by Nicole Dykes
He raises an eyebrow, “And that would have been bad, why?”
“Are you kidding? You had everything going for you, and such a bright future. We had just talked about how you were going to kill it in varsity football and then get a scholarship to college. You wanted to make your father proud because Dylan had disappointed him so much. Can you imagine what your father would have said, especially after what you told me about him and Dylan’s mother? The resentment he felt for Dylan would have then fallen on you. If your father would have ended up disappointed in you, I know you would end up resenting me for getting pregnant.”
“See, Hannah, that’s the problem. You never even gave me the fucking chance to make these choices. You took my rights away as the father of our child, and that is not right. And what if your parents would have sent you away to have the baby? You would have been all alone when it would have been my responsibility to be there for you. Don’t you get it, you took all my choices and all my rights away?”
“That may be so, but I just couldn’t let you ruin your life too. I knew I was screwed, but I wasn’t going to drag you down in my messed up life. Your future was too bright.”
“Your future was important too. You didn’t get pregnant by yourself, Hannah, I was there too.”
It seems strange to be arguing about something that never even happened, “I barely even had time to process it all, Lucas, before I lost the baby. I can’t defend something that didn’t even happen.”
He looks at me full of pity, “Okay, I get why you didn’t tell me when you were actually pregnant, but why didn’t you tell me after. I mean there was no baby to “ruin” my life, so why not just tell me, so I could try to help you through it.”
I blink back tears. There were so many times I just wanted to tell him, because I knew he was the one person that had a shot at making me feel better. “I didn’t want you to feel that pain. No one knew about the pregnancy. You could just go on with your life and not know about our loss.”
“But I lost you. And I had no fucking clue why.” I use both hands to cover my face. I just can’t look at him, after what I’ve done to him. I feel his hands on mine slowly pulling them down, he’s sitting closer to me now, but I can still feel the distance, “Hannah, just talk to me, don’t hide from me.”
I take another deep breath, “I’m so sorry, I can never say that enough. I felt like I was being punished so I vowed to change. I stopped hanging out with the friends I made in Texas, and I got more involved in church and volunteering. I tried to do some good and just totally numbed myself.”
He leans back into the couch, “Weren’t you scared to sleep with me again after all of that?”
“Yes of course I was, but then again, you have a way of freeing me. When I’m with you, I forget about all of the pain and sadness and I feel hope again. That’s why I pushed you away for so long, I knew that you would heal me.” That really gets his attention, and he looks over at me confused, “I wasn’t ready to be healed. And I knew I would eventually tell you and cause you this heartache. It’s something you will never be able to forget now.”
“You didn’t deserve to be all alone with this secret. I should have been right there with you, and it’s something I will never forgive myself for.”
That saddens me to hear. How can he blame himself? “You were only fifteen, and I didn’t tell you about any of it. There is no way you could have known.”
“You were only fifteen too, and I knew something was wrong. I should have made you tell me.”
I scoff at that, “You couldn’t have from that far away, and I had already made up my mind to never tell anyone.”
He sits up running his fingers through his hair in frustration, “And sleeping with that other guy? I think I’m even more confused about that now.”
I sigh, sadly, not really sure how to explain that, because I don’t one hundred percent understand it myself.
I try anyway, “I had totally changed myself. I walked around being the good girl my parents dreamed I would be. I abandoned every bit of the real me. But in that moment, I just wanted to feel like a normal eighteen year-old girl. It was a massive mistake, though, and it ended up making me feel even more like a freak.”
“And with me?”
I smile slightly, “You brought me back. I finally had my best friend back.”
He shakes his head, “Have. You have your best friend back, Hannah. I promised you we will always be friends and that I wouldn’t hate you no matter what your secret was. I could never hate you.”
“But you see me differently.”
“Maybe. I don’t know. I won’t lie to you. Part of me feels like I’m talking to a stranger. I feel like I have no idea who you are. Somewhere inside you, I know there is the Hannah that wouldn’t have kept this from me, but the Hannah I’m looking at now is someone I don’t know.”
“I have no more secrets. I swear I will never lie to you again. This was the biggest mistake of my life.”
“We all make mistakes, Hannah.”
I can’t stop the tears that fall now, I’m not full on sobbing like the other day, but I can’t help the slow tears, “So we can still be friends then?”
“Forever.” He grabs my hand tenderly and the look on his face tells me he wants to tell me something that he has been struggling deeply with, “But I don’t think we should have sex anymore.”
I look up at the ceiling again, avoiding his eyes, and wipe at my wet cheek. I knew this secret would destroy this part of our relationship. So many things are running through my head when I choke out, “Okay.”
He uses one finger to bring my chin back down, so I am looking at him again, “Let me explain. When you told me something had happened to you in Texas, I thought there was no way it could have been something I did, but it was me. I did this.” I shake my head and start to tell him that he didn’t do anything, but he goes on, “What we did together caused you so much pain. It caused you to push me away and me to lose my best friend during the worst years of my life.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“Us having sex caused all of this. I just think… shit, Hannah, I just don’t ever want to lose you again. Even if it’s just a small chance that it could happen again, I can’t risk it. I care about our friendship way too much. About you too much. I’m so glad that you are back in my life, we have a second chance, and I don’t want to fuck it up by adding sex. Having sex almost ruined us forever. What if we didn’t end up at the same school? We would have gone our whole lives without this friendship.”
