by Rae Earl
6.44 p.m.
Just texted Gran…
Civil. I am going to be civil.
As “civil” as I can be.
TUESDAY 7TH SEPTEMBER
7.38 p.m.
I went round to see Goose after school today. He asked me if I’d heard about him and Megan. I said, “Yeah, it’s cool – I’m really pleased for you. Did you hear about me and Nicky?”
Goose just said, “Yes – Meg used to have a terrapin so she understands how much time exotic pets need.”
I REALLY DON’T CARE ABOUT MEGAN’S PREVIOUS PET HISTORY.
8.34 p.m.
Just asked Gran if you can base a successful relationship on animals. Gran shouted, “Of course you can! Hattie, people who breed cocker spaniels always marry other cocker spaniel breeders. Sharing passions is the key to a long-term relationship. I know a couple who had their dogs as bridesmaids.”
If Goose wants to marry Megan and have a gecko crawl with her down the aisle that’s FINE BY ME.
WEDNESDAY 8TH SEPTEMBER
8.19 p.m.
Dimple just rang. Her mum is in labour but the hospital have told her to go away till she’s more “ready”!
8.45 p.m.
Nicky says labour can go on for ever. His mum was in labour and he went to the cinema. He says after the fourth baby it becomes as normal as “going to school”.
Nicky doesn’t go to school very often. How would he know?!
THURSDAY 9TH SEPTEMBER
5.01 p.m.
Dimple wasn’t at school today and her mobile was off. Nicky says you’re probably not allowed to text when your mother is giving birth.
7.32 p.m.
OMG – Nicky was actually with his mum when she had his little brothers Javier and Nemanja. He said she just shouted even more than normal but weirdly swore less.
8.03 p.m.
Dimple just texted. Her mum had a little boy at 3 p.m. They’ve called him Amitabh – it’s after another film star!
Nicky says his brothers and sisters are named after Manchester United players. His dad thinks it’s lucky.
9.42 p.m.
Nathan is singing something very loudly and very annoyingly in his bedroom. Dimple is really happy about having a brother. She has NO IDEA!
FRIDAY 10TH SEPTEMBER
5.23 p.m.
Dimple was telling us all about her mum today. As soon as Mrs Rathod had got home she had to go straight back to hospital again! Labour sounds horrendous.
It’s unbelievable what people will go through for a family!
Dimple’s mum had forgotten how bad labour was – apparently you block it out. Apparently adults can block out lots of things, I’ve noticed – actual children being born (Dad, prior to last year!), the pain and agony that their children are going through (Mum!) and the TOTAL embarrassment that their grandchildren experience whenever they are around (Gran!).
7.03 p.m.
Nicky says it’s all worth it in the end as “family is the most important thing in the world”.
Nicky IS kind.
9.23 p.m.
Dear Megan Fenton – STOP GIGGLING IN GOOSE’S BEDROOM NEXT DOOR. THEN STOP GOING QUIET. That means you are obviously snogging and you make me sick.
I don’t have to be civil in this diary to ANYONE.
SATURDAY 11TH SEPTEMBER
1.35 p.m.
According to Dimple, all Amitabh does all day is eat, cry and sleep occasionally for 15 minutes at a time. It’s the worst jet lag ever on Earth!
3.23 p.m.
Nicky has invited me round his house tomorrow. I’m a bit nervous because his family sound completely crazy.
7.34 p.m.
Gran just called my mob and asked if she could have a leg of lamb for her birthday instead of flowers.
My family is also mental. At least at our wedding everyone will get on!
SUNDAY 12TH SEPTEMBER
7.34 a.m.
OMG – Megan has gone car-booting with Goose. How sad is that? Does she even have a personality of her own? She was wearing a really nice vintage-style print dress too at 7 a.m. in the morning. She’s going to be freezing in the middle of a field wearing THAT! I am going round to Nicky’s house today and I am wearing a COAT. I am a feminist and dress for warmth as well as fine glam style, Megan. You ought to try it!
6.54 p.m.
Nicky’s house is total CHAOS. Nicky seems to have about 20 brothers and sisters. They were all playing on an old washing machine in the back garden, pretending it was a space station. Nicky’s mum was shouting that they had used “all her bloody tin foil making a rocket”. We heard her from down the street before we even saw the space station. When Nicky actually got in the front door all the kids charged up to him for a hug – at one stage he had 5 children hanging off him! He just acted like it was totally normal.
We didn’t stay long because Nicky doesn’t really have any personal space (Nicky doesn’t have ANY space) and his dad had just got back from the supermarket IN SLIPPERS. Neither his mum nor his dad seemed to notice I was there. Or that Nicky was there. He just comes and goes as he wants.
Nicky said, “Come on – I am going to take you to my favourite place.” We ended up at Peartree Railway Station! Nicky whispered, “I come here to read. It’s really quiet. Hardly any trains stop here and it feels sort of like the countryside.” At that point a massive Virgin Train came thundering past us and blew its horn! According to Nicky you get used to that.
I don’t want Peartree Station to be where I go on dates!
