Lost Souls

by John Van Stry

  "And I'm not the cub." She whispered and pressed up against me.

  "Well, I'll certainly grant you that!" I whispered back and kissed her once more. It turned out to be quite a while later before sleep finally found us.

  Elsewhere

  She sat and stared out the window once more, the second night this week her sleep had been troubled with disquieting dreams that she only half remembered upon awakening. She sighed, her dreams having caused a feeling of frustration running through her tonight, feeding her anger and making her feel that there was something she was missing, something that by rights should belong to her. Something that someone else was trying to steal away, something that was hers and hers alone! She turned away from the window and the night sky, eyes burning with anger for a thief that she knew did not exist. All that she had lay within these walls, and none of her servants would be so foolish as to try and steal from her. The few that had tried had died disturbing deaths, reminders to the others of her power.

  She sighed again, these dreams weren't as bad as the nightmares that service to her master had brought in the past, and still brought more often than she cared to admit even to herself. However, she'd become used to those at least by now. Just as she'd become used to this excuse of a keep, after living here so long; remote and deserted of any civilized life. She looked around the room for the thousandth time since having taken up residence here; the cold stonewalls made more bearable by the tapestries and hangings she had added to the room, along with the chairs and other furnishings. True they were not of the quality her station in life previously demanded, but they still helped to set her above those who did her bidding here, and provided some small level of comfort.

  She turned her wandering attention back to her disturbed sleep, again unsure of why she had woken, feeling unsettled and vaguely frustrated with sunrise still several hours away. Casting her mind back, she tried to recall her thoughts, remember what she could of the fragments that had floated through her mind as she had first woke, but they melted before her attempts at recollection, like snowflakes before a flame. Drifting away and quickly evaporating, they left her feeling even more unsettled than before.

  She sighed again and stood, donning her robes and heavy cloak, her night's sleep now thoroughly disturbed. Well, as long as she was awake, she might as well see to her duties. Surely there would be someone about she could share her displeasure with, or more likely vent it on, considering the quality of some of those her master had employed. She grumbled to herself as she thought yet again of the constant oversight they required, she dare not let them have too much freedom, less their folly's and other foibles bring her master’s displeasure down on her, as well as them. She had a duty to him, and it was on her oath that she would accomplish it to his satisfaction, regardless of whether she enjoyed the service or not.

  She shuddered as her thoughts drifted to the things that occupied his time these days, glad that he no longer asked her to watch or take part, grateful for the excuse of the tasks that had to be finished quickly now, so that everything would be ready. She had a great deal of work to complete herself, spells that must be crafted, others that must be maintained. Protective wards reinforced to protect the valley against prying eyes and minds that sought to learn about what was going on in these environs.

  She smiled in satisfaction to herself as her personal guards snapped to attention when she opened the door. They appreciated the benefits of their position more than they feared the prospects of failure. Her master thought that ruling solely by fear worked best with the lesser races, and maybe in general he was right, but with some she had found that a certain amount of positive incentives yielded far better results.

  "Orders, Mistress?" One of the guards asked, bowing his head respectfully.

  She glanced at him, she had agreed with her master that human guards would not be wise; orcs would be less likely to recognize her, or be listened to by anyone important, if they let them live long enough to talk.

  Furthermore, she had fewer qualms about what happened to them afterwards, their deaths rarely weighed on her conscience, unlike that of those that her master dealt with.

  "We're going to inspect the watch," she said seeing the glint in the guard's eyes as his hand grasped at his sword a little tighter. He was as sure as she that they'd find at least one derelict in his duties. She knew how they delighted in the slaughter of such slackers. The lesser races did tend towards bloodthirstiness and other uncivilized pursuits, so she might as well use it to her own benefit.

  "Yes, Mistress!" the guard smiled, while the one to the left of the door nodded knowingly.

  She strode off down the hall, the two guards falling in behind her, another one joining as they left the floor, heading down to the outside. Inspecting all of the local posts would take at least an hour she knew; when she'd finished with it she was sure her mind would be clear enough to continue work on her more important duties.

  She yawned and stretched as she finished with her spells and castings for the day in her workshop. It had been a rather long one, and as she strode over to the window, she could see the three bodies nailed to the wall of the stable facing the assembly yard. One of them she had blasted with a fire spell, when he had tried to make excuses for the other two, who were sleeping at their posts. Her guards had had their fun with those two, hacking their limbs from their bodies before gutting them.

  She brushed her hair behind an ear as she raised her hood back into place, noticing how the workers in the courtyard carefully ignored the bodies, smiling, as she knew they could not ignore the stench of the one so horribly burned. There'd not be any slacking among the watch now for at least another week, though sadly such lessons rarely lasted longer in their minds than the lingering stench of the dead bodies lasted in their noses.

  She had been furious to find such a dereliction of duty, and slacking off on the watch. One was to be expected now and again, but three? She'd be cracking down heavily from now on, a repeat of this kind of behavior would not go ignored by her master, and she had no intention of taking the blame for the incompetence of these inferior beings. If not discipline out of respect, then discipline out of fear at least, would be maintained.

