Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (Nashville Nights #2-3)

by Stacey Mosteller

  Tyler laughs mirthlessly. "You don't honestly think that telling him tomorrow would have yielded a different result do you? Fuck mate, if you want the truth, and I'm going to give it to you whether you want it or not, it's pretty bloody likely that even if you told him before it started, this would have ended the same way. SarahBeth's a fucking baby, and she's his little sister. You've not been a saint these past few years." He's quiet for a minute, letting what he said sink in before continuing, "We all knew you had a thing for her though. David too. He just didn't think you'd ever act on it."

  I turn to face him as my mouth drops open. "What do you mean you all knew? David's known this entire time how I feel about her and didn't say anything?"

  "You weren't exactly subtle, mate." Tyler shakes his head. "You've been giving that girl besotted puppy dog looks since she was barely legal. David was fucking relieved when you started dating that one girl, the one you were with for awhile, because he thought you were getting over her."

  I don't respond, because the way things ended with Melanie is something else I'll always regret. I really did care about her, just not the way I've always cared for SarahBeth. She's always been the one I wanted; everyone else was just killing time. We don't talk anymore during the ride to Tyler's apartment. When we walk inside, he grabs a blanket and a pillow, shoving them into my arms with an apologetic look.

  "Sorry mate, my couch fucking sucks. But, it's better than trying to find a hotel at this time of night." He slaps me on the shoulder. "Hopefully this will all blow over soon." He doesn't sound like he believes it, but I let it go, nodding at him before he heads to his room. He stops at the threshold before turning to look at me once more. "For what it's worth? I know what it's like to want someone you can't have. It bloody well sucks, and I wouldn't wish the feeling on anyone." Then, he walks into the bedroom and shuts the door behind him, leaving me alone with my thoughts and my many regrets.

  SarahBeth

  "Sarah Elizabeth Pearson!" I hear David yell as he slams the front door. I freeze at the top of the stairs. Shit! He sounds more pissed than I've ever heard him. Although, I will admit he's got plenty of reasons to be pissed at me. I start to back up because I'm not really sure I want to fight with him today. And if he's found out about the things I've done, I know I don't want to fight with him.

  Unfortunately for me, while I've been debating what to do, my older brother has made it to the top of the stairs. The look he's giving me is terrifying. I've never seen him look this way. The only words I can think of to describe the amount of pain and anger in his eyes is distraught or haunted. I've been so focused on how I feel for the past four days that I haven't stopped to think about the other people my decisions affected. Obviously, I've thought about Jeremy, but David and what he and his now ex-girlfriend Lyric are going through hasn't registered at all. As if I didn't feel shitty enough.

  "What the fuck did you do SarahBeth?" David can barely control the fury in his voice. His hands are balled into fists, and I can see them shaking. Up until this moment, I've never really been scared of my brother. But, then again, I've never had a reason to be.

  Backing up further, so that I'm closer to my room, my voice is very small when I say, "That depends." Realistically I know that those words aren't going to make any of this better, but I'd really rather not own up to something that he knows nothing about and just make it worse.

  "That depends? It fucking depends? Goddammit SarahBeth, I swear to God I don't know who the fuck you are anymore." His words rip me to shreds and tears fill my eyes, spilling down my cheeks, as I stand in the hallway, unable to get away from him. "Don't cry now. Do you know what the fuck you've done? The damage you and Jeremy have caused?"

  I shake my head, denying all knowledge. Of course I know we've hurt everyone, hell we've hurt our selves. What does he want me to say? He steps closer to me, the hurt and anger so raw and evident on his face it is destroying me. "Lyric's gone." My eyes widen, and my knees go weak. What? What does that mean? Seeing my expression, he shakes his head, his shoulders slumping slightly. "She left. Lyric went back to Manhattan because of the things I said to her. She left because she thinks I hate her for keeping your secret. I was so fucking pissed at her SarahBeth, I said things I can never take back but you know what I found out today?" He looks me dead in the face.

