by Rae Earl
7.32 p.m.
Email from Keith and Butterfly. It just said:
From:
Date: September 26, 2:32:08 AM GMT
To: Hattie Moore
Subject: Now that you’re back
How’s it going, Hattie?
So I replied:
From: Hattie Moore
Date: September 27, 7:25:19 PM GMT
To:
Subject: Re: Now that you’re back
Fine, thanks. Thank you for a lovely holiday and for being so welcoming. Ruby and me are even sort of getting on and I am going out with a lovely boy called Nicky!
That’s it!
I didn’t say what I’m really feeling. I don’t even want to write it.
TUESDAY 28TH SEPTEMBER
4.32 p.m.
OMG – Mrs Cob’s car was tagged at lunchtime! Everyone knows it’s Nicky but no one is dobbing him in. He is a school LEGEND now. I am going out with the coolest boy that ever lived. Only geeks were weird about it. Geeks like Goose. Goose said, “But Cobsy is all right! Why is he being horrible to her?!” I told Goose she is a teacher and therefore the enemy. Goose thinks I’ve become really immature since I’ve been with Nicky. No, Goose – since I’ve been with Nicky I’ve actually GOT A LIFE.
WEDNESDAY 29TH SEPTEMBER
3.17 p.m.
Dimple’s mum has asked me and Weirdo Jen to babysit on Saturday as she desperately needs some sleep. Things must be bad if Dimple’s dad has officially unbanned Jen from the Rathods’ house. He once described her as “a very dangerous girl who messes with dark powers and talks total rubbish”. Now she is allowed to look after his only son. Tiredness drives people totally mental. I’m going to make sure I have mahoosive lie-ins ALL my life.
THURSDAY 30TH SEPTEMBER
4.40 p.m.
Jen and me read up on babies after school and what they need.
Babies basically need EVERYTHING ALL of the time!
7.27 p.m.
Nicky and me ended up at Peartree Station again tonight. We mainly snogged. Nicky kept talking about how he could only stay out for an hour as he had to babysit. I asked him if he wanted to go round Dimple’s house on Saturday. He said he didn’t because he was sick of kids by the weekend and just wanted to have a laugh. How selfish can you get?!
FRIDAY 1ST OCTOBER
4.07 p.m.
OMG – we’ve had more sex education at school! I knew MOST stuff but I had NO idea about the full details of babies and birth. Why do they let people go through it?! Why don’t they cure birth?! They say it’s natural – but so is swine flu!
7.45 p.m.
Gran thinks you should practise putting a condom on a gherkin – people say a cucumber but Gran says that’s unrealistic for 99.9% of men!
TMI, Gran. TMI.
9.01 p.m.
Nicky has decided to come to help babysit tomorrow after all. It will be good for him to spend time with Dimple and Jen as they are going to be my bridesmaids.
9.17 p.m.
Not that I am definitely going to get married.
9.25 p.m.
And if I do, I am keeping my name.
9.54 p.m.
No, I’m not! I HATE it.
SATURDAY 2ND OCTOBER
10.21 p.m.
Things I have learnt tonight:
• When your best friends are there too you can’t really snog your boyfriend.
• You will end up having girl conversations.
• Your boyfriend will end up getting bored and going “for a tag”.
Amitabh cried solidly for hours. He was only happy when we put Sky News on and there was a war on somewhere. There was gunfire, bombs and lots of flashing and he loved it.
You can’t do anything with a baby crying. No wonder Nicky wants to get out of his house! At one stage I gave baby formula to Dimple’s cat. TOTAL DISASTER!
11.05 p.m.
Just want to say though I was never going to give Amitabh Whiskas Senior.
Weirdo Jen thinks that Amitabh may have been a freedom fighter in a past life.
11.23 p.m.
Gran says that “freedom fighter” and “terrorist” are often the same thing.
SUNDAY 3RD OCTOBER
5.23 p.m.
Dimple’s mum has said to Gran that the supermarket probably needs her more and she doesn’t want to drag her away from manning the lottery and managing people’s dreams. So Gran is going to just “help out” when she can.
No wonder Mum is such a mess and ALWAYS asleep. She didn’t stand a chance with Gran!
6.20 p.m.
I wonder what will happen to Nicky when he’s older. He comes from a bit of TOTAL MADNESS. No wonder he’s a bit moody now.
8.29 p.m.
Dimple called to say that Amitabh fell asleep on his baby gym whilst Mrs Rathod was doing her post-birth yoga. She left him on top of a mini lion that played “Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star” for 3 hours. Dimple said by the end she was slightly mental and put the electric kettle on the gas hob to make a cup of tea. I think Amitabh has a mad look in his eye.
Boys. Men. Males. They cause trouble from the moment they open their actual eyes!
MONDAY 4TH OCTOBER
4.32 p.m.
Apparently Ruby has had the worst outbreak of zits ever – her mum is taking her to a spot specialist. I feel dead sorry for her. I texted her and told her that they would soon clear up. That was a lie though. Some people can have really bad acne for YEARS. Sometimes you have to lie to protect people from the hurtful truth.
