There Goes Sunday School

by Alexander C. Eberhart

“If you say so.” I cross my arms, leaning up against the least greasy looking spot on the wall. Leave it to Jackie to pick the ugliest, hipster name for her inanimate objects. Just another item to add to the growing list of dumb shit white girls do.

  “You okay?” Jackie leans closer, tossing her spent cigarette aside. “You don’t look too good.”

  “Peachy,” I say, giving a weak smile. My life is just falling apart. Don’t worry about me.

  “Well keep your distance.” She retreats a few steps. “No way I’m getting sick right before I have my first taste of freedom.”

  “I’m not sick,” I tell her.

  “Yeah, yeah.” Jackie scoffs. “That’s exactly what the sick guy always says before all hell breaks loose. If you turn me into a zombie, I’ll never forgive you.”

  The muffled sound of the bell reaches our trashy outskirts.

  “Come on.” I’m just not in the mood for our usual repartee. “We’re gonna be late for class.”

  This whole Chris situation has got me all turned around. The worst part? I can’t stop thinking about how sad he looked last night. After seeing him change over the couple of weeks we’ve been hanging out, it’s kinda soul crushing to see that fade. In like a second.

  That’s what happens when you catch feels, I guess.

  Jackie and I join the stream of half-awake teens, moving obliviously through their morning. It baffles me how so many people can be going about their normal lives while mine is constantly on the verge of falling apart. Just doesn’t seem fair.

  “I’m glad Chris decided to join us last night,” Jackie says. And my stomach tightens with the mention of his name. Stupid fucker. “He was so much fun!”

  “Yup.” Until he ruins your life.

  “Katie was macking pretty hard on him,” she continues.

  “Really?” My whole body tenses. “What do you mean?”

  Why are you asking that, Mike?

  “Oh, come on, Mike. I know you’re pretty dense, but you had to see the thirst in that poor girl’s eyes.” We stop by her locker, and she riffles through a stack of textbooks before closing it back. “When he was sitting next to me after dinner, she was hardcore staring. She’d blush like crazy every time I caught her. She’s a precious bee-bee.”

  “I guess I didn’t notice,” I reply.

  “So naïve.” She pats my shoulder.

  I can only shrug. I don’t care who stares at Chris. Wait…. Shit. I do care about it.

  “I’ll see you at lunch!” She calls, leaving me to sort through these horribly conflicting feelings. Some friend.

  Why should I care if a girl stares at the boy I don’t like? That just doesn’t make sense. Like at all. Where’s an adult?

  I hang a left into Dr. Redford’s classroom. He perches behind his desk, a stack of papers in front of him and glasses pulled as far down his nose as they can go. Today’s vest of choice is a shade of maroon that makes him look like he’s been swimming in wine.

  Shuffling through my bag, I hand over my paper with as much of a smile as I can muster. Best of luck, Redford. That one’s going to be rough.

  “Thank you, Mr. Hernandez,” Dr. Redford says without looking up.

  And I turn to take my seat, greeted with a surprise I never asked for.

  Chris is already at his desk, leg bouncing up and down. He looks like a caged puppy, all trembles and shaking and excitement.

  It’s kind of cute.

  No. No, no, no. We aren’t doing this today, Mike. Operation Ignore Chris is a go.

  “Hey, Mike,” he whispers as I take my seat.

  I pull out my textbook, flipping aimlessly through the pages.

  “I was hoping we could talk today,” he continues. “About last night.”

  “What about it?” I ask casually. That’s it. Stay strong, you got this. You’re suave AF.

  Chris lets out an annoyed huff. “You can’t act like nothing happened.”

  “Actually,” I say as I toss a glance his way, “that’s exactly what I can do.”

  “Mike, please—”

  “Mr. Myers,” Dr. Redford says as he flips the lock on the door, “just because you arrived earlier than usual doesn’t mean that you get the privilege of speaking in my classroom, is that understood?”

