by Nicole Dykes
Spring semester has officially ended and finals are over. This whole week felt like a blur. Lucas and I studied together for our Econ final on Tuesday night, but I didn’t see him very much until we said our goodbyes quickly this morning before my last final.
It’s so hard to be around him, when all I want to do is either kiss him or slap him for giving up on us. I know that’s not exactly rational and we were never technically a couple, but it still stings.
No matter how badly it hurts, though, it’s nothing compared to the three years he wasn’t in my life. Those years were the worst of my life, especially because I was carrying around such a horrible secret.
I feel oddly free now that at least Lucas knows about that and I’m not alone with it anymore.
Maybe that’s for the best, though, maybe fate brought us back together to only be friends and we pushed it too far with the physical aspect. We are both so young and so screwed up by our pasts, a relationship between us would probably be a disaster.
I would have loved to try it, though.
We finally pull up to my parent’s house around ten o’clock at night. Why Rachel is here I have no idea, she can go home to her parents now.
I get out, grabbing my duffle bag filled with clothes and close my car door approaching her at her car. At least she’s still inside her car.
She rolls her window down to talk to me, “Okay, I will be over for dinner Wednesday night. I wouldn’t bring up this summer semester to anyone.”
Like it’s a secret.
I am so happy to have a break from Rachel this summer. I need to examine this messed up “friendship” further.
I simply nod, “Get home safe.”
She rolls up her window, but stays parked. She’s actually waiting to make sure I go inside. Good Lord, this is so ridiculous.
I walk up to the front door, unlock it and go in without looking back. This is so not a normal friendship between nineteen year-old girls.
The house is quiet and dark so I just walk softly up the stairs to my old bedroom.
For a pastor, my father has done pretty well for himself. We live out in the country on twenty acres. The house is an old farmhouse with several bedrooms, so I was lucky enough to have my own.
I open the creaky door, holding my breath, and hoping I didn’t wake anyone. I let the breath out when I don’t hear a sound and then make my way to my bed.
My room is simple with a bed, a very simple wooden desk, a chair, a bedside table, and a dresser. It’s not decorated, other than a beautiful wooden cross above my bed, and a Bible sits on my desk.
My curtains are even a drab yellow color.
I feel sick being back here.
My phone buzzes in my purse, and I quickly search for it before my father hears it. If it were up to him, I wouldn’t have a cell phone, but I bought this one when I left for college. I had a prepaid phone in high school that he never knew about.
I pay the bill on this phone every month, so he can’t say much about it, and it’s the phone my mom called me on every week. You would think he would love it that he can track me down whenever he wants to.
I pull the phone out and silence it.
I see a text from Luke, asking if I got here safely.
I text him back a simple reply, letting him know I did, and then I go to sleep.
The next morning, I wake up at six o’clock. I can hear everyone downstairs, so I reluctantly get out of bed and walk down the stairs.
I already miss Manhattan.
When I get downstairs, I see the boys sitting at the dining room table, my father is reading the paper, and the girls are in the kitchen preparing breakfast. Not one thing has changed since the last time I was here in January.
I give a small wave to my brothers, I have three of them. We all, of course, have biblical names, mine coming from the book of Samuel. My brother, Jacob, was born pretty close to me, he’s currently seventeen but will be eighteen soon. My brother Daniel is eleven and Elijah, the youngest sibling, is eight.
They all nod, quietly at me as to not disturb my father, who likes quiet time in the morning. Always, really.
My father doesn’t even look up.
I skulk into the kitchen. My mom sees me first, “Hannah, I’m glad you made it home safely. Thank you for being quiet last night when you got in.”
There is no warm, motherly, hug. She looks tired and worn with her hair in a single braid. There was a time when my mother was extremely beautiful, although she never really flaunted it.
My sister, Ruth, who is fifteen, now gives me a kind smile, “I’m glad you are home.”
I return her smile and give her a brief hug, “It’s good to see you, Ruth.”
I then turn to my youngest sister, Mary. She’s thirteen now and we look fairly similar. “Hi, Mary.”
She hands me a bowl of scrambled eggs, “Hi, Hannah, welcome home.”
Soft spoken. All of them stifled and taught that children are meant to be seen and not heard. I take the bowl from her and know it’s for me to go right back into my role as a daughter and serve the men at the table.
Lord help me get through this week.
I bring the bowl into the dining room, and sit it down on the table, and then go back into the kitchen to help finish preparing breakfast. When the meal is on the table, we all say Grace and then eat silently.
I think back to meals I had over at the Monroe house. It was anything, but silent. The kids always talked about their day and anything they wanted to. Sylvia encouraged her children to be loud, and they all had a voice.
After breakfast, the women retire to the kitchen to clean up.
This is going to be such a long week.
By Wednesday night, I feel like I am climbing the walls to get out of here. My father has ignored my presence the entire time, he hasn’t even made eye contact once.
Rachel comes over for dinner and it’s like his long lost child has returned. He smiles when she walks in the door. Actually smiles.