  Oh shit. He knows. I feel all the blood drain from my face. "Looks like you know exactly what I found out. What the fuck where you thinking, SarahBeth? You told her you'd convince me to break up with her if she told me what was going on? When did you become such a spoiled, manipulative little brat?" Every word he says just tears me apart more. The look on his face causes me physical pain, pain I know I deserve. I've made such a mess of everything. If I could go back, I'd do what Jeremy wanted, I'd tell David about our relationship as soon as we decided we were going to have one. He tried to warn me, but I was convinced I knew David best. I was absolutely certain that I knew what to do, that I was making the best choice. Thinking of how badly I have messed everything up, and why, makes me feel even more like a child trying to navigate in an adult world.

  I open my mouth, trying to find something to say, but David holds up a hand, looking away from me. "Save it little sister. Right now, I don't want to hear anything you have to say. I don't want to look at you, I don't want to talk to you, I don't even want to be in the same house as you. I look at you, and I wonder what the fuck I did wrong. Mom would be so disappointed in you right now. I'm glad she's not here to see this. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go to fucking New York and apologize to Lyric for what you did, and what I did because of you." He leaves me standing in the hallway, barely holding myself together.

  My brother hates me. I can't stand it. I can't take losing him too. I start to go after him, but knowing that he doesn't even want to look at me stops me in my tracks. Turning towards my room, I hurry inside, shutting the door and barely make it to my bed before my legs give out and the sobs start in earnest. I've destroyed everyone around me. I deserve to be this miserable, but it doesn't make any of it better. I wish Jeremy were here to hold me.

  Olivia sits beside me a week later, stroking my hair while I cry. "Shh," she croons, "SarahBeth, you've got to get out of this bed. You haven't left your room in almost a week, and even as pissed as David is, he's worried about you."

  "He cares so much he came in to check on me himself." I know I sound bitter, but what the hell? My brother's worried about me, the brother who told me in no uncertain terms that while I may be his sister, he doesn't want to look at or see me. It's been a week, and I haven't seen my brother since the day he told me that. I've called Jeremy repeatedly but have gotten no answer, and even though she's here, I know Livvie's pissed that I didn't tell her what was going on.

  She sighs, "SarahBeth, you had to know something like this was coming. You were messing around with your brother's best behind his back and everyone else's. You intimidated his girlfriend into lying for you, and then you acted like an idiot on your birthday and got caught. You kind of deserve everything you're going through now."

  I sit up to glare at her. "Jeez Liv, I know I fucked up, but do you have to keep telling me how I did it? I know exactly what went on, more than you guys know. I relive it every time I shut my eyes. How do I make it better? I don't know how I can get David to forgive me, and Jeremy's not talking to me now either."

  "I can't believe that you were having sex with him for weeks and didn't tell me!" Her tone is petulant, and I shake my head in disbelief that after everything I just said, she's focusing on that.

  "Thanks Liv. Really, that's so helpful."

  She at least looks embarrassed. "Sorry. I don't know what to tell you though. David has every right to be mad at you, so does Lyric. Hell, so do I for that matter. I understand why you did what you did, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I love you though, so I'll get over it, and so will your brother. I can't really help with Jeremy though. I do know he's okay according to Tyler. They've been spending a
lot of time together and Jeremy's staying close to Broadway in some extended stay type hotel." She looks at me, her eyes full of apologies, "I don't know which one though because Jeremy told Tyler he didn't want you to know where he is. I'm sorry."

  I lay my head back down on my pillow, exhausted by the entire situation. How am I supposed to fix anything if no one will talk to me?

  Jeremy

  After spending two nights on Tyler's couch, I moved into an extended stay hotel run by Hilton near downtown, that was close to work. I hate it. I hate coming here after work, I hate being alone with my thoughts all night, and most of all I hate the fact that SarahBeth isn't with me. She's called me every day, multiple times a day, and each time I've ignored her call. It's not because I don't want to talk to her, I want that more than I want my next breath. She needs to move on, a clean break, so she can get her relationship with her brother back.

