by Rae Earl
Goose just texted:
How did it go Hats?
What I really want to say is IT’S AWFUL, Goose. Keith doesn’t care, Princess won’t be competing in the Winter Olympics any time soon and I have made an OMG! TERRIBLE mistake. PLEASE let me come and hide at your house, Goose, and live with Freak. I want to be Freak. I want to live with you. In a nice tank. PLEASE LOVE ME THE WAY I WANT YOU TO.
But I just replied:
Good. C U soon. X
Hopefully from that Goose will realize something is wrong.
8.12 a.m.
Goose said:
Glad it’s good :-) Luv GX
I don’t think he does realize something is wrong.
Perhaps I’m rubbish at giving out signals too.
9.23 a.m.
Keith got up and apparently didn’t wash or have a shower. He said that “water is as precious as diamonds” and “too much washing can damage your pheromones”. He explained that “pheromones help you invisibly communicate with others and attract a mate”. Gran said, “You need to wash them off for a start! All the trouble they’ve caused! You’re a man not a skunk.”
Keith didn’t say anything to that but Gran said he “laughed like a madman”. I think he quite likes her in a way. Perhaps “like” is the wrong word. Something. I don’t know.
1.35 p.m.
Gran has bought Keith 3 bottles of deodorant for Boxing Day. This is her not at all subtly telling him he stinks!
Keith doesn’t like aerosols. Gran snapped, “I’ll get you some roll-ons then.” He doesn’t like those either. Glad I don’t have to waste my money at Boots on a present – LOL!
3.57 p.m.
Gran keeps spraying Keith with a combination of Febreze and air freshener behind his back. She’s trying to do it secretly but he keeps asking her what she’s doing. When she says, “Cleansing the air!” he tells her she’s ruining the ozone layer. Gran says environmental damage to something she doesn’t actually believe in is a small price to pay not to have her nose assaulted every time he walks by.
Who IS this man? He isn’t the “Carlo” everyone talked about! He is even more of a stranger than the stranger he is. He doesn’t seem like someone who would leave his kids. He thinks about everything. He washes jars out before recycling them. No one actually does that!
4.32 p.m.
Hang on, Gran – how can you not believe in the ozone layer?
5.15 p.m.
Gran says she’s never seen it – it might as well be the tooth fairy.
The whole house now smells of Vanilla and Jasmine Glade Plug-in. It’s making Rob sneeze. Gran thinks Rob needs to toughen up. She said, “Nuts?! Air fresheners?! You’ll be allergic to water next.”
6.23 p.m.
Keith thinks that British tap water IS poisoned. It’s the fluoride apparently (that’s in toothpaste – how can it be bad?!). Keith hopes that one day the environment will be so clean we will be able to drink from streams without worry. Gran said, “You can do that now if you’d like your water served with oil slicks and empty energy-drink cans.”
That was the sort of conversation we had till Mum said she had a migraine and we had to go. It was a migraine she treated with 2 glasses of Pinot Noir when we got home and she had a miraculous recovery. I honestly don’t blame her. Keith is…
Keith is a bit DULL. How can I have a dull dad?! I was expecting this guy who would be a bit wild and perhaps even let me have a glass of wine in a pub. With these genes will I grow up dull and end up growing my own tomatoes? What’s the point? You can get them TODAY at Asda!
6.49 p.m.
Perhaps there’s been a mistake! Perhaps Rob IS my REAL dad and I’m sort of an albino! There’s a really cool albino in Year 11 called Charlie Swain. His parents are actually black! Perhaps I do need a DNA test!
6.52 p.m.
Just googled albino. I’d have red eyes and be really pale.
I’m not Rob’s. I belong to Keith.
7.14 p.m.
Perhaps I should make more of an effort. I should talk about things that Keith likes. I might look up British wildlife and see if I can learn something and start a conversation about that.
7.48 p.m.
