by Rae Earl
2.36 p.m.
Apparently Tasmania has fewer killer things than most other killer places but there are still killer things everywhere. There’s even something called a devil!
MONDAY 12TH JULY
6.32 p.m.
Mum has come home with another decent bikini. It’s really sweet of her but I told her not to worry as I’ll not be wearing it due to death creatures.
TUESDAY 13TH JULY
3.36 p.m.
OMG – our summer is winter in Australia. That is mental! What is even more mental is that Tasmania gets ANTARCTIC blasts. I don’t need to be buying swimwear. I need a suit of armour and a massive jumper.
5.11 p.m.
Even the cute things seem to have massive teeth in Australia. They need my dentist – I’m seeing him tomorrow for a brace update.
Please don’t let my mouth set off the security alarms at the airport. MGK will spread it EVERYWHERE.
WEDNESDAY 14TH JULY
4.35 p.m.
My teeth have moved back!!! Mr Winkler said I was “very disciplined and patient”. YES!!! Can you hear him, Mum?! I have to keep the brace on but I’ve made “great progress”.
I saw MGK coming out of the dentist. It’s like she waits till something good happens so she can RUIN it! She says my teeth do not look any different after months of wearing my brace. “That’s odd,” I said, “because despite years of wearing a Wonderbra your boobs don’t look any different either!” LOL! I win!
THURSDAY 15TH JULY
12.19 p.m.
MGK is spreading it that I am a boob-watcher. And seriously, they are suggesting that I spend 26 hours NEXT to this person on a plane?
FRIDAY 16TH JULY
2.49 p.m.
MGK is also telling everyone she is going to be upgraded to first class – she is turning up to the airport in her designer gear. Apparently Prada gets you immediately into the celebrity lounge.
Genuinely I would prefer to be on the WING of the aeroplane – rather than next to MGK in ANY class.
SATURDAY 17TH JULY
2.25 p.m.
I am now ready to go to Australia or die in a horrific plane crash. Why do I watch Air Crash Investigation?
6.23 p.m.
OMG – just got a text from Nicky!
Hats, Miss ya. Have a great time in Oz. Don’t die by being bitten by crazy stuff. See you PLEASE, PLEASE for snogs when you get back. NXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
1. Please, please…
2. So many kisses it’s actually difficult to count.
Dreading saying goodbye to Gran tonight.
8.48 p.m.
Gran and me just cried. She said, “Skype me when you can. I don’t tell you but you’re my best friend.”
9.01 p.m.
Just cried again.
9.34 p.m.
Just rang Dimple and Jen. They cried. I told them they HAD to keep me up-to-date on ANY gossip.
I’ve been trying to see Goose but he’s always out at the moment. I feel I should say goodbye. We aren’t as close as we used to be. Or are we? I don’t even know any more.
9.52 p.m.
Rob just cried. Mum just cried. I cried. AGAIN.
10.02 p.m.
Nathan said, “See ya!”
PURE evil. PURE lazy evil.
10.17 p.m.
Mum just came up and said through sobbing, “Your brother can’t help it, Hattie. He feels rejected.”
Er, Mum – HE rejected Keith! Keith did try. He rescued a sausage.
SUNDAY 18TH JULY
I don’t even know what time it is!
MGK did not get upgraded. She started shouting at the airline man then looked at me and said, “DON’T TALK TO ME UNLESS YOU HAVE TO.”
I am on a plane squashed between MGK and the most boring couple known to the world. The guy and his wife started telling me exactly how Tesco’s in Crawley works. Apparently they think this is more interesting than the 100 films on the plane’s entertainment system. I DON’T CARE HOW YOGHURTS get distributed. I want to see Taylor Lautner in the buff!
I think it’s 6.45 p.m. but it might be 6.45 a.m.
Just landed in Bangkok. The boring couple got off. Please don’t let them meet many Thai people. They will think all British people are dull. Weirdo Jen said to be careful of people trying to plant drugs on you. But Gran has sewn up my pockets, so I’m fine.
Why do they always seat our row last?
AUSTRALIA AT LAST!
When we landed an Australian Customs man asked if we had brought any food, wine, fauna, eggs and dairy products in as Australia is a “unique ecological space that we wish to protect from ravaging pests and other environmental disasters”.
We both said, “No.”
The Customs dog went completely mad at MGK’s bag and she looked really guilty. I looked at her and said, “What have you done?!” She said, “NOTHING.” Anyway we were dragged over to a special table and this man rifled through ALL her clothes until he found a Waitrose carrier bag full of FOOD.
MGK had only sneaked some diet yoghurts and some Yakults in because she “didn’t know if Australia did them or not” and she needed them to be sure that she “maintained her good figure” and “didn’t bloat”.
The Australian man said, “So let’s get this straight: you not fitting in your jeans is more important than bringing foot-and-mouth disease into the country, resulting in the slaughtering of millions of Australian cattle?”
MGK didn’t apologize – she just said, “I think you’re overreacting a bit.”