  It's been a week now since everything happened, and even though David told me in no uncertain terms to stay away from the bar, I'm going over there today to try and talk to him. I have to at least try to explain what happened and why I don't know if it will do any good, I don't even know if he'll talk to me, but I have to try. I miss him, I miss her, I miss home.

  Walking into Drench, I don't see David anywhere, but a quick talk with one of the guys who's restocking liquor bottles tells me he's in his office. The door's shut, but I don't bother to knock, I just walk in to find David sitting behind his desk, concentrating hard on something lying in front of him.

  He looks up when I shut the door, his eyes widening in surprise before they narrow in anger. Sitting back in the chair, he stares at me, unmoving, hell, unblinking before finally he says, "I'm pretty sure I remember telling you to stay the fuck away from me and my bar. I shouldn't be surprised though, you seem to have a knack for being places you don't belong."

  "Nice D, real nice. Did you practice that one?" Okay, I'm taunting him when I probably shouldn't, but seriously? That's what he's going to go with? He doesn't respond, continuing to glare at me and waiting for me to say whatever it is I came to say. I take a deep breath, "Look, I know you're pissed off, and you have every right to be. But, you also need to understand that SarahBeth is not a quick fuck to me. I'm in love with her..."

  David cuts me off mid sentence, standing up so fast that he almost knocks his chair over. "Bullshit. You don't love my sister, I'm not sure you even know what love is. If you loved her, you would have come to me and said something. You would have told me that you wanted to be with her. I wouldn't have been blindsided if you really gave a shit about her." I start to speak, but he shakes his head. "No, you can fucking listen to me right now. I knew something was going on. The two of you weren't as sneaky as you thought. I just hoped it hadn't gone that far, that you would have talked to me before you took it to that particular level. I kept waiting for you to come to me, to say something, to tell me you wanted to be with her, but you never said a word. You both went behind my back, and I don't know that I can ever forgive you for that."

  "David, I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you back before anything happened, back when we first decided we were going to try. Sarah was scared, scared you wouldn't like it, that you'd be upset. Neither of us meant to hurt you, we just wanted to be together. We were planning to tell you after her birthday because she wanted her twenty first to be special and she was afraid telling you would ruin it." It sounds like a cop out, even to my own ears, but it's the absolute truth. I never wanted it to be a secret. "Man, you know me. You're my closest fucking friend, the closest thing to family I have. Can't you see that I didn't want to risk that? Hell, not just for me. You're the only thing she has left. There's no way I can compete with that, and I wouldn't try. That's why I haven't gone after her this week. I won't force her to choose between us."

  I can see his resolve falter, but he quickly recovers, glaring at me once more. "See, that's how I know you don't really love her." What the fuck? I just told him that I stayed away from her so that she wouldn't have to choose. How is that not love? "If you really loved my sister, you wouldn't let me keep you apart. You would have been at my house the next fucking morning, demanding to see her, demanding she leave with you."

  "Are you fucking listening to yourself? So, according to you, love means forcing her to choose between her goddamn brother and the man she loves. It means disregarding the fact that you are the only family she has left, and the brother she absolutely adores? Fuck that. I love her enough to stay the fuck away from her while the two of you work this shit out. I know we've made mistakes, but there is no one on this earth who will love your sister as much as I do. I would do anything for her, including hurting myself by staying away from her."

  David just shakes his head, not listening to anything I'm saying, so sure he knows better than I do. "I'm sorry Jeremy, really, I am. But, I just don't think you're good for her. Being with you turned her into a manipulative little liar and made her hurt everyone around her to keep her relationship with you a secret. There's no way in hell I'm letting you get near her again."

  "Jesus Christ you're a stubborn fucking asshole. Do you even hear yourself right now? She didn't lie to everyone for me. She lied because she was scared of how you would react. Think about it David. I didn't want to keep any of this a secret. If I'd had my way, you would have been told before we did anything other than talk. Your sister was the one who didn't want you to know. She said she didn't want to be responsible for the demise of our friendship, even though I told her time and time again that you would never react the way you are right now. I guess she proved who knows you best though, because she damn sure called this one. Get off your fucking high horse and talk to your sister. Let her tell you how terrified she was of you."