Nicky was saying, “Sorry about my house. It’s just my mum is really busy with the kids and my dad is busy working and getting shopping and they don’t always notice who I bring home.” I told him it didn’t matter but I was a bit freaked out by it all. I was also a bit freaked out by the railway station too. There were about 14 CCTV cameras and they all seemed to be pointed at us. When we were snogging it felt like I was doing something REALLY wrong. I couldn’t concentrate on getting a decent kiss rhythm because I kept thinking of MY mum sitting at the main police station shouting, “She said she was going round Nicky’s house – NOT kissing him in the middle of nowhere.” The cops could totally show her the footage if they wanted to. Nicky started to get a bit annoyed at me being nervous. “I come here all the time – I’ve never got in trouble. I doubt those cameras are even on!” Then one of the cameras moved and Nicky decided it was a “bit cold to be out”.
Nicky showed me his graffiti tag on the way home. He’d put it on the side of phone box. He was really proud of it but it just looked like a big load of triangles to me.
Now I’m sitting here feeling guilty but I don’t know exactly what for.
7.36 p.m.
A full snog at a railway station is not against the law – even when it’s caught on camera.
8.45 p.m.
Hope I don’t look weird when I kiss.
9.03 p.m.
Perhaps if you ask them, the police will show you the footage so you can improve your snog technique!
Nicky is a bit … I don’t want to get in trouble. I didn’t know he did tagging. That’s proper graffiti. Proper crime.
MONDAY 13TH SEPTEMBER
4.10 p.m.
Ruby at school today cornered me by the canteen and said, “Hattie – WHY are you going out with Nicky Bainton again?”
When I told her it was because I liked him she said, “Hattie – HE IS TROUBLE. You helped me when I was in trouble, now I’m helping YOU. Give him up. I know why you are really doing it too – everyone does – and it’s not fair.” Then she stormed off.
Good to see Ruby can still do a MAHOOSIVE MGK flounce-off when she needs to.
And what does everyone know? They haven’t seen how brilliant Nicky is with his family and how great he is to his brothers and sisters.
YOU HAVE TO GIVE PEOPLE A CHANCE. JUST LIKE I DID WITH DAD. And that’s what I’m doing. I’m not using him or anything!
7.12 p.m.
I just rang Gran to ask her a
bout Nicky. She said, “Hattie – I can’t talk now. I’m going out and it takes 10 minutes for me to put my support tights on.” There’s no one I can speak to here and Dimple and Jen would FREAK at this. I’m just totally worried. Nicky is out for the next 2 nights. I know what he’s doing and I can’t stop him.
I hope he doesn’t start writing “Hattie” anywhere so people think I’m actually involved!
9.01 p.m.
Just been practising my tag on my Science textbook. It’s rubbish but you can’t get arrested for it.
TUESDAY 14TH SEPTEMBER
4.10 p.m.
Mrs Field saw my tag on my Science book. Apparently I am scribbling on school property and I should “stop immediately”. I get told off for doodling 1 scribble on 1 book. Nicky has tagged 7 park benches, loads of walls, a fence on a house AND 5 buses (one of them was actually moving at the time!) and NOTHING happens. I AM CURSED.
7.32 p.m.
Dimple rang. She says that newborn babies are a living HELL. Apparently her mum is crying every 5 minutes and last night they had CHIPS for tea. They NEVER have takeaway. Dimple’s mum had a kidney stone once. She was in AGONY and she still cooked dinner! All that is left in the cupboard is Pot Noodles. I’m surprised Dimple’s family even have them.
Apparently Dimple’s dad has a secret Pot Noodle addiction but I can’t tell anyone as it could damage his reputation as an upstanding member of the community. Dimple’s dad needs to chill out. Even the prime minister lives on Pot Noodles, plays “Fruit Ninja” all the time and cries every night about how hard the job is. It’s a well-known fact!
8.12 p.m.
Tell you what, I would rather listen to Amitabh’s SCREAMING than Megan Fenton’s crap girlie giggle. I am tempted to knock on the wall and tell her to ACTUALLY SHUT UP but I’m worried that would be seen as being a bit … something.
She lives at Goose’s house. It’s … NOT ON.
WEDNESDAY 15TH SEPTEMBER
6.34 p.m.
Nicky went round with me tonight to see Amitabh after school. As soon as he picked the baby up he stopped crying. It was UNBELIEVABLE. Dimple doesn’t like Nicky but even she had to admit it was like Supernanny. We’ve been invited again to go tomorrow. Nicky understands families and babies. And writing his tag on electricity substations’ “Danger of Death” signs. That’s what he was doing last night.
THURSDAY 16TH SEPTEMBER
8.14 p.m.
Went round to see Dimple again. Every member of the family looked really pleased to see us.
Dimple’s mum jokingly asked Nicky if he’s considered becoming a professional nanny. Nicky said he’d had a bit too much of babies. Mrs Rathod giggled and said, “Shame!” She looked really disappointed though.
Dimple’s mum has admitted she’s having trouble coping! I’m not surprised. Being a mum is dreadful from moment 1!
8.54 p.m.
Although I reckon my mum doesn’t have it too bad… She is asleep AGAIN before 9 p.m. and Rob is doing everything!
