An Unexpected MP

by Jerry Hayes

  UKIP are the brand leaders in telling the world and his wife what they really think and sharing the dark teatime of their souls. As a party, they have double firsts in toss-pottery pure and applied. The run-up to the European and general elections is going to be a gold mine for the press and CCHQ.

  The real difference in modern politics is that the boozy phallocracy is not so widespread. Much of this is due to tireless campaigners such as Harriet Harman. She unfairly gets a terrible press as a humourless harpy. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have always found her warm, witty and sincere. Many years ago I had her young children sat on my lap when I was dressed as Captain Hook at the press gallery Christmas party. Nowadays I would probably find myself on a register.

  There is also a myth that MPs have all become worker drones and that the larger-than-life characters have all but disappeared. Not so. There are still dogged and tenacious campaigners who stick their heads above the parapets at great personal political risk. Rob Halfon, my successor in Harlow, is a name that springs to mind. He is doing a really great job. And Labour has the splendid Steve Pound, witty, charming, with the gift of being able to reduce the chamber to howls of laughter with a pithy one-liner. And you could hardly call the Lib Dems’ Sir Bob Russell a shy and retiring flower.

  So I am optimistic for the future. Being an MP should never be seen as a career, rather a vocation. Even the safest seats can evaporate at the stroke of a boundary review pen. But it would be far more sensible if we selected those with more experience of life, those who can relate to their constituents. Yet it is a wickedly traduced job. Never have they been more disbelieved and despised. And the expenses scandal still hangs in the air like a stale fart in a lift. It will take a generation to ventilate it. But if you really care about people and doing your very best for them, it is a noble occupation.

  And as for me? I just don’t know. Many people are trying to persuade me to stand again. It’s tempting but it no longer offers the excitement that it once had. Although the red benches would be fun, I have got to be realistic. There is a mile-long queue of very well-qualified people who would bite their hand off for it.

  So I content myself with blogging and a bit of media. I greatly enjoy clashing swords every Friday night with Mohammed Shafiq and Stephen Nolan on 5 Live. Stephen is a great broadcaster with heart and a smile. He is a name to watch. I just wish he wouldn’t eat quite so many sweets. A few weeks ago I brought him in a bag of healthy snacks. It was as if the devil had entered the room and offered him a vial of poison. His brow furrowed and in his most menacing Belfast accent he warned, ‘Argh, I can’t eat that. It will make me physically sick.’ And I think that he meant it.

  And Mohammed? Sometimes I could strangle him. But he is a lovely guy and one of the few Muslims who dare to speak out about extremism in their community, sometimes putting himself in physical danger.

  Friday nights are great, great fun.

  And to the young who are considering standing? Go for it. Expect disappointment, frustration and the lunacy of the system. But the rewards and satisfaction are incalculable. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  One day in June of 2013 we were delayed at Gatwick Airport for an eternity. The people who kept us sane were a delightful young couple and I spent the time boring them to death with tales of fun and games in Westminster. ‘Why don’t you write a book?’ they asked. So, a month or so later I contacted Iain Dale, who told me to knock out a couple of chapters and he’d let me know. So, Chris and Kath, this is all your fault!

  A very big thank you to Biteback for trusting me to write it – and to Iain Dale for not rushing to therapy over any potential libels. I am told that at the commissioning meeting someone suggested that, as I was a barrister, I could do the libel reading. Dale nearly burst a blood vessel. ‘Hayes doesn’t know the concept of defamation!’ he exploded. He had a point.

  Thanks to Grant Tucker for being so loyal and encouraging, and Suzanne Sangster for her deft handling of the publicity. And Sam Carter for being such a fantastic and wise editor. I am indebted to you and the team for being so patient, with Hoby doing a great job on the illustrations.

  Now for those who toiled away for no reward. Geoffrey Vevers for doing the first proofreading and keeping me entertained with his animal impersonations; he was brought up in the London Zoo, not in an enclosure but in a house. Joe Lewis, the Express whizz-kid libel lawyer, who performed the first libel read. And the multi-talented Will Timmins, who painstakingly sorted out the index. Thanks, guys.

  A fantastic thank you to Nick Giles and Michael Hayman of Sevenhills, who sponsored the launch party. They had the courage to set up a campaigning (the campaigning) business start-up company at the height of the recession and have been tremendously successful. Many young entrepreneurs owe them one hell of a lot. And it’s good to see that they now have a serious impact on government policy by working closely with my old chum Lord Young of Graffham.

  I mustn’t forget my friends at the Savile Club, who have been tolerant of my banging on about the book for the last four months and restrained themselves from assaulting me, no matter how great the temptation.

