by Rae Earl
• When Clare was meant to shout, “You’re not my dad!” during the domestic argument scene she yelled, “You’re not my dog!” – and giggled.
• I slipped on a script that Hannah had left on the floor but I think I made it look like I’d been shot. A bit.
• Jade got really nervous and forgot her lines. Instead of saying, “War is the very worst that mankind has to offer. It is tears and bloodshed for NOTHING!” she said, “War’s a bit bad really.”
• Dibbo Hannah cannot hold and wear a hat at the same time.
• Nor can Becca or Jade.
• Or me. Must be a missile thing. And a Dibbo Hannah thing.
I think we’ll get at least a “B” though – everyone does!
THURSDAY 10TH JUNE
3.42 p.m.
History.
Since when did we study Russia?! I know lots about Germany.
I think I might have put a bit too much time into Dance/Drama.
FRIDAY 11TH JUNE
4.39 p.m.
Geography.
Erosional landforms?!!
Dimple was writing like mad. She says erosional landforms are different to depositional landforms.
I have definitely put too much time into Dance/Drama.
7.31 p.m.
YES!!! I got fold mountains right.
SATURDAY 12TH JUNE
9.12 a.m.
I am FULL-ON revising today.
I am now officially determined to be AMAZING at French, Maths, Science and English.
It’s just to get some decent clothes, not to be a total geek.
7.45 p.m.
LOL! Gran saw MGK buying swimwear in Debenhams today. Gran said, “I know she’s tiny but she was picking way too small sizes. Her backside looked like a gorge with a tiny hammock strung over it.”
YES!!! MGK will look STUPID!
8.13 p.m.
Or like a beach queen of hotness in hardly anything.
SUNDAY 13TH JUNE
7.44 p.m.
Dear Charlotte Brontë – Jane Eyre is depressing and Mr Rochester sounds horrible. I’ve been out with a moody boy with secrets and it’s no fun. Oh, and thanks for letting Helen die of coughing. I actually liked her.
MONDAY 14TH JUNE
6.34 p.m.
English and French! I may have done slightly well actually. I worked out what Raoul and his monkey wanted to do in the French listening test! They both wanted to go marching. Perhaps it’s a French army thing.
7.01 p.m.
Jen says it wasn’t marching. It’s WALKING! It sounded like marching.
7.29 p.m.
Why was a monkey going walking anyway?! Raoul must be a weirdo.
TUESDAY 15TH JUNE
4.12 p.m.
Science and Maths.
I may have done very badly. I don’t understand redshift.
7.35 p.m.
If the Big Bang and the Universe is still expanding, how do we know that we won’t expand till we snap?
7.59 p.m.
It’s depressing that the Earth may twang and break like an elastic band but at least no one would care about my exam results then!
8.10 p.m.
Except Mum. She’d find a way to nag me from the nothingness of space! LOL!
EXAMS FINISHED –
WEDNESDAY 16TH JUNE
4.21 p.m.
UNBELIEVABLE!
They are MAKING US GO IN FOR PE on Monday. Why do we HAVE to do PE when we have finished our exams and basically everything else?! We are doing easy stuff in other lessons. It’s so UNFAIR. Mrs Cob and Matfield say it’s good for our brains but why is swimming doing anything except giving us massive shoulders and smaller breasts?!
THURSDAY 17TH JUNE
6.23 p.m.
MAGNIFICENT PLAN AHOY!
Today Becca said we should totally all pretend to be ill to get off swimming. I said, “THAT is a GENIUS idea! Shall we all rush to the toilet?” Jade thought that was rubbish and it would be far better to pretend to faint all at the same time. A FLASH MOB FAINT! It’s like synchronized swimming but formation fainting! It’s like a flash mob but we don’t dance – we just fall over! I think we can totally do it. They will stop the lesson immediately and they might ban PE totally for health and safety reasons!
We are agreed that we are going to do it on Monday. As soon as Jade says, “I feel a bit funny”, we’re all going to fall down just outside the pool. We need to be hardened up so we don’t break anything.
FRIDAY 18TH JUNE
4.02 p.m.
We had a practice today on the crash mats in the gym. We can pretend to faint brilliantly. Not laughing afterwards is hard but if we can keep that up PE will be gone for ever!
SATURDAY 19TH JUNE
2.32 p.m.
Dimple says swimming actually helps to keep breasts in shape and “uplifted” by working the chest muscles. Then she said, “Breast stroke, Hattie?” like I was Dibbo Hannah. She’s not taking part. It’s “not fair” on her mum to think Dimple might be ill. AGAIN Dimple puts family before her mates who need her to pretend she might be dead to stop unfair treatment of students!
I’ll let her off though because I love her and her dad does shout VERY loud.
SUNDAY 20TH JUNE
10.32 a.m.