It’s not the sex I’m going to miss. I mean I’m going to miss that without a doubt, but it’s the closeness. We were so close to being happy, but I thank God he still wants to be my friend. That maybe, we can still talk daily and tell each other everything. I missed him so much the three years I cut him out, it felt like a piece of me was missing.
This could have gone so badly, he could have done what I did to him and pushed me far away, but he still wants to be in my life. He wants the friendship we’ve had since childhood. “Okay, I’m happy that you still want to be friends.”
He pulls me in for a hug. “Always, no matter what, I will always be there for you. Just please don’t push me away.”
I hold onto him tightly, taking in his scent and the way he feels like it may be the last time we touch, “I won’t. Never again.”
I mean that with my whole heart, I will never push him away again, but I pray the damage to our friendship isn’t already done.
Is there any way we can still truly be friends?
Chapter 28
Luke
After my talk with Hannah, she didn’t stay very long. When she was leaving, I could see the sadness in her eyes as well as the confusion. But I had absolutely no idea what to say or how to comfort her.
I was too fucking much of a wreck myself. We hugged and then she went back to her dorm, and I’m left feeling pissed off at everything.
Learning about what happened three years
ago, because I couldn’t keep my fucking curiosity in check. We could still be together if I would have left well enough alone. Now, I’ve taken what I’m sure is the coward’s way out of our physical relationship and set us back in the friend zone, when not twenty-four hours ago, we were so much more. Now, I’m frustrated as hell with the thoughts that play on repeat in my mind. And I’m wondering if I’ve made the right decision.
There are really only two ways I know how to deal with feeling like this, and since I’m not really in the mood to get laid, I change into workout clothes and head to the gym.
After spending a half hour on the punching bag trying to drown out all of my stupid feelings, I run back to my dorm.
I grab a bottled water and chug it before hopping into the shower. While I soap up, my mind drifts to Hannah, how happy we were hanging out again, and how fucking broken she seemed the last two times I saw her.
I know she was trying to protect me by not telling me, but I hate that she spent almost four years dealing with this by herself, and I was just going around like an idiot, enjoying my ignorance.
I rinse off and climb into bed. I meant what I said, I will always be her friend no matter how badly I still want her in my bed. For such a short amount of time, things were perfect. What we shared was perfect. We grew closer and closer every day. So much so, she fit perfectly with my family.
Oh shit, what am I going to tell my family?
I fall asleep, irritated and angry. My run did nothing to help relieve the tension from the last few days.
I wake up to my phone buzzing next to me. I open one eye and glance at the clock, I’ve only been asleep for twenty minutes. I grab my phone and see Hunter’s name.
Oh shit, he must be back. I answer it, “Hey.”
“Hey, will you come let me in?”
“Yep, down in a minute.”
I put pants on and run downstairs to let Hunter in, it’s only a little before midnight. When I open the large wooden door to the building, Hunter brushes past me, and then without a word, heads up the stairs. I guess his trip did not go well.
I close the door and then walk up the stairs, two at a time behind him. When we both reach our room, he walks into the living room, flips on the light, and flops down hard on the couch with his arms folded across his chest.
Great. I’m in a pissy mood with everything going on with Hannah and now Choir Boy is pissy too. This is not going to be good. He’s always the one in a good mood.
I sit down next to him on the couch and fold my arms too, propping my feet up on the coffee table in front of us. Hunter follows suit and puts his feet up too.
I turn my head slightly in his direction, “You want to talk about it?”
He shakes his head, “Nope.” He then turns a little toward me, “You?”
Now it’s my turn to shake my head, “Nope.”
We sit in the silence staring straight ahead of us until I finally give, “I bet mine is worse than yours.”
He scoffs, “Doubtful, mine is pretty fucking bad.”
No way his is worse than the secret Hannah’s been keeping from me and now feeling empty, just being her fucking friend. “Mine is worse.”
He turns to me, curiously, everything is a competition with athletes, that is no stereotype, “Really? Did you walk in on Hannah with a cock in her mouth?”
Holy shit. My eyes widen, and Hunter nods his head triumphantly.
“That’s fucked up.”
“You’re telling me.”
“Okay, that’s really bad. What did she say? I mean, after she removed the cock from her mouth.”
He rubs his eyes like he is trying to remove the image from his brain, “Just that she was really sorry, but she can’t imagine only being with one guy her whole life, and how she couldn’t imagine how I would be cool only being with one girl my whole life. Then she tried to flip it and accuse me of cheating, so I fucking left.”
Hunter is the most loyal person I have ever met, how a girl that has been dating him for three years could accuse him of cheating is beyond me, but I guess the guilty always try to point the blame somewhere else. “I’m sorry man.”