When we are all seated and the prayer has been said, everyone eats quietly.
I pick at my mother’s chicken and think about how tomorrow, I will be out of here when my brother Jacob clears his throat and looks over at me, “So, are you ready to go back tomorrow?”
You have no idea.
I can’t believe he asked me that around my dad, who snaps over at him, “Jacob, do not bring up that place again.”
He acts like I’m stripping or whoring myself out, I’m going to college to get an education. I almost open my mouth to tell him so when Rachel catches my eye with a stern look and I stop myself.
This place is like a whole other bizarre world and, after being out in the real world this year, I see just how backward everything is here.
I finish dinner and then go to my room, not even saying goodbye to my supposed friend, Rachel.
When I’m ready for bed, I hear a slight knock on my door. Maybe it’s my father coming to tell me to have a safe trip tomorrow?
Not likely.
I open the door and see it’s Jacob. “Jacob? You okay?”
He nods, and says quietly, “Can I talk to you for a minute?”
“Yes, of course, come in.”
He does, and I close the door, “What is college like, Hannah?”
It’s at that point that I really realize my siblings are all still trapped in this hell. I brighten up when I answer, “It’s amazing, Jacob. There is a huge, different world out there.”
He lowers his head, sadly, “Sinful.”
“No, it’s not sinful to learn and explore this world. Why do you think God made all of this? Just to stay here?”
He looks troubled, “Father wants me to go to the same Christian college he went to and follow his path.”
I always assumed that’s what Jacob and all of my brothers would do. None of my siblings ever rebelled like I did, they all seemed to fall right in line. “Is that what you want?”
“I don’t know anymore. Part of me wants to d
o that, marry a peaceful woman, have children and work in the church, but then a part of me wants to know what else is out there.”
“Well you have great grades, I’m sure a high ACT score. You could probably get a scholarship to any college you want.”
“It’s too late, I am already enrolled.”
“It’s never too late.”
He pulls me into a tight hug and then releases me, “I’m happy for you Hannah.”
With that, he leaves my room. I won’t even have to ask in August where he is going to school. He’s following down my father’s road, doing what is expected of him.
The next morning, I eat breakfast with my family, then pack my bag and say quick goodbyes.
My father goes out the back door to sit on the porch while this is happening to avoid me.
I walk out the front door to my car, but stop.
I walk behind the house to where my father is sitting, “Goodbye, father.”
He doesn’t acknowledge me, which angers me.
“I’m not doing anything wrong. It’s not sinful.”
He glares over at me, “You have always been sinful. You never did what you were told, and you are a disappointment.”
The words cut through me, deeper than I want to admit. “I’m not trying to rebel, I just want my own life.”
“Just leave. But do not forget the conditions of this arrangement.”
Or what? He has already written me off. Why do I continue to try to make him happy?
I don’t bother saying anything else, I just do what he says and I leave. I drive back to Manhattan, his words echoing in my mind.
You are a disappointment.
Chapter 32
Luke
I haven’t talked to Hannah much this week, but I did get a text from her this morning, telling me she was leaving Texas and heading back up here.
It’s been less than a week, but I miss seeing her.
The athletic dorms are still open for another week before they let us go for our summer break, but we don’t have practice at the moment so I’ve had a lot of free time.
I spent it at the gym, and thinking about Hannah.
I wonder how her trip to her parents’ went, and if there is any damage leftover from the week around her father. She’s had so much shame and guilt instilled in her since she was a young child. Although she played it tough, I know it always affected her.
I question my decision to stop sleeping together daily, but in the end, I feel like it was the right decision. I’m nineteen, what did I think was going to happen? We were going to date, and then marry in a few years?
There is no way I would be ready for that type of commitment this young, and it would have ended badly. Or she would have dumped me for someone her father approves of.
Yes, I know, all things that should have stopped me in the first place, but it’s like knowing her secret woke me up to how reckless we were being.
I knew it in the back of my mind, everyone else tried to warn me, but Hannah is the one girl that makes me fucking stupid. I’m blind to everything else when she’s around.
I care for Hannah more than I have ever cared about anyone. I let my attraction to her ruin what we had four years ago, and I almost did it again.
I’ve made really stupid decisions, and I need to make them right.
This evening I’m walking to Hannah’s new dorm with Hunter. She didn’t ask for our help, but I wanted to offer.
When we get there, I see Hannah juggling a large duffle bag and two pretty good-sized boxes while trying to open the door to the building.
“Damn, she’s stubborn,” Hunter says as we jog up to meet her.
We both reach Hannah, who looks surprised to see us, “What are you guys doing here?”
I take a box and so does Hunter. “We’re here to help you move into your new room. You coulda called me.”
“I’m fine really, it’s not that much stuff.”
“Just lead us to your room.”
We go inside and get into an elevator to go up to the third floor. She then leads Hunter and me to a small single room, and we put the boxes on the floor.
I look around at the tiny dorm room with one bed and one desk. And no Rachel.
