When The Right Door Opens

by Catherine Micqu

  “Dad, this is my girl. My daughter. Your grand-daughter – Agnes.” Jamie said proudly and turned a bit, so that the new grand-father could have a better look at his little bundle of joy.

  “We told you to not come here ever again.” his father shouted whispering. Not once did he look at the baby, instead, he kept looking inside the house to make sure Jamie's mother would not appear behind him.

  “But she is your grand-child.” Jamie stated the obvious. He had come to his parents with the baby because he thought that seeing Agnes might soften their hearts, but he was wrong.

  “I don't have a grand-child, I don't even have a son anymore.” The words stung and hurt, but Jamie was not ready to give up yet. “But please, I need you.”

  “You should have thought about that before bringing her to the house. Now go away.” This time, Jamie's father yelled and baby Agnes started to wail. Jamie rocked her back and forth and tried to soothe her with gentle kisses and murmured words and sure enough, even if Jamie was agitated, his voice was soothing enough for the baby to calm down.

  “What's this all about?” Jamie heard his mother's enraged voice. “Oh, it's you.” she looked at him, disappointment shining from her eyes. She didn't acknowledge the baby either, instead, she pushed Jamie's father back inside the house.

  “Come away, Brady. We told him what would happen. I am not going to change my decision. Good bye James.”

  “But mom. Look at her.” He held Agnes up for her to see, but his mother still refused with a harsh: “No!” and the door closed in front of him.

  Tears welled up in Jamie's eyes, which he brushed away angrily. After that, he had only seen his mother once again. At the funeral of his beloved grand-father. She didn't even look his way and held Jamie's father back as well. Jamie had felt like an outcast. The disappointed and degrading looks from his entire family made him finally realize, that at seventeen, he had no family left. Except for Agnes.

  ****

  Sebastian watched Jamie from afar. He didn't know him enough to instinctively know what was happening inside of Jamie and how he needed to be comforted. He only knew, he saw, that something was eating at him. Was it appreciated if he asked? Was he supposed to stay out of it? He didn't know.

  The phone rang and Sebastian got on his crutches to get the call. Despite his initial fear, he managed well on them and he got better and better with them.

  “Sebastian Martin.” he said into the phone.

  “Oh, yes. It's is Brady. Brady McCarrick? Jamie's father?” his voice was a little hoarse and sounded insecure.

  “Yes, I remember. What can I do for you Mister McCarrick?” Sebastian asked in a friendly voice and was genuinely pleased that the old man finally decided to call.

  “I wondered how Jamie is doing. I haven't heard from him ever since we met.”

  “I don't really know. It's been a lot to deal with for him. I think he is grieving.” Sebastian looked into Jamie's direction and saw him shift to turn towards Sebastian.

  “Hum. Can I speak to him?” the question sounded, as if he almost expected to be rejected.

  “Just a second, I'll ask.”

  Sebastian covered the phone with his hand and turned to look at Jamie, who pretended to be staring into the dark again.

  “Jamie? The call is for you.” Sebastian reached out the phone for Jamie to get up and take it.

  “I don't want to talk to him. Not now.” Jamie said resolutely.

  “But...”

  “I said No.” Jamie turned to glare at Sebastian.

  “I don't think you're being fair.” Sebastian didn't approve of Jamie's behavior.

  “Oh you don't?! Well, I don't care. I'm not going to talk to him right now.” Jamie turned around again and continued his staring out of the window.

  “Mister McCarrick? I'm sorry, he is very busy right now. But I'll tell him that you called.” Sebastian tried to sound friendly and joyful, but he was a bad actor.

  “Oh, I know. Is he moping? He did that a lot.”

  “Mister McCarrick, I don't think that's a fair thing to say. His life was very troubled lately. He needs time.” Sebastian defended Jamie, and saw Jamie nod his approval from afar.

  “He doesn't need time. He's spoiled, that's what he is.” Mister McCarrick answered bitterly.

