by Olivia Jake
“Coming here tonight, calling you last night, I wanted to be with you, to share the opening with you, do you know why, Alexandra?” his tone had changed. He was no longer pleading. He was back in control and he wanted to make it clear she understood him. “I wanted to celebrate the movie, not just because of what it means for my career, not just because I’m proud of it. I wanted to celebrate it, because it’s what brought us together. I never would have met you if it weren’t for this movie.”
Alex felt like a heel. These were words any woman would want to hear. Hell, she wanted to hear them. But was it enough? It was great when it was just the two of them, but there was so much more than just them.
But his words did work. At least for the time being. As she feared, being with him softened her resolve.
Alex sighed, “I don’t want to waste the little time that we have together fighting or arguing.” She held out her hand and when he put his in hers she pressed up on her tiptoes to give him a kiss and then said, “Congratulations on the movie, Marco. Now, let’s go celebrate.” She gave him a shy smile and led him down the hallway to the bedroom. She knew it was a cop out. She knew she should be stronger, but what she felt for him had a strength of its own.
CHAPTER 23
The next few weeks, every time Alex vowed that she couldn’t handle the life that was becoming hers and Marco’s, he’d convince her to stay and try and that things would change, that they would become easier. She hated how all of her well-made plans went out the window once he cooed in her ear, kissed that tender spot on her neck, and made her body feel the things that only he was capable of eliciting. Of course, it wasn’t just the physical that made her stay.
The movie had opened to great reviews and box office, and thankfully, Marco was able to end the public charade of him and Kimberly, which meant the constant newsfeed that had been the two of them finally waned, which only bolstered Marco’s argument for them to be together and weakened Alex’s resolve. She couldn’t tell if this was just one more part of Marco’s controlling tendencies, or her taking the easy way out. Not that she was settling. Alex wouldn’t have stayed if it were all bad. The truth was, the time that they spent together was wonderful even though they were still in their own little cocoon. Alex started opening up a part of herself she never even knew existed. She was learning there was a soft, vulnerable side that she felt safe exposing to Marco. It wasn’t that she was all hard edges, it was just that, for the first time in her adult life, there was someone who took care of Alex. And it felt amazing. So she let it continue.
And even though she was the one who hated all the sneaking around, the reality was that she was the one who wasn’t yet ready to ‘go public’. Not to mention that she had been so busy with work that even if she had wanted to spend more than just nights with him, there just wasn’t any extra time to squeeze out of her days or his. In an odd way, they were falling into somewhat of a normal routine, and Alex thought perhaps they were just like other couples, or could be. Even though she knew deep down it wasn’t the case. In the almost two months since being back from their trip, they hadn’t once been out together. It was always time spent at her house or his. And as nice as their time together was, she knew things couldn’t go on like this forever.
But there was something else. Part of her felt like she was turning into someone she didn’t recognize. She had become more emotional than ever before. Unused to sweating the small stuff, she found herself tearing up at the slightest thing. Never an emotional eater, she was grabbing things off the Kraft services table at shoots that she never ate before. And for the first time in her life, she actually felt fat. She blamed her relationship with Marco for taking this heavy emotional toll, for the eating, for the weight gain for feeling like someone other than herself… and then it hit her. The oatmeal cookie that she had just downed started coming back up just as quickly. She couldn’t remember the last time she got her period. This couldn’t be happening was her last thought as she ran off set to go puke in the women’s room.
Grateful no one else was in the bathroom, after Alex had literally tossed her cookies, she stared at her reflection and rinsed her mouth. Her heart was pounding, her head was spinning and she felt like she was going to be sick again. She knew she couldn’t stay there any longer. She needed to know if her gut was right.
