by Rae Earl
SUNDAY 16TH MAY
5.35 p.m.
Gran thinks I should give Nicky a chance just like you should “try the curried mushrooms on the salad bar before you opt for the coleslaw”.
She’s STILL spending too much time at the supermarket.
MONDAY 17TH MAY
6.27 p.m.
Email from Keith. He has a special sensor in his head that knows when I LEAST want to hear from him and when it’s the WORST possible time.
From:
Date: May 16, 3:23:12 PM GMT
To: Hattie Moore
Subject: YOUR visit here!
Hattie – I NEED to know now if you are coming over. I will pay for the ticket. It would be great to spend the summer with you.
Typical of Keith to complicate everything by doing actually NOTHING!
7.12 p.m.
Gran thinks this would be the chance of a lifetime.
7.34 p.m.
Mum says she’d miss me A LOT.
8.09 p.m.
OMG – is MGK definitely going?
I’ve got massive coursework this week – WHY IS THIS HAPPENING NOW?
TUESDAY 18TH MAY
3.46 p.m.
Of course MGK is going. She’ll probably wear a bikini on the plane.
5.45 p.m.
Mum says I should go and see Keith. Why does she want to get rid of me?
6.02 p.m.
She says she doesn’t but she thinks it’s important I have a relationship with my father.
I have to make a decision on Australia, work out Nicky and do some stupid homework about my body.
I wish humans were just heads with wheels. Life and exams would be so much easier.
WEDNESDAY 19TH MAY
7.34 p.m.
I just asked Gran for more of her advice. All she could go on about was how her foot lady is moving and how the new chiropodist has had 2 husbands – both of whom have been in wheelchairs. She kept saying, “I won’t trust her with my feet, Hattie.”
I said, “Gran. Please help me. I can’t decide what to do about Keith.”
Gran said, “Let me have a think about it. I’ll call you later once my ingrown toenail has stopped throbbing.”
8.49 p.m.
Gran rang to give me her advice. Apparently “love can wait” and I will be a “more attractive” woman if I travel the world. HOW DOES THAT WORK?
I can’t even think.
I need to concentrate on my insides. Not feelings – the actual squishy kidneys and stuff.
THURSDAY 20TH MAY
5.23 p.m.
Handed in my stupid work today. Who cares about hormones regulating the function of organs?! Their real role is to make you a total mental. You can’t concentrate on major life decisions!
6.56 p.m.
I’ve decided I have to tell Nicky it’s over. He doesn’t treat me well and he’s NEVER at school. I’ve become a craptaculatar pathetic girl that just wants to make her boyfriend happy. Plus there’s someone else complicating matters. I’m avoiding them both!
FRIDAY 21ST MAY
6.31 p.m.
I have made 2 MAHOOSIVE decisions with the help of Dimple and Jen today.
BIG DECISION 1:
Firstly I have made the decision NOT to finish with Nicky OR go out with him either. I have asked Nicky for space. It’s easy as he is NEVER usually at school or even anywhere near me.
BIG DECISION 2:
I’ve also decided to GO to Australia. Dimple had a month in India and she says she definitely came back thinking how lucky she was and how great her parents were. PLUS it’s better than working in Mum’s cafe over the summer or listening to Gran talk about her “corns”.
7.18 p.m.
Nicky has agreed to give me space. He texted:
OK :-)
NO KISSES?!
8.59 p.m.
Goose just emailed me.
From:
Date: May 21, 8:57:49 PM GMT
To: Hattie Moore
Subject: Are you ok??
Heard about Nicky. I’m here if you need me. xx
Bet Dimple told him.
Oh, Goose.
2 kisses!
You are sweet but you mess my head up SO MUCH.
SATURDAY 22ND MAY
9.01 a.m.
Princess is involved in a relationship with a mangy dog. Mum keeps saying to Gran, “Have you had her done?” Mum is obsessed with accidental pregnancies! Just because she had one!
I am concentrating on Princess’s love life because I can’t think about my own. Mine is too complicated.
SUNDAY 23RD MAY
5.49 p.m.
GREAT!
MGK is coming to Australia because it is full of hot boys. I don’t mean hot as in “too hot” (though they probably are) – I mean hot as in “FIT”. And they wear cut-off T-shirts and stuff.
PLEASE, MGK - DON’T COME. Get something serious but not life-threatening like pneumonia.
6.32 p.m.
Gran says pneumonia is life-threatening.
Weak pneumonia then.
MONDAY 24TH MAY
4.34 p.m.
OMG – Princess has been seen cavorting with Doug the Pug!
Gran has given me the full list of dogs that Princess is involved with:
• Bouncer the Staffy
• Ralph the Dalmatian
• Prince the Terrier
• Dfor the Labrador
• Patch the Staffy
• Ben the ? (no one knows)
7.42 p.m.