The Customs official just stared at her and said, “If you were an adult we would fine you – you’re lucky you’re just a girl!”
“Just a girl!” – LOL! For MGK this is the worst punishment ever.
My bag didn’t arrive. We waited for ages near the conveyor belt then Keith and his hippy girlfriend met us. She smells of soup but seems really nice. Apparently my luggage is in Bangkok. The boring couple are probably telling my suitcase about the best-before dates on bread.
OMG – what day is it? Today has gone. It’s like Doctor Who.
MONDAY 19TH JULY
10.23 a.m.
Keith’s girlfriend offered to lend me some of her clothes. I now smell of soup too. We are sight-seeing tomorrow. I just want to sight-see my bed.
10.41 a.m.
OMG – Keith’s girlfriend’s name is Butterfly.
11.05 a.m.
She was born Tracey though – she had a renaming ceremony when she was reborn. In a forest.
12.34 p.m.
Keith had a renaming ceremony – he didn’t tell us because he thought it would freak us out. His name here isn’t Keith – it’s Storm.
He is right. It would have freaked us out!
Me and MGK tried not to laugh.
To be fair even Keith did laugh a bit till Butterfly/Tracey said, “There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Storm.”
THIS MADE MGK and ME COLLAPSE WITH GIGGLES. Keith didn’t say anything – just smiled. He actually seems really pleased to have us here.
TUESDAY 20TH JULY
8.32 a.m.
I’ve been asleep all night!
OMG – it’s 8.32 p.m. not a.m!
Keith has just been in and told me the time. They said I looked so peaceful they didn’t want to wake me up.
And I’m STILL tired.
Tasmania is mad from the window. It looks like Jurassic Park but without the dinosaurs. It’s not like the Peak District at all. There are these massive plants and ferns everywhere and it smells like a massive cough sweet. Keith says this is because of the eucalyptus in the trees. It’s the most foreign place I’ve ever been to. It’s like landing in prehistoric Britain but with really nice houses and a massive casino.
Keith and Butterfly’s house is the ultimate in shabby chic. MGK says it’s actually just shabby but as usual she is being a tremendous cow bag. There are lots of wood thingies, armchairs with mad patches of fabric on them and compost bins everywhere. It’s very … homely.
> OK, it is a bit shabby but they’ve made our bedroom look really nice. Our bedroom. We are sharing. MGK was more horrified at this than me. She has her own walk-in wardrobe, remember. Now she has a walk-in clothes rail. LOL!
WEDNESDAY 21ST JULY
11.56 a.m.
I just heard MGK telling Butterfly and Keith that I should have put my body on to Australian time like SHE did.
I can’t help needing sleep.
Keith has put the Internet in specially so we can Skype.
Thanks, Keith, but right now I don’t want to speak to anyone unless I’m dreaming about them.
7.35 p.m.
Just dreamt about Goose. All his teeth had fallen out and I was trying to fix them back in with Blu-Tack.
He looked really good in the dream. Even with saggy gums.
Perhaps I should email him to check he is cleaning them for 2 minutes twice a day.
Perhaps I should get an actual life instead and stop thinking about Goose head-mess fest.
THURSDAY 22ND JULY
2.32 a.m.
According to MGK, I SNORE. She says she just had to turn me over to stop me “making a noise like a pig”. I’d better tweet that I do not snore before she tweets that I do!
OMG – my phone doesn’t work here! Apparently because I’m “pay as you go” I need a new SIM card.
6.35 p.m.
MGK DOES have a phone that works here. There you go, Mum – now the whole world knows I make snorting noises because you are too tight-fisted to pay for an iPhone with global roaming!
6.49 p.m.
To be fair I don’t know if MGK has tweeted that I snore yet.
FRIDAY 23RD JULY
10.37 a.m.
I HAVE A SIM CARD!!!
11.01 a.m.
MGK has NOT tweeted that I snore yet. Perhaps she’s frightened I will tell people her secrets.
I haven’t found out any yet but it’s only a matter of time.
1.35 p.m.
OMG – they’ve arranged a welcome party for us! It’s a green party.
7.35 p.m.
WEIRDO JEN, WHERE ARE YOU? YOU’D LOVE ALL THIS!
All the food was from their garden and everything had peas in it. They have a really boring artist friend called “M” who just went on about his art and himself and the fact he hasn’t got a girlfriend (surprise!) because women affect his productive vibe.
Then all these women arrived from Butterfly’s creative poetry group. None of them wear make-up but they look quite good. They were talking about the death of trees and global warming. They sounded like Weirdo Jen before we tell her to give it a rest! Basically we are all going to die unless we go vegan and ban plastic and mobile phones.
MGK and me agreed – we will die without a mobile anyway. What about emergencies?!
9.54 p.m.
OMG – MGK and me actually AGREE on something!
SATURDAY 24TH JULY
7.32 a.m.
I’ve just watched Butterfly try to wash up with really rubbish eco washing-up liquid. It apparently “helps the seas”.
7.51 a.m.