Alex cut the prelight short, just one more action that was becoming a long list of things out of character for her, telling Jesús she wasn’t feeling well, and headed straight to the drugstore. She couldn’t believe that at 37 she was pulling a pregnancy test off the shelf. Grateful for self-checkout, she was able to leave without incurring the judgment of a store employee, and raced home. Once there, she wasted no time, gave no head rubs or cookies to the animals as she rushed to the bathroom only too afraid of what she was about to find. Even before she peed on the stick though, she knew in her heart and mind what the outcome would be. It wasn’t the emotional roller coaster of her relationship with Marco that was making her a basket case. It was hormones. And sure enough, that little pink plus confirmed it. Alex was pregnant.
That night, she texted Marco that she wasn’t feeling well and wouldn’t be coming over. After a few texts back and forth, assuring him that she didn’t need anything, she curled up in her bed and cried herself to sleep.
The next morning she made an emergency appointment with her OB/GYN. A few years back she had taken some family portraits as a favor for her doctor. She’d never planned on playing that card, but after the receptionist told her that Dr. Rosenberg’s next appointment wasn’t for another month, Alex, as nicely as possible, asked if she could check if the doctor could make an exception for her. After an interminably long time on hold, the receptionist came back to let Alex know that she could be seen that afternoon.
“Well, you’re right, Alex. You’re pregnant.” Dr. Rosenberg said after Alex’s quick urine sample. “And by the looks of things, you’re not too happy about it.”
“Doctor, I’ve been coming to you for how long? Ten years, at least, right?” Alex asked rhetorically and the doctor nodded. “Have you ever once heard me tell you that some day I want children?” The doctor shook her head. “I can’t be pregnant. I don’t want kids. It’s just not for me. It never has been. Ever.”
“I understand, Alex. And if you’re sure, I can do the procedure here in the office.”
This time, it was Alex who nodded and then said quietly, “I’m sure.”
“Ok, dear. I’ll let the front desk know. I do procedures on Thursdays. I can have them squeeze you in this week if you’re ready.”
“I’m ready.” Alex said somberly.
“And I’ll have them call in a prescription for the pill.” Dr. Rosenberg said and Alex just nodded, furious with herself that she had been so irresponsible that she let this happen. It wasn’t Marco’s fault, it was Alex’s. She knew better. She was the adult. And she was the one who would suffer the consequences.
The doctor gave her a sympathetic look and patted her hand. “Ok, dear. You can get dressed now.” She took a breath and then said, “Unless anything changes, I’ll see you Thursday. The girls at the front desk will give you instructions of what you’ll need to do beforehand and what to expect.” As she walked out, she turned back and said, “I’m sorry, Alex. No one wants to go through this.”
Alex mumbled a thanks thinking that truer words had never been spoken. She got dressed quickly, already aware that her jeans were a bit tighter and her breasts more tender than ever before. Then, like an elementary school kid being sent to the principal’s office, she slowly walked with her head down as she made her way to the front desk.
••••
“Jesús, I need to ask you a favor.” Alex said as she sat in her car, calling Jesús from the parking lot of the doctor’s office.
Jesús had known Alex long enough to know that a) she never asked anything of him, b) that whatever she wanted, he’d do, and c) whatever was in her voice, he’d never heard it. Well, maybe when t
hey were about to get on that small plane, but in all the time that he had known her, this didn’t sound like the Alex he knew.
“Anything for you, Alex.”
“I need a ride somewhere on Thursday. I’ll tell you when you pick me up. I just need you to take me somewhere and wait for me and then take me home. Ok?”
Jesús may not have been a straight-A student, but he wasn’t an idiot. He knew enough to know not to ask more than what Alex was offering, but more than that, he had a pretty good idea of what she needed. He’d seen enough girls in high school need the same types of ‘rides’. He’d heard the shame and embarrassment in Alex’s voice.
“You got it. What time should I pick you up?” he asked as coolly as possible. He knew the last thing she probably needed were any questions from him. She gave him the brief details and they hung up shortly thereafter. And, if he weren’t worried about possibly ending up in jail and unable to take Alex to her appointment, he would have right then and there driven over to that pendejo Marco’s house and beat his pretty-ass face to a pulp.
The ride to the doctor’s office was a quiet one. Alex simply gave Jesús the address and asked him to drop her off, that she should be ready to go a couple hours later and she’d text him when he could come back. Like a dutiful soldier, he simply nodded, mumbled, “no problem” and did as she asked.
