by Ash Night
The soft cover I had been planning to sing turned angry as the first word left my lips. I was angry at Layla for not seeing what I saw. I was angry at my father for being an abusive drunk. I was angry at my sister for always calling. I was angry at myself for ruining everything I touched.
The crowd loved the song. I got a standing ovation from a few of the drunker patrons. I didn’t even glance at Layla. I marched up to Copper, the bartender, got my money, and left. That song had drained me. I was spent for the night.
Chelsea haunted my dreams that night. Screaming that I was a bastard, that I made her crazy. That I deserved to be alone. In my life, there were a handful of times where things were said to me that couldn’t be taken back. That was among the top five.
I deserved to be alone. I deserved to have my tongue cut out for some of the things I had said to others in fits of rage. It was for survival. If I made them hate me first, it was easier for me to reject them before they left me. If they left me first, it would hurt too much. I had to play the game right. I had to win before they could hurt me. For whatever reason, pushing people away hurt less than rejection.
“You are a waste of space, Ryder Daniels! All you do is hurt people! Do you really think you wouldn’t end up hurting her too? You’re a ticking time bomb with a pattern. Anyone gets too close, you explode. You and I both know it.” Chelsea glared at me. “You’re a fool if you think this time will be any different.”
“It will be! It has to be! I love Layla!”
Chelsea’s menacing snarl softened into a look of sadness. “I remember you saying you loved me too. It was just a lie.”
“No, Chels, it wasn’t. I did love you once. It was different. Layla is…”
“The One?” She scoffed. “You said the same about me. How do you know you’re not lying to yourself? Every relationship you’ve ever been in was a lie, Ryder. You deserve to be alone. No one deserves to be lied to. If you really love Layla you’ll leave her alone before you can poison her too.”
I woke up, my chest as tight as a ratline on a ship’s mast in a storm. My heart pounded like a wild animal running from a wolf as its sharp teeth squeezed around my throat. Everything in me was close to snapping. I wanted to scream but my mouth was stuffed with cotton. It felt as though heavy chains were lashing me to my bed. I couldn’t move. I was losing my mind. I hadn’t had a panic attack like this since Rachel called to tell me Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
“Blue Eyes, if you’re trying to be quiet, it’s not working. I can hear you breathing heavy. Who you thinkin’ ‘bout? Cause I can give them a run for their money, I assure you.”
When did she get home?
Shit! Don’t come in here! Don’t come in here! I begged her inside my head. Only a frightened whimper came out. My heart rate managed to increase even more. At this point, it was going to explode. That was a good alternative. I’d rather have died than for Layla to see me like this.
Layla came closer. Her smile fell away. “Ryder, what’s wrong?”
“Please…leave.” I choked out. My voice was raspy in the dark, silent room.
“Leave?” she asked, turning on the light, giving me a clearer view of her. Worry was written all over her face. “No, I don’t want to.”
My eyes burned with tears. I didn’t care if she saw them. “Get out!”
I was suddenly happy Layla was so stubborn. Most girls would have run when a guy yelled at them. She didn’t.
“Hell no.” Layla crossed her arms over her chest, her lips curing into a defiant smile. “I want to stay. So I’ll be damned if you’re going to tell me any different. You should know that about me by now, at least.”
Rolling onto my side, away from her, I decided my best bet was to ignore her. I made sure everything about my body language told her to go away. I curled in on myself. My heart was still pounding in my ears. This panic attack wasn’t going anywhere. My ten minutes weren’t up.
“I won’t ask why the panic attack, bit too personal for my tastes…but I’m here if you need me, Ryder.” No sarcasm. No joking tone. Just honest vulnerability.
The stranglehold on my vocal chords had only gotten tighter, making it impossible for me to speak. I nodded a little. I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t. We needed distance. This would have to be the first step.
Her fingertips softly rested on my bare side. I flinched. The unexpected movement had surprised me, but it also helped with my standoffish facade. Or maybe not. I felt her arms around me. It wasn’t like it was in the movies. I didn’t instantly feel better, but I felt my chest loosen a bit. It was a little easier to breathe.