NEWS FLASH – Princess is now hanging out with Marmaduke the ginger cat.
She just doesn’t care!
TUESDAY 25TH MAY
4.45 p.m.
Told Keith I am going to come to Australia and he is booking the tickets. I have no idea where he is getting the money from! Perhaps he has busked 24 hours a day and finally created some half-decent clothes. Perhaps he has robbed a bank. LOL!
5.35 p.m.
OMG – hope Gran hasn’t given him any tips on bank robbing. She once said her building society was held up by a man with a cucumber that was disguised as a gun! Perhaps Keith could grow his own weapon in his organic garden – then eat it!
7.04 p.m.
Just found out that because we are under 16 we have to be escorted as unaccompanied minors! I hope this doesn’t mean they give me colouring books. I hope it does mean they give me a bodyguard – like a major celeb. OMG – what if they put me in first class?! Who could I meet?! MGK can stay in economy whilst I talk dresses with MAJOR CELEBS.
7.43 p.m.
Dimple just rang. Her mum’s baby really moved today during a conversation about mortgages. Everybody is taking this as a really good sign. The baby is SUPER intelligent … OR perhaps it just did a massive YAWN.
8.04 p.m.
Asked my mum about when I first moved. She couldn’t remember. “Nathan was a bit of a handful at the time, Hattie.” So I get ignored because my brother is a doughnut? NOTHING has changed.
WEDNESDAY 26TH MAY
4.03 p.m.
Princess has received a death threat – it was pushed through Gran’s door. It said, “Keep your *%*#ing dog inside OR ELSE!” but it was signed by someone called “Petra”. If you’re going to make a threat do it anonymously! It’s why people have usernames, so you can say terrible stuff without people knowing!
5.19 p.m.
I have never done that, BTW. Weirdo Jen says the US government knows what EVERYONE is doing and can trace everything. When they put you in prison they give you your favourite foods to freak you out. If you’ve EVER mentioned you like Big Macs in an email you get them for breakfast and the US government people say, “We heard you like them!” They don’t tell you in a nice way though. They tell you in a “we know what burger you eat and we know you are a terrible person” kind of way.
8.01 p.m.
Just checked my emails. I
’ve never mentioned how much I love KFC anywhere!
8.19 p.m.
If I’m in prison though I will want to have my favourite food every day!
8.53 p.m.
Just emailed Dimple randomly and asked her if she fancied a Bargain Bucket on Saturday.
9.24 p.m.
Dimple says “no”. It doesn’t matter – the US government now know I would like chicken strips for breakfast.
10.12 p.m.
I miss Nicky. I’m writing it here to get it out. I need the space but I miss him.
10.44 p.m.
Can I actually handle space?
THURSDAY 27TH MAY
6.34 p.m.
Gran has gone on the warpath about Princess! She’s rung the police and said she’s had a death threat. The police said, “No – your dog has.” Gran said, “Me and Princess are a team. A threat to her is a threat to me.” The policeman said the law does not recognize canines as having the same rights as humans.
Is Princess a liberated feminist woman in charge of her own sexual destiny or is she just a tart? Perhaps she is just good friends with these dogs?
FRIDAY 28TH MAY
8.12 p.m.
Gran says platonic relationships cannot exist between female and male ANYTHINGS. When I said, “What about Goose and me?!” Gran looked at me for ages like I was doing something wrong. I changed the subject and said that Princess was a modern dog taking charge of her own life and rejecting the constraints of society.
9.03 p.m.
Perhaps she IS just a bit of a tart.
SATURDAY 29TH MAY
10.09 a.m.
Choosing a bikini for Australia starts now! Yes, I have got a million weeks before I go but this is still a major decision. I wish Dimple or Jen could come to Australia. Especially to keep me company on the flight. It’s bad enough going with MGK. What if I get seated next to someone really dull on the other side?
12.34 p.m.
Dimple DID get trapped next to a man on the plane from Delhi who had a collection of airline sick bags. He went through every one of them alphabetically. She said that by Air Canada she was losing the will to live and was asleep by Air Slovakia.
6.28 p.m.
Looked at every bikini EVER on the Net for HOURS. I can’t find 1 I like. I wish you could buy the body with the bikini.
7.34 p.m.
Mum just came up and said, “Forget boys. Forget bikinis. Hattie, if you do well in your exams this year I WILL TAKE YOU SHOPPING and YOU can CHOOSE what you like!”
I WILL TAKE YOU SHOPPING AND YOU CAN CHOOSE WHAT YOU LIKE!
I will start revising tomorrow.
8.04 p.m.
OMG – what if Mum’s entire clothing budget is £5?
8.36 p.m.
Mum has confirmed her budget for me is £100!
£100!!!
That’s more than my ENTIRE wardrobe is worth now, including my school uniform!
