by J. L. Perry
“Tell someone who cares,” I say, reaching for my twenty-five-year-old bottle of scotch.
He holds his arm in the air so the bottle’s out of my reach. Prick. I could wrestle him for it, but in all honesty, I can’t be bothered. The alcohol isn’t helping anyway. I doubt anything could help extinguish the pain I’m feeling. Well, Hanna could if she’d come back to me, but I already know that’s not gonna happen.
Slumping back into the sofa, I exhale a large breath as I run my fingers through my hair. “How did you get in here anyway?”
A smug smile tugs at his lips as he shakes the keys dangling from his finger. “You gave me the keys to your place remember?”
Fuck. That’s right, I did. I gave him the keys when I first moved in here so he could check on my place when I was out of town.
“Yeah, well that was when we were friends, which we no longer are, so you can give them back.”
“What the fuck, man?” His brow furrows like he’s hurt by what I just said. Is he for real?
“You punched me in the face and told me to stay the fuck away from your sister, remember?”
“Well, I was an idiot.”
“No shit.” I exhale a large breath as my eyes lock with my ex-best friend. “I fucking loved her . . . I still do,” I whisper. I feel like a fool. I was stupid enough to believe what we had was special. I should’ve known better. That shit doesn’t even exist.
“You love her?” he asks as his eyes slightly widen. He knows me well enough to know I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true.
“Yes,” I admit, shaking my head. They’re three words I never thought I’d ever say to him. Who am I kidding, they are words I never thought I’d say, period. Yet, here I sit, kicking myself and wishing the one person I’d said those words to were Hanna.
Why didn’t I tell her? Even though things didn’t end well for us, I think I’ll always regret not telling her how I felt.
Ethan is quiet for a brief time before turning his head to make eye contact with me. “If you love her, why the fuck did you let her go?”
“Because that’s what she wanted.” I hang my head as that heavy feeling in my chest returns. “She doesn’t feel the same way about me.”
“Bullshit,” he says.
I frown as my gaze moves back to him. What would he know? She told me exactly that. “Remind me again why you’re here?” Don’t get me wrong, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t pleased to see him, but I just don’t understand why. I thought our friendship was over.
“Because . . .” he sighs before continuing, “I fucked up. I . . . umm, I was hurt and felt betrayed. You were like my brother man.”
“I didn’t plan this, Ethan . . . it just happened. That’s why I didn’t tell you. I knew you wouldn’t be happy, but I was already in too deep to put a stop to it.”
“You can’t blame me for being concerned about my little sister’s welfare. It’s not like you have a good track record with women.”
“I know. But things with Hanna are just . . . different.” I don’t feel comfortable talking to him about his sister like this. He’s gonna think I’m a pussy for saying this, but it needs to be said. “She’s the one, man. She’s my . . . Michelle.”
I bow my head and wait for him to laugh, but he doesn’t. I turn my head, slightly returning my gaze to him. I’m surprised to see he’s not smiling, or looking at me like I’m some kind of freak. When he nods his head instead of replying, I know he gets me. He fell hard and fast when he met Michelle. For years I didn’t get it, but now I do. When that special someone comes along you just know. Hanna Scott knocked me on my arse, and now I’m not sure how I’m gonna get by without her. I need her in my life.
“Well, what are you going to do about it?” he asks matter-of-factly. “The Harrison Williams I know is no pussy. He knows what he wants and he goes out and gets it.”
He’s right, I do, but his statement confuses me. He was dead against this. Is he trying to tell me he’s okay with it now? Fat lot of good that’s gonna do me now. I want her more than I’ve wanted anything in my life, but the fact is, she doesn’t want me.
“I thought you hated the idea of us being together.”
He exhales a large breath before standing and walking towards my bar. I watch as he grabs a glass from the shelved cabinet on the wall before making his way back to the sofa. He picks up the bottle of scotch and pours himself a drink as I patiently await his reply. He takes a large gulp before finally speaking. “Now that I know how you feel about her . . .” His words drift off as his eyes lock with mine. “Honestly, I couldn’t ask for a better man for my sister. I know you’ll look after her, you always have.”
