It was a difficult time for both of us,” he said, trying to think of something, anything, to break the uncomfortable tension between them.
“I sti
ll can’t forget being in your arms. Mostly I remember the tenderness. Lisa never discussed that part of your relationship with me, so I never realized just how lucky she was. I came back hoping that we could be together, but I see I am too late now!” she said, turning toward her car.
Roman reached out and grabbed her arm, turning her just enough to see fresh tears in her eyes.
“I would like to meet my son,” he said quietly, “and then I’d like you to have dinner with Kyle and myself tonight at the condo. I can’t let you leave like this.”
Roman realized that the back of his hand had been caressing her cheek.
Chapter Four
Catherine had introduced him to Andrew as Uncle Roman, reminding the child of stories that she had told him about his Aunt Lisa. It was not what Roman had hoped for, but perhaps it was the best thing to do for now until he could figure out the situation himself.
Kyle was more than likely still at the gym. Glancing at his watch, it said four o’clock as he pulled his car out of the cemetery. With a dinner invitation at seven, he had a great deal of explaining to Kyle. First of all, he was sure Kyle didn’t know that Lisa had a sister. Secondly, he anticipated the reaction that he would take when he found out that Catherine was a twin.
While driving, he tried to keep his mind focused on the little boy, who was a perfect combination of what he imagined Adam would have looked like at that age. The child had a right to know who his real father was, even under the circumstances. Trying to convince himself that was the only reason was even more difficult. Roman felt himself being enticed into a gray area where Kyle existed, as well as a perceived second chance at the family that had been cruelly taken away.
Roman found Kyle in the free-weight room, bench pressing. With the evening crowd, the possibility of them having a conversation alone would be difficult. Roman had considered calling him on his cell, but he was afraid Kyle wouldn’t pick up. Not only did his husband have a smart mouth, he also had a temper.
“I need to speak with you in my office alone,” Roman said, standing over Kyle.
“I’ve said everything, Mr. Boss Man!” Kyle smarted off, garnering a few head turns.
Crouching on the floor next to Kyle, Roman whispered quietly, “Either you come into the office without making a further scene, or I will remove you from my gym and off of my payroll!”
Kyle sat up, returning the barbell to the bench with a loud crash.
Once both men were inside the office, Roman closed all the blinds.
“Hiding our marriage, too, huh?” Kyle quickly muttered. “Don’t want anyone to know that Roman enjoyed fucking a man? I think he enjoyed it more than he wants to admit! Didn’t he?”
“Okay, that’s it!” Roman replied. “For once you are going to sit down, shut up, and listen to what I have to say!”
“Or what? What is the big boss man going to do?”
Having reached his breaking point with Kyle, Roman grabbed his husband by the top of his shirt and slung him down in a nearby chair.
Kyle sat motionless with his arms crossed over his chest, refusing to meet Roman’s eyes.
“Kyle, I’m sorry, but…”
“Yeah you are!”
“As I was trying to say, I can’t even talk to you without being interrupted! How can we work through this if we can’t even be civil to one another?”
Kyle continued to stare at a distant point on the wall.
“I want you to listen to me without say anything. Can you do that for once? Also, I seem to remember that you were there two weeks ago when I told my employees about our relationship. I risked my entire source of income for us. I was lucky only two walked out, but it wouldn’t have mattered if they all had.”
Kyle remained quiet.
“I know this will anger you, but I made a trip to the cemetery this afternoon. While I was there I ran into Lisa’s sister, Catherine. I didn’t mention anything about her family because I never thought that it was relevant to our relationship.”
“So what does this have to do with us, besides the fact that you visited the cemetery during our time?”
Roman crossed his legs while leaning against his desk, bracing himself for Kyle’s recourse.
“She has a son.”
“And?” Kyle responded, finally making eye contact.
“He’s my son. Andrew just turned four a few months ago.”
“So let me get this straight. A dead wife and child, a quick roll in the sack with her sister, and you made us wait until we were married! I seem to recall that you would barely let me be affectionate with you at all, well apart from the kiss in the locker room, until we were alone after our marriage!”
“I’m sorry. There are just some things that I hold sacred. Guess I am still a little bit old-fashioned.”
“I’d say that you didn’t hold everything sacred!”
“I expected your response, and you want me to say I love you?” Roman asked, feeling his own temper. “The first year, I was on autopilot. She stopped by the condo a few days after the funeral to bring some of the flowers that had been left at the gravesite before she left for New York. I remember ending up in bed with her, and the guilt I felt after she left.”