OMG – if female ferrets don’t have sex they die! Better stick to stoats.
8.12 p.m.
Stoats are boring.
Keith has decided he is going to come round every day till he goes back. This shows he wants to make an effort.
I want to talk to Goose about this. Have to KILL my lust and just concentrate on BEING FRIENDS. I’m too tired now though. I’ve spent the last hour in virtual forests, looking at virtual wildlife. I might go round tomorrow.
11.38 p.m.
Just had a dream that I invited a giant robin into my house. It seemed really friendly at first and then it tried to peck me to death!
I don’t need to ask Jen what that dream REALLY means. I know.
It means birds are actually evil.
11.51 p.m.
Or it might be something to do with Keith anxiety.
S
UNDAY 27
TH D
ECEMBER
10.12 a.m.
I was just about to go next door when I saw Jen walk up to Goose’s front door. I bet she’s come to see his gecko. She is a total reptile expert and a “great fan of the cold-blooded mind”. Apparently reptiles give you a “unique affection”. Just thinking about Goose and her laughing and chatting makes me so jealous I might explode.
I have definitely matured. I know when I’m jealous these days almost immediately and can totally admit it.
10.43 a.m.
I need something to love. I might get a python. Something that could eat both of their stupid pets in one go!
11.11 a.m.
Perhaps I have not matured. Jen and Goose are both totally lovely and yet I’m currently enjoying the thought of “Devil” – my imaginary snake – gulping them ALL down as a brilliant snack.
5.32 p.m.
Keith spent all day negotiating with MGK’s mum. MGK doesn’t want to see him – especially now she has found out he is not loaded and lives in a massive shed.
6.35 p.m.
Keith spent ages staring into space tonight and then said to me, “I’m not doing very well Hattie, am I? You’re the only one speaking to me. Nathan has told me exactly what he thinks of me and Ruby won’t even meet me. Can you help?”
I explained to him that Nathan had been torturing me since I was a baby and that MGK hated me because I was not cool at school and did not wear Versace on a regular basis.
Keith said, “I can tell you now, Nathan loves you. And Ruby – well – indifference is the opposite of love. Ever thought Ruby might be jealous of you in some way? And that’s why she’s nasty?”
Dear Keith – seriously you are talking TOTAL crap now. I just laughed at this. I said, “Trust me – she is not jealous. She thinks I’m Dork Central.”
Keith said, “Sorry to hear that. School is cruel.”
OMG! At least Keith GETS THAT!
BUT WHY IS my actual real dad more interested in MGK than me? WHY? WHY? WHY?
7.59 p.m.
Gran told me it’s like that with all men: “Treat them mean – keep them keen.” Apparently, I’ve got to be less nice (?), ask less questions and demand less time.
Gran also told me she looked in the mirror and Santa’s vajazzle hat is still on her buttock. She thinks the glue marks will fade. So MGK is Number 1 in my dad’s eyes but my gran’s arse decoration is gradually improving.
Hurrah. That’s great news.
8.21 p.m.
Perhaps I AM a bit too sarcastic sometimes like Weirdo Jen says.
I’m going sales shopping tomorrow with Mum and Gran. It might be hell but at least it isn’t Keith and MGK worry.
M
ONDAY 28
TH D
ECEMBER
7.32 p.m.
Keith and MGK would NEVER get on. He has spent most of the day lecturing
us on our sales shopping. Do I really need another top? Does Mum really need another saucepan? Does Gran really need a plush bulldog wearing a Union Jack that plays “God Save the Queen”? Do we realize about landfill and how mass production is polluting our world?! YES, KEITH!
ALL I DID WAS BUY A NICE TOP!
Keith! Here’s a tip! Stop saving the world and save me!
8.16 p.m.
I have to make an effort. I have to make this work. This is OFFICIALLY my mission – GET A REALLY DECENT RELATIONSHIP WITH KEITH – MY ACTUAL DAD – BEFORE HE LEAVES! There are totally lovely bits to him.