5.34 p.m.
THAT sounds like my MUM. And how she “protected” me for all those years. I am doomed.
TUESDAY 5TH OCTOBER
5.29 p.m.
OMG – Ruby said to her mum that she felt ugly and she didn’t want to go to school AND HER MUM LET HER OFF!
WEDNESDAY 6TH OCTOBER
7.39 a.m.
I told my mum I felt ugly. She said, “You’ll feel better at school. There’re uglier people than you there.”
Thanks for your sympathy, Mum.
Why can’t I have a thick, soft mum?!
THURSDAY 7TH OCTOBER
6.39 p.m.
RUMOURS GOING ROUND SCHOOL THAT I AM NOT GOING TO TELL RUBY:
• MGK (everyone still calls her that) is having laser treatment that is costing 3 GRAND!!!
• MGK got called by Boots – they want to put her in an advert for their new skin treatment.
• MGK is going to the health farm where all the celebrities go to recuperate from the stress that is causing her zits.
• MGK can never eat chocolate again or she will turn into 1 massive spot that can never be cured. Literally 1 Mars bar could kill her.
FRIDAY 8TH OCTOBER
7.38 p.m.
Ruby came back to school today and I TOTALLY HAD A GO AT THE SEEMINGLY SWEET AND LOVELY MEGAN FENTON.
Apparently Megan Fenton told Dibbo Hannah that Ruby is going out trick-or-treating as herself AND that she has asked for her school photos to be airbrushed in future.
I AM NOT HAVING MY SISTER SLAGGED OFF.
I stormed up to Megan Fenton and said, “Do yourself a favour – STOP being a cow about Ruby Slack. Spots are NOT a big deal and YOU are ONE NASTY PIECE OF WORK.”
Megan just smirked and said, “Don’t make out this is about your sister, Hattie. You’ve wanted to have a go at me for AGES and we all know why!”
I just said, “WHATEVER! LEAVE IT!” and stormed off.
I went to Ruby’s house tonight and said, “You’re still totally pretty even with massive zits.” She didn’t look that happy when I told her that, which was a bit ungrateful. I didn’t tell her about Megan COW Fenton. I’m tempted to tell Goose. Bet he wouldn’t love her half as much if he realized that she was EVIL.
SATURDAY 9TH OCTOBER
4.34
p.m.
Dimple is worried that the baby monitor is revealing how much she talks to herself. Her dad heard her pretend she was being interviewed by Graham Norton about her latest film. He must know she’s secretly completely Bollywood under all her “A” grades.
My WHOLE family is going to Amitabh’s sort-of-christening tomorrow. Gran wasn’t invited but she has sort of invited herself. She gets one sniff of a free sandwich and mini apricot slice and there is seriously NO stopping her.
Nicky is going too.
Megan and Goose are NOT going. GOOD.
SUNDAY 10TH OCTOBER
8.39 p.m.
Amitabh’s naming ceremony was AMAZEBALLS. The food was unbelievable. It was really lovely too. Dimple has got this amazing huge family and they were all hugging Amitabh AND telling Dimple what a great daughter and sister she is. Loads of them were crying. It was TOTALLY emotional and TOTALLY lovely. Everyone was getting on with everyone else. Only Gran caused a little row by asking for some “non-spicy meat” for Princess and then pushing in the queue for the toilets. She shouted, “I’ve got an irritable bladder, Hattie – I can’t queue at a social function!” and went to the front. People tutted but they didn’t argue.
At the end Nicky went out for a cigarette and gave me a puff. It WAS HORRIBLE. I coughed like a mental but Nicky thought smoking suited me and that I looked “sort of cool”. I might smoke. Just for a bit. Nicky has given me half a packet. I know it’s totally wrong but it’s only for a little while.
MONDAY 11TH OCTOBER
7.19 a.m.
I can’t believe it’s raining on my first day of smoking!
7.35 a.m.
OMG – cigarettes?! WHAT AM I DOING SUICIDE-BOMBING MY ACTUAL LUNGS?!
3.54 p.m.
I had half a cigarette with Nicky at lunchtime. He thinks it’s cool. I don’t want him to think I’m not my own woman and that I just do what society says I should. As a feminist I can give myself pneumonia if I want to.
9.42 p.m.
It’s still raining. I’ll have a cigarette when it stops.
TUESDAY 12TH OCTOBER
7.32 a.m.
It’s still raining! Smokers must spend their entire lives feeling soggy.
3.45 p.m.
I refused to go out for a smoke with Nicky at lunchtime. He got really moody and said, “If you’d prefer to be dry than spend time with me then fine.”
I have to practise smoking. No one is home. I’ll go on the decking.
4.10 p.m.
I’ve made a slight burn mark on Mum’s sun-lounger but she won’t notice. It’s got flowers all over it. The burn just looks like a stalk! No one is going to go out there till next summer. If summer ever happens again!
6.38 p.m.
LOL! Mum came in and just flopped on the sofa. She said she felt REALLY tired and could we all make our own tea. Thank you, people wanting fry-ups in Mum’s cafe! You have saved me from MUM LECTURE ACTION!