  A big hug to my wonderful family, Alison, Francesca and Lawrence, who, as always, have been there for me.

  Finally, to all of my friends, whose friendship and general lunacy kept me reasonably sane, and who allowed me to write about them without being too cross. I hope.

  INDEX

  Abberley, Bob 1

  Afriyie, Adam 1

  Aitken, Ian 1

  Aitken, Jonathan 1

  Al Fayed, Mohammed 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10

  Alexander, Rose 1

  Alison, Michael 1, 2, 3

  Allsop, Malcolm 1

  Ambulance Dispute 1

  Amery, Julian (Baron Amery, of Lustleigh) 1, 2

  Amery, Leo 1

  Amess, David 1, 2

  d’Ancona, Matthew 1

  Anderson, Ailsa 1

  Anderson, Bruce 1

  Anstis, Toby 1

  Archer, Jeffrey (Baron Archer, of Weston-super-Mare) 1, 2

  Archer, Mary 1

  Arnold, Richard 1

  Asil, Nadir 1

  Astaire, Fred 1

  Atkins, Sir Robert 1, 2

  Attenborough, Richard (Baron Attenborough, of Richmond upon Thames) 1

  Attlee, Clement (1st Earl Attlee) 1

  Baker, Kenneth (Baron Baker, of Dorking) 1, 2

  Baker, Simon 1

  Baldry, Sir Tony 1

  Balls, Ed 1, 2, 3, 4

  Bamigboye, Baz 1

  Banks, Tony (Baron Stratford) 1, 2, 3, 4

  Barber, Anthony (Baron Barber) 1

  Barham, Debbie 1

  Barker, Godfrey 1

  Baron Cohen, Sacha 1

  Bassey, Shirley 1

  Bates, Simon 1, 2, 3, 4

  Beaumont-Dark, Sir Anthony 1, 2

  Beith, Sir Alan 1

  Benn, Tony 1, 2, 3

  Benson QC, Richard 1

  Bercow, John 1

  Beresford, Sir Paul 1

  Bernard, Jeffrey 1

  Best, George 1

  Bevan, Aneurin 1

  Bhoyrul, Anil 1

  Biggins, Christopher 1

  Birmingham, Gerry 1

  Black, Eben 1

  Blackburn, Dr John 1

  Blackburn, Tony 1

  Blair, Cherie 1

  Blair, Tony 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16

  Blunkett, David 1

  Board, Ian 1

  Body, Sir Richard 1

  Le Bon, Simon 1

  Boothroyd, Betty (Baroness Boothroyd, of Sandwell) 1, 2, 3

  Bottomley, Sir Peter 1

  Bowden, Gerry 1

  Bower, Tom 1

  Bowyer, Bertram (2nd Baron Denham) 1

  Boycott, Rosie 1

  Boyle, Ed 1, 2

  Brady, Graham 1

  Branson, Sir Richard 1

  Brass, Richard 1, 2
, 3, 4, 5

  Bremner, Rory 1

  Brezhnev, Leonid 1

  Bright, Sir Graham 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  British Airport Authority (BAA) 1

  British Medical Association (BMA) 1

  Brittan, Leon (Baron Brittan, of Spennithorne) 1, 2

  Brooke, Peter (Baron Brooke, of Sutton Mandeville) 1, 2

  Brooks (nee Wade), Rebekah 1, 2, 3

  Brown, Andrew 1

  Brown, George (Baron George-Brown, of Jevington) 1

  Brown, Gordon 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

  Brown, Ronald ‘Ron’ 1

  Bruce, Donald (Baron Bruce, of Donington) 1

  Bruno, Frank 1

  Brunson, Michael 1, 2, 3, 4

  Budgen, Nicholas 1, 2, 3

  Bulger, Billy 1

  Burchill, Julie 1

  Burnham, Andy 1

  Burns, Mike 1

  Bush, George 1

  Bush, George W. 1

  Buthelezi, Chief 1

  Butterfill, Sir John 1

  Byrne, Dermot 1

  Byrne, Liam 1

  Cable, Vince 1

  Callaghan, James (Baron Callaghan, of Cardiff) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

  Cameron, David 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16

  Campbell, Alastair 1, 2, 3, 4

  Cann, Jamie 1

  Carlisle, John 1

  Carlisle, Mark (Baron Carlisle, of Bucklow) 1

  Carlton, Mike 1

  Carrington, Peter (Baron Carrington, of Upton) 1, 2

  Carter, Jimmy 1

  Caruana, Peter 1

  Cash, William 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  Castle, Barbara (Baroness Castle, of Blackburn) 1

