by Nicole Dykes
She laughs, “Yeah, right. It’s already eleven o’clock, and Rachel is going to send out the search dogs soon. The library closed at ten o’clock. I have to go, but thank you for inviting me along tonight.”
She kisses me and then slips her shoes on. We never have enough time together. The way she can cut and run makes me look like an amateur giving a chick the slip after sex. She leans back down on her side and says in a hesitating tone, “Luke…”
I roll on my side, facing her, “Hannah?”
“Why didn’t you tell me about customizing bikes?”
I knew the question was coming. I just thought I would have more time before having to answer it. “It’s no big deal, just a hobby.”
She turns to me, calling me on my lie with just a look.
I sigh, “Okay, not just a hobby.” I sit up against the headboard. “I worked at Jax and Dylan’s shop, Tricked, all during high school and loved it. Football isn’t my only talent. Anyway, Brooke introduced us to Adam Shriller, her ex-boyfriend, at one of his races. I had been doing some work before I met him. Then, Jax showed him some pictures of what I had done. Next thing I know, I’m customizing his race bikes as well some other riders. Six in all,” I tack on as a matter of fact.
“That’s incredible, why would you hide that?”
I run my hands through my hair to calm down, but my tone of voice is still borderline frustrated, “It’s just not my life right now. I’m a football player for Kansas State University. That’s all I am right now because that’s all that’s allowed. I don’t really get many weekends off. I get maybe a month in the summer for a break. Only a couple of days during winter break. I just…shit. I don’t know. Honestly, I just don’t like to think about it. If I do, I’ll end up hating all of this more.”
She nods, sadly, “I get it, Luke,” she says. “So during your break this summer, you are planning to work on customizing bikes.”
“Yeah. Because it looks like one month a year is all I’m going to get for the next few years.” Now, that tone I recognize as resentment.
She brightens up, “Well, you know what I’m thinking about for this summer?”
“What?”
“I haven’t asked my father yet, but I thought it would be really fun to take summer courses and stay here.”
I smile, “I think that’s a great idea. Will your scholarship cover the summer?”
“I applied for summer aid in January, and it was approved. But I don’t know if my dad will go for it.”
“If you have the aid, does it really matter what he says?”
She shrugs her small shoulders up and down, “I don’t know yet.” She smiles again, “But how great would it be? They have dorms open during the summer. They allowed some money for living expenses, and I have a decent amount saved.”
Hannah staying here for the summer. Maybe even without her pain in the ass roommate. I really like that idea. “That would be fucking awesome. You can keep me company while I’m trapped here.”
She kisses the bridge of my nose, “It would be fun. Okay, I have to go. But maybe I’ll see you tomorrow?”
I nod because I always stop by the library when she’s working. I just don’t know if we will have any alone time. Hannah has a test she’s been cramming for, and I have a long practices and team meetings. Then, there’s my own studying I have to fit in. “You can count on it,” I tell her.
By Wednesday of the next week, I haven’t spent one second alone with Hannah, and it’s beginning to drive me fucking crazy. She told me in our Econ class this morning that she’s working from four to eight today, so I know she has a break for dinner around six o’clock.
After my run, I picked up some sub sandwiches and walk to the library to find her sitting at her desk and looking worn out. She still manages to give me a smile when she sees me. “Hi, Luke.”
“Hey, you hungry?”
She nods her head, “Starving, but I only get fifteen minutes for a break.”
I hold up the bag with the sandwiches, “I’ll take it.”
She tells the girl next to her she will be back, and we head to a bench outside in front of the library. I hand her a sandwich, and she accepts it gratefully, “Thank you. You really didn’t have to do this, but I’m glad you did.”
I get my sandwich out. “You busy after work?”
She takes a bite, “Um, yeah I have a study group, and then I probably need to get to bed.” Before I can say anything, she adds, “Not yours, sadly.”
“Okay, what about tomorrow? Any breaks in the day?”
She’s thinking about it, “I have a two-hour break from one to three, but then I have class. After that, I have to go straight to work. And then study group until ten.”
“Shit. I have a one o’clock class and then practice right after. What about Friday?”
“I have to work until eight, but then I’m free. But I can tell Rachel I have to work until ten. Then I could tell her I’m going to hang out with friends for a while after.” She sighs heavily, “Does it make me sound bad, lying to her so much?”
I laugh, Hannah really isn’t a liar at all, so I have to assume that it’s because their friendship isn’t really a friendship and more of fucked up babysitter situation that I’m hoping Hannah will free herself from soon. “No, you’re not bad. And Friday will work for me. I have practice, and then I’m working out with the team until around eight o’clock, but I’ll be there.”
After we finish up, she gives me a kiss and then she goes back into work.
Chapter 20
Hannah
Friday morning, I wake up with a huge smile on my face just as I have every morning since the first night with Luke. Being with him is as terrifying as it is invigorating because I know this isn’t going to last forever, even though I would give anything if it could. I just pray every day that our friendship will survive the fallout.