  She strode to the door and signaled for her guards to follow as she went down to the stables. There were still several hours of daylight left, so she might as well go inspect the troops encamped in the nearer fields, on the edge of the vale. She wasn't due to check on them for another few days, but best to get them used to surprises now, so that there would be no slacking off among them either. She'd have to see about sending her commanders out to inspect the outposts again soon as well; this morning's events were as good a reason as any for a crackdown. There might be many weeks yet left before their enemy moved against them, but she had no desire to be taken by surprise. Deceit was not unknown to the enemy after all; she had seen enough of that from them herself.

  By the time she was done tonight, she thought, dreams or no dreams, she'd sleep the sleep of the exhausted, and not have to deal with any nightmares or nagging doubts half remembered. Her past, recent and otherwise, could well go back to the dead and buried place it deserved; she had her duties and her own welfare to worry about now.

  Bartley's Inn

  The next morning came early, and for once, Tam and I rolled out of bed looking worse than Jenna and Clint.

  "Someone was up late, weren't they?" Jenna teased us laughing.

  "Better watch someone doesn't tie your tail in a knot!" Tam growled. "With any luck I'll be able to sleep on the boat," she grumbled as we ate a fast cold breakfast and headed out down to the river where the boat was.

  "Hello, Jareth." The man at the small makeshift dock said to me as we came up.

  "Hi, Jeb, Kurt," I nodded to the second man already onboard. "I appreciate the help."

  "Well, I can sure use the silver as well as the excuse."

  "True," I replied and I paid him what he had asked for. It wasn't that much and seemed to be fair
from what I recalled of my living here before.

  "Well, get onboard and find a seat." He turned to the two girls, "Sorry for the crowding, Ladies, but it's just the bare minimums."

  "Just as long as I can sleep," yawned Tam.

  He laughed and we got settled in as the two men pushed off, and got us going down stream.

  The boat hadn't changed and was exactly as I remembered; it was almost twelve feet long and maybe five feet across at its widest. They had a small sail that was only used for the return trip and two sets of oars for when that wasn't doing too well. If they had to, they could put wheels on it and haul it by oxen I'd been told once. As they almost always came back empty, the trip home wasn't the hard part. It was the trip down river, and then mainly because of the tax collectors and the occasional bandit.

  The river itself was fairly wide, the only reason ships didn't come up it this far was that the river wasn't deep enough most of the year. There was also a falls down past Merrick, but that wasn't an issue for us.

  Tam found a spot to curl up in and immediately fell asleep. I sat down next to her and kept an eye on things as we got underway, though once I was sure Clint and Jenna had a handle on it, I decided to snooze a bit myself as well.

  We were floating in a small boat on a lake, my love and I. Lazing about, lying in the sun. No one knew we were there, it was our little secret. We both knew there were those who would not approve of our love, our being together, our hopes to one day even build our own little family.

  But those were worries for tomorrow. For today, this day, we would celebrate in private my return from my many months in the field, fighting in the name of the queen, and doing my sworn service. We celebrated her progress in her studies as well, her apprenticeship was still ongoing, her teachers had been most impressed with her studies and work, the future was bright indeed.

  We made love then yet again, the rocking of the boat easing us to nap after we were spent.

  "The queen will be mad with you, you know," she teased me much later.

  "Yes, I'm sure your father will have words as well. Not to mention the many people who will be scandalized." I laughed. "But they'll survive."

  "Yes, they will, but will we, my love?"

  "If we love each other, and hold fast to our love, nothing will matter. We can live apart from them if we must."

  "Easy for you to say!" she laughed, "I have an apprenticeship to fulfill yet, and am not as used to the hardships that you so easily endure."

  "There are other cities, other towns, do not worry, my love. I'm sure that once people get used to us, they'll leave us be. After all, we're not the first."

  "True, very true.... What's that?"

  "What's that?"

  I heard Clint call and I woke up instantly. The sun was well up in the sky, I'd been asleep several hours.

  "Orc sign, I'd say," Jeb replied as I turned to look at the shore.

  I squinted a bit against the water's glare and then saw it, a burned out shack not far from the bank. It did look to be the work of Orcs, and it looked to be only a few days old at most.

  "They been moving back into the area?" I asked Jeb.

  "Nope, hasn't been anything in the last three years. Could be a band that got lost and stumbled down out of the mountains. Be best to notify the guard when we get to Merrick.”

  I nodded and sat back down by Tam, who looked at me until I nodded and then went back to sleep. I decided to stay awake myself and looked out over the gunwale towards the riverbank. There wasn't much to see really, there weren't many farms this close to the river and out this far from either town.

  The dream I had been having came back to me. My last day in Elshavel. My last truly carefree day with my love, my lost love. No matter how much I tried to forget, I always remembered, felt the pain anew. Why had she not come to me? Or even sent me a note? I know she had her obligations to fulfill, but the apprenticeship was over years ago. Why had she never come?