He huffs, dropping his arms again, “So, I win right?”
I laugh, “I don’t know man, mine is pretty fucked up too.”
He looks at me like that’s not possible, I don’t want to betray Hannah’s trust, so I can’t give him all the details, but I guess since I started this little competition I owe him something.
“Hannah and I are calling it quits, I mean with screwing each other at least, but we are still friends.” He eyes me, wanting more detail as to how mine beats his, “She withheld some pretty fucking important information from me. The reason she didn’t talk to me for so long actually had a lot to do with me and something that happened between us a long time ago, and she didn’t tell me, just cut me out.”
“Hmm, I’m guessing it is a pretty messed up secret, if it’s keeping you from continuing this friends who fuck arrangement you two have going on.”
“Yeah, it’s messed up alright.”
“But, you can still be friends with her?”
I nod, “Yeah, I just can’t sleep with her anymore.”
He’s skeptical, I saw that coming, though, “Please, if you have forgiven her enough to still be friends, then the first time you two are alone again, the clothes are coming off.”
It’s something that I’ve already thought about. Of course, it’s going to be hard not to cross that line anymore. I know what it’s like to be with Hannah, but I know what’s it’s like to lose Hannah too, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let that happen again, because I can’t keep it in my pants. Fuck that.
“Nah, that part is done and over, but we will find a way to stay friends.”
He smiles at that, “I hope so, man.”
I nudge him in the arm with a closed fist, “Sorry about Miranda, that’s total bullshit.”
“Yeah, I don’t know how I misjudged that situation so bad; but whatever, I’ll just throw my ass into football even more.”
I laugh, football is his escape, God help the other team when he focuses all his rage on kicking their ass. “Nice, coach will be pleased. You know Cam is going to try like crazy to get you laid when he hears.”
He groans, “Oh shit, how long do you think I can keep this from him?”
I chuckle, sharing in each other’s misery actually seems to have helped for the minute, “Not long.”
“Great. That’s all I need.”
Wednesday. It’s time for Econ again, and I’m walking to class with Cam and Hunter. Hunter just told Cam about his visit with Miranda on the way here, and Cam is going on and on about how much fun they are going to have helping him get over her.
“No seriously, we can go to every party we are invited to now, you don’t have anything to hold you back now.”
Hunter is actually in a pretty good mood today and seems to be amused with how excited Cam is about this, “I still care about football, dumbass. I’m not breaking curfew and getting into trouble. I actually have talent remember?”
I laugh at that, and Cameron just laughs it off, “Luke, we are getting him laid. Seriously, once we show him what this campus has to offer, he won’t even remember that Oklahoma bitch’s name.” We both chuckle at that and then he looks over at me, “I know, I know, you and Hannah have your little thing, but it’s not an official relationship, so you can go too.”
I shake my head, oh fuck, might as well tell him, “Hannah and I don’t have a “thing” anymore. That’s over, and we are still friends. And no, I don’t need your help getting laid.”
His smile grows even bigger, “Holy shit, we’re all available at once! This is fucking great! This is the dream!”
I shake my head at Cam. Neither Hunter nor I are ready to start picking up random girls, but he has put us in a much better mood.
That’s who Cam is, he’s that guy that pumps you up and is always in for a good time. “Yeah, I’m actually w
ith Hunter on this one, they are paying way too much attention to the football players, our time to be good is now.”
“Fuck that, we just have to be careful. I have an idea since you two are pussies. How about we have a girly pizza and movie night?”
We reach Calvin Hall and Hunter’s eyebrow goes up, “What’s the catch?”
“Well, we add beer and a few hot girls.”
Hunter interjects, “No girls.”
We walk into the lecture hall, and I glance down toward the front and see Hannah, “Maybe one girl.”
Cam follows my eyesight, “No, you can’t invite her. You guys aren’t fucking anymore.”
“Exactly, we are friends. So, a fun movie night, Friday night it is.”
Hunter agrees as we all check-in with Anthony. Cam is putting up a fight, but I just glide down the stairs toward Hannah and ignore his objections.
This will be good if I can get Hannah to agree. I need to show her that I do want to continue to be friends, that I won’t push her away.
I need to keep her from pushing me away, too.
Chapter 29
Hannah
I take out my notes for my Econ class, this is our last full week of classes this semester. I can’t believe in less than two weeks, I’ll be back in Texas. Although I am enrolled in summer classes, I still haven’t talked to my father again about actually staying. With everything that has happened, I haven’t been feeling very brave.
I feel so relieved when I see Luke approach me and sit down next to me, “Good morning, Hannah.”
He’s grinning and seems to be happy today. I’m glad, but I have no idea how he can be happy. I’ve been miserable since I told him everything.
I haven’t talked to him since Monday, and I wasn’t sure if he was going to sit with me today or not, “Good morning. How have you been?”
“I’ve been okay, keeping busy. You?”
Depressed, lonely, rejected. “Fine.”
He stretches casually, he makes everything look so easy. “I know this is really fucking weird, but maybe it doesn’t have to be. We were friends first, and we are still friends now.”