by Rae Earl
9.15 a.m.
Keith is getting the train here and doesn’t have a mobile. He could arrive at Gran’s at ANY TIME.
9.40 a.m.
Just rung Gran. He is not there yet.
10.12 a.m.
He is still not at Gran’s yet.
10.14 a.m.
Gran has just rung me to ask me to stop calling her. She promises she will call me the moment he arrives.
10.55 a.m.
I think I might have left an important Science textbook at Gran’s. I might go over there.
11.01 a.m.
Rang Gran again to tell her I was coming over to get my book. OMG! OVERREACTION!
She shouted, “You’ve never shown an interest in Science before. Why now?” I told her I had a sudden need to find out about biological things. Gran said, “You have a sudden need to be there first when someone might need a rest.” Then Mum piped up in my ear behind me with, “Harsh but fair.” Thanks, everyone, for their sensitivity in this issue of MY REAL DAD ACTUALLY TURNING UP. Mum is just punishing me for making her terrible past her present. I’ve read her diary – I know it was bad.
I’ve READ HER DIARY! HER TERRIBLE PAST!!! What the HELL AM I DOING?!
If I were her I’d give me RAW bacon sandwiches.
Got to think of something else – when are your feelings just not as important as other people’s?! I don’t want to be a pushover sappy-fest but I don’t want to cause anyone actual head-mess pain! HOW CAN YOU TELL? Where do you learn this? I need to learn how to get what I want and not upset people at the same time.
I can’t think.
I actually WANT to do schoolwork now.
11.27 a.m.
I had a quick look at the Science exam syllabus on the Net just to take my mind off things. It’s full of stuff like natural selection, how your genes affect you and how the fennec fox has evolved to its desert environment. Actually these ARE things I DO need to know about NOW.
11.39 a.m.
The fennec fox can probably wait. He can’t help me understand my dad. He just has a big brush and eats other people’s cold chips.
11.47 a.m.
Rob just explained that after a long flight you need to freshen up and have a little rest. Only Rob ever talks sense. He’s from Guyana and understands long-haul travel. It’s not a small bottle of Chardonnay and a mini tube of Pringles on easyJet for 2 hours, Mum!
Nathan has a point. Rob is perfect. What am I doing?!
Too late now.
And I need to know.
11.54 a.m.
Gran yelled down the phone that she is doing some final checks. Mum said, “I bet she’s hiding her valuables.” I WENT MENTAL. I shouted down the phone, “Give him a chance, will you? It’s been 14 years – he might have changed!”
Gran said, “I’m sorry, Hattie, but I can guarantee he hasn’t. Men like that don’t! You can’t go from Keith Richards to Cliff Richard in one lifetime.”
When I asked, “Men like what?” Gran said, “Your dad could fit an antique nest of tables in his suitcase!”
Antiques?! Gran has no antiques. Her furniture is called stuff like “Knutstropper” and comes flat-packed!
Gran sighed and start muttering stuff like, “Oh, I can’t argue with you, Hattie. I’ve tried to protect you from it all but you had to know. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, you know! You need more life experience before you start doing things like this!”
So I shouted, “Yes, I’m glad you finally agree! That’s why I’m going to leave school and go travelling!”
Everyone went mad then. Rob told Mum to calm down.
I’d only go travelling to Norfolk but I just wanted to scare them all.
At least an argument passed some time.
1.31 p.m.
Keith still isn’t here. Gran says trains are a nightmare on Christmas Eve. People have to stand FOR HOURS and the buffet car runs out of stuff at Luton (that’s miles away from anywhere northern!). Apparently, Brian from the pensioners’ club went to stay with his family in Glasgow last Christmas and ended up having to share his fruit cake with a starving nun, 2 soldiers and a woman who cried all the way from Doncaster because her boyfriend had dumped her and she had to spend Christmas with her parents. Gran always says, “Trains are like living through a war, Hattie – you’re never the same after. You carry the scars of public transport with you.”
