by J. L. Perry
I grab the candle I used when we had a blackout a few months ago, from the cupboard under the sink, and place it in the centre of the table. I’m not the candlelit dinner kinda guy, but I will be for Hanna. I’ll be anything she wants me to be, as long as she’s happy. That is what’s important to me . . . her happiness. Because fuck me if she doesn’t make me feel the exact same way. Even with the clusterfuck I now find myself in with Ethan, I can still find contentment when I’m wrapped in her arms.
I should’ve bought some wine yesterday when I was at the store. I don’t keep any here because I’m not a wine drinker, but I know Hanna loves it. I’ve witnessed her and Michelle polish off numerous bottles when we get together for family dinners. That thought gives me a pang in my heart. I used to love our regular family dinners. There’ll be no more of them. As far as Ethan’s concerned, I’m no longer part of his family.
Looking down at my watch, I contemplate whether I have time to duck out and grab a bottle of red. From memory, I know that’s what she drinks. There’s a liquor store just down the street. If I hurry, I can be back before she’s even out of the shower.
I quickly stir the sauce, and turn the pasta down before I grab my keys and head for the door. If nothing else, the wine may relax her a little and help her sleep tonight.
Five minutes later I exit the elevator, with a bottle of Petit Verdot under my arm. I asked the sales assistant for a nice red to go with our creamy pasta dish, and that’s what she suggested. I have no fucking clue about this shit. Give me a beer or scotch any day.
The uneasiness I was feeling earlier has vanished. Well, for the time being anyway. I made a conscious decision on my walk back to the apartment to put all that behind me and just enjoy the night with my girl. Life is way too short to worry about things you can’t change. I’ve always been a firm believer in what’s meant to be, will be. If Ethan and I are meant to work this out, then we will. It doesn’t stop me from hoping that will be the case. I’m not letting go of Hanna, so it’s going to make life difficult otherwise.
I’m smiling to myself as I unlock the front door, that smile immediately drops from my face when I notice Hanna’s suitcase sitting by the door. What the ever-loving-fuck?
My eyes seek her out the moment I step into the apartment. I freeze when I find her sitting on the lounge. I can see her red puffy eyes from here, so I know she’s been crying.
“Hanna,” I breathe out as I place my keys and the bottle of wine on the entry table. Dread fills me as I stalk towards her. She doesn’t say a word as she rises from the sofa, but the expression on her face says so much. “What’s going on?” Whatever it is, I know it’s not good. My eyes search her face as I desperately try to the find the answers she won’t voice.
“Harrison,” she whispers as her gaze moves to the floor. It’s killing me to see her hurting like this.
Stepping forward I reach for her, but she immediately retreats a few steps backwards. My shoulders slump as I stand there watching her. My head is all over the place as I try and make sense of what’s going on. When I left here a few minutes ago, everything was fine . . . we were fine. Well, I thought we were.
“Talk to me.”
“I’m sorry, Harrison.”
“Sorry? Sorry for what?” What the fuck does that even mean?
“I . . . I umm . . . I can’t do this anymore.”
“What? Do what?” The desperation in my voice is evident as I speak. Is she telling me we are over?
“This,” she says as her hand gestures back and forth between us. My heart sinks. I can’t believe she’s saying this to me. I see a stray tear leak from her eye when her gaze finally meets mine again. “I thought this is what I wanted, but it’s not.”
“You’re breaking up with me?”
“Yes.” Her answer comes out in a strangled sob, but I just stand there in silence. I’m dumbfounded. I’m not sure what to do or say. A few seconds’ pass, but it feels like an eternity passes before I can finally speak.
“But you said you loved me.”
Her hand reaches out to grab hold of mine. “I do love you, Harrison, but not in the way I thought I did.”
“What does that even mean?” I ask, confused. None of this is making sense.
She lets go of my hand as her gaze moves back down to the floor. “I thought I was in love with you . . . but I realise now it was more lust,” she whispers. Her words are like a knife being plunged into my chest.