Maybe this summer will help her break free from that bitch.
“This is nice, Hannah.”
She laughs at that, “No it’s not, but it’s really great.”
She seems to be happy, no hurt showing on the surface.
Hunter and I bring up the rest of her stuff from her car, and she moves around the small room, unpacking.
When we finish, she turns to us, “Okay, well thank you both so much for your help. I really appreciate it.”
“No problem, Hannah, it was my pleasure. I’ll be outside.”
Hunter then leaves and Hannah’s demeanor turns notably more anxious. And we are going to be in the car, alone together tomorrow. I hope we can move past this awkwardness, but damn if I know how we will do it.
“Thank you, Luke.”
“You’re welcome Hannah. Anytime you need anything, please let me know. I’m still here.”
“I didn’t want to take advantage.”
“You aren’t. You’re not alone, and I’ll be here anytime you need me. I mean it.”
She finally cracks a small smile, “Okay. Thank you. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah, I was thinking around one o’clock? That way we will get there with plenty of time to spare before dinner. I want to show you something before we go to Dylan’s.”
“Sounds great. Are Cameron and Hunter riding with us?”
“No, they are just coming on Saturday for the wedding.”
Yep, that freaked her out.
I walk a little closer to her, a gesture meant to be comforting, but I’m not sure if it is, “It’s going to be fun, Hannah. I promise.”
She just nods, no words.
“I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Yes.”
I leave her room, and I know I can’t force things back to the way they were. Maybe I should have suggested we drive separate cars, but that seems crazy since we are going to the same place. I haven’t told anyone in my family that Hannah and I aren’t “together” anymore, and my nerves are through the fucking roof.
I’m doing everything I can to help Hannah not retreat, but I think I may be screwing that up, and may end up sending her as far away from me as she can get.
Fuck.
I have never had this low of confidence in anything in my life before and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Just keep playing it cool.
The next day I load my car with my bag and Hannah’s, and we start our journey to Overland Park, where we both grew up.
Where I first met Hannah.
The first hour of the trip is extremely quiet. No words are spoken, other than me asking if she was cold from the A/C in my car and her saying she was comfortable.
As we pass through Topeka, which is the halfway point. I finally open my damn mouth and ask, “So how was your trip home?”
Hannah’s small shoulders shrug next to me, “It was fine.”
Please talk to me. “Just fine?”
She turns her head in my direction, “It was the same. The exact same. Nothing has changed.”
“Except for you.”
Her brow crinkles, slightly, as she ponders that. “Yeah, except me. I’ve changed, but then again, I’m the same too. I was fairly obedient, but of course, I couldn’t completely keep my mouth shut. Like always.”
Hannah has always thought she was the “bad one” in her family, the black sheep. And maybe she is, but that doesn’t make her bad. She just is the normal one amongst the strange.
“So, you got into an argument with your father?”
She shakes her head, “Not really. He just despises the fact that I’m staying for the summer and made it clear it’s against his wishes.”
“I’m sorry, sounds stressful as hell.”
/>
“Well, I got to see my brothers and sisters, so that part was nice.”
“And how are they?”
She shrugs again, “I don’t know—the same. I just don’t know how to describe it, Luke. It’s like they have no identities.”
That thought is really sad to me. Hannah is the brave one in their family. Although she is still afraid to piss off her father and always has been, she still did it.
When we finally get near Overland Park, I pass the exit for Dylan’s house and Hannah notices.
She turns her body, looking back at the exit. “Luke, I thought you said they live off of 110th? You just missed your exit.”
“I know. I want to show you something first.”
She settles back into her seat, but she’s suspicious, “Okay.”
Less than ten minutes later we arrive at Tricked, Dylan and Jax’s shop, and right next to it is my garage. Just waiting on me.
It shouldn’t fucking hurt to see a building.
Hannah looks up at the wicked, painted sign for the shop and smiles, “This is Dylan and Jackson’s place?”
I nod my head and get out of my car. Hannah follows after me, “Wow, it’s huge. I mean a lot bigger than I pictured for some reason.”
I laugh, “Yeah, well they get a shitload of business.”
“Are they here?”
I shake my head, “I don’t see their vehicles and I’m sure they left early, or Brooke will have their balls.”
Tonight is a big rehearsal dinner and, from what I can tell, Brooke has been a nut lately. She’s a control freak and wants everything to be perfect, so it makes sense. She’s sent me four texts today alone to make sure that I’m coming and bringing Hannah.
I lead Hannah into the shop and Danny, a really great mechanic, grasps my shoulder, “Holy shit, it’s Luke Monroe! Big shot football player and badass artist.”
I laugh and greet him, we’ve gotten along since Jax hired him. He’s a small guy, covered in tattoos, and one of the nicest guys I’ve met besides Choir Boy. “Good to see ya, man.”
“You here for the wedding?”
“Yep, in town ‘til tomorrow night.”
“Oh man, you aren’t staying?”