“Is this okay?” Her soft whisper helped unbind me from the bed. I wanted to tell her the truth. I wanted to let her know that, thanks to her, I was beginning to feel less like a bomb about to explode.
I wanted to let her know she was the first person to ever calm me down. Not even Rachel had done that. Of course, Rachel wasn’t Layla. She fled when I yelled. Not Layla. Layla stood her ground. Layla was an anchor in a turbulent sea. She didn’t let anyone mess with her. I needed her. But I couldn’t risk exploding around her. And explosions were inevitable.
“I said get out.”
The arms around my waist withdrew. The soft whisper turned harsh. “I should’ve known. You’re just another boy to reject me once they’re done with me. I was stupid for thinking you were any different.”
It was almost as if I could hear the strings of our relationship snap. My heart sank.
“Layla, I…”
The bed squeaked as she got up. “Save it! Or better yet, write it down. You can use it on the next girl you want to screw with! Either you want me or you don’t!” She slammed the door, leaving the light on.
I sighed. I couldn’t win. I was hurting her by pushing her away but I would hurt her more if I didn’t.
Chapter Thirteen
Layla
A thousand emotions were running through my mind. First, I had nowhere to run. Second, I needed to leave. Third, and most importantly, I needed to get high. I’d been itching to get high since I’d gotten home from the hospital. Now I had a reason to scratch that itch. I wasn’t particularly good at dealing with emotions. Heroin made me feel good and made me forget my problems. It was my solution to everything.
“Well, Lilly, it looks like we’re gonna be on the street again for a while.” I was a little sad I was betraying Ryder’s trust after how good he had been to me. Of course, technically, I wasn’t. I was leaving before I got high. I still didn’t feel very good about it, though.
Packing the few things I had, I grabbed Lilly and started toward the kitchen. A notepad on the kitchen table caught my attention. I tried to ignore it. I wasn’t going to leave a note. I’d only known Ryder a few weeks. I never left notes before. I always took what I needed and left.
My phone rang, muffled under the pile of clothes in my bag. I ignored that too. The only thing on my mind right now was survival. Thank god for prepackaged foods. A box of generic black and white cookies. A couple cereal bars. A half-eaten bag of trail mix. Ryder ate everything except the M&Ms so a fourth of the bag was basically just chocolate. With that in mind, I grabbed the package of chocolate chips. Ryder wouldn’t miss them. He didn’t like sweet things. He’d bought them for me. I could practically smell the cookies we had baked together. That was fun. The dorky high-five…
“Dammit, why can’t I get him out of my head? I don’t get attached, I growled to myself. My phone rang again. I ignored it. It started once more until I finally picked it up. “Hello?” I hissed.
“Hello, little Lay-Lay,”
“How the hell-”
“Wondering how I got your number? Let’s forget about that. Are you planning on coming home any time soon? I noticed a few things missing.” I could practically feel Devin’s breath on my ear.
I swallowed hard, my skin growing clammy. “I didn’t notice anything.”
“Now, now, Lay-Lay, don’t play dumb. You and I both know you�
�re a smart girl. Too smart.” I heard a gun cock. My heart jumped to my throat. “You hear that, Lay-Lay? It’s your future if you don’t return all the money you stole. Plus, I’ll be wantin’ that gun back. And don’t even think about dumping or smashing your phone. You don’t want trouble, do you?”
My hands shook as I heard Devin hang up. How did he know? Did he know where Ryder lived? Was Ryder in danger? I had to leave. Tonight. Dammit, I was wasting time here being all sentimental over trail mix and chocolate chips!
Heaving my bag onto my shoulder, I grabbed an empty water bottle. I’d have to fill it up at the nearest bathroom. I didn’t want to risk waking Ryder up by filling it up in the kitchen. My mind was racing. Why couldn’t I have found Ryder sooner? If I had, I wouldn’t need to run away. I was always running. I was tired of running. For the first time in my life, I wanted to stay.