Weirdo Jen has texted us all to say we should think of death as we faint and that will stop us laughing.
11.15 a.m.
Just tried it. I still laughed.
2.13 p.m.
I won’t tomorrow though. I will be deadly serious.
MONDAY 21ST JUNE
FLASH MOB FAINT!
5.31 p.m.
It went so well that the PE teacher thought there had been a chlorine leak and rang some ambulances and the fire brigade. Why do they have a deadly gas thing making the swimming pool cleaner?!
When the ambulance men came to prod us Dibbo Hannah felt guilty, started to cry and said, “We are just pretending.”
We all have to see Mrs Cob tomorrow.
I miss Nicky at times like this the MOST. He understands trouble.
TUESDAY 22ND JUNE
5.32 p.m.
OMG – Mrs Cob went more MENTAL than I’ve ever seen a person go MENTAL before. She started going on about, “Wasting the time of our brave emergency services.” Then she said, “I need to show the rest of the school how despicable this prank was. So I’M BANNING YOU FROM THE PROM.”
BANNED FROM THE PROM?
BANNED?
WE ARE BANNED FROM THE PROM. The one actually decent thing school DO!
WEDNESDAY 23RD JUNE
3.58 p.m.
Exam Results!
A “D”?!!
Apparently we were “a bit of a shambles and unintentionally comedic”.
Whatever. Who cares? I’m banned from the prom.
5.02 p.m.
Mum is pleased with my exam results. In fact she is so pleased that she wants to buy me a dress for the prom. I told her I’m not going. She laughed and said, “Don’t be silly!” I said I was totally serious and I just didn’t fancy it.
7.11 p.m.
Mum has found out from Weirdo Jen’s mum the real reason why we are not going to the prom. She says she doesn’t have to punish me as I have had the worst punishment possible.
She is right.
THURSDAY 24TH JUNE
6.23 p.m.
MGK is apparently helping to organize the prom on a specially set-up student committee.
The school have TOTALLY set it up to make our punishment WORSE.
I even heard MGK ordering her car for the prom at school today.
I really honestly hate her and her stretch limo in classic black not “chav hen-night pink”.
FRIDAY 25TH JUNE
8.02 p.m.
Found out from Weirdo Jen that we are now known as “The Prom Rejects”.
I am a Prom Reject.
In 30 years’ time, when everyone is talking about school, that will STILL be what I’m remembered for. It’s lik
e a scar. And not a cool one either.
SATURDAY 26TH JUNE
2.35 p.m.
I haven’t shaved for 5 days. What’s the point? I can have hairy legs. Everyone will be too busy a) preparing for the prom, b) actually at the prom, to notice I’ve turned into a gorilla.
SUNDAY 27TH JUNE
10.21 a.m.
Message from Nicky:
I’m not going to the prom either! Shall we meet up?
Dear Nicky – you have barely been to school your entire life. Go away! Love, Hattie.
I didn’t say that. I just ignored the message.
6.12 p.m.
Goose is still going to the prom. Probably with a girl in a really amazeballs dress.
I might go round and say I need him on prom night.
No – that’s not fair. He didn’t do something STUPID.
MONDAY 28TH JUNE
7.18 p.m.
YES!!!
You can’t keep brilliant people down!
The Prom Rejects are having their own party at Jen’s house on Friday. We are calling it the WRONG PROM. Even people going to the REAL prom have admitted it sounds really cool. We are going to eat what we want, drink what we want, dance like nutters and DO WHAT WE WANT!
TUESDAY 29TH JUNE
4.03 p.m.
Who actually wants to go to a thing AT school organized BY school?! Matfield will be there!
Dimple is NOT going to the prom – she is coming to Jen’s! She said she’d rather be with her best mates. YES – Dimple would rather be at THE COOLEST party this Friday.
MGK has bought the most gorgeous dress ever. REALLY glad I’m not going.
WEDNESDAY 30TH JUNE
5.09 p.m.
Just asked Mum if I can get a limo to Jen’s house on Friday.
She said, “Sod off! Rob can take you and put the back seats down to make it feel more spacious!”
Thanks.
THURSDAY 1ST JULY
4.03 p.m.
We have all agreed that tomorrow we are just going to go casual to Jen’s house. We don’t need to glam up to feel amazing!
FRIDAY 2ND JULY
5.02 p.m.
It was hard seeing everyone really excited today but I know we are going to have an AMAZING night tonight. We don’t need Mrs Cob and MGK to organize our fun! We can have a REAL laugh at the Wrong Prom!
11.19 p.m.
Had a Chinese. Watched a DVD.
At 10.12 p.m. Dimple said, “Shall we call it a night then?” and everybody said, “YES.”
Came home.
I’m not happy.
11.46 p.m.
Goose just got in and he was laughing on the phone. I banged the wall. He shut up.
SATURDAY 3RD JULY
8.49 a.m.