I walk into my Econ class and find my seat. It was a little chilly this morning so I slipped on a jacket before heading out, but walking into the classroom I can tell I won’t need it in here. Before unloading my bag, I stand and remove my jacket and then tie it around my waist so I don’t forget it. That’s when I feel two strong arms around me at the same time.
I can’t stop the smile on my face as I feel Lucas’s lips trail from my neck to my ear and he whispers, “Good morning,” before releasing me very slowly and turning me to him.
“Well, good morning to you too. You’re certainly in a good mood.”
“Of course, it’s a great day for Economics.”
I giggle at that since I know Lucas hates Economics, and then we both sit in our usual desks. I’m happy too, even though I was up late last night thinking about the summer and how amazing it would be to stay up here and not go back to Texas. I know Rachel isn’t planning on staying this summer, and I’m certainly not telling her about receiving financial aid or my plans to go to summer school, which means I can enjoy my freedom when she returns to Texas.
And a break from Rachel sounds incredible right now. I need time to myself without her breathing down my neck all the time, and I don’t know if I have the courage to come right out and say it, so this opportunity is perfect.
I’ve decided I am going to ask my father today and hopefully, surprise Luke with the good news when I meet him tonight.
After class, he leans in my direction, “Eight o’clock?”
I nod my head. “Yes. Your room.”
He smiles, “Good, I need some Hannah time.”
We both stand and start the walk up the stairs to the exit, “I definitely need some Lucas time.”
After Luke checks-out of class, we head outside the building hand in hand and join Hunter and Cameron.
Hunter nods to me, “You gonna finally join us for lunch, Hannah?”
Luke looks at me hopefully, and I hate having to turn him down, “I wish I could, but I have a class right after this.” I look back up at Lucas’s dark eyes, “I’ll see you tonight.”
“I’ll be there, Cam is even draggin’ Hunter out of the room for a bit, so we’ll be alone.”
Hunter rolls his eyes, “Not all damn night, though, I have to be up early, and we have a curfew.”
Luke laughs and looks straight at me with hunger and anticipation, “At least we’ll have some time to ourselves.”
I nod, “I can’t wait.”
With that, he goes with Hunter and Cameron, and I head to my next class, although I’m dying to skip it and just go to lunch with them. What would skipping one class hurt?
I shake that off. No, I can’t start skipping classes and making horrible decisions.
I have about 30 minutes before I need to be at work and Rachel is in class so I suck in a deep breath, and I hit call on my phone to dial my father.
I let out the breath as I wait for him to answer.
Maybe he won’t answer.
“Hannah?”
“Hi Father, how are you?”
“I’m alright, why are you calling?”
I talk to my mother weekly, always on Sundays. I maybe talk to my father once a month during one of those calls. He’s still very angry and disappointed in me for going to college in the first place, but especially for going to college so far away.
Alright, brief and to the point. That’s okay. My heart is pounding so fast I can hear it in my ears, I hate the fear of disappointment I have when it comes to my father. “I…”
“Hannah, I’m a very busy man. Just tell me why you are calling.”
“I want to take summer courses here, and I have the financial aid approved and everything so I still won’t need a thing, I can even stay in the dorms, or I have enough to rent an apartment close to camp—”
“Absolutely not.”
“But—”
“But nothing. Have you completely lost your mind, Hannah Marie?”
“No of course—”
He interrupts me again, like a small child, “You are not spending your entire summer in Manhattan away from your family. Rachel is not going to be taking summer classes. She is going to be teaching Sunday school at the church this summer, and you are going to help her. Also, you need to volunteer this summer. I need to make sure that your morals and values have not been lost in the cesspool of sin you call a college.”
“You went to college.”
“I am a man, and I went to a Christian College. Not a state school. Your mother never went to college. And now you want to go all year long.”
I feel a tear slowly slide down my cheek. Do not let him hear you cry.
“Father, I’m not here to do bad things, I’m here to learn and grow and—”
“I don’t want to hear it, Hannah, you and Rachel will be coming home as soon as you are done with your finals. You are lucky I let you go there in the first place and that I will let you go back in the Fall, but you need to come home and refresh yourself on the teachings of the church.”
I want to say so many things, so many angry, hateful things, but the only thing that comes out it is, “Yes, father.”
“Good. Your mother will call you Sunday.”
“Alright. Goodbye.”
“Goodbye.”
With that, he hangs up the phone. When did I become this girl, this weak child? My father has always been my weakness. I felt the disappointment from him my entire life. When I would play in the mud with the boys and get dirty. When I expressed my wonder with the stars, when I had a best friend who was a boy and a “sinful” one at that, when he caught me sneaking back in after spending time with Lucas in Kansas, and when he caught me sneaking back inside when I would sneak out in Texas.
I’ll never forget the look on his face when he caught me climbing back into the window at my aunt’s house after my night with Lucas, wearing his shirt, probably smelling like smoke and alcohol from the party we were at even though, we weren’t participating in any of that. Smelling like sex.
He slapped me across the face and called me a whore. Like somehow he knew, but that night I didn’t care that he knew.
After all of that, though, I still care what he thinks of me. I still want to please him and make him happy. I am the epitome of a girl with “daddy issues”.
I started the day so happy, and now I’m crushed because my father told me no.