When given the option between having a local and a general, Alex asked the doctor to just give her a local as she didn’t want the anesthesia in her system. She didn’t want this to be a bigger deal than it already was. She just wanted to get it taken care of and get back to her life.
The procedure itself didn’t take long. It was uncomfortable, loud and at a few times, painful. But Alex was grateful it was over as quickly as it was. While it was upsetting and emotional, there was no question in Alex’s mind that what she was doing was right. She didn’t want children. And she didn’t want to ruin her life because she’d made a mistake and acted irresponsibly.
True to form, Jesús picked her up when she texted and the ride back home was as quiet as the one going. The only difference was that when they got to Alex’s house, Jesús insisted, “let me help you out, Alex,” after she had winced a few times when he hit a pothole or speedbump. He parked the car and ran around the front to quickly open her door, help her out, and hold her as she walked gingerly to her door.
“Alex, can I do anything? Get you anything?” he asked, more like pleaded.
Alex gave him a soft reassuring smile and shook her head, “You’ve already done more than I should have asked. Thank you, Jesús.”
He shoved his hands in his pockets and then asked softly, “Does he even know?”
Alex wasn’t surprised by the question. She just shook her head no. And he nodded. There wasn’t much else to say. Though it made it harder for Jesús to hate Marco if the guy didn’t even know.
“Promise you’ll call if you need anything?”
Alex nodded and leaned in to kiss Jesús on the cheek. “Thank you, Jesús.” And then she turned, let herself inside her house and softly closed the door behind her.
The next few days, Alex felt like she was sleepwalking. She couldn’t exercise, she didn’t have any shoots, and she kept telling Marco that she had the flu and it was best for him to stay away, lest she infect him. By the third day, Marco had tired of Alex’s excuses and decided to show up, whether she liked it or not.
When she heard her doorbell, she knew it could only be one very stubborn, headstrong man, unwilling to take no for an answer. Alex knew she looked like shit. It wasn’t even that she felt so bad physically, she just was such a mess emotionally. She hadn’t washed her hair in days, barely even showered, and the weight she had gained had quickly disappeared after not eating at all.
“Alexandra, dios!” Marco exclaimed, worry written all over his face as he put his hand to her forehead. At least she looked the part of the sick girlfriend. “No fever, that’s good. Ay, Alexandra, pobrecita…” he trailed off as he pulled her into a hug and kissed her greasy hair. Alex felt even worse, deceiving him like this as his concern was so genuine. As nice as his warm embrace felt, Alex couldn’t accept it and pulled away, mumbling some lame excuse about not wanting to get him sick.
Once he had made it clear he wasn’t going anywhere, Alex excused herself to go shower, partly because she was so disgusted with herself, partly to escape and try to think. She wished the water could wash everything away, but knew there was only so much she could get clean. And her conscience was something that still felt very, very dirty. Not because of what she had done, but because she didn’t tell Marco. And now she was lying to him.
Resigned that she couldn’t stay in the shower forever, Alex came out to find Marco sitting in between Ansel and Annie, petting each of them. Ansel absentmindedly just kept licking and licking Marco’s hand. Seeing this made Alex smile and chuckle.
“He’s been licking my hand ever since you went into the shower. I’m starting to worry he’s going to wear the skin off.” Marco teased.
“I’ve always said that if he were a human, he’d be a chain smoker. He has to have something in his mouth or someone to lick, at all times.”
Marco’s expression turned devilish as he got up and pulled Alex into an embrace, “Perhaps that’s what you need, mi amor. I could lick you and make you feel oh so much better.” He purred in her ear.
Alex flinched and started to pull away, but Marco kept a tight hold on her. Alex had never reacted that way, sending red flags. “Alexandra, you don’t want me?” his tone wary.
“It’s not that, Marco, I just, I just can’t right now.”