  I walk over to the door, opening it but not walking outside right away. I turn back to the man who used to be closer to me than a brother, but who obviously doesn't know me at all, telling him, "I'm not giving up. I'll tell you that right now. I have some shit I need to take care of, but when I'm done, I'm coming after SarahBeth. You say that if I loved her I'd take her without regard to your relationship with her? Game on, then. Sort your shit out D." He stares at me in shock as I finally leave the room, slamming the door behind me.

  SarahBeth

  This is the third day this week I've missed class. At first, I thought it was a stomach bug, but it's not the normal kind. I'm sick when I first wake up, but once I actually throw up I'm usually fine. Well, I'm fine until I smell certain things. I've been avoiding Livvie, and not just because I don't want her to figure out what's going on. My bestie lives on Reese's cups, and just the smell of them makes me want to barf.

  By the time I'm finished, I want nothing more than to lay my head down on the cool tile floor in the downstairs bathroom and sleep for days. I can't do that though, because it would take about half a second for someone to sound the alarm and not much longer than that for my brother to drag me to the closest doctor to find out what's wrong with me. Dragging myself up with a hand on the counter, I take a long look at my reflection in the mirror. I'm barely twenty-one, and instead of looking vibrant, cool and sophisticated, I look pale, washed out, and like I've aged about ten years. My pink highlights aren't even cool anymore. Now, they only emphasize the paleness of my face. Let me tell you, pink streaks and a green complexion - not the best look fashion wise.

  If I'm honest with myself, I know exactly what's wrong with me. Thank God David isn't home this morning or I'd have so many questions to answer. Luckily, he's been spending most nights over at Lyric's. While I'm lonelier now that David's avoiding me and Jeremy's gone, I'm thankful neither is here to see me like this.

  When I open the bathroom door, I stumble back in shock because I'm not alone. Lyric's standing in the hallway, her back against the wall, her arms crossed over her chest. I haven't seen or talked to her since the night of my birthday, and I can't help but wonder if she's come to beat the crap out of me now. I definitely deserve it.

  "H
ow long have you been sick, and does your brother know?" Lyric's words are clipped, her tone ice cold.

  My back immediately goes up, and I retort, "A few days and no, he doesn't know. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't care even if he did know." I feel like a world-class bitch, but lately, my emotions are all over the damn place. I'm happy one minute, crying the next, and then pissed off at the entire universe. It's like I'm turning bipolar. Case in point, as soon as I finish talking, I burst into tears. And not just regular, sliding gently down my cheeks tears, nope...these are all out freaking sobs. Cry your heart out, everybody hates me, my life is ruined freaking sobs.

  I bury my head in my hands, not even caring that Lyric is watching me lose it completely. "Oh honey," she says, wrapping her arms around me and hugging me to her, shocking me because I can't believe she even feels a little sorry for me. Not after what I did to her.

  Lyric leads me over to the couch in the den, sits me down and walks into the kitchen. She's only gone a few minutes when she comes back with a pack of saltine crackers and a glass of Coke. "Here," she says gently, handing them to me. I nibble on the crackers and sip the drink slowly, hoping they all stay where they're supposed to. I hate being sick, I always have. Nobody likes to throw up, but ugh. Just thinking about it makes me want to run back to the bathroom.

  She's staring at me, her eyes narrowed in concentration and I want to squirm under her watchful gaze. Lyric doesn't say anything at first, waiting for me to finish what she brought over to me before taking a deep breath. "Okay, I'm just going to ask. You can get mad at me if you want to. Have you taken a test yet?"

  I stare at her in shock. How the hell? Seeing the look on my face, one corner of her mouth tips up in a sad smile. "I've been there. I was a junior in college when I ended up pregnant, so I know exactly what you're going through."