This from the woman who seems to think I’m making too much of a fuss about my real dad turning up!
2.06 p.m.
Keith is still not here. I’m watching Toy Story 2 to pass the time.
5.12 p.m.
OMG – that was just the weirdest experience ever.
How do I even write what I feel when it’s such a … I don’t even know.
That was a TOTAL mistake. WHY DID I WATCH TOY STORY 2?! Jessie the cowgirl being dumped at the side of the road always makes me cry.
TYPICAL! Gran didn’t ring to warn me and Keith just arrived at the house! I was a mess about abandoned toys but he thought I was crying over him! He gave me this crap half-hearted limp hug and said, “I understand, Hattie – it’s a lot for a girl of your age to take in!” I couldn’t tell him I was sobbing because I was having flashbacks to when my brother squashed “Mr Fluffyton”, my teddy, in a milk bottle and sent him down the river on what he called an “epic pirate voyage” (TEDDY TORTURE). I must have looked and sounded about 5 years old. Keith probably now thinks I’m the most immature girl ON EARTH. Then I did start to sob properly because it was just all too much in my head. I couldn’t even stop. Then Mum said, “You know what, Hattie, this is a lot for you to handle. How about Keith goes to Gran’s for a nice long rest and he comes back tomorrow after he’s had a good night’s sleep and you’ve had a chance to just … calm down a bit?”
This made me mad because it was mainly Toy Story 2 I was crying over, I think, but when I tried to speak I just did that totally embarrassing crying-snorting thing and Rob said, “Yes – I think that’s a really good idea, Hats. It would be a lot for anyone. You’re not being silly.”
Keith sort of looked confused and nodded and Rob drove him back. Mum came over, started hugging me and said, “I did try to tell you, Hattie.” I was so angry I pulled away and shouted, “This isn’t about you – it’s about ME and Toy Story 2.”
She looked puzzled. I don’t blame her. I DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL BUT IT WASN’T MEANT TO BE LIKE THIS.
So apparently me and Keith will talk tomorrow. I’ve only waited for 14 years. What’s another 24 hours?!
I’LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS! It’s another day of nerves and feeling sick.
I think I might write to Disney and complain. They should NOT make films that make people cry.
It was all just such an anticlimax. I thought I’d feel this big rush of … love but it just felt like … bad PMT.
6.46 p.m.
Honestly, right now I feel sadder about Mr Fluffyton than I do about Keith. Mr Fluffyton was a teddy pioneer of the high seas. Well, of the Derwent river. I don’t feel anything for Keith. What was I expecting? Perhaps Gran was right.
6.58 p.m.
I do feel something! I feel a bit…
7.22 p.m.
Patronized. Thank you, Dimple, for the EXACT word. BY EVERYONE.
Rob has just been up. Am I OK, PUMPKIN? He only uses “Pumpkin” when he’s really worried.
I love Rob. That makes things harder now – not easier.
Dimple says give it a chance. Dads can be difficult. She should know.
7.41 p.m.
Dimple’s dad totally loves her though and he tells her ALL THE TIME. He even laughs at Mrs Brown’s Boys when no one is looking.
8.52 p.m.
I just told Weirdo Jen what happened today. She is bringing round another dreamcatcher to make sure Mr Fluffyton the teddy can be at peace. Jen understands priorities.
F
RIDAY 25
TH D
ECEMBER
8.01 a.m.
Rang Gran
. Keith is still asleep. It’s jet lag. Gran has apparently been playing her special festive album very loudly since 6.17 a.m. She’s done “White Christmas” twice.
8.50 a.m.
It’s not working. Keith is still sleeping on the world’s most uncomfortable bed and yet he still will not wake up.
Gran says she’s going to sort it.
9.21 a.m.
Gran has sorted it. She said, “I got to the end of the Slade song ‘Merry Christmas Everybody’ and shouted ‘It’s Christmas!!!’ at the same time as Noddy Holder. That soon got the bugger up, Hattie.”