“Hanna,” I plead.
“Goodbye, Harrison,” is all she says as she walks around me, heading towards the door.
I want to reach for her and beg her not to do this, but for some reason I don’t. I guess in my heart I was expecting this to happen. It was only a matter of time before she left.
Slowly turning, a crushing pain settles in my chest as I watch her pick up her suitcase.
Pausing briefly, she glances at me over her shoulder. “I’ll never forget the time we spent together, Harry.” With that, she continues towards the door before hastily opening it.
A lump rises to my throat as she walks out the door, and out of my life. “Please don’t go,” I whisper in a voice that’s so soft it’s barely audible, and I know she doesn’t hear my plea.
Everything in me wants to run after her, to tell her I love her, and beg her not to leave me. I hate myself for never telling her how I truly feel. I want her to know how much she means to me . . . how much she’ll always mean to me, but I guess it’s too late for that now. I’ll only end up sounding pathetic and needy, even though that’s exactly how I’m feeling. Her mind is made up, and I just need to accept that.
I clasp my head in my hands. I can’t seem to wrap my head around anything she just said. It’s come out of nowhere. Apart from the trouble with Ethan, things between us have been great. Have I been reading this all wrong? I was certain she was feeling everything I was. I would’ve put money on it. She told me she loved me for fuck’s sake.
Yet, here I stand again, all alone. Only this time it’s worse, much worse. This time I’ve not only lost my best friend, I’ve lost the love of my life, and everything I hold dear. I was right all along—I am unlovable.
Why is it so hard for people to love me?
I dig through my handbag looking for my phone. A smile forms on my face the moment I see Hanna’s number on the screen. I’m so happy she finally got her man. She’s been lusting over Harrison, for as long as I can remember. Despite the way my husband is carrying on, these two are perfect for each other. Once Ethan gets past the hurt, he’ll see that too. Harrison’s a good guy, and in my heart I know he’ll look after her.
“Hey pretty girl,” I say, when I answer. I love Hanna so much. She’s like the little sister I always wanted. Growing up, I was an only child and that can get lonely. So, when I married the man of my dreams, I got an extra bonus—her.
“M . . . M . . . Michelle,” she cries into the receiver, and my heart drops into the pit of my stomach. Ethan is supposed to be at the gym. God help him if he’s lied and gone over to Harrison’s apartment to cause more drama. I’ll friggin’ kill him if he has. I’ve warned him to stay the hell away from them.
Part of me understands why my husband is so upset. Not only does he feel betrayed by his best friend, because Harrison doesn’t exactly have the best reputation when it comes to women, but Ethan’s worried his little sister is going to get her heart broken. What he fails to realise is that things are different this time around. Harrison told me he was in love with her. Those are three words I never thought I’d hear coming from his mouth. I’d like to think I know Harrison just as well as I know my own husband, and his confession speaks volumes.
“Sweetie, what’s wrong?”
“Is my brother home?” she sniffles.
“No, he’s at the gym. Well, he’s supposed to be. Why?”
“I’m parked outside. Can I come in?”
“Of course, this is your home, sweetie. You don’t need to ask permission.”
“I don’t want to see, Ethan,” she says. That statement makes me so sad. These two have always been close. I’ve always been so envious of their relationship, so it pains me to see them like this. Although Ethan is the one who has caused this whole drama, he’s really hurting from losing his little sister, as well as his best friend. He’s always been so carefree and happy-go-lucky, but lately he’s been a shell of his former self. It’s hard to watch.
“He won’t be home for at least another hour.”
I’m walking towards the front door as I end the call. My heart is beating out of my chest. Something is wrong and I need to find out what.
The look on her face as she exits the car and walks towards me breaks my heart. Without saying a word she collapses into my arms and starts to sob. Like really sob. In the fifteen years I’ve known her, I’ve never seen her this upset. Never. Not even the night Ethan punched Harrison. Could I have gotten this all wrong? As much as I love Harrison, he’ll be feeling my wrath if he’s hurt her.
