by Nicole Dykes
“Thank you, Luke.”
“No problem.”
When we get out to my car and she’s buckled safely in the backseat, I ask Gabby where she wants to go, “Definitely to Mission Hills.”
I grin at my little sister’s reflection in the rear view mirror. Mission Hills is a wealthy area near the Plaza downtown, “Because the kids at school said that’s where the best candy is?”
“Duh, they give out full-sized candy bars.”
I laugh and shake my head at her, “Sounds like a plan.”
Chapter 45
Hannah
“Vanessa, come on. We’re going to be late to class.”
Vanessa trudges up the hill behind me to the one class we have together this semester, Psychology 101. “Ugh, Hannah it’s just class, I don’t know why you are so excited.”
Because it’s the first step in changing my major to psychology, and I find it fascinating.
After Rachel caught Lucas and me in my room, she did go straight home and tell my father everything. He in turn called me and demanded that I come straight home or he and everyone else in my family would be finished with me.
I made the right choice.
I know that deep in my heart.
I love my family. But I had to choose to be me, the real me.
I stayed in the simple, single dorm room I was in all summer and it’s closer to the athletic dorm where Vanessa still resides.
I know, I know. What about Luke?
That was a really good decision for me too. My heart just could not take pretending to be his friend when I was always thinking, “Just kiss me already” in the back of my mind. It was so unhealthy.
I think I proved that the last time we were alone together, it didn’t take long for the clothes to fly and I know if Rachel hadn’t have interrupted us, we would have been right back to pretending that we were just friends.
I haven’t had very much contact with him, though of course I still think about him every single day.
He did send me a quick text letting me know he bought his own place and I congratulated him on that exciting news. We send texts back and forth occasionally to check up on one another, but I haven’t heard his actual voice since the day outside of the library.
It’s for the best.
I also received a picture a couple of days ago of his youngest sister Gabby, dressed as a pretty little princess, complete with a tiara for Halloween.
Of course my stupid, traitorous heart fluttered when I saw that Luke took Gabby out for Halloween. I mean, there is something very sexy about that to me. I wanted to ask why he took her and not Brooke, but like I said, I’m moving on.
I’m finding out who Hannah is.
So far, I know that I want to work as a counselor for teenagers and young adults. When I lost the baby, I was so alone and I made horrible choices., I would like to think that if I would have had someone there for me, maybe I wouldn’t have.
The clinic I went to for the miscarriage did try desperately to refer me to a counselor, but I was too afraid to go. My father always called therapy nonsense, and I let that stop me for some foolish reason.
I did start seeing a therapist on campus when I lost all contact with my family, and it’s really helping me work through my issues. Prayer is great and I still go to church when I can, but I think therapists are here for a good reason also.
Sometimes, you just need to talk it out.
I’m realizing that I need to make myself happy first before I can even hope to make anyone else happy.
Lucas was my first real crush. We were about ten when I first realized he was really cute, thirteen when he told me about his first kiss with Maggie Sims and I went home and cried my eyes out, and fifteen when I lost my virginity to him. But, it’s all too much like a fairy tale.
I think I’ve romanticized what we have together because it’s all I’ve ever known. Maybe none of it was real, and he’s just the cute boy that grew up down the street from me.
Sitting next to Vanessa in class, the professor starts her lecture and I chew on the tip of my pen.
Or…maybe the feelings were real. The kisses certainly were real, the way he held me and made me feel like the rest of the world was on pause and didn’t matter when we were together—that all felt very genuine.
How the hell can you tell what’s real and what’s fiction?
Chapter 46
Luke
“Luke, will you pass the mashed potatoes?”
I hand the large ceramic bowl filled with Brooke’s mashed potatoes over to Michael, who eagerly takes it.
Family dinner night—every single Sunday night—I’m here with my family, Jax and Alex. And I’m happy to be here instead of back in Manhattan playing football. I know, without out a doubt, I made the right decision, but there is just one loose end there.
You would think it would be easy for me to pick up and move on. There are plenty of other fish in the sea and so on, but it hasn’t gotten any easier. I am constantly thinking about Hannah, wondering what she is doing, who she is with.
Please don’t let her be with anyone.
I’ve texted with her a couple of times, but nothing substantial. I have no clue what her life is like now and it’s driving me fucking crazy.
Ask anyone, I’m a miserable prick most days. All because of one girl.
What the fuck is wrong with me. I’m Lucas Monroe and I’m sitting around pining for a girl that was never even mine.
Because I was too much of a coward to make her mine.
Jax’s hand grasps my shoulder and jolts me out of my thoughts of Hannah, “You okay, man?”
I just nod, curtly, not wanting the attention drawn to me, “I’m fine.”
Please someone else talk so the discussion doesn’t go to me.
“There is a new guy at school that thinks he’s the spelling champ, but I’m going to win the spelling bee this year, there is no doubt.”
Perfect. Thank you Michael.
Gabby perks up at that, “Maybe he’s a better speller.”
