by Nicole Dykes
“Okay, Hunter, why the hell are you telling me this?”
He finishes his food and pushes the bowl away, leaning his body a little closer to me, “Because you and football need to get a divorce. You don’t love it anymore.”
How did I not see that coming? “What, you want me to quit?”
“No, I don’t. You’re a good friend of mine and I’m going to miss you out on the field, but your heart isn’t in it. You aren’t here.”
“I can’t quit.”
“Why not? You have a job lined up. A future. You don’t need football or college really. So, what the hell is holding you here?”
“I would be letting my father down.”
“By following your dream?”
“By not following his.”
He stands up from the table, “Luke, you can’t keep this up. You hate it here, it’s obvious. It’s not just the curfew and the rules, although with you, I’m sure that’s a huge part of it. Your heart is elsewhere, man.”
Well it’s official, everyone living thinks I need to leave, even my teammates.
But could I actually do that?
I don’t know if I can live with myself if I let my father down.
I’m not a fucking quitter.
“That may be, but it’s only three years.”
“Who says you have three years left, after everything that’s happened to you man, why you would be wasting any part of your life is beyond me.”
I’ve never come right out and told Hunter about anything that has happened to me, “What are you talking about?”
“Cassie told me about your parents and about Dylan not being in your life for a while. I just think you know better than anyone that life can change in an instant. Why waste it doing something you despise?”
I hate how much sense that makes.
I stand up, “Just give me some time to think about it.”
“You’ve been thinking about it since you got here. Don’t take too long, give them time to coach your replacement.”
“Give me a week.”
He shrugs, “Sure, if you really want to continue going through this hell for even that long, go for it.”
It doesn’t take me a full week to figure out that I can’t do this anymore. I love my father and I do want him to be proud of me, but Hunter, Dylan, Brooke, Hannah, Jax, me, everyone that is still here, we can’t all be wrong.
I’m going through the motions and walking around my life like a fucking zombie and I have to stop. At least with this part of my life.
My love life is still fucked.
After a long, long meeting with the coach and athletic director, my scholarship is withdrawn and my advisor takes me out of all of my scheduled classes for the fall. Of course he tried to get me to stay in school, but that was not happening.
I’m out of here. I called and told Dylan and I swear I could feel him beaming with pride over the phone.
Well at least that’s something.
Just one more thing left to do.
I run to Hannah’s dorm, so excited about the decision I just made that I can’t contain the joy. I haven’t felt this good for so long.
I run up the stairs to her room, taking them two at a time, and I’m lucky I didn’t bust my face.
When I finally reach her door, I pound on it, “Hannah, are you home?”
Hannah opens the door, dressed casually in shorts and tank top, hair piled on top of her head, and I’m suddenly out of breath. Not from running up the stairs, I can do that in my sleep, but the sight of Hannah.
Every. Time.
“Hi.”
“Lucas, what are you doing here? Don’t you have practice today?”
“No, can I come in?”
She moves her body from blocking the doorway and gestures for me to come into her room, which I do, eagerly.
She closes the door and turns to me, “What’s going on?”
“I quit.”
She looks doubtful, “You quit? Really?”
“Really. I’m done with all of it, with school, with football, with everything.”
She’s radiating happiness for me as she springs over to me and draws me into a tight hug, “Oh Luke, I’m so happy for you!”
I don’t release her right away, “It feels really fucking good. Like I’m free.”
Her head rests on my shoulder, “That’s so great. It’s about time. So you are leaving then? For good.”
She lifts her head and looks into my eyes, both of us still holding on to each other, “Yeah, I leave tomorrow morning.”
Her face is showing a unique combo of grief, relief, and happiness that I actually know well, “That’s great.”
“I’m going to miss you Hannah.”
“I’m going to miss you, too. I can’t believe you are really leaving.”
“I have to.”
She nods, “I know.”
She pulls out of our hug and walks over to sit on her bed, lost in her thoughts.
I sit beside her on the bed, “Talk to me.”
“I just can’t believe it. It’s what I wanted for you, for sure, but it feels like I’ll never see you again.”
“You’re not getting rid of me that easily, I’ll be back to visit and maybe you can even come see me sometimes.”
Hannah looks out her window, avoiding my eyes, “I’m going to miss you. Probably more than I should.”
Ouch.
“Hannah look at me, please.” She reluctantly turns to face me, her eyes full of tears, “I know I’ve hurt you and messed everything up.”
“We both did, we are both so screwed up. I’m broken.”
I made her feel that way.
“You are not broken, Hannah. You are so fucking strong. You just have to find that again.”
I pull her to me, I hate that she feels broken and weak because of me. I wish I could show her how strong she is, but I don’t know how to.
Looking into her eyes, I’m at a loss for words and my brain finally loses out as I pull her into an intense kiss.
Thank God, she doesn’t shrink away from me, she leans into the kiss and I can feel her body already responding to mine.