Apparently the prom was amazing. Unbelievable. The best night ever and the photos on Facebook look…
They look GLAM-FABULOUS.
9.44 a.m.
OMG – there’s a photo of Matfield doing the conga. She’s laughing.
It’s 9.45 a.m. and I’m going to bed again. Goodnight.
4.09 p.m.
I went to see Gran this afternoon. She said I should just get over it. “They had a good night, Hattie – you didn’t. That’s how it goes sometimes. Sometimes you win the jackpot. Sometimes you don’t even get a line. Life is a lot like bingo.” Then she gave me 10 quid for doing well in my exams.
I feel better. The prom will be forgotten by tomorrow.
SUNDAY 4TH JULY
10.36 a.m.
Dimple said that Kate Friars tried to snog Tom Lacey at the prom – and SNEEZED instead. There’s a film of it going round. Even Kate thinks it is LOL!
The prom will probably be forgotten by about Wednesday.
9.35 p.m.
FULL DRAMA!
Dimple’s mum used a birthing ball as a space hopper bouncing toy at the antenatal class this afternoon and was admitted to hospital. Dimple says she’s usually so sensible but this pregnancy has made her go mental. Last week she spent 2 days in her pyjamas watching the box set of Downton Abbey with the TV on mute and old ’80s albums on. Apparently she started crying during a song called “True” by Spanx Ballet or something.
10.14 p.m.
Spandau Ballet. Spanx is what she needs after giving birth. Mum says your belly is never right again. I know that, Mum. I’ve seen Gran. She’s like a massive deflated balloon after a party.
A hairy massive deflated balloon. She doesn’t even have Brazilians any more. The college where she had it done cheaply stopped doing them. Apparently they had a record number of people leaving last year in the middle of the course. I wonder why! LOL!
MONDAY 5TH JULY
6.23 p.m.
Mum says my exam results are good enough for a CLOTHES BINGE! I’m a bit worried she will want me to buy a full-body burka swimsuit. She’ll pretend it’s to shield me from the sun but it’s actually to shield me from boys.
TUESDAY 6TH JULY
7.25 p.m.
Gran has crocheted me a bikini.
Mum is going to use it as a tea towel. She’ll hide it when Gran comes round.
WEDNESDAY 7TH JULY
11.21 a.m.
Mum has asked me to make a list of clothes I need for Australia. I am compiling it today with the help of Dimple.
At the moment it is:
1. A very brilliant bikini that makes me Queen Gorgeousness.
THURSDAY 8TH JULY
1.01 p.m.
My brother has given me a book about dangerous Australian animals! There’s an OCTOPUS that can KILL you and you don’t even know it’s stung you till you are actually dead! Scary!
3.21 p.m.
MY CLOTHING LIST:
1. 6 bikinis
2. 2 cut-out swimsuits
3. A wetsuit
4. 2 pairs of sunglasses
5. 4 halter necks
6. 3 vintage-style dresses
7. 4 pairs of skinny jeans
8. 5 pairs of shorts
9. A boogie board
10. An inflatable boat
It’s probably better to get the boogie board and the inflatable boat in Australia.
FRIDAY 9TH JULY
9.13 a.m.
MGK has tweeted that sun and salt water make your hair really dry and can be prematurely ageing.
She knows I want to go sailing and surfing in Australia. She tries to ruin everything by threatening beauty DOOM. Bet she’s lying!
10.24 a.m.
No – I’ve googled it. She’s right! Perhaps she was trying to actually HELP me!
10.49 a.m.
No. She wasn’t. She was just showing off her glam knowledge.
11.29 a.m.
I think I’d rather have a laugh and worry about the wrinkles later.
OMG – I am now naturally feminist and often think brilliantly without trying!
4.03 p.m.
Someone has made a YouTube prom photo compilation.
The prom will NEVER be forgotten.
SATURDAY 10TH JULY
4.55 p.m.
SHOPPING DAY!
Mum had a totally predictable meltdown over EVERY bikini I liked. She said they were too revealing! Eventually I said, “No problem, Mum – I will go nude. It’s the only way to get an all-over tan.”
After I said THAT we finally found one that she thought was “appropriate”!
5.49 p.m.
Just want to say I would NEVER go nude in real life. I can stuff a bikini full of Plenty kitchen towel to give me more boob if I’m desperate. I’ve tried it before.
6.39 p.m.
Trouble is Plenty would try to soak up half the sea – I’d end up with soggy, uneven double-Fs.
7.04 p.m.
OMG – DOUBLE-Fs WOULD BE AMAZEBALLS!
SUNDAY 11TH JULY
1.48 p.m.
I have looked through the full list of Australian killer creatures that Nathan gave me. I shall not be going to the beach, the bush, near any trees, long grass or sheds. Or ne
ar water. Except taps.