I won’t allow myself to cry or feel sorry for myself. I go on about my day, smile through my shift at the library, stack books, and help students with anything they need.
After work, I walk slowly, numbly to Luke’s dorm room. I was so excited to tell him that I would be staying for the summer at the beginning of this day, but now I think it’s best to not bring it up. I know Luke, and he will want me to fight, but I can’t battle with my father over this. It’s not that big of a deal anyway. What was I thinking? In what universe was my father going to be on board with that plan.
I walk into the building around eight. The main doors to the dorm don’t lock until nine o’clock, so I didn’t have to ask Luke to come and get me.
I walk up to his floor and stare at the outside of his door, trying to wipe my face clean of the sadness I feel.
“Hannah?”
I jump when I hear Luke behind me. I turn to him, he’s grinning and freshly showered from after practice. And then I suddenly burst into tears. I don’t miss the look of horror on his face as he approaches me and holds me tightly in his arms, “What’s wrong?”
I’m blubbering like a total idiot, and he pulls back, holding my face in his gigantic hands, “Hannah, tell me what’s wrong? Are you hurt?”
I shake my head. So much for putting on a brave face. “I’m okay.”
“Yeah, because you always cry in the hallway.”
I look around the dorm hallway, there are only a couple of people around, and they don’t seem to be paying attention to me, but I’m still mortified, “Can we please go inside to talk?”
He nods and drops one hand, searching in his pocket for his keys, still keeping his eyes on me. He finds them and unlocks it, guiding me inside.
When we are inside, he closes the door and locks it. I look at him, tears still slowly coming down, “I see Hunter learned to lock the door.”
He puts his keys down, “Nah, we left together so I locked it. What’s going on Hannah, you’re scaring the shit out of me.”
“I talked to my dad today.”
“Okay.” He leads me to the large couch in their living room, and we sit down together, with my head on his shoulder, “And?”
“And like an idiot, I told him about this summer.”
“About taking summer classes?”
I nod, “Yep. And he hated the idea. He thinks I should go home and work in the church and volunteer all summer. Remember my values.”
I feel Luke’s body tense, “Right. He wants to reprogram you to hate yourself.”
I sit up and look at him, wiping the tears from my cheeks, “No, he’s just worried about me.”
Why am I defending him?
"Look Hannah, the way I see it you can still stay for the summer. I mean, you have the financial aid, that's really all you need."
I shake my head, “No, you don't get it. I'm already on thin ice just being here. I'm afraid if I stay for the summer against his wishes he will be done with me."
"Hannah, he isn't going to disown you for staying the summer."
"Yes he will and I just can't do that. I know it's pathetic, but I just… Dammit, Lucas I need to make him proud of me somehow."
"I get that, believe me, Hannah, I do. More than you'll ever know."
I wipe my tears again, "No you can’t possibly."
He sighs and pulls me tighter to him, "Jax and Dylan actually built me my own shop. It's just sitting there filled with every state of the art machine I need to build and customize bikes, and they offered me a partnership in their business. They didn't pressure me, but they wanted me to know that the option was there for me as soon as I graduated from high school." I turn to watch him as he's telling me this and he conti
nues, "And God I wanted to Hannah, so fucking bad.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“My dad. He had a scholarship to play for K-State back in his day, but married Dylan’s mother when she got pregnant. Then, he had to start working full-time to support his family. I always knew he resented the hell out Dylan’s mom and Dylan.”
My chest tightens at that statement. That is something I never knew.
Luke goes on, “Anyway, Dylan at least went to college even though he didn’t play football for them, but he quit after the first year, and I never saw my father so disappointed in his life. After that, I could barely mention Dylan and all my father talked about was how I was going to make him proud, I would be the one that was going to go to college, play football, and graduate.”
“But that’s not your dream.”
He shakes his head sadly, “Maybe it was at one time, but from the first bike I worked on, I was hooked. It’s a fucking rush.”
I smile over at him, “Customizing dirt bikes?”
He nods, “Hell yeah, it’s hard to explain, but there is just something about spending hours designing in your head and then having it come to life for all the world to see. And then you go to a race and watch your work fly around the track all the way to the finish line. It’s intense.”
I examine his face, so full of happiness, “You think I’m insane?”
I smile, “No, Luke. I’ve just never heard you talk so passionately about playing football the way you just did about bikes. Having to wait three more years to be doing what you want must be torture.”
He swallows hard, “It has been. I love football. I love the team, the fans, the crowds, but it’s something that I can live without. When I’m lost in thought, it’s not a play I’m thinking about. It motorcycles and what I can do to them.”
I turn so I am facing him fully on the couch, “You need to go, you hate it here, why are you here?”
He laughs, but it’s not a happy laugh, “There is a difference in why I’m here and why you’re here. We are the same because we want our fathers to be proud of us. But the outcomes are so different. At least when my time is up, I can start living my own life and following my dream. Your dad hates you being here. He’s never going to be proud of what you accomplish. You aren't going to get his blessing until you go home and marry the good ole’ Christian boy he expects you to, Hannah. So, when are you going to say enough is enough and live your life?”