SUNDAY 30TH MAY
11.31 a.m.
This year with exams I am going to be completely different. I am going to make an actual revision plan like Dimple and I am going to stick to it like major dorks do.
1.15 p.m.
How can you revise when Jen is on Skype being pee-funny over the fact that cows are the world’s most psychically sensitive animals – that’s why they get mutilated in fields by aliens.
7.12 p.m.
Gran thinks Princess may be pregnant and isn’t sure who the father is! I have some experience of this – not the pregnant bit – MORE YOUNG PEOPLE BEING BORN NOT KNOWING WHO THIER DAD IS! Well not people – puppies. But they have feelings too.
MONDAY 31ST MAY
8.04 a.m.
REVISION PLAN – A PLAN FOR SUCCESS (As Mrs Cob calls it.)
9 a.m. BREAKFAST
10 a.m. Dance/Drama rehearsal (in bedroom or with group at school)
11.15 a.m. Coffee break
11.45 a.m. Resume Dance/Drama
1 p.m. Lunch
2 p.m. Dance/Drama theory
3 p.m. English
3.10 p.m. History
3.20 p.m. Science
3.30 p.m. Maths
3.35 p.m. Break
3.40 p.m. French
3.50 p.m. Geography
4 p.m. FINISHED!!!
TUESDAY 1ST JUNE
7.49 a.m.
I am sticking to my revision plan today. I have told everyone I am NOT HERE. I’ve just turned my mobile to silent. I feel sick doing it but IT IS my future. I’m worried about Dance/Drama. It’s my most important subject and our play is all about “conflict” – domestic arguments and wars between countries. We’re struggling with only having 6 people in it. It’s easy to do a performance of a couple arguing but not so easy to represent thousands of men in a battle with big guns.
WEDNESDAY 2ND JUNE
4.39 p.m.
In our group Dance/Drama rehearsal today Dibbo Hannah dropped the chair that represented conflict. It fell brilliantly and I shouted, “WAR!” Everyone thought this was fantastic and we are going to add it to the entire performance. We have also worked out how to give a feeling of more people. Each of us is going to wear a hat with a face on it during the battle scenes. That will make the stage feel more “alive”.
THURSDAY 3RD JUNE
4.43 p.m.
I have stuck to my revision plan – even Mum came up and said, “I am so proud of you, Hattie. I could never manage to revise!”
There is no way I can fail! I have fully revised everything that it’s possible to revise, I think.
7.29 p.m.
Is Mum being so nice to me because she’s worried that Keith is making such an effort by paying for me to go over?
Perhaps that’s the worst thing I’ve ever thought.
8.19 p.m.
Perhaps it’s true.
8.34 p.m.
No, it’s one of the worst things I’ve ever thought.
8.53 p.m.
Mum just looked at my revision plan and thought it might be “a bit Dance/Drama heavy”. Dear Mum – are you doing my life? No. Please go away.
9.59 p.m.
Just been making my Dance/Drama hat. It’s pretty spooky but really good. I look like I have a massive soldier towering over me.
FRIDAY 4TH JUNE
7.01 p.m.
FULL Dance/Drama group rehearsal!
Dibbo Hannah misheard what we said about making a hat with a face on it. She has made a TANK! I think she looks RIDICULOUS! It looks like a really rubbish papier mâché Dalek. Everyone else though agreed with Becca that it added “depth” to the battlefield scene. So it’s staying!
SATURDAY 5TH JUNE
5.21 p.m.
I have stuck to my revision timetable today but I spent most of my Dance/Drama time getting really cross about Dibbo Hannah’s stupid tank. How can other people think that is good?! Not one person mentioned how REAL my hat soldier looked. I gave him wrinkles and everything! Perhaps I should make something that adds something “more”.
I am making a machine-gun hat.
SUNDAY 6TH JUNE
12.22 p.m.
I can’t get a machine gun to work so I’ve made it into a missile.
4.19 p.m.
Mum couldn’t work out what my missile was and said it looked a “bit odd”. Mum, though, hasn’t got much of an imagination so you can’t really count her opinion.
MONDAY 7TH JUNE
5.12 p.m.
Becca and Jade have made missile hats too. We have agreed to hold our “missile” hats in our hands as we walk and put our “people” hats on our heads. It’s going to look BIG.
TUESDAY 8TH JUNE
7.45 p.m.
FINAL DRESS REHERSAL.
It seemed to go really well. I think once we get the hang of holding our hats and having them on our heads too we’ll be fine!
WEDNESDAY 9TH JUNE
5.12 p.m.
ACTUAL PERFORMANCE OF BATTLES – HOME AND AWAY.
It went OK except for the following – minor – poin
ts:
• Dibbo Hannah forgot to drop the chair representing conflict so I just shouted “WAR” randomly.