His answer not only surprises me, but makes me deliriously fucking happy. The downside—she doesn’t want me anymore. I’ve never felt rejection like this from a female before. It hurts, it fucking hurts bad. Maybe this is my karma for the string of hearts I’ve broken over the years.
“Thanks man,” I say. “That means a lot.”
“Good. Now we’ve got that settled, get up and go shower, because you look like shit.”
“Fuck you,” I chuckle.
“I’m serious man. Stop sitting around sulking like a fucking baby and go get her back.”
“I wish it was that easy.”
“It is,” he says, reaching for my arm and yanking it. “She’s just as miserable as you are.”
“She said that?” Hope surges in my gut.
“Well, not to me. She’s not talking to me. She won’t answer any of my calls or texts. But she has spoken to Michelle.”
I rub my hands nervously down the front of my pants. Everything in me wants to go after her. I’ve been kicking myself ever since I let her walk away without a fight. That’s not me. That’s not who I am. I’ve had to fight for everything in my life, and truth be told, I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want Hanna. I can’t believe I just let her go like that.
Placing my hands on the sofa, I push myself up to stand. I see a smile tug at Ethan’s lips as my steely determination kicks in. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by going to her. If she turns me away again, it can’t damage my heart any further. It’s already shattered.
Who am I kidding? This time I won’t give up so easily. I’m lost without her.
I refuse to let this be the end of us.
I’m struggling. A week has passed since I walked away from the only man I’ve ever truly loved . . . from my heart. I’m not gonna lie, there are times I’ve struggled just to breathe without him. It’s crazy how hard and fast I fell. I guess when the right man comes along, your heart just knows. But I’m prepared to sacrifice everything we had to give him what he needs most . . . My brother in his life. That’s what true love is, right? Sacrificing everything you want to make the other half of your soul happy?
Whoever made that damn rule sucks arse.
“Earth to Hanna,” Brandon says, lightly nudging me with his elbow.
“I’m sorry,” I reply with a sigh. “What were you saying?”
“Are you okay? You’ve been spacing out on me ever since I got here.”
“I’m fine,” I lie, forcing out a smile. Brandon and I have been friends ever since I started uni, but we’re not close enough that I’d tell him what’s really going on. He’s only here tonight because we were paired up to do an assignment together before we broke up for the holidays. To be honest, it’s the last thing I want to do right now, but I’ve sacrificed enough. I’m not going to give up my aspirations for a future in business management, since that’s all I really have left to look forward to now. Even that dream seems to have lost its sparkle.
“If you say so.” I can tell by the tone of his voice he doesn’t believe me. “Listen,” he says, closing the laptop that’s perched on his lap. “Why don’t we give this a miss for tonight, and go grab a bite to eat and a few drinks.” He leans his body towards mine and nudges me with his shoulder. “You look like you could use some.”
A
s appealing as that sounds, I’m not really up to going out. Since classes haven’t started back up yet, I’ve been cooped up in this room all week. I’m so emotional right now, alcohol will only make me cry. I know it. I’ve done enough of that in the past few days to last me a lifetime. I can’t even tell you how many boxes of tissues, or tubs of strawberry ice-cream, I’ve gone through since I returned home.
“Thanks, but not tonight.”
“Talk to me,” Brandon says as he places a finger under my chin to turn my face towards his. I can see the concern etched in his exquisite blue eyes. He really is handsome, but he doesn’t hold a candle to Harry. No one does. He’s every girl’s fantasy. Well, he’s definitely mine . . . he always has been. “I know somethings up. I’ve never seen you so down before. You’re always so . . . happy. It’s actually quite sickening how cheerful you usually are, even first thing in the morning.” A half-hearted smile tugs at my lips when he says that. I’m afraid that part of me will be lost forever now that Harrison is gone from my life. “So, this upside-down smile that you’ve been wearing since I arrived,” he says as he tenderly brushes the pad of his thumb across my lip, “concerns me.”