  That was why I had journeyed farther inland, farther away. Once I finally realized she wasn't coming, that the hole inside me wouldn't be healed, I stopped caring. I had broken with my home in my mind, broken with all that I once was. I had not planned on going back, not now, not ever. Yet here I was doing just that, going back. If I had taken a ship across the lake, even with their scrying spells, they might not have ever found me. Of course once my exile ran out they wouldn't have sent anyone to fetch me home, I would have just been forgotten, if I didn't show up again.

  Things would have been better that way I was sure, better for me, better for her, better for all involved. Seeing her again would not be easy, her feelings had obviously faded for me, but not mine for her. No, I realized once again, not mine at all.

  I had settled in Northridge expecting to either stay there, or cross the lake and live closer to that kingdom's center. Forget what I once was, and could never be again. I had resigned myself to my fate two years ago and finally grown comfortable with looking it in the face every time I saw myself in a mirror. And now this.

  'Alini, how could you do this to me?' I had asked the wind, the water, and even the stars at night.

  "Hey, Jareth, you alright?"

  I looked up to see my sister looking concerned.

  "Yes, why?"

  "You were looking sad there is all. Real sad."

  I nodded, "Was thinking about someone from home, someone I missed, someone I still miss."

  "Anyone I know?"

  I shook my head, "No. Sadly you never got to meet." I sighed, "And probably never will."

  "Oh." She looked at me kind of funny for a moment, "Is it true you were sleeping with Lelani?"

  "WHAT?!" I yelled, causing Clint to come to his feet in the boat, making it rock. Tam shot bolt upright eye's wide and suddenly awake as well.

  "Just where in the frozen hells did you hear that!" I growled loudly. Even Jeb and his helper were looking at me wide-eyed.

  "You... you mean you... you weren't?" Jenna said in a very small voice, looking rather scared.

  "The princess was a friend, but I never, ever, slept with her or even courted her, or even had any desire to do so. Just where in the world did you hear that?" I lowered my voice, but I couldn't keep the anger out of it. Where in the world had she gotten such a fool idea?

  "But, your exile," Clint spoke up his voice making it more of a question than a statement. "It was because the queen didn't want you courting her daughter!"

  "WHAT?!" I yelled a second time, only now my eyes were the ones wide in shock as I sat down, hard, on the bench behind me rocking the boat once more.

  "You mean you weren't?" Jenna looked confused.

  "Suddenly a great many things are becoming clear to me," I said between clenched teeth, wanting more than ever now to kill a certain member of the council.

  "So, then why were you exiled?"

  "I was found with Elantisfey's daughter, we were in love, and we wanted to marry. The queen needed Elantisfey on her side in the council, so she had me exiled to soothe his concerns over his daughter mating with a filthy beast." I growled it out slowly. I might as well have been in my natural form from the way I sounded.

  Clint, Tam, and Jenna all looked at me in shock.

  Clint was the first to recover "But the queen...."

  "Isn't the one who told me that, true," I interrupted, "and as a matter of fact she never spoke to me at all or saw me again. I was told that by one of her pages. Who I will gut with my own claws if I should find out that they were lying to me."

  "The queen believes you were after her daughter," Clint continued. "And everyone else does as well. We all thought Lelani's protests of your innocence were just that of one lover covering up for another."

  I sighed and put my face in my hands shaking my head. "Poor Lelani, being blamed for that, being shamed for something so untrue. Typical tactic for Elantisfey, use someone innocent, above all reproach, to help further his little agenda. That bastard."

  Clint looked at Jenna, and then Tam, an
d shrugged. There wasn't much else to say.

  Not here at least. Not now.

  Jenna came and sat next to me, her leg pressed against mine, but she didn't say a word, didn't try to talk to me or anything else while I sat there and stewed. It was the best thing for me then; I didn't really want to talk about it anymore, not while my temper was still up. A little close Shrean contact however, does help to cool one's anger. We're a physical people, and we take solace in even such things as simple as a touch.

  The rest of the trip passed rather quietly, if miserably, as I turned over and over what I’d just learned in my mind. I’d never been so soundly blindsided and beaten on the field, as I obviously had been that day. It was hours before I finally calmed down enough to even risk talking to of the others.

  We finally made the dock at Merrick just as dusk was starting to fall. We all helped Jeb and Kurt secure the boat. Jeb told me they were going to a cousin's place and bid me a fair trip.

  "They thought you were nailing a princess though, was that it?" he laughed to me, unable to believe his ears I guess.

  "Apparently," I shook my head.

  "Just who were you, back there?"

  "Commander of the queen's army."

  He looked impressed. "No kiddin'."

  "Yeah, well," I shrugged downplaying it, "it was a job. Just keep it under your hat, if I ever make it back this way I sure don't want that kind of attention."

  He nodded, "No one would believe us anyway, go well."

  "Go well."

  "One last thing, if you want to take advice from an old smuggler."

  I turned and looked at him.

  "Don't be afraid to admit who you are, at least not to yourself. Life can always be faced on your own terms, but only if you know who you are."

  I blinked and he smiled.

  "Wasn't always a smuggler living in the wilderness you know," he winked and headed off with Kurt.

  "What was that all about?" Jenna asked coming up to me as I turned to rejoin the others.