Ryder had been so kind to me and here I was, basically throwing it back in his face. Screwing complete dirt bags over had always been easy for me. But screwing over a nice guy wasn’t as easy. There was a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Brushing that thought aside for now, I made a split-second decision and decided to leave a few things for Ryder on my bed. Of course, it wasn’t my bed anymore.
I fumbled out the front door into the cool night. I was glad I had thought to steal one of Ryder’s hoodies that had been hanging on the back of the couch. It was just cold enough to need one. Fall was coming fast. Before long it would be winter, and that was a really bad time to be on the streets. Thankfully, I lived in a part of the US that didn’t get snow. But it still got cold. Too cold to sleep on hard, unforgiving concrete. And when it got cold, people got mean. It was a fight for survival. Having a sweatshirt could get me killed in some parts of town.
I shuddered. I’d only been homeless once during the winter. I’d promised myself never again. I’d do whatever I had to so that wouldn’t happen again. Even that. The thought of letting myself be passed around like a plate of food at a potluck made me dry heave. I’d done it before, when times were desperate. Sometimes the men were closer to my age. Sometimes the men were older. Most of the time they were older.
It wasn’t something I liked to think about.
There wasn’t enough hot water or drugs in the world that could make those memories fade.
“Two pair,”
“Pair of aces,”
“Dammit, Michael! I swear you’re cheating!”
I walked into the lion’s den like a scared little mouse. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t walk in with confidence, but my insides were quaking. The smoky air made my head swim, a mix of tobacco and weed. It was a blessing in disguise. I was in desperate need of a contact high. Devin’s eyes glinted when he saw me.
He set his cards face down on the table, his hand placed over them firmly, ready to gut anyone who tried to sneak a peek. I knew he’d kill anyone who cheated. I’d seen him do it before. “Lay-Lay, nice to see you. I just knew you’d come back.”
“How the hell did you get my number?” How did he know my name? I tried to sound like I wasn’t shivering in my boots. Judging by the laughter of his poker buddies, I didn’t think it worked.
Devin grinned. “Sweet little Layla, I have contacts all over this city. One of them just happens to work at the place you got your phone. You may have given a fake name, but I always take pictures of my girls in case they run.”
“What?” I asked. He held out his phone. On it was a picture of me, asleep. The time stamp said it was taken last spring, a few days after I started running with Devin’s little gang.
“As soon as I realize my little minion has taken off on an extended vacation, like you did, a picture of you was sent to all of my contacts. They alert me if they’ve seen you and I’ll either warn you or drag you back myself. I’ve become quite fond of you, so you got a warning. Your only warning.”
Please don’t say you know where Ryder lives. Please don’t say you know where Ryder lives. I begged inside my head. My heart ached. It was beating a hundred miles a minute. I didn’t care about anything else at that moment. Ryder didn’t deserve to get dragged into this. Please God, if you are real, please do not drag Ryder into this, please!
Tears streamed unwillingly down my cheeks. My face burned with embarrassment. I didn’t show my emotions around assholes like Devin and his buddies. I didn’t even show my emotions to nice guys. No one deserved to see my emotions. They were the only thing I had left that was truly mine.
Devin tenderly swiped a lock of hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear. I could smell the alcohol on his breath. I instinctively recoiled at his touch. He was always tender before he was mean. “My, my, Layla, darling, I’ve heard you cry before, but I’ve never seen it. Are you worried about what will happen next?” His glare froze my breath in my throat. “You should be.” Grabbing me roughly, he put his lips inches from my ear. “Bad things happen to girls who run.”
Before I could process what he said, I was on the ground. My cheek stung from the hard slap I’d received. I struggled to pick myself up off the floor. Staying down wasn’t an option. Staying down meant the beating was only going to get worse. Playing unconscious never worked. Devin knew what he was doing.
“Good girl,” he said, nodding in approval. “Now, what bone would you like me to break first?”
I hesitated. I knew this game. I’d never been asked to play, but I knew plenty of girls who had. Their lifeless eyes haunted my darkest nightmares. This was the last game most of them ever played before they lost all hope.
“Tick-tock, Lay-Lay. The game master is growing impatient. Choose or I choose for you.”