I shrug my shoulders as my gaze moves down to the floor. “I just have some stuff going on back home.”
“Anything I can help with?”
“No, but I appreciate your concern.”
I find it sweet of him to ask me that. He opens his mouth to speak, but pauses when we’re interrupted by a loud knock on the door. “Are you expecting someone?”
“No,” I reply as I stand. I’m curious to know who it is.
I nervously smooth my palms down the front of my denim skirt as I walk towards the door. My stomach churns and I can’t even tell you why. I guess in my heart I’m hoping to find Harrison standing on the other side of the door, but the logical side of me knows I won’t.
To my disappointment, he didn’t even put up a fight when I left. Yes, I could clearly see the hurt and confusion on his face, but the hopeless romantic inside me wished he would’ve got down on his knees and begged me not to go. I’m pretty sure I would’ve caved if he did. I was already hanging by a thread as it was. Lying to him and telling him I wasn’t in love with him anymore was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.
My hands are slightly trembling as I reach for the doorhandle. I can’t stop the gasp that falls from my mouth when I see who’s standing on the other side. I can’t believe he’s really here.
He looks tired and just as broken as I feel. “Hey,” he says as an unsure smile tugs at his lips. As confident as he seems, he’s always had that vulnerable side, it’s endearing.
“Harrison,” I whisper as hope surges in my heart. Did he come all this way for me?
“Can I come in?”
I’m just about to say sure, when I remember Brandon. If my past is anything to go by, he won’t be happy to know I have another guy in my apartment. He scared off the majority of my potential suitors when I was growing up. As much as it pissed me off, I used to pretend in my mind that he was doing it because he was jealous, not because my brother had asked him to.
Before I get a chance to reply he virtually pushes past me, entering my apartment. I should be annoyed by that, but I’m not. I’m just happy that he’s here. I love his dominant side, I always have.
The moment he spots Brandon sitting on my sofa, he freezes. His head snaps to the side and his steely glare meets mine. He doesn’t say a word, but his expression says everything. He probably thinks I’ve replaced him already. I’d never do that. I couldn’t. If I can’t have him, I don’t want anybody.
Brandon rises from the sofa, approaching us. “Brandon,” he says, extending his arm to Harrison. I’m taken aback when Harrison shoves his hands in his pockets and looks him up and down with disdain.
“Brandon’s in my class,” I say, trying to quickly smooth over the situation before it escalates. “We’re doing an assignment together.”
Brandon swallows nervously as Harrison silently glares at him. “Yes . . . we, umm, are just doing an assignment together. That’s all.”
I almost want to laugh at Brandon’s obvious intimidation, but I feel bad for him. I know how Harrison can get. I also know he has every right to be anxious. One false move and God only knows where this will end up. When we were kids, Harrison was known for talking with his fists first. He wasn’t one to seek out trouble, quite the opposite, but if trouble found him he’d always take care of it.
“You can leave now pretty boy; study time is over.” Harrison’s gaze moves to me before he continues. “I need to talk to Hanna . . . in private.”
His eyes soften when he says the last part, but I’m still annoyed at him. Yes, I like his dominance, but in this moment he’s being rude.
Brandon doesn’t argue as he quickly turns to collect his things. I see a smile play on Harrison’s lips as my eyes narrow at him.
“I’ll see you out,” I inform Brandon, as I turn to follow him towards the door. I don’t miss the growl that falls from Harrison’s mouth when I say that.
“Who is that guy?” Brandon mumbles when we step out into the hall.
“My brother’s best friend.” He’s so much more than that . . . well, he was.
“Well, he’s a jerk.
“I’m sorry he was so rude to you. He isn’t always like that.” I feel the need to apologise for Harrison’s outburst.
“Is it safe to leave you alone with him?”