T
UESDAY 29
TH D
ECEMBER
7.46 p.m.
Keith took me out today! It took ages to find a cafe that he “approved” of (fair-trade coffee, vegan food – those are just the requirements I remember!). This took about 2 and a half hours. He then started reminiscing about drawing his name in concrete in an old toilet block and insisted on going to see it. It was still there. His nickname, “Carlo”, in big letters. Keith looked really happy and said, “That’s history there.” I didn’t have the heart to tell him it’s just a bit of graffiti and very unlikely to end up a tourist attraction. Oh, and carrot, hummus and gherkin filling on gluten-free bread is CAPTAIN VILE! He’s OK but I have to really try to keep the conversation going. When we get to silence it’s really uncomfortable. We are just not … how I thought we would be. I have a funny dad, then a dull dad, THEN a dad that gets some things and is TOTALLY clueless on others.
When I got home Mum said, “How did it go?” I shouted at her, “I don’t want to talk about it – and have you got any ham?”
The truth is, I don’t want to talk to anyone. I thought knowing Keith would give me a parent that GOT me! Instead it’s got me totally confused, loads of time away from my friends and probably malnutrition from rubbish sandwiches.
My Keith mission may be a Mission Impossible film without Tom Cruise to save it.
10.01 p.m.
OMG – Nathan just came into my room and asked me how it went?! When I told him he said, “Keith sounds like most of us, Hattie. A little bit good. A little bit rubbish.”
This is a BREAKTHROUGH for Nathan, who previously was describing Keith as that “Total b****** that ******* left my ****** mum and me and didn’t give a s***”.
Perhaps THEY will end up as friends and it will be just me that is TOTALLY messed up by the thing I MOST WANTED. HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?!
W
EDNESDAY 30
TH D
ECEMBER
11.01 a.m.
Mum and me had a MAJOR conversation this morning:
MUM: Hattie, I think you expected too much – but don’t take it personally. We are all a bit … confused by it. He’s different. He’s not even the man I knew. I don’t know what to think… But I know it must be so, so tough for you, Hats. (OMG, she is being so nice!)
ME: It is tough, Mum – because he’s MY DAD! He’s meant to GET ME naturally!
MUM: You’re wonderful, Hattie! He’s just the man who sowed the seed. (URGH – TMI, MUM!) I’m so sorry you aren’t getting what you want. Or what you deserve.
I don’t know whether to agree with her or argue with her so I’ve gone on the Internet to look at videos of people falling off things
3.12 p.m.
Gran has just rung me. Princess and her have overstretched themselves doing winter sports and are sitting on the sofa with hot-water bottles and menthol muscle rub. The muscle rub is not for dogs but Princess loves it. According to Gran she’s been licking her own leg for over an hour.
The only things that are having a good time this Christmas are dogs and reptiles.
5.24 p.m.
I’ve just read the greeny blog that Keith writes. IT IS UNBELIEVABLE!
Greetings from the UK. I am finding it tough here. It’s all about shopping. WHAT you can buy. WHERE you can buy it. Nail varnish seems to be more important than pollution. My daughter is lovely – she’s a special young woman – but she seems a bit obsessed with what she looks like and what so-called celebrities are wearing. I wonder how many teenagers in Britain have walked barefoot in a wood, camped under the stars and cuddled a koala. They MUST be taught that bonding with the Earth is more important than what the latest X Factor winner is wearing. NATURE must win. Let’s take photos of things that really matter – the sky, the moon, the stars. The REAL stars. Celebrities will pass. The forest is for ever. That said – this is turning out to be such a unique experience. A LIFE GROWTH lesson. I’ve made some horrible selfish mistakes that have hurt people. I regret them deeply and I am trying to make them better. My advice is: don’t do what I did. Think about the people you love and do something about it. Pick up a phone, write a letter, email – it doesn’t matter. Don’t miss out like I have. My daughter and son have filled their lives with a wonderful father figure I can never replace. Don’t end up with regrets like me. Peace out.