“What’s going on?” I ask as I hold her tightly in my arms. I pray that my husband doesn’t decide to come home early. He’ll lose his shit if he sees her this upset.
She doesn’t answer me for the longest time. She just cries . . . and cries. Seeing her this upset brings tears to my own eyes. My mind is swimming with so many different scenarios that my head hurts. Finally, she pulls herself together enough to speak.
“I . . . I . . . I broke up with Harrison.”
Drawing back, I make eye contact with her. The complete devastation I see on her face tears me up inside. “You what?”
“I broke up with Harrison,” she repeats, wiping her tear stained face with the back of her hand.
“Why would you do that?”
She shrugs her shoulders as her gaze moves down to the ground. “Things weren’t working out.” I don’t believe that for a second. I work with them, and have seen the way they look at each other. Neither of them have ever looked so happy as they have since getting together. There has to be more to this.
“Bullshit, Hanna. What is really going on?”
When she covers her face with her hands and starts to sob again, I know I’m right. Draping my arm around her shoulder, I lead her inside. I intend to get to the bottom of this.
“Are you sure you’re okay to drive all the way back to your apartment tonight?” I ask her. “I’d feel a lot better if you’d stay here for the night. You can get an early start in the morning.”
“I can’t stay here.” When I see tears rise to her eyes again, I pull her into my arms. “I don’t want to be here when Ethan gets home.”
After everything she just told me, I can understand why she’d feel like that. My husband is not going to know what hit him when he gets home from the gym. This whole sordid mess falls squarely on his shoulders.
It wasn’t easy, but after a lot of prodding I finally got the truth out of Hanna. I’m not stupid. I know she wouldn’t walk away from Harrison without good reason. She’s doing this to try and mend the rift between the boys, which is crazy. Harrison is the love of her life, so to throw that all away to give him back his best friend is not only ludicrous, but completely selfless. It just proves how much she loves him.
No matter how hard I tried, there was no changing her mind. She was adamant she was doing what was best. I don’t agree. I won’t rest until I make this right. She belongs with Harrison and my husband needs to accept that.
“Call me as soon as you get there. Okay?”
“I will,” she says, giving me a sad smile. It hurts me to see her so broken. I can only imagine how Harrison would be feeling right now. This would’ve rocked him to the core.
“I love you.” I give her one last squeeze before she climbs into the car. “Everything will work out in the end.”
I’ll make damn well sure of it. I flat out refuse to let this be the end of them.
“I love you too, Shell,” she replies in the saddest voice I’ve ever heard her use.
I’m still standing in the driveway minutes after she’s driven away. My mind is in overdrive. After I rip my husband a new one, I need to go and see Harrison.
If Hanna won’t fight for them, I’m gonna make damn sure Harrison will.
The second Ethan walks through the door I pounce. I’ve been taking it easy on him the past few days because I’m worried about him. He’s so down. He’s upset that Hanna isn’t talking to him, and he misses Harrison. He’d never admit it, but he does. Those two have always been tight. They’re more like brothers than best friends.
“Hey, babe,” he says, when he casually strolls through the front door and finds me waiting for him.
I place my hands on my hips. “Don’t you babe me.”
“Fuck,” he mumbles under his breath. He’s knows my, I’m not happy with you, look well. And let me tell you, my bitch face is prominent right now. He sighs before continuing. “What have I done now?”
We hardly ever fight. Our relationship has always been rock solid, but I’m not one to bottle stuff up. If I’m upset, or I think he’s done wrong, you can be sure as shit I’m gonna voice my opinion.
“What have you done?” I snap, placing my hands on his chest and pushing him. “You’ve ruined the best thing that has ever happened to your sister, that’s what.”
“Huh.” I see a smug smile play on his lips and it only serves to anger me further. “I told you. I knew it wouldn’t take him long.”