I can’t decide whether she’s a proper feminist or actually just completely lazy.
FRIDAY 17TH SEPTEMBER
8.34 p.m.
I told Gran about Dimple’s mum. Gran has been in touch and offered to help Dimple’s mother – she has theories about babies. Apparently years ago babies were shoved all together in a full-time nursery and a big scary matron gave you the baby at feeding time and then the rest of the time just left them to cry!
Gran believes that the reason that so many young people are not prepared to work hard all stems from the fact that babies are not left to scream nowadays!
BARKING!
9.21 p.m.
Asked Mum if she left ME to cry as a baby. She said, “Never, Hattie. You slept in my bed most nights till you were 4.”
THAT’S why I can’t finish my homework!
SATURDAY 18TH SEPTEMBER
5.34 p.m.
Gran has been round to see Dimple’s mum today!
Apparently Amitabh stopped crying after Gran wrapped him up like a mummy. Mrs Rathod got 3 hours’ sleep. This apparently is a MIRACLE!
3 HOURS’ SLEEP IS A FORM OF TORTURE!
I can see why Mum didn’t let me cry now!
SUNDAY 19TH SEPTEMBER
2.18 p.m.
Dimple wants to hire Gran as a part-time nanny. Gran now has the choice of 2 jobs! ARE YOU HEARING THIS, NATHAN?! Gran has written down a few things she believes in:
1. Groups of mums should not be allowed to meet in public places. Gran is sick of going to Starbucks and hearing squawking. She says, “I want to be able to enjoy a latte and a blueberry muffin in peace.”
2. Children should not be given felt-tips until they are 18. They are potentially more damaging to your wallpaper and your health than cigarettes.
3. Dummies dipped in brandy should be used when babies are teething.
4. Children should be at school 52 weeks a year as brains go stale in the holidays.
Has Gran actually ever heard of Social Services?!
MONDAY 20TH SEPTEMBER
6.23 p.m.
Apparently Goose and Megan went to see Amitabh today. He cried. He was really trying to say, “Megan, stop wearing little vintage dresses on very cold days and PUT SOME MORE CLOTHES ON!” LOL!
6.41 p.m.
I find Megan THE MOST annoying woman ON EARTH – even though EVERYONE ELSE, including Dimple and Jen, thinks she’s “quite sweet really”.
6.53 p.m.
I should be kind to other women.
7.01 p.m.
Sometimes it’s difficult being a feminist.
TUESDAY 21ST SEPTEMBER
4.35 p.m.
Gran’s worried about Princess. She’s really lethargic and has started piddling on the carpets. And she won’t even touch the gourmet chicken that Gran cooks for her every day. Gran’s going to take her to the vet’s in the morning – even though it costs an arm and a leg. Why doesn’t the NHS extend to man’s best friend?
WEDNESDAY 22ND SEPTEMBER
3.27 p.m.
Princess has been diagnosed as “jealous of a newborn”. That’s why she is depressed. Apparently first-borns often regress when a new baby comes into the mix.
Nathan has been doing it all his life.
4.35 p.m.
Princess has been referred to a pet psychologist. Gran thinks she needs it. This is Gran, who thinks psychiatrists who treat humans should be banned and that people “need to just pull themselves together like a decent pair of curtains”.
THURSDAY 23RD SEPTEMBER
4.49 p.m.
OMG – pet psychologists are NOT available on the NHS either. You have to PAY for them! AND they cost a fortune. Gran says she wants Mum to consider remortgaging the house just to help her out.
FRIDAY 24TH SEPTEMBER
7.19 p.m.
Mum says she refuses to help “the diva pooch”. Gran then had this MASSIVE row that the whole street must have heard.
GRAN: I’ve lent you money in the past!
MUM: That was to feed my children.
GRAN: BUT this is to save the love of my life.
MUM: I thought Dad was the love of your life?!
GRAN: He wasn’t as loyal and he didn’t sit when I wanted him to!
When you hear conversations like this you can tell why I mess up EVERYTHING with men.
SATURDAY 25TH SEPTEMBER
6.26 p.m.
Gran has decided to sell her jewellery to pay for Princess’s treatment. THAT IS MY INHERITANCE. HOW DARE SHE?
7.04 p.m.
Just remembered what Gran’s jewellery is like. She can do what she wants!
SUNDAY 26TH SEPTEMBER
3.23 p.m.
Gran didn’t get much for her bracelets. She’s using some of our savings. Since when did we have savings?! I’ve been asking to go to Florida since I was 6. Mum always says, “When we win the lottery!” So there is no money for me to meet the Little Mermaid. There IS money for a dog that has actually chewed through 2 mic
rowave ovens.
Perhaps if I actually ate the kitchen I would get spoilt!
MONDAY 27TH SEPTEMBER
6.25 p.m.
I can’t work Nicky out. One minute he’s fine with me. The next minute he’s acting all “Mr I Am the Biz” with his friends. His tag is everywhere now! His mates are daring him to tag a teacher’s car. I don’t want him to get in trouble but PLEASE do Matfield’s. PLEASE. She would hate street art on her car. She says everything that has been painted since 1960 is total rubbish.