  “Yes, sir.” Chris falls silent, leg starting up again. He’s gonna lose a shoe at this point.

  Okay, so we’re off to a good start. Sooner or later, he’ll give up. I just need to hold out until then. I can totally do this.

  “Ladies and gentlemen,” Dr. Redford says and leans against his desk, speaking in his usual bored tone, “it has been brought to the attention of the administration that some of the school policies need to be reviewed. Principal Peters has asked me to reiterate these here in the classroom, so I must advise you to please pay attention as I will not be repeating myself and failure to adhere to these policies may lead to expulsion. Do I make myself clear?”

  Half-hearted murmurs of agreement pass in a wave.

  Oh great, who decided to graffiti the bathroom wall again? I hope it was another flattering caricature of Double P where his chin is a pair of balls. That was epic. I think I still have a snap of that on my phone.

  “There have been several reports of inappropriate behavior between students on school property,” he continues. “More specifically, between students of the same sex.”

  “Gaaaay,” someone calls from the back of the room.

  My cheeks burn, and I drop my eyes to the floor. I can’t show a reaction. Don’t give yourself away, Mike.

  “Even though the administration realizes these incidents are most likely ill-natured jokes.” Dr. Redford drones on as if he didn’t hear anything, reading his notes like a bad teleprompter. “We would like to remind you any inappropriate contact between two parties of the same sex is in direct violation to school policy and may lead to disciplinary actions including, but not limited to, suspension, expulsion, and mandatory counseling.”

  I lift my head to the side, pretending to check the clock hanging on the wall. Chris looks like he’s about to throw up.

  Good. He needs to know just what he is asking me to risk here. Maybe this little reminder will solve my Chris problem. Now, I can focus on getting through the next two years without getting myself expelled.

  “Excuse me?”

  “Yes, Mr. Myers?” Dr. Redford sighs.

  Chris lowers his hand. “May I ask a question?”

  Dr. Redford nods his bald head, a sheen of light reflecting off it.

  “I believe the policy forbids inappropriate contact between any two parties,” Chris starts. “And, speaking from experience, I’ve seen plenty of contact between a boy and a girl on school grounds.”

  “Yeah, Tabby,” a guy calls from the back. “Keep it in your pants.”

  “Shut up, Reed!” Tabby Freeman hisses from the back row.

  I can smell her breath from up here. Does she know that toothpaste is a thing?

  “What’s your point, Mr. Myers?” Dr. Redford sounds about as interested as a sloth with ADD.

  “My point is,” Chris adds, “the administration doesn’t bat an eye when someone violates this policy as long as it’s a boy and a girl. But if, let’s say, two boys share a friendly hug, then alarms go off like someone’s been shot. I think it’s kind of a double standard.”

  My heart is a jackhammer. What the fuck is he doing? You might as well just lay under a huge fucking magnifying glass, Chris!

  Dr. Redford lowers his glasses even farther down his crooked nose to look at Chris. “One could conclude, Mr. Myers, your argument calls for the condoning of homosexual behavior. Is that your intention?”

  Muttering ripples through the classroom.

  This can’t be happening. Please, stop.

  “I-it’s not that,” he stammers in response. “It’s just I think there should be the same awareness and punishment for the same violation of policy.”

  The class goes dead silent. All eyes focus on Chris a
nd Redford. I want to crawl under my desk and die.

  “This is an interesting topic,” Dr. Redford replies finally, though he doesn’t actually sound interested at all. “I would like to open this up for discussion. Just so everyone understands,” he addresses the class, “Mr. Myers believes the punishment for engaging in inappropriate behavior with someone of the same sex and someone of the opposite sex should be treated in the same manner. I would like to hear some of your thoughts.”

  Surprisingly, a few hands shoot up.

  “Yes, Ms. Freeman.”

  “You can’t possibly compare the two,” Tabby answers. “Love between a man and a woman is from God. They’re just acting on their natural inclinations. But same-sex attraction is unnatural. God despises it, so we should too.”