“You’re fucking shitting me, right? Harrison didn’t end it, Hanna did.”
“What? But she told me she was in love with him. Why would she . . .” His eyes widen at the same time his words drift off. “She ended it because of me?”
“Bingo!” He frowns when I poke him in the chest. “She sacrificed her relationship with him to try and salvage your friendship.”
He raises his hand and runs it through his thick, sandy blond hair. I curse myself for being distracted by the muscles that flex in his strong arm when he does that. There’s no time for ogling. I’m too angry with him to ogle. We have a more pressing situation to deal with—like how to rectify this travesty my husband created.
I pace back and forth in Harrison’s office as I wait for him to arrive at work. He usually gets here before me, but I did arrive extra early this morning. I couldn’t sleep last night and I wanted to talk with him before the rest of the staff arrives. I tried calling him a billion times last night, but all I got was his voicemail. He never replied to any of my texts either. That’s when I decided to go to his apartment. Ethan refused to come with me, because he’s still being a stubborn arse. I knocked and pleaded for Harrison to open the door for over half an hour, until I finally got discouraged and headed back home.
The moment I walked through the front door I was ready to go another round with Ethan, but when I found him on the back patio with his face buried in his hands, I thought better of it. I know he’s suffering, but his lack of desire to fix this pisses me off to no end. He won’t find solace until he makes peace with his best friend, and his sister. They both mean way too much to him.
Nine fifteen rolls around and I’m almost beside myself with worry. Harrison has never missed a day’s work. Never. I call his phone for the umpteenth time, but he still refuses to pick up. That’s when I decide to call my husband.
This bullshit ends today.
There’s a knock on my front door, but I choose to ignore it and slump further back into the sofa. I have no desire to see or speak to anyone. I’m not sure what time it is, and frankly I’m not interested in knowing either. I’ve had no sleep, but the sunshine streaming through the windows tells me it’s daytime. Not that I care. I should be at work, but for the first time in my life I don’t give a flying fuck about that. Now that Hanna’s gone my world seems to have lost its purpose.
Raising the glass of scotch off my leg, I bring it to my mouth and down the amber liquid in one gulp. I’m not sure how many of these I’ve had today, but in my opinion it’s not enough. I can sti
ll feel. I need to be numb. You think I’d be used to rejection by now, but obviously I’m not. The worst part is, this one stings more than any of the others. More than my parents, and way more than Ethan’s. She was the one. The only girl to ever make me believe a happily ever after was possible. Love made me delusional. That shit ain’t even real. Well, not in my fucked-up world it ain’t. Real life’s a bitch, not a goddamn fairy-tale. The kicker, I gave up the best friend I’ve ever had for what? A fleeting good time and a shattered heart. Maybe Hanna was my karma for the string of broken hearts I’ve left behind.
The persisting knocking continues and I want to tell whoever it is to fuck off. But I know it will soon stop if I ignore it long enough. Just like it did last night when Michelle came over.
Leaning forward, I reach for the half empty bottle of booze on the coffee table. Nothing like a bit of hard liquor for breakfast. I guess I’m more like my father than I ever wanted to be. I wonder if he drinks to try and mask some kind of pain, or just because he loves the high. It’s something I’ve never thought of until now.
I go to refill my glass, but pause mid-air when my front door flies open. “I knew you were here,” Ethan snaps as his steely gaze meets mine. “Were you gonna just let me knock all fucking day?”
“What the fuck do you want?” I sneer as I go back to filling my glass. “Did you come back to finish the job?”
He throws his hands up in the air like he’s surprised by my outburst, as he stalks towards me. “You don’t have to act like a cock.”
“Last time I checked, I wasn’t the one acting like a cock.”
“Fair call,” he replies, plonking himself down on the sofa beside me and snatching the bottle of scotch out of my hand.
“Give that back.”
“It’s 10am, dude.”