I just Skyped Gran. She thinks if we have to use eco washing-up liquid dolphins should be trained to help her wash up. She thinks they could do it with a rubber glove attached to the end of their nose! LOL!
8.48 a.m.
Told Butterfly about Gran. Butterfly does NOT believe in training animals to do anything and would never commit a dolphin to domestic slavery. In fact she once got arrested for trying to free one of the beagles that sniff for illegal stuff at the airport. She particularly hated the fact that the dog was in a special jacket with its name on. Butterfly said, “It’s a dog not a policeman – it should be smelling for its own pleasure!”
I said, “Butterfly, I was only joking. A rubber glove would fall off a dolphin’s nose unless you used elastic bands!” She’s really sweet but she takes everything very seriously. She said dolphins have been abused for too long.
How can jumping through a hoop and getting a treat and a round of applause be abuse?
10.34 p.m.
Butterfly showed me a book where dolphins had been militarily trained. She thinks they will eventually take over the world when “mankind has destroyed itself”. Not very cheerful!
SUNDAY 25TH JULY
7.35 p.m.
I’ve realized that when people swim with dolphins at Disneyland the dolphins are just taking notes on humans. They will know all our weak points and make us do tricks eventually.
8.13 p.m.
I explained to MGK about it. She doesn’t like dolphins because supermodel Tyra Banks has a phobia of them and apparently, “What Tyra says goes!”
MGK then tried to teach me to “smize”. This is what models do – they smile with their eyes. MGK can do it brilliantly. I just look like I’ve had a nasty shock. MGK told me to do it every day in the mirror and I will NEVER look bad in photos ever again.
9.23 p.m.
Keith and Butterfly use craptacular washing powder. I have to go to a laundrette tomorrow as I have no clothes thanks to my lost luggage. I have to use chemicals. I can’t live in the Stone Age. I have grown up with Gran – Queen of Stain Removal and fantastic washing that is always really soft!
MONDAY 26TH JULY
5.31 p.m.
OMG – there was the fittest boy in the laundrette today. He was waiting for his pants to dry – that’s what Australians call trousers. It was really hot in the laundrette and I was sweating in a jumper. This boy could see me sweating and he looked at my feet and asked me if I’d brought my thongs. I thought, OMG – he wants me! But thongs are Australian for flip-flops. I think he liked me though because he did wink at me. He told me he loved my accent – especially the way I said “bus”. I am making sure I come to this laundrette every day!
7.35 p.m.
Keith’s boring friend “M” is here. He’s telling Keith and Butterfly that he had been eating lots of keenwah (?) and could probably outrun a tsunami if he had to. I hope he can’t.
8.10 p.m.
Keenwah is spelt “quinoa”. I googled it for about 20 minutes before MGK told me. It’s a super food. She eats it regularly. Of course she does. Why can’t she just eat lasagne and chips like the rest of us?!
TUESDAY 27TH JULY
3.01 p.m.
Keith/Storm (what do we call him?) has suggested we go camping at the weekend as it would be good to “get” with nature and have the opportunity to “bond”. Butterfly is going to make us a vegan meatloaf. I had a bite of it before – it’s a bit like eating cornflakes and nuts. MGK smiled at Butterfly but behind her back she started to make really bad vom faces. It was actually LOL!
WEDNESDAY 28TH JULY
11.03 a.m.
Nicky has messaged me:
Did you get there OK?
I’m not even answering.
1. NO KISSES AND I’M 10,500 miles away.
2. Obviously, I did, Nicky. You would have heard about it on the news by now if I hadn’t.
12.46 p.m.
I just asked MGK about Nicky. She looked at me for ages then said, “You totally went mental over him. I don’t know why. You look good and you’re all right.”
You’re all right?!
Perhaps her jet lag has just hit.
4.32 p.m.
Keith is very excited about camping. We are not.
THURSDAY 29TH JULY
6.29 p.m.
Me and MGK went shopping today for some camping gear. I helped MGK buy some tracksuit bottoms as she would not normally be seen dead in them even if they were “Juicy Couture”. When she tried them on when we got home she thanked me and said they didn’t look too bad. When I told her she looks good in most things she said, “Says the girl who’s got a figure like a model.” I shouted, “Yeah – skinny, no tits.” Then she looked at me DEAD SERIOUS and said, “No – athletic and would probably look good in an all-in-one jumpsuit.”
I really, really don’t think she was being sarcastic.
FRIDAY 30TH JULY
12.53 p.m.
OMG – reading back on this I think there are some times when MGK may be OK. MAY be OK. Actually there are flashes of really quite lovely.
It can’t be jet lag now. OMG – perhaps it’s a long-haul thrombosis blood clot!
SATURDAY 31ST JULY
7.29 p.m.
CAMPING – this is hell. MGK and I agree. You cannot use straighteners in a tent. No TV. No Internet. Even 3G doesn’t work. It’s like Gran’s childhood without meat AND with the threat of snakes. I keep seeing massive spiders out of the corner of my eye when it’s just a bit of sleeping bag and a hairbrush.