“Nope, that’s impossible. Brooke and I study all year long.”
Brooke beams at that, “That’s right, no one beats the Monroes.”
She fits right in with all of us cocky assholes, the perfect addition to our family.
Of course, Hannah seemed to fit in too.
When dinner is over I help clear the table, fed-up with my mind wandering to Hannah. Michael and Gabby are supposed to do the dishes, but I send them away and just do them myself.
I just want to be alone and most of the family takes the hint, except for Cassie, she just loves to bust my balls.
“So what’s up your ass? You’re even grumpier than normal.”
“Go away, Cass.”
She just stands there, waiting for a reply.
Please, just leave me alone.
“You know, if you miss her that badly you should just go and see her. It’s not like she’s dead, Luke.”
I scrub the large pan that has grease sticking to the sides, “Drop it.”
She holds up her hands, in mock horror, “Oh, so shocking, Luke Monroe doesn’t want to talk about it and is about to blow. Please, I’ve seen your fits over the years and they don’t scare me.”
I radiate anger toward her and she does back down a little. We both know I would never hurt her, but she’s really pushing my buttons right now, “Cassie, get out of here.”
“All I’m saying is Hannah and you actually seemed perfect together. I can’t believe there is anyone out there that would put up with you, but she would if you would just let her. But like a dumbass you pushed her away.”
“I didn’t push her away. She is the one that needed space.”
“And why did she need that space, stupid?”
Because I pushed her away by trying to protect her. Fuck. Me.
It doesn’t matter though, the damage is done, right? I’ve made a mess out of everything.
What am I supposed to do? I told he
r I still wanted to be friends and I meant that. A real relationship would never fucking work. We are both way too stubborn and if we broke up, I would lose her forever.
Of course, it feels like I have already lost her.
After a full night of tossing and turning, I do something really stupid. I get in my car and drive to Manhattan. Still not sure what the hell I’m going to do when I get there, but I just drive, trying to shut my mind off, turning around a couple of times and ultimately, I drive into Manhattan around eleven o’clock in the morning.
I feel like a psycho, but I can’t worry about that right now. I don’t even know where Hannah is living this semester, so I just head to the campus library. If she’s not working, maybe someone can tell me where she is.
I walk up the stairs of Hale Library, my fucking heart is going to explode. I’m almost a hundred percent positive that’s going to happen.
Okay, man up. Jesus Christ, you played in state championships, you survived the death of your parents, you are a fucking Monroe. Pull it together.
She’s just a girl. She’s your friend, Hannah.
And then I see that friend, that girl. That girl that fucking scrambles my brains and apparently shrinks my balls and makes me a total pussy.
I don’t think she’s working, she’s sitting at one of the tables for students out in the middle of the library with books and notes in front of her.
I take a huge breath and start to walk over to her.
Be casual, dumbass.
And then I see the whole picture. Nick, my good friend, is walking over to the table to join Hannah and she looks happy to see him.
I’m too fucking late.
Chapter 47
Hannah
Nick joins me at the large table at the library. This has been the meeting place for us every day for the past five days.
Luke isn’t here anymore, but I was lucky enough to keep the friends I made through him. I see Hunter and Cameron a lot since Vanessa and Cameron are still going strong, and I ran into Nick on campus a couple of weeks ago and we ended up getting coffee together and talking.
Nick opens his notes for Chemistry and then has a peculiar look on his face, “Is that Luke?”
Luke? My Luke?
I turn and see the backside of a body I know all too well walking quickly out of the library.
Without thinking I stand up for the table, “I’ll be right back.”
I walk down the stairs, in a daze, my mind whirling. Why would Luke be here just out of the blue?
I pick up my pace and brush through the crowd of students, looking for Luke.
It probably wasn’t even him, and here I am searching the campus desperately.
And then I see him. He’s on a clear path, walking toward the parking lot. So like a desperate nitwit, I jog and call his name, “Luke, wait.”
His body, stops and turns to me. Well, he sure doesn’t look happy to see me.
Oh God, he’s probably not even here to see me.
What the hell are you doing? Run. Retreat. Go back to the library.
“What?”
What? After over three months, he shows up here and all I get is what? He is so infuriating!
“What are you doing here?”
“Nothing.”
See? Infuriating! “Nothing? You just decided to drive to Manhattan today to come to the library?”
I cross my arms so I can keep from smacking him, and he still hasn’t wiped that scowl off of his ridiculously handsome face. “Just go back to the library Hannah, you’re clearly very busy with Nick.”
He’s jealous. “We are studying.”
“Yeah, we were study buddies once too.”
“I haven’t seen you in months…”
“Because you needed fucking space, apparently to get closer to Nick, which is great. I’m glad you are doing okay, Hannah. I have to go, I’m busy too.”
He turns to leave and I reach up, placing my hand on his shoulder. He turns around slowly, a lost look has taken over, “Listen, you ass, Nick and I are just studying. Not that I owe you any explanation at all, but I ran into him a couple of weeks ago and it turns out we are both taking Chemistry this semester. Different times, but the same professor, so we have been studying.”