Thank you, Noddy Holder, whoever you are.
9.34 a.m.
Fancy calling your kid Noddy? Sometimes I think I got off fine with my name.
9.45 a.m.
Gran came round WITHOUT Keith! Apparently he’s just doing some “New Age meditating nonsense” near Gran’s airing cupboard. Doesn’t he realize how much I have to ask him?!
Perhaps he has to get his head together. Perhaps I NEED to get mine together FIRST!
11.04 a.m.
We have just opened our presents. I got mainly money. Boring but good.
THEN it happened.
If I haven’t got enough to cope with, I NOW have a MAJOR responsibility! Gran has bought HERSELF an iPad! AN IPAD!!! She said she was sick of getting “soap and rubbish” for Christmas and wanted “to go 21st century”. She got interest-free credit over 48 months! She can’t work out how to connect it though. Good. As long as she sticks with Angry Birds everything will be fine. I can’t deal with apps that connect her to the rest of the world and actual people!
Mum pretended to like the smell of the Britney Spears perfume I bought her but obviously didn’t. I saw her put it under the sink with the Ajax and her rubber gloves! Rob also said he would keep the furry dice in his glove box as it “doesn’t look professional to hang them up”. I wanted to say, “Nor does using the drive-through as part of a driving lesson to pick up an Egg McMuffin but that’s not stopped you before!” Rob says it teaches people to manoeuvre into small spaces. In fact all it does is teach people to drive to window 2 to collect Rob’s secret brunch!
Mum would go mad if she knew he did that. It’s only because I love him so much that I don’t tell her!
12.34 p.m.
Apparently Princess doesn’t like her present either. There’s a Scottish guy at Gran’s pensioners’ club who doesn’t like dogs. Princess associates tartan with “hostility and men who smell of smoke and pickled onions”. I said she could change it but Gran says the shop probably “wouldn’t like a half-eaten coat – besides she’s only a young dog and checks are very ageing!”
Princess has better fashion choices than me! She has about 5 coats. All picked to complement her fur.
I’m telling you all this because Keith still isn’t here. I’m nervous as hell and I’m worried that me having a total emotional breakdown has totally put him off me for life.
5.09 p.m.
Keith finally turned up for dinner at 2.10 p.m.
Mum and Rob were polite. In the way you’re polite to someone who has a VERY obvious spotty skin rash you don’t want to catch. Gran was openly rude. She kept saying waking Keith up was like getting a “bloody tortoise out of hibernation – but they have a more varied diet and better conversation”.
She’s got a point. Keith doesn’t say a lot. He also wouldn’t wear a paper hat because it was a “mass-produced novelty hat”. He also didn’t eat turkey, only vegetables. He had 2 parsnips and a sprout for Christmas lunch. He won’t even eat Roses chocolates because of excessive packaging. Gran said, “Can I have your Country Fudge then? More fool you.”
He seems to be very green. I’m not against green but he’s a bit … too green, I think. I know the polar ice caps might be melting but don’t ruin Christmas dinner over it.
THEN MAX UNCOMFORTABLE HORRID MOMENT.
After the queen’s speech Nathan suddenly left his pudding and went upstairs. He listened to his ANGRY playlist for TOO LONG and WENT MENTAL. He said to Keith, “Listen, mate – I’m not interested in you. I’ve thought about it and … well, I’ve got a father figure in my life – Rob. You’ve never bothered before so why now? So just stay out of my way.” Rob went to interrupt him and Nathan said, “No, Rob, mate – I’ve made up my mind. He’s not going to be part of my life. That’s just the way it is.”
Keith said, “I’m sorry about that, Nathan. Sorry that you won’t let me into your life and the lightness of forgiveness into your heart.”
Nathan shouted, “No, mate. I won’t let a pillock into my life!”
OMG – am I being horrible to Rob by letting Keith into my life?! This is just a non-stop brain crash.