We both drift down on her small bed as she tugs at the hem of my shirt, pulling it off and then pounces quickly on me.
Hannah has missed me too.
With her straddling me, her still fully clothed body in my reach, I move my hand up releasing the tie around her hair, letting it fall down her shoulders. She leans down to kiss me again when we are interrupted by a screeching, hyena-type voice, “Hannah!”
I feel Hannah’s entire body stiffen when we hear the voice at the door.
Hannah jumps up, “Rachel? What are you doing here?”
Oh I finally get to meet Rachel, and she’s staring at me like trash that needs to be taken out.
Chapter 43
Hannah
Oh no, this can’t be happening.
I really wish I wouldn’t have given in and let Rachel have a key.
She is just standing there glaring at us. Then she focuses solely on me, “Hannah, get this boy out of here.”
Luke is casually sitting on my bed. His shirt somewhere on my floor, he’s unmoving and giving Rachel a hardened look, “I’m hardly a boy, and I have a fucking name.”
I swear, Rachel actually gasps, “I don’t care what your name is. You need to go.”
He stays motionless and I look at him, pleading with him not to be so stubborn, “Luke, I think you should go.”
Now, his head swivels to me, he’s hurt, “You really want me to leave, just because she says so?”
“Please. I’ll call you later.”
He stands up and slips his shirt on over his head. “Alright.”
He leaves, angrily, and I turn to Rachel, “Why are you here?”
“To check up on you, why else would I be here? And it’s a good thing I did.”
“Nothing happened.”
“I’m not dense Hannah, you two were practically
naked, pawing at each other like a couple of animals in heat.”
Somehow in that moment, I find that strength Luke was talking about, “Stop, it’s really none of your business.”
“Hannah, of course it is my business.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m your friend.”
I shake my head, “No you aren’t. A friend doesn’t judge and control and that’s all you’ve done since we’ve known each other.”
She looks utterly flabbergasted, “Your father will hear about this.”
“That’s fine.” I walk over the door and open it, “Actually, that’s great. I don’t need any of this in my life. I’m a smart, strong, young woman, capable of making my own decisions. Now get out.”
She stands there in shock, “You don’t mean this. All because of that boy.”
At that moment, I turn to stone, deadly serious and calm, “Like he said, he’s not a boy and he has a name. Please make sure to mention that it was Lucas Monroe when you relay all this information to my father.”
She walks toward the door and stands there looking at me, “You are truly despicable.”
I hold out my key, standing strong, “Give me my key.”
She places it in my hand and I slam the door, effectively closing that chapter of my life.
My father will never forgive me.
I have to find a way to be okay with that, because I just can’t live my life like this anymore. This summer has been the most freeing summer of my life, spending it with Vanessa, a true friend, who never judges me and hearing Luke’s words. That was the final push toward making my own decisions in life.
And now Lucas is leaving.
We have so many things unfinished between us, we were heading toward something so incredibly amazing and then my secret destroyed it.
Destroyed us, like I knew it would.
I call him and ask him if he can meet me outside of the library. I don’t have to work today, but I feel like that is a safe place to talk.
He’s hesitant at first, but ultimately agrees. I walk there and wait nervously for him to arrive.
When I finally see him walking up to me on the abandoned sidewalk an odd calm washes gently over me.
“Thank you for meeting me here.”
“Where’s Rachel?”
I sit down on the bench nearest to me and Luke joins me there, “I imagine on her way back to Texas.”
“To tell your dad about us.”
It’s not a question, we both know that’s what she’ll do when she gets back there. He raises one eyebrow in confusion though, “You don’t seem scared.”
“I’m not, but that’s not really why I wanted to talk to you.”
“Okay, what did you want to talk to me about?”
“You’re leaving.”
“Please don’t tell me goodbye, Hannah.”
I take his hand in mine, “It is goodbye, for a little while anyway. And there are some things I need to say to you.”
He turns to me, holding an intense gaze, making it hard to breath at a normal rate, “You can tell me anything.”
“What we had was something special. I know we didn’t label it, and maybe we weren’t an official couple, but it was special to me.”
“It was special to me too. Our friendship means everything to me.”
“Well the relationship we had was important to me too. And I’m sure that you were afraid that I would never stand up to my father to be with you, and I was constantly worried about you getting bored with me and wanting to be with other women.”
He starts to say something, but I won’t let him. I have to get this out before I turn back into a coward, “But we could have worked through all of that. And I know that my secret was horrible and you were trying to protect us both from losing each other.”
A sigh escapes his mouth, “I am protecting us.”
I shake my head, “No, by trying to protect you and me from losing each other, you essentially pushed me away.”
A look of fear spreads across his face and I squeeze his hand, “I’m not saying I never want to see you again, Luke. I just need some space to get used to the change in our relationship. I’m so happy that you are finally following your dream, and it couldn’t have come at a better time.”
“What do you mean exactly?”