“Yes,” I chuckle. “His bark is worse than his bite.”
“Okay.”
When I walk back into my apartment and close the front door, I find Harrison still standing where I left him. I still have no idea why he’s here, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t glad he was. I’m almost giddy. It’s the happiest I’ve felt since I walked away from him. I’ve missed him like you wouldn’t believe. Just having him so close brings all my feelings back to the surface.
“Hey,” he says. The steely glare from moments ago, is now gone. It’s replaced with a boyish, unsure expression. I love that look so much. My heart melts a little more every time I see it. He’s always been so confident on the outside, almost to the point where you could say he’s cocky, but underneath all that is a lonely man just wanting to be loved and accepted. I hate myself for the way I’ve treated him, even though I did it for all the right reasons. He’s faced rejection his whole life, and it kills me to know I’ve done that to him as well.
“Hey.” We just stand there and stare at each other for the longest time. Neither of us knowing what to say.
Minutes pass before he takes a step closer to me.
“Why are you here, Harrison?”
“I needed to see you,” he answers without hesitation. “I . . . umm . . . wanted to ask you something?”
“What?”
“When you said you didn’t love me, did you mean it?” I bow my head, because I don’t know what to say. Of course, I love him. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life, but admitting that to him isn’t going to help. It won’t mend his relationship with my brother. “Look at me, Han,” he pleads, placing his finger under my chin and raising my face to meet his.
Tears sting my eyes as he desperately searches my face for answers. “I . . .” I have so much to say, but the words won’t come.
“Please, Han. After everything we shared I think I deserve an answer. Things were going so well for us . . . weren’t they? Or was I reading it all wrong? You leaving seemed to come out of nowhere. I’m not imagining that, right? You told me you loved me. Nobody has ever said those words to me before.”
That statement just breaks my heart further and my resolve vanishes. I don’t want him to think I don’t, when I do.
“I do love you, Harry. When I said I didn’t, it was a lie.”
“Then what happened. Why did you leave?” He cups my face with his hand, and I involuntarily lean into it. A tear escapes when I clench my eyes shut, and he immediately wipes it away
with the pad of his thumb. As innocent as his touch is, it awakens my whole body.
When I open my eyes and finally look at him, I can see tears glistening in his eyes as well. “I don’t want you to lose your friendship with Ethan over me.”
“I don’t want that either, but losing you hurt so much more. It almost broke me. I need you in my life . . . fuck, do I need you.” Without saying another word, he slides his free hand around my waist, pulling my body to his. “I need you,” he murmurs as his lips softly meet mine.
“Harrison,” I whisper against his mouth as I part my lips and deepen the kiss. I need him too. If this week has taught me anything, it’s that I’m miserable without him. Despite everything, leaving him was the biggest mistake of my life.
He slides his hands down to my arse, lifting me off the ground. “Wrap your legs around me, sweetheart,” he commands. I do exactly as he asks. “Which way is your bedroom?”
“At the end of the hall,” I say, without breaking this kiss.
He places me on the ground beside the bed, taking a step backwards. Without waiting to be asked, I reach for the hem of my top, pulling it over my head. “Hanna,” he breathes as his fingers lightly dance over the swell of my beasts, just above the white lace of my bra. It sends tingles coursing down my spine. “I never thought I’d get to touch you again.”
“I’ve missed your touch.” I’ve missed everything about him. My hands move to my waist as I undo the button and zip on my skirt, before pushing it down around my ankles.
“I’ve missed everything about you,” he admits. I smile at his words because that’s exactly what I just thought.
His eyes drink me in as he hastily goes about undoing the buttons on his shirt. I quickly remove my bra and drop it to the floor at the same time as his shirt. He’s now standing before me in just a pair of jeans I’m itching to touch him again. His body is so ripped, so perfect.
I reach for the waistband of his jeans, and make quick work of the button. I can already see his erection straining against the denim. “Who was that guy?” he asks as he slips out of his shoes.