“Really?”
“Really. Now what are you doing here?”
He doesn’t give me an answer, “You have time to go somewhere and talk?”
No. I’m up to my ears in homework and tests, but it’s Luke. For some crazy reason, I don’t think I will ever be able to explain, I always find time for him. “Yes.”
I text Nick, and apologize for running out on him like that, and assure him I will be back very soon, and walk with Luke to a quiet sitting area in the middle of campus. It’s a bit chilly, but I have a warm jacket on and he has on a long sleeve tee that, of course, hugs him in all of the right places.
He definitely hasn’t let himself go since quitting football.
“What do you want to talk to me about?”
He looks almost nervous, which is totally insane to think about Luke. He’s never nervous. Finally, his mouth opens, but then it’s like he changes his mind. What is going on with him?
“Luke?”
“How are you?”
Really? Come on. He just wants to catch up?
What did you think was going to happen Hannah, he was going to confess his love for you after all of this time? “I’m fine, very busy with school and work, but I’m fine. Is that really what you wanted to talk about?”
“I miss you.”
He closes his eyes briefly like he can’t believe he said that out loud, and I can’t help the smile on my face.
He misses me.
“I miss you, too.”
He sits up, rubbing the back of his neck, the frustration he is feeling is palpable, “I just want to make sure you’re okay. I know you need your space, but I just still need to know that you aren’t hurting and you’re doing well.”
So much has happened in the past months. So much that he doesn’t know, my best friend in the world has no clue about all of the things going on. Maybe these months of space have been enough. Maybe we can try to talk more now.
“I’m doing really well. Changing my major.”
“Oh yeah, to what?”
“Psychology.”
He looks pleasantly surprised. “Really, what did dear old dad have to say about that?”
“Nothing, he doesn’t know. I actually don’t talk to my family anymore.”
His head swivels to look over at me and he straightens his body, “Because of me?”
“No, because of me. I couldn’t keep living the way my father wanted me too. I wasn’t living, I was just a pathetic, sad version of myself.”
“So no more Rachel?”
I laugh, “No, no more Rachel. I live by myself now, in the same dorm I was in this summer.”
“Damn, Hannah, that’s fucking awesome.”
After that, we talk for over an hour, catching each other up on what life has been for both of us since we saw each other last.
I walk Luke down to his car, he has to get back to the shop. When we reach his car, he leans against his, “So what are you doing for Thanksgiving?”
“Nothing, Vanessa tried to get me to go back to Chicago with her, but I think I’m just going to stay here.”
“Why don’t you come to Brooke and Dylan’s? They will all be glad to see you and it’ll be a show for sure. Always is.”
Thanksgiving with the Monroes. “I don’t know Luke.”
“Will you think about it?”
I nod my head, “Yes, I’ll think about it.”
“I really hope you’ll come, Hannah.”
And there it is. I know I’ll be joining the Monroes for Thanksgiving this year.
Chapter 48
Luke
What the hell was I thinking, inviting Hannah to Thanksgiving?
That’s a fucking genius idea.
I wanted to tell
her so many things, but I froze.
A real shocker, I know.
That seems to be what I do best when it comes to Hannah. Just keep pushing those feelings deep, deep down.
I have never felt more relieved in my life when she told me that she was just studying with Nick and that there was nothing going on between them. But how long can that really last.
A normal guy, who isn’t terrified of commitment and love and all of that shit, would have just told her right then and there that he wanted her.
Me? I just decide that I love torture and invite her as a fucking friend to Thanksgiving with my meddlesome family.
She sent me a text message yesterday to confirm that she will be here today for dinner. So, I put on cologne, pull my jacket on over my shoulders, grab my keys, and I’m on my way to the Monroe Thanksgiving.
When I get there, Michael answers the door, he lets me in then hollers back toward the kitchen, “It’s just Luke!”
I slip my jacket off and hang it up on the coat rack in the hallway, “Good to see you too, little brother.”
He rolls his eyes, “Sorry, Megan is coming for dinner.”
I can’t help but to be proud of my nerdy younger brother. He is pretty smitten with his newest girlfriend, Megan, “Ah nice, bringing her to meet the family. That’s a big step.”
“She’s already met, Brooke, Dylan, Gabby and Cassie.”
“Yeah well, good luck today.”
We join Shriller, Jax, and Trevor, Alex’s older brother, in the living room. After greeting all of them I ask, “Where’s everyone else?”
Jax answers my question, “Brooke and Dylan are cooking, Alex is “helping,” Cass is on the phone somewhere, and Gabby is out in the backyard.”
“Nice, so almost everyone is here?”
He nods his head as he keeps one eye on the football game on the television, “Yep, just you and Michael’s girls left.”
I can see where this is going and I escape quickly, “I’m going outside with Gabby.”
“You don’t want to watch the game and wait for Hannah?”
I flip him off behind my back, as I walk out to the backyard and I can hear him chuckling behind me.