WEDNESDAY 13TH OCTOBER
4.58 p.m.
I had a smoke at lunchtime. I can’t inhale yet but I’ve stopped choking every time I do it! I’m going round to see Gran tonight.
9.23 p.m.
Gran smelt the smoke on my breath as soon as I got in the door and went mental. She started RANTING at me like I was about 4 years old.
GRAN: Why are you bloody smoking?!
ME: Everyone experiments, Gran! Nicky smokes. It’s sort of a thing we can share! (When I said this I knew it sounded a bit pathetic.)
GRAN: Well, I thought you had more sense, young lady, than to make yourself ill and give yourself wrinkles for a boy. You stink like an ashtray! There are men at my social club that smell sweeter than you and they don’t wash unless their wives tell them to. What on Earth do you think you’re doing?
ME: I just want to be a bit … I just want…
GRAN: You just want your boyfriend to like you. You are fine as you are. Don’t you start changing to suit men!
ME: I’m not!
GRAN: Yes, you are. Now – I won’t bother your mum with this IF you give me the cigarettes now and PROMISE me you are not going to smoke again. Nicky OR NO NICKY!
I’ve promised her.
Princess growled at me. Gran said, “She doesn’t like smoke either! Plus she is a bit fragile after her trip to the pet psychologist today. He taunted her with some chorizo sausage. Of course she snapped. What dog wouldn’t? He doesn’t have to beg and play dead for his lunch. Why should she?”
10.13 p.m.
I am now an ex-smoker. I’ve texted Nicky to tell him. I’m glad really. Cigarettes are foul and make you smell like an old woman with too many cats. That is not sexy.
10.43 p.m.
I was doing it for Nicky. Am I a mental girlie sap fest?
10.56 p.m.
Or am I in love and that’s the sort of thing that you do?!
I don’t think I’m in love with Nicky.
THURSDAY 14TH OCTOBER
4.09 p.m.
Nicky spent ALL lunchtime smoking. When he is at school he does English, Art and “standing behind the canteen having a ciggy”. He treats it like he should treat coursework!
8.35 p.m.
Gran just rang my mob. “Hattie, if you’re grown up enough to smoke you are old enough to hear the truth… I’m in a relationship with a man called Barry. He’s a lorry driver.”
OMG – my gran’s broken biscuits do come from her secret lover!
FRIDAY 15TH OCTOBER
8.32 p.m.
I’ve spent ALL evening with Barry and Gran!
They are actually really sweet. He rubs her feet and makes her cups of tea. He’s about 10 years younger than her, comes from Wolverhampton and calls everyone “pet”! When I walked in he said, “Hattie, pet, would you like a custard cream with some strawberry-flavoured milk? I’ve got plenty of biscuits. Always!”
I hope Barry is not after Gran’s money. She hasn’t got any.
SATURDAY 16TH OCTOBER
5.12 p.m.
Took Nicky round to see Barry. Nicky told Barry he doesn’t really go to school. Barry kept saying, “What you need is a job, Nicky. Forget about school. Qualifications don’t count for anything. With haulage it’s just you and your lorry. You’re King of the Road! Plus there’s cheap fags and lager in Calais.” Gran shouted at Barry for this.
Nicky looked excited.
I don’t think Nicky … is “me”.
BUT he likes me.
SUNDAY 17TH OCTOBER
7.32 a.m.
Goose and Megan are going to a boot sale again. They look TOTALLY loved up. He wouldn’t look loved up if he knew what she was really like under her stupid, flouncy bird-print skirt.
9.12 p.m.
Gran wanted to know all the details tonight about what Nicky meant when he said he doesn’t really go to school. I told her he doesn’t really actually go that much. She death-stared me and said, “Don’t you get any ideas, Hattie. Get those qualifications. I don’t want you working in a cafe all hours. You’re a smart cookie! Don’t waste anything for a man!”
WHERE DID ALL THAT COME FROM? I yelled, “Gran, that won’t happen. I’m a FEMINIST!”
Gran laughed and said, “Germaine Green never started smoking because a bloody boy wanted her to!”
Who is Germaine Green?!
10.16 p.m.
Weirdo Jen says Gran means Germaine GREER. She basically invented feminism. Before her, women just wore big dresses, baked cakes, looked after children, painted pictures of kittens and fainted in hot weather.
MONDAY 18TH OCTOBER
5.23 p.m.
Nicky can’t see me tonight. He’s going tagging with all his mates.
There’s nothing left to tag. He’ll have to start tagging people as they sleep!
9.36 p.m.
Would Germaine Greer go tagging with a man or would she go tagging on her own?
10.03 p.m.
Germaine Greer would not tag. Tagging is a boy thing. Germaine Greer would do feminist things lik
e not taking her clothes off OR taking her clothes off and not letting FHM take photos!
10.15 p.m.
Just want to say there’s more to feminism than just whether you’re in FHM or not.
10.27 p.m.
And if you are in FHM you can still be a feminist. Just a feminist in pants.