  “How's that? What gives you that idea?” Sebastian wanted to know.

  “I saw the car he is driving.”

  “That's my car.”

  “Then you are a good catch.” Jamie's father said condescendingly.

  “I think we should end this call now. I'll tell Jamie that you called.”

  “I have no doubt about that.”

  “Unbelievable.” Sebastian muttered at the headset in his hand. He took his crutches and went to the den, where he sat in an armchair opposite of Jamie. He put his leg up and waited for Jamie to acknowledge his presence.

  “I have no idea what to tell him. Maybe I forgave him too quickly, but I was overwhelmed to see him again after such a long time. He is an old man now.” Jamie's voice was distant and sad.

  “Do you really believe that? That you forgave too quickly?”

  “I don't know what to believe. I just know that he abandoned me when I needed him the most. I was only a child. If he had supported me, defended me, I would not be where I am right now. Look at me. I am thirty and I don't have anything to show. By the way, he didn't even call or send a card for my birthday. I had dreams, you know?”

  “You have a beautiful and intelligent daughter. As for your dreams; you are still young. You can still follow your dreams and make them come true.”

  “I don't know, if I am strong enough.” Jamie refused to look at Sebastian, instead, he watched the steam rise from his tea.

  “You are one of the bravest and strongest people I know.” Sebastian leaned closer to Jamie and took his hand in his own.

  “I am not. I used to be strong, now I'm only jaded and weary of my life.”

  “Everything happens for a reason, Jamie.” Sebastian quipped.

  “That's bullshit! We are who we are and our lives are what we make of them. I chose to screw up at an early age. I was too afraid and too proud to ask for help. Now look where that got me.” Jamie took his hand back. He needed it to gesture while talking.

  “It got you here. With me. And if I recall it correctly, your first words to me where 'help me'”

  “That's not what I mean.”

  “That's exactly what you meant.”

  “Since when do you know me so well, huh?” Jamie asked defensively.

  “Since when are you acting so childishly?” Sebastian retorted.

  “I am not acting childishly. But you don't understand me.” Jamie said, exasperated.

  “Well maybe you are wallowing in self-pity because for the first time in many years you have nothing to worry about. I don't expect money from you, you are not forced to work your awful job. You don't have anything to do. You are bored, that's how I see it.” Sebastian was defensive now, too.

  “What?! I am processing my past. That's not being bored.”

  “The whole thing with your father is years and years ago. I just can't understand why you can't let it go and forgive him.”

  “Because, the love of parents should be unconditional, unfortunately, nobody told my parents so.”

  “But Jamie, they love you. Haven't you seen all those photographs of you in that living room? It was almost like a shrine for you.”

  “They are all from before.”

  “So what?! Give him a chance to make it up to you and put new photos on that wall.”

  “You don't want to understand, do you?”

  Jamie got up suddenly and left the room, leaving an angry, desperate Sebastian behind.

  “What happened in here?” Agnes wanted to know, when her father pushed himself past her.

  “Nothing.” Sebastian answered and got up too.

  “Don't you dare going upstairs in your state of mind. I can see that you are up
set. Come on, talk to me for a change, bro. We used to share everything.” Kai pleaded, placing his hand on Sebastian's arm. Kai was right, there had been a time when they had shared everything. It had been a time when life was still easy and the biggest trouble was that this guy or that girl wasn't interested in one of them.

  “I'll go and talk to him. At least, I'll try. He doesn't talk to me anymore. Not like he used to do. He has changed so much. It's almost scary.” Agnes admitted.

  “I can't help him, you know? I try and try, but he pushes me away and doesn't let me in. I can't do this. I can't work on my stuff and his too. He has to do it himself. I don't know if I am strong enough to keep me afloat and pull him out of his depression too.” Sebastian broke down in tears once Agnes was out of the room and Kai's arms were immediately around him. He let Sebastian pour his heart out and when he was out of words and calmed down again, Kai let go of his twin.