1. You’re finding it tough, Keith?! Spare a thought for the rest of us. Sometimes it’s like living with a massive TUT machine that disapproves of everything WE do.
2. Nail varnish isn’t more important than pollution but I have no control over Chinese smog. I can, however, take control by painting my hands a positive shade of “Tangerine Daiquiri”.
3. “My daughter is lovely.” Thanks for that. DAUGHTER?! You’ve got 2, Keith. He’d better mean ME.
4. “Peace out”?! What does THAT mean?!
5. OMG, my dad cuddles koalas! How do they feel about that? I bet they just want trees and other bears. Or a nice It bag to stash their eucalyptus leaves in – LOL! I know koalas aren’t really into Prada. I’m just feeling annoyed.
6. The last bit makes me … want to cry. He DOES feel all these things. He is SORRY and he does think I’m lovely – WHY DOESN’T HE SAY IT TO MY ACTUAL FACE?!
7. I want to tell him it’s not too late to make everything better – but perhaps it is. I don’t know.
7.34 p.m.
Just rang Gran to tell her to read the blog on her iPad.
10.57 p.m.
Gran has just worked out how to read the blog on her iPad.
She sounded a bit choked up when she said, “Hattie – look at the bit at the end. Take it in. Don’t miss things like you normally do.”
YES, GRAN – I HAVE SEEN IT … AND WHAT ELSE AM I MISSING PLEASE?!
THINGS I KNOW:
1. Keith is sorry. I thought that would make me feel good but it just makes me … sad. Then angry. But mainly sad.
2. Mum, Gran and Rob LOVE me.
3. Dimple and Jen are my best friends.
4. Nathan probably loves me but still wants to cause me emotional and low-scale social humiliation.
5. Goose loves me but does not want to snog me. When you want to snog a girl you snog her. Not invite her round to a gecko-naming ceremony with others. He loves me LIKE A FRIEND. I need a boy that loves me LIKE A GIRLFRIEND.
6. Goose makes me sad, angry, happy, tingly, a bit mental – but mainly totally like my head has been put in a blender.
T
HURSDAY 31
ST D
ECEMBER
3.12 p.m.
I hope New Year is better than last year when we were all in bed by 11 p.m. Gran is not going to her over-60s’ ’80s theme party. It got too messy last year. She wants a “quiet one”.
5.37 p.m.
Keith is coming to our house for New Year but he’s a bit (HERE IT COMES) funny about helium balloons as apparently they are leading to a shortage of helium in the medical world. He asked Gran how she would feel if she couldn’t have keyhole surgery because somebody wanted a more colourful party. Gran said, “I wouldn’t mind! A big scar wouldn’t bother me. I haven’t worn a bikini since 1979!” Keith just stared at her and said, “Are you sure about that, Violet? I’ve heard all sorts goes on when you have your OAP day trips to Hunstanton.” Then he winked at me. Gran has met her match! LOL!
6.22 p.m.<
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Gran has suddenly decided to go to the ’80s New Year party night at her over-60s’ club. “I haven’t got as much time as you left on this Earth, Hattie,” she said. The party’s fancy dress – with an ’80s theme. She’s borrowed some of Mum’s old net curtains and is going as Madonna in her Like a Virgin bride stage.
6.44 p.m.
Just googled Madonna in 1984. PLEASE, Gran, DON’T WEAR a “Boy Toy” belt.
7.12 p.m.
Gran has just made herself a “Boy Toy” belt out of a cornflakes box and one of my old glittery Primark belts because she says she has to look authentic.
I’M SORRY. I’M SO OVER FAMILIES.
Goodnight, this year.
9.13 p.m.
Text from Goose:
B4 it all goes mental just want to say HNY! Luv, me and Freak for ever XX