  Chamberlain, Neville 1

  Chilcot, Sir John 1

  Christian, Terry 1

  Christopherson, Romola 1

  Chuck, Charlie 1

  Churchill, Sir Winston 1, 2, 3, 4

  Clarke, Kenneth 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  Clause 28 See Section 1

  Clay, Cassius 1, 2

  Clegg, Nick 1

  Clwyd, Ann 1

  Coach and Horses 1

  Cocks, Michael (Baron Cocks, of Hartcliffe) 1, 2, 3, 4

  Collins, Sir Andrew 1

  Collins, Tim 1

  Common Agricultural Policy (CAP) 1

  Conway, Derek 1

  Cooke, Alistair (Baron Lexden OBE) 1

  Cookie 1, 2

  Cooper, Yvette 1

  Cooperative Society 1

  Coren, Alan 1

  Cotton, Max 1

  Coward, Noël 1

  Craig, Jon 1

  Cranborne, Robert 1, 2

  Cromwell, Oliver 1

  Crone, Tom 1

  Curley, Rob 1

  Currie, Edwina 1

  Curry, David 1, 2

  Dacre, Paul 1

  Dalyell, Tam 1

  Dangerous Dogs Act 1

  Davies, Denzil 1

  Davies, Ron 1

  Davis, David 1, 2

  Day, Stephen 1, 2

  Dee, Kiki 1

  Delors, Jacques 1

  Dempster, Nigel 1

  Denktas, Rauf 1

  Devlin, Tim 1

  Diageo (International Distillers and Vintners) 1

  Dickens, Geoffrey 1, 2, 3

  Dicks, Terry 1, 2, 3

  Dickson, Rose 1

  Dobbie, Peter 1, 2, 3, 4

  Dromey, Jack 1

  DuCann, Sir Edward 1

  Duchess of Cambridge 1

  Dukakis, Mike 1

  Duke of York 1

  Dunboyne, Paddy (Baron Dunboyne) 1

  Duncan Smith, Iain 1, 2, 3, 4

  Dunwoody, Gwyneth 1

  Dykes, Hugh (Baron Dykes, of Harrow Weald) 1

  Edelman, Maurice 1

  Eden, Anthony (Lord Avon) 1

  Edwards, Huw 1

  Elton, Ben 1

  Emanuel, David 1

  Enfield, Harry 1

  English, David 1

  Ennals, David (Baron Ennals, Norwich) 1

  Ewart, Tim 1

  Faber, Trevor 1

  Fairburn, Sir Nicholas 1, 2

  Falkender, Marcia (Baroness Falkender, of West Haddon) 1

  Farage, Nigel 1

  Farron, Tim 1

  Field, Frank 1

  Fitt, Gerry (Baron Fitt, of Bell’s Hill) 1

  Follett, Barbara 1

  Fookes, Dame Janet (Baroness Fookes, of Plymouth) 1, 2

  Foot, Michael 1, 2, 3

  Foot, Sir Dingle 1

  Forsyth, Michael (Baron Forsyth, of Drumlean) 1

  Foster, Derek (Baron Foster, of Bishop Auckland) 1, 2, 3

  Foulkes, George (Baron Foulker, of Cumnock) 1

  Fowler, Norman (Baron Fowler, of Sutton Coldfield) 1, 2

  Fox, Paul 1

  Francis Report 1

  Freeman, Alan 1

  Freud, Sir Clement 1

  Galtieri, Leopoldo 1

  Ganzoni, John (2nd Baron Belstead) 1

  Gardiner, Sir George 1

  Garel-Jones, Tristan (Baron Garel-Jones, of Watford) 1

  Gascoyne-Cecil, Robert (5th Marquess of Salisbury) See Cranborne, Robert

  Gilbey, Tom 1

  Gill, A. A. 1

  Gilmour, Sir Ian 1

  Gladstone, William 1, 2

  Glyn, Lady Rosola 1

  Glyn, Sir Alan 1

  Goodlad, Alastair (Baron Goodlad, of Lincoln) 1

  Gordon, Mildred 1

  Gorman, Teresa 1, 2, 3

  Gormley, Joe 1

  Gove, Michael 1

  Gow, Ian 1, 2

  Grade, Michael (Baron Grade, of Yarmouth) 1

  Graham, Billy 1

  Graham, Tommy 1

  Grant, Bernie 1

  Grayling, Christopher 1

  Greer, Ian 1

  Greig, Gordon 1

  Griffiths, Sir Eldon 1, 2

  Gummer, John (Baron Deben) 1, 2, 3

  Gunn, Ben 1

  Hadley, Steven 1

  Hague, William 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  Halfon, Robert 1