  “This calls for some chips-ice.” Sebastian nodded and Kai went to the kitchen to get huge bowls of his comfort food, for himself and his brother.

  ~~Chapter 10~~

  “Dad? Can I come in?” Agnes stuck her head through the door and watched her father. He was pacing his bedroom and ran both hands through his hair, leaving it sticking up in every direction.

  “Sure, of course.” Jamie waved his daughter in and tried to smile, but he felt that it was more like a grimace than an actual smile.

  “We need to talk.” Agnes announced and every warning light inside of Jamie's mind was suddenly in a blinking frenzy.

  “About what?” he asked calmly.

  “You? You can't go on like this. You are pushing everyone away, including me.”

  “That's not true.” Jamie was surprised by the allegations and quick to deny them. On second thought though, he knew that Agnes was right. He simply didn't want to burden other people with his internal mess.

  “Then why do you keep brooding? Why don't you sit down with me to help me with my homework like you used to do it? Why...”

  “Because Sebastian does a good job.” Jamie interrupted Agnes like a jealous schoolboy.

  “But he is not you. I need my father. It's hard, you know? I changed school, left all my friends behind. I live in a stranger's house. I don't know him and I don't know the house. I – you quit your job and I finally can say that I have found a family. But I feel, like I have lost you in the process. Where are you? I need you back. You are my best friend. My ally in this world. I need your support. Instead, you bury your nose in crap books, you don't eat and I have no idea if you even sleep. I want my father back.” Agnes brushed angry tears away and tapped her heart with the other hand.

  “But I am here!” Jamie could have said it calmly, but this discussion was not what he had expected and getting the blame for everything didn't soothe his nerves, so instead of talking rationally and calmly, he yelled.

  “No, you aren't. Remember when we moved in with Sebastian? I was so sure that you two were meant for each other. Even if you were hurt and broke and everything. I mean he knows the hard facts of your life and he didn't run, no, he takes you in his arms, without asking anything – anything at all, in return. But ever since his accident, you push him away. You touched, even when you thought I wouldn't see it, you flirted with each other and practically devoured each other with your eyes, but now, you almost ignore him and when you are not ignoring him, you snap at him for the most simple and normal things. You are breaking his heart, dad. What are you doing? And why? I don't understand. We – you could be happy. But you are not...” Agnes deflated and sat on Jamie's bed. Her eyes on the floor. She didn't know, if she was crossing a line, because she never had to talk sense to her father like now. There were no rules, no guidelines that told her how to act or react in situations like these.

  “It's not that easy. You don't understand this.” Jamie still yelled and turned his back on her agitated.

  “Oh, I don't understand?” She asked in a mocking voice, disbelieving that Jamie could even think that she would not understand what was happening.

  “For years, you've told me everything. You were always honest and told me the truth about every question I had, but now so much has changed.”

  “Yes. You have Kai and Sebastian and even Karen comes over a lot, only to spend time with you.” Jamie sounded hurt and Agnes saw the sign of jealousy again.

  “True, but I need you! You are my dad. You! I am only fourteen years old. I still need my father and it is really unfair to think I have enough other people in my life and that they are enough. They are strangers and they can never be enough or even replace you. I need my father back. It's true that these people are like family. But it's because you are not at the moment. They took me in and they take care of me, while you hide away.” Agnes cried while the words flowed out of her. She felt so lost all of a sudden and while her words were not premeditated, they were true.

  “I don't understand why you are so angry right now.” Jamie asked.

  “Because... argh... because of you!” Agnes yelled in response. She jumped up with such a rage that she thought she would burst.

  “Agnes...” Jamie said pityingly, which only fueled her anger.

  “You are ruining it. Our new start, our new life. You are ruining it and I can't understand why.” Agnes started to sob even more and Jamie took her into his arms. At first she struggled to get away from him. She hit his chest with her fists, releasing some of her anger, but Jamie was unfazed and let her. He simply held her. He started to understand.