“Can’t what? You can’t be with me? Why?” he asked suspiciously. “Is it your period? You know I don’t care about that.” Hearing that made Alex flinch again. She just shook her head, looking down.
“Then what, Alexandra? Is it another man? What is it?”
“I can’t Marco! I can’t have sex. Not for another month!” Alex yelled as she pushed him away.
Marco scrunched up his face, realizing there was much more to this that Alex wasn’t saying. “Why, Alexandra?” his voice low and stern.
Alex looked up at him and felt defeated. She knew she had to tell him. There was no way she’d be able to get away with not.
“Because I had an abortion last week, that’s why.”
Marco’s face fell and he actually stumbled. It was as if she had physically hit him with those words. “You what?” was all he could ask.
Alex shook her head and rolled her eyes, “Do you really want me to say it again?” by now, her tone was a mixture of exhaustion and resignation.
“And you didn’t even tell me? Or ask me? You went behind my back and did this?”
“Marco, there wasn’t anything to ask you. I know I don’t want children. There is no question in my mind, so there was nothing to ask you. It’s my body, my choice.”
“But it was my b—“
Before he could finish the word, Alex cut him off, “Marco, it was your sperm, and it was a fetus. And I wasn’t about to ruin my life, or your life, because we were irresponsible a couple of times.”
“That’s what you think it would be? Having a child with me would ruin your life?”
“Marco, I don’t know how else to say this: I don’t want children.”
“But I love you Alexandra.” He pleaded, like that was going to change anything.
“You can’t love me, Marco. I just broke your heart. And we don’t want the same things. We don’t live in the same world. You just can’t love me.”
As hurt as Marco was, he still had the strength to ask, “Can you really tell me that you don’t love me?”
Alex wasn’t ready for that question. But she knew the answer. And it didn’t matter. “I’m not saying that, Marco. But this isn’t the movies. Love doesn’t conquer all.”
Marco shook his head, looking down, collecting his thoughts, and when he looked back up at her, he actually scared her. “No, Alexandra,
it doesn’t. So maybe you love me, but you obviously don’t respect me. Because if you did, you would have told me you were pregnant.” He looked down again, and this time, when he looked back up, he had tears in his eyes. “I respect you enough to understand your choice, your feelings.” He shook his head again. “I cannot believe you didn’t even tell me.”
“What difference would it have made, Marco? Huh? If I told you, you would have tried to talk me out of it.”
“You have a crystal ball now, Alexandra?”
She couldn’t blame him for being a prick, but she hated his tone nonetheless. “Marco, you don’t take no for an answer. Every time I’ve tried to tell you that I want something different, you convince me to do it your way.”
“Like what? Like every time you get scared and try to run away, I show you that I love you and that you’re safe with me and that being together is good, or was good, for both of us? All this time, you’ve only been with me because I’ve ‘convinced’ you?” he spat out, using air quotes.
“You know that’s not true.”
“Well then what is it that I’ve made you do? Hmmm? What!?”
“Does it really matter what I say at this point?” Alex asked and Marco just looked at her, knowing that, in fact, it didn’t.
“You said a while ago that it shouldn’t be this difficult, at least not at the beginning. And you said we keep taking one step forward and two steps back. And you know what, Alexandra, congratulations, you’re right. On both counts.”
Marco started towards the door, and then turned back to Alex one more time. “I would have supported your decision, Alexandra. I would have been there for you.” he shook his head. “I thought you knew me.”
And with that, he walked out.
CHAPTER 24
Alex’s life went back to ‘normal’, as in pre-Marco normal. Without going into why, she let Kara know that she and Marco had split up and once again, asked her to keep her busy with shoots. Kara kept up her end of the bargain and left Alex with little time to do much else for the better part of a month. Unfortunately, that didn’t mean that her mind was always occupied. She couldn’t believe just how much she missed being with him. She tried to reconcile that it would have ended at some point, that there was no real future for them, and that ending it after a few months was better than… oh hell, it didn’t really matter when they ended it, just that it was no more. Alex tried to put on a brave face, but those around her, especially Jesús, knew she was hurting.