Unexpectedly, Kyle’s mood softened as he walked to the door. “I’m not losing you, Roman. I won’t lose you. She’s not Lisa and never will be. Is this about the fact that I’m HIV-positive? It’s not something I am proud of. I was honest with you about my preferences and that fact three years ago when I suspected that the attraction between us was mutual. I wasn’t promiscuous…I have only had a few partners. I’ve already told you about the abusive relationship that I left a few years before we met. I half expected you to push me away when I first kissed you, and never expected to be able to have a normal relationship with anyone, at least not sexually. When you allowed me into your life, in spite of the AIDS, and touched me like a human being, my heart entwined so tightly with yours that your inability to share your feelings with me is very painful.”
Remembering Kyle’s vulnerability from a few nights ago, Roman put his hand over Kyle’s, preventing him from turning the doorknob. “I know you are hurting, and I’m sorry. My inability to verbally express my love is unfair to you. No, sweet boy. It’s never been about the HIV.”
“I meant what I said, Roman. I am not staying with you at the condo until you resolve this. It’s too painful.”
“What if I said I won’t let you go,” Roman replied, brushing a strand of damp hair from Kyle’s cheek.
“Please don’t touch me. I don’t want to make this any harder than what it is.”
“I invited her and Andrew to dinner tonight at seven. I’d like you to be there. She knows about us, our marriage. Spend the night. We need to talk. I miss you,” Roman whispered, placing his lips on Kyle’s forehead, pulling him closer.
For a brief moment they shared a sensual kiss as Roman found his hands tangling in Kyle’s hair. When he slipped his hands under Kyle’s shirt to caress his back, Kyle pulled away.
“Quit trying to avoid the issues, Roman! Sex isn’t going to solve this! I miss you, too, but I don’t miss being in your arms wondering if we share the same level of commitment. I thought by getting married, bonding with one another, that those things would push our relationship to the next level and help you put the past behind you. I see that it hasn’t. If anything, it has given you a false sense of complacency. I see in your eyes and feel in your touch what I think is love, but I need to hear it, as well.”
“Can’t you be satisfied with what I am able to give for now? I told you, always and forever!”
“I’ve had to be satisfied for the past year and a half! I’m finished discussing this! We are just going in circles! I’m deeply in love with you, and that is never going to change, but you have to help yourself. I see that you only have one option in this, and that is repairing us. When you repeated those vows on the beach, you committed yourself to me and this marriage. Catherine doesn’t fit into that equation. I do
n’t share, and I don’t play open marriage games. Andrew is a different situation. If he is indeed your son, I understand wanting to be a part of his life, and would hope you would do so.”
“Will you be there tonight?” Roman asked.
“Against my better judgment. Someone has to make sure that my gay baby doesn’t end up in bed with her. She also needs to see that you are not available.”
Chapter Five
While Kyle showered, Roman put the steaks on the grill. The salad was chilling in the refrigerator as he uncorked a bottle of wine, putting it on ice. He lied to himself, trying to admit that the only excitement he was feeling was because of Andrew. It was hard to see Catherine and not revisit his marriage with Lisa. She had probably saved his life that afternoon, as he remembered putting away his gun in the nightstand to answer the door.
Feeling two arms around his waist, he turned, hoping to find Kyle in a better mood. Instead, he gazed in shock at his partner.
“You don’t like it?” Kyle said, towel-drying his boyishly short hair.
“I liked it long. Will take some getting used to,” Roman replied cautiously, not wanting Kyle’s mood to change.
“I had it done after I left the gym, and you were busy on the patio when I got home. It’s more appropriate, since I am a married man now.”
“I need to check the steaks.”
“They can wait a minute. I got a call from our photographer that our photos could be picked up, the images from the beach. They are really good, especially one. Now go check the steaks while I get it.”
Roman returned to a framed image on the bar. The photographer had captured him caressing Kyle’s cheek, their eyes focused on each other.
“No one has ever looked at me like that,” Kyle said quickly, closing the distance between them. “The young woman at the frame shop agreed to do this one on short notice this afternoon only because she said that it touched her heart. It touched mine, too. If your eyes and your body can tell me, why can’t I hear your voice?” he said, caressing the back of Roman’s neck. “You were right. We do need to talk tonight after Catherine leaves.”