Then Gran said REALLY SARCASTICALLY, “When did this new Keith start then and how long will this version last?”
Keith just looked sad and said, “I’ve been an idiot, I realize that. It was all about women and drinking. I took, took and took but now – I try to live better. I just try to do my bit and there are some things I believe in that might not sit well with you. And when I found out one of my kids wanted to meet me I had to see them, didn’t I? And I want to make things up to all of you and thank Rob for doing such a good job. I just won’t eat animals.”
Gran snorted and said, “With all the spaghetti bolognese you used to eat you’ve killed more than your fair share of the world’s cows already. Don’t ever think you’ll take the place of Rob. You won’t!”
Keith said, “I’m not trying to. I just want to meet my kids. Believe me I’d rather not be pulling crackers with you, Violet.” Then he winked and EVEN MUM LAUGHED.
Gran went beetroot-angry – she HATES being called by her REAL name as she says it’s a weak, useless flower that can’t stand a mild frost. She even tells people at the pensioners’ club she’s called Rose (“It’s got thorns, Hattie – that’s what you need in life”).
Keith may be green but he managed to shut Gran up.
I love her but it was a bit magnificent to see!
Rob looked sad though. I think he’s worried about Nathan.
Me and Keith had a bit of a chat.
ME: Why did you NEVER get in touch?
KEITH: Because I’d made such a mess I just wanted to run and get away. I was a pillock like Nathan says. But Hattie I’m not that person any more – I was just a kid. I thought about you all the time. And Nathan. And Ruby.
ME: Oh. Good. (WHAT COULD I SAY?!)
I’ve noticed a lot of adults blame a lot of stupid things on being a kid or a teenager or being “young” – yet when YOU do something they don’t like they go MAD.
6.49 p.m.
I asked Rob if I had ruined his life by bringing Keith into his actual house. He said, “Of course not, Hats. I understand that you want to know your dad. We all understand that!”
He did look upset though. I knew I should have bought him a deluxe car-washing kit with antifreeze. That would have at least softened the blow.
I don’t think we’ll all be playing Wii Sports this evening as I thought we would be.
I might have to play tennis by myself. Again.
7.44 p.m.
Gran has had 3 sherries and is currently doing ski-jumping on the Wii. She can barely lean forward so she is doing 2-metre jumps. She seems happy though. No one else is. Mum and Rob have been washing up for about 6 hours. I know there was a lot but no roasting dish needs that amount of scrubbing. Nathan is in his bedroom listening to Mumford & Sons. Keith is asleep in the chair. I want him to stay asleep, I think. It’s not his fault but he’s like an emotion bomb.
8.34 p.m.
Keith has woken up to say he wants to meet MGK! BOOM! And NOT in the good way. I have warned him she is from the Planet Cow with udders of pure evil. He says it’s his duty.
This whole day really has turned out to be the Christmas pudding that caught fire, got horribly out of control and burnt down the entire house, Santa’s sleigh, Rudolph and all the other reindeers whose names I can’
t remember. Even the elves are crying. I have sort of killed Christmas by introducing Keith the Greenish Grinch.
9.41 p.m.
Gran and Keith are going back to Gran’s house. I am surprised she is letting him in after what has happened today but she has to – Gran needs help. She has hurt her hip doing the ski-slalom on the Wii. Princess tried to join in and knocked her over. Before Keith shoved her in the taxi Gran was trying to argue that dogs could do winter sports and that they should probably be introduced as an event at Crufts.
Princess wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a pedigree dog show. Certainly not on skis.
10.12 p.m.
Before Keith went he shouted, “Bye, Nathan.” He’s trying. Nathan had been listening on the landing for ages but he pretended not to hear.
Gran’s tomorrow. It’s a Boxing Day tradition. It usually means trifle and Monopoly and lots of telly. This year it means Keith-based TENSION.
What have I done?
S
ATURDAY 26
TH D
ECEMBER
7.23 a.m.