  Jamie rubbed soothing circles on her back with one hand, while the other one caressed her long hair. He murmured soothing words and kissed her head over and over. This used to calm Agnes when she was a child and baby and even now, as a teenager, it helped occasionally too. She cried and cried and Jamie held her, showing in a very affectionate fatherly style how much he loved her. Sometimes, he forgot that she was so young because she acted so grown-up most of the time.

  “What do you want me to do?” Jamie asked once Agnes had calmed down considerably.

  “I want you to come back to me and to give Sebastian his well-deserved chance. He is a gem, dad. He is funny and honest and handsome, rich, a good teacher, genuine, passionate, patient...”

  “Okay, okay, I get it. But this whole...” Jamie gestured with his hands, because he couldn't find the right words to speak “...it's not about Sebastian. Come here, sit with me and I'll tell you a little of what's really going on and why. If you have a question, ask and if it gets too much to cope with, stop me. You know our rules.” Jamie had established a whole lot of rules for his parenting, and while he vowed to always be honest and truthful to his daughter, he also wanted to give her a safe-word that would make him stop talking, if the matter was too complicated or too confusing.

  Agnes sat down next to Jamie and put her head on his shoulders. Jamie played with the length of her hair behind her back.

  “When you were born, I lived with Lauren and her parents. We talked about them and I showed you the pictures, do you remember?” Agnes nodded and Jamie spoke on: “but I never told you why my mom and also my dad didn't want to have anything to do with me after your birth and even before, when I only decided that I wanted to raise you all by myself if there wouldn't be any support. I was always very close to my parents, but the moment I told them about you and at the same time I was gay – it was too much for them. My mother tried to understand my sexuality, but she couldn't or wouldn't understand about you.

  “I loved you and protected you from the moment I knew about you, and many people just didn't understand why, always referring to my age. I was told that I would throw away my youth for you. Honestly, having you, raising you and seeing you grow up was the best decision I ever made in my entire life.

  “It was easier when I was simply the outcast of the family, but now that I learned that my mom died – years ago. And I didn't make peace with her. I wasn't at her funeral. I wasn't allowed to, because of my father. He had an equal part in the whole
story about me being thrown out of the house and now, he suddenly wants me to forgive him. I thought I could and I still wish I could, but now, I am not so sure. Too much is broken and damaged and I can't deny that I can't trust this man. I mean, he pushed me and you out of his life once, how can I be sure, that he doesn't do it again?” Jamie asked and waited for an answer from his smart daughter.

  “You can never be sure, dad. But you can't harden you heart, only to prevent yourself from being hurt.” Jamie raised a questioning eyebrow. “Music and Kai.” Agnes explained without needing to hear the question. Jamie nodded with a smirk.

  “So, you think I should forgive him? Sebastian thinks that too.”

  “No. No. I think you should call your father and talk to him. I know it's sometimes very confusing with us, but you are a grown man...”

  “Smart-ass.”

  “You are a grown man and you have had a troubled life, you can't lose him. You hadn't had him for all these years, but you could win him back. You are not a teenager anymore. You are strong and brave and old and starting to get a little soft around your middle, but you are also a man and I think and trust that you won't do anything intentionally that hurts me.”

  “You have a point, but you are still a smart-ass.”

  “You would be lost without my wise advice. And now, I advise you, to go downstairs and make up with Sebastian. Kiss him, tell him you love him and for God's sake, move into his damn room so that Kai doesn't have to sleep on the couch anymore.”

  “You have found quite the ally in Kai, haven't you?”

  “He's like a brother or uncle. Whatever. He's cool. I like him.”

  “But he doesn't... you know?”

  “No, I don't know?” Agnes did know what her father wanted to say, but she liked seeing him squirm. They had always talked openly about everything, but the one thing that seemed to make her father uncomfortable was her own sexuality. He had no problem talking about his sex life and answering her questions, but her intimate life was something different. Jamie simply wasn't comfortable with it, because it was new and he didn't know what he was talking about. The hard fact remained, that she was a girl – a woman soon, and he was a man. And her father.