  Hall, Phil 1

  Hammond, Philip 1

  Hanley, Sir Jeremy 1

  Hanna, Vincent 1

  Harman, Harriet 1, 2

  Harmsworth Jonathan (4th Viscount Rothermere) 1

  Harrison, Walter 1

  Haselhurst, Sir Alan 1, 2

  Havers, Sir Michael (Baron Havers, of St Edmundsbury) 1

  Hayes, Alison 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

  Hayes, Francesca 1

  Hayes, Lawrence 1, 2, 3

  Haynes, Joe 1

  Healey, David 1

  Healey, Denis (Baron Healey, of Riddlesden) 1, 2

  Health and Medicine Bill 1

  Heath, Sir Edward 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11

  Heathcoat-Amory, David 1

  Heddle, John 1

  Heffer, Doris 1

  Heffer, Eric 1

  Heffer, Simon 1, 2

  Helliker, Adam 1

  Hemming, John 1

  Hennessy, Patrick 1

  Hernon, Ian 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

  Heseltine, Michael (Baron Heseltine, of Thenford) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

  Hickmet, Richard 1, 2, 3

  Hicks, Jimmy 1

  Hinton, Les 1

  Hipwell, James 1

  Hirst, Damien 1

  Hislop, Ian 1, 2

  Hitchens, Peter 1

  HM The Queen 1

  Hogg, Douglas (3rd Viscount Hailsham) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  Hogg, Norman (Baron Hogg, of Cumbernauld) 1

  Holt, (James) Richard 1

  Howard, Jan 1

  Howard, Michael (Baron Howard, of Lympne) 1, 2, 3

  Howarth, Sir Gerald 1

  Howe, Elspeth (Baroness Howe, of Idlicote) 1

  Howe, Geoffrey (Baron Howe, of Aberavon) 1, 2, 3, 4

  Hume, John 1, 2

  Humphrey the Cat 1

  Humphrys, John 1

  Hunt, David (Lord Hunt of Wirral) 1

  Hunt, Jeremy 1

  Hunt, Tristram 1

  Hurd, Dou
glas (Baron Hurd, of Westwell) 1, 2, 3

  Hussein, Saddam 1

  Hussey, Marmaduke (Baron Hussey, of North Bradley) 1

  Ingrams, Richard 1

  J. Walter Thompson 1

  Jackson, Michael 1

  Jacobs, Gary 1, 2

  Jessel, Toby 1

  Jobs, Steve 1

  Jobson, Robert 1

  John Paul II, Pope 1

  Johnson, Boris 1

  Joly, Dom 1

  Jones, Gareth 1

  Joseph, Sir Keith (Baron Joseph, of Portsoken) 1

  Jowell, Dame Tessa 1

  Joyce, Eric 1

  Junor, John 1

  Kaufman, Sir Gerald 1, 2, 3

  Kavanagh, Trevor 1, 2, 3

  Kellett-Bowman, Dame Elaine 1, 2

  Kemp, Ross 1

  Kennedy, Charles 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

  Kennedy, Joe 1

  Kilroy-Silk, Robert 1

  King, Tom (Baron King, of Bridgwater) 1, 2

  Kinnock, Neil (Baron Kinnock, of Bedwellty) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

  Knight, Dame Kill (Baroness Knight of Collingtree) 1, 2

  Knowles, Michael 1

  Knox, Sir David 1

  Lamont, Norman (Baron Lamont, of Lerwick) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

  Lansley, Andrew 1

  Latham, Michael 1

  Lawrence, Sir Ivan 1

  Lawson, Nigel (Baron Lawson, of Blaby) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

  Leveson Inquiry 1

  Lightbown, David 1, 2

  Lilley, Peter 1

  Lithgow, Adrian 1, 2

  Little, Marion 1

  Littlejohn, Richard 1

  Livingstone, Ken 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

  Lloyd George, David 1, 2

  Luce, Sir Richard 1

  Lumley, Joanna 1

  McBride, Damian 1

  McCluskey, Len 1

  McDonald, Sir Trevor 1

  McFadden, Steve 1

  McGahey, Mike 1

  MacGregor, Ian 1

  Mackay, Andrew 1

  Mackay, Don 1, 2

  McKay, Peter 1

  Mackenzie, Kelvin 1, 2

  Maclean, Murdo 1, 2

  Macleod, Iain 1

  McMahon, Tommy 1

  Macmillan, Harold (1st Earl of Stockton) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

  McPherson, Edith 1

  McPherson, Graham (Suggs) 1

  McVicker, John 1

  McWilliam, John 1

  Maitland, Lady Olga 1