“F-finger,” I yelp. I knew it would hurt like hell, but I needed my legs to run. Worrying about the possible crippling disability of my fingers would have to wait.
“Which one?” The sick, twisted look on Devin’s face made me want to throw up all over his shoes. They looked expensive.
“Middle,” I said.
He laughed at that. “Whatever you wish, pretty girl. You’re so pretty, Lay-Lay. I really wish you’d be good. I don’t like to hurt pretty things.”
You know you enjoy it, you sick freak. I thought as he inched closer. His two buddies pressed down on my shoulders from behind so I couldn’t run or even scoot back. My right hand shook slightly as I held it out to him. I had to concentrate so it wouldn’t shake too much. That would only make this hurt worse.
I wasn’t sure if the sound of my bone breaking had fully reached my ears before the contents of my stomach emptied onto the basement floor. The boys holding me in place jumped back to avoid the spray. Pity it had missed Devin’s shoes.
My teeth chewed my lip bloody. The pain was unbearable, but I’d be damned if I would ever scream again in front of this bastard. I had before. I never would again. He’d gotten too much enjoyment out of it. I wanted to deny him whatever I could.
“Shame she didn’t scream,” one of the guys behind me said. “I like my girls loud.”
“I know, Chris. It’s just not the same when they’re quiet.” That had to be Michael, the one Devin had accused of cheating at cards. I vaguely remembered his voice. I was surprised. Devin usually didn’t keep the same friends for very long. Most of the people he hung out with were either on the run, in jail, or dead before too long. Michael was either very smart or too dumb to be trusted with the bigger jobs. A man low on the totem pole. A grunt worker. He sort of did remind me of the big dopey heist character in a lot of Saturday morning cartoons.
Saturday morning cartoons. Now there was a nice thought. Getting up early and plopping in front of the TV with a big bowl of- No, Layla! Stay focused! You cannot pass out! You need to stay awake so you’ll see where they take you so you’ll have an escape route! I screamed at myself. I could feel myself slipping. Pretending to be unconscious was hard when you really wanted to be unconscious. Or was it easier? My vision was blurring in and out of focus as they dragged me down the hall. My right hand had gone numb.
My whole body felt heavy. Staying awake was like fighting a strong current. I wasn’t going to last long.
“Night, night, darling.” Devin chuckled. “I’ll take good care of Lilly. Most of the money is missing. You naughty, naughty girl. Don’t worry, I won’t make you work your fingers to the bone. There are others ways of paying me back.”
My heart pounded in my chest. A strong dizzy spell swept me under and my world went black.
Chapter Fourteen
Ryder
There was a pile of money sitting on Layla’s bed. Big bundles of fifties and hundred-dollar bills. I’d never seen so much money in my life. Lilly was leaning up against the pile like it was no big deal. Maybe it wasn’t a big deal to her. I had no idea what this little stuffed bear might have seen during its travels with a drugged-out girl. Speaking of, where was Layla? I hadn’t seen or heard from her since last night when I’d yelled at her. I still felt bad and wanted to apologize. Rejecting her so harshly wasn’t fair. I should have let her down easy.
Pulling out my phone, I sent her a quick text. Maybe she’d gone out for coffee. She seemed to like that coffee place downtown. Whenever she came back from there, she always had a smile on her face too big to hide. I hoped she was there. Maybe she’d bring back a bagel or a breakfast sandwich. My mouth watered just thinking about it.
Shrugging, I decided to ignore the pile of money for now. I didn’t want to risk touching it in case it was stolen, but I didn’t want to give it to the police until Layla had a chance to explain. I didn’t want to get her in trouble.
I played a few chords on my guitar after taking my daily dose of meds. It occurred to me that I could experiment with missing them. For all the good the meds did, I was aware they sometimes could cloud my real feelings. Skipping a few doses could give me the time I needed to sort out my feelings for Layla. I loved her. But did I love her or just the idea of her?
It wasn’t until months of dating Chelsea that I had realized I had only been in love with the idea of her. She’d convinced me she’d become little Suzy Homemaker after she moved in. What I got in reality was a manipulative woman who convinced me to go off my meds and party all night.