“I mean, I want to be just friends. I want to work through this and get over the bitterness and the pain. When I hear you say “just friends,” I don’t want to cringe anymore. I want to truly be just friends again, but I can’t do that without some space between us.”
“You just had six weeks of space.”
“Where we talked several times a week and video chatted. I need a break and we need to move on.”
“So how long are you pulling away from me this time, Hannah. How many years?” His voice is filled with pain.
“Not years. And not a set amount of time either. And if you ever need to talk, call me, and I’ll do the same. But just calling to hear each other’s voices and spending a lot of time alone together isn’t a good idea until we can handle it.”
Luke’s voice is barely a whisper, “I can’t lose you again.”
“You won’t, trust me. Go home, enjoy your life. Be my friend.”
He swallows the lump in his throat, “I’ll always be your friend.”
I hold back tears. This is what I have to do. I know that, but it’s killing me inside.
I have to find myself. We both do. We need to find out who we are as people, separately.
I just pray that this is the right thing to do and that we won’t lose each other forever this time.
Chapter 44
Luke
A little over three months later….
I put the finishing touches on the motorcycle I’ve been working on for the past month. It’s for some guy all the way in California who requested I personally work on it.
I hear Jax’s heavy boots as he walks into my part of the shop, letting out a long whistle as he inspects the bike, “Damn, Luke, you outdid yourself on this one.”
“Yeah, well it had a hell of a budget.”
“Nice, so is it finished?”
I stand up and admire my work. Damn I’m good.
“Yep.”
“Good, so you can leave this place now and stop acting like a fucking monk.”
I walk back over to my desk and sit down, “I’m not acting like a monk, I’ve been busy.”
He casually sits in the chair, seated in front of my desk, “Bullshit, you’ve been moping around here since you got back. This is not the Luke Monroe I know. You need to get laid.”
“I’ve tried.”
Dammit, why did I say that? No way he is letting that go.
Of course, he’s intrigued by this, his right eyebrow is lifted way up high, “Oh yeah, and you failed? What happened, Luke, you can tell me. The girl shot you down or was it an erectile dysfunction sort of thing?”
“I’ve never been turned down in my life.”
“So it’s a dick problem? You are way too fucking young for that shit.”
I’ve had plenty of opportunities to get laid since I’ve been back in town.
About two weeks after I got back, I went to a party with some old high school friends and one of my many ex-girlfriends was there, ready and willing. It would have been so fucking easy, but my cock wouldn’t cooperate with me.
The party was on the outskirts of town in the middle of nowhere and she pulled me away from the bonfire to her car. I wanted to, but then I just kept fucking seeing Hannah’s face and wound up telling her that I had to leave.
Then, a month ago, I went with an old buddy of mine to get a tattoo on my right bicep. It was about time I got some ink and the tattoo artist was a smoking hot chick with purple hair. She gave me her number, but I just never used it.
Something is going to have to change and soon. It’s been way too fucking long since I’ve had sex, that shit’s just not natural.
“No, my
dick is fine. Stop worrying about it.”
“Alright.” He seems to momentarily drop it, “So since you don’t have any plans, Brooke called and wanted to see if you would take Gabby trick-or-treatin’ tonight.”
“Shit, it’s Halloween?”
His head shakes in disappointment in me, “How the hell do you forget about Halloween?”
I have been throwing myself into work, trying to forget a certain tiny blonde, who needs some space, “I don’t know. Brooke doesn’t want to take Gabby?”
“She does, but I guess she isn’t feeling well, bad food or something. And Dylan is out of town. Remember that, at least?”
“Yes, I remember.” Dylan went to New York for a meeting and left yesterday. “And what about you?”
“I’m going to Power and Light to get shitfaced and find some hot women. Cass and Michael are going to school dances. So that just leaves you.”
“Alright, I’ll be there.”
He stands up from the chair, “Let Brooke know and then get your ass out of here.”
I nod my head in agreement to his commands, and he walks out.
I send Brooke a quick text to let her know I can take Gabby and then finish up a couple of things before driving to Brooke and Dylan’s house.
I don’t live here anymore. I actually bought my own condo a couple of miles from here soon after I got back into town. There was no way I could stand sharing a bathroom with Cassie any longer.
I walk up the sidewalk to the house and knock, since this isn’t technically my home anymore. Brooke answers the door.
She does look a little sickly, “Oh thank God you are here. Gabby is getting a little restless.”
Gabby comes to the door, dressed up as a princess, with both hands on her hips, tapping her little foot, “Luke, it’s about time you got here!”
I chuckle at that and Brooke laughs, “See what I mean. Thank you so much for doing this.”
“No problem, it’s not like I had plans.”
Brooke looks disheartened by that, “Well hopefully that changes soon.”
Not likely.
She hands me an orange bucket with a hand-painted black cat on it, “Okay, please stay close to her. There are a lot of creepers out tonight.”
I grin, “Don’t worry, I will. And I’ll have her back at a decent time.”