  Yeah, well, I despise your putrid breath, you cow.

  “Is that why you spread your love so freely, Tabby?” Chris fires back.

  “That’s enough Mr. Myers. And caution, Ms. Freeman,” Dr. Redford responds. “Our natural inclination is sin. We must hold ourselves to a higher standard.”

  “I would like to point out,” Chris interrupts, “we aren’t talking about what’s right or wrong in God’s eyes. We’re discussing an issue of school policy.”

  “Which should mirror,” Dr. Redford replies, pointedly. “Yes, Mr. Durham?”

  “I have to side with Myers on this one,” Hunter Durham says from the back row. “If it’s wrong, it’s wrong. I don’t think it should matter who does it.”

  More mixed murmurs resound.

  “You make a valid point, as does Mr. Myers.” Dr. Redford removes his glasses, making his eyes small and beady. “However, your understanding of the subject is a bit narrow, so let me help you see it from another perspective.” He moves along the rows of desks. “Let’s try to explain this the way Jesus would, through an allegory.”

  The class responds with a resounding groan.

  Tim Green kicks the back of Chris’s chair. “Thanks a lot, Myers.”

  Redford goes on. “A man hosts a gathering of friends. A party, rave, shindig, or whatever it is you call it these days.”

  We call it a party. What the hell is a shindig?

  “After the party concludes, the man notices one of his valuable possessions has gone missing. Let’s say his Walkman.”

  “His what?” someone calls from the row behind me.

  “Not important.” Redford clears his throat. “The man confronts his friends one at a time and discovers one of them has stolen from him. The friend apologizes, showing repentance for their actions, and the man forgives him.

  “The next night, the man wakes to the sound of someone breaking into his home. Upon inspection, he finds the thief has taken his Walkman.”

  “I still don’t know what that is.”

  “It’s not— Listen. Bear with me. The authorities apprehend the thief and bring him before the man for judgment.”

  “That’s not how the legal system works.”

  “Allegory, Ms. Taft,” Redford responds. “Now, hush. The thief is brought before the man from who he stole, and the man condemns this man to be imprisoned for the rest of his days.” Redford pauses, replacing his glasses to stare right at me.

  My heart is a humming bird in my ear.

  “Now, let me pose this question. Why do you think the man’s reaction was so different between the two thieves though their initial crime was identical?”

  The class remains silent. Though, to be honest, I think half of them are Googling what a Walkman is.

  “Yes, Ms. Taft.”

  “He reacted differently because the other one was his friend.”

  “Not necessarily,” Redford replies. “The main difference between the thieves was far simpler. The first was invited into the man’s home. Their presence was expected. It was right they were there. Now, let’s consider the second thief. Was he invited into the man’s home?”

  “No.” Samantha Taft shakes her head.

  “That’s correct. So, inherently, the second thief was wrong from the moment he set foot in the house. In the eyes of the man, the second thief had committed a greater injustice, even though it was the same.”

  “I don’t get it,” Sam says.

  God bless her. She’s pretty.

  Dr. Redford lets out a sigh that most likely is the side effect of his dreams slowly dying. “The point is this,” he says as he reaches the front of the classroom, turning to us. “Even though both parties were in the wrong, the second was condemned because of the intent in their heart. To better compare our two situations, Mr. Myers, these instances you mention between boys and girls, are they against the school’s policy? Absolutely. But, as Ms. Freeman pointed out, they are not inherently evil at their root. Therefore, they are forgiven far easier in the eyes of the school.

  “However, the other situation I am referring to is represented by the second thief in our story. Their perversions are wrong from the moment they decide to act on them. And so, in that regard, they are to be condemned more harshly because their intent isn’t pure. They go against God’s very nature.”

  I’m pretty sure everyone can hear my heartbeat at this point. The room is that quiet.

  “Does everyone understand?”

  More muttering.

  “Someone who gives into their sinful nature is wrong from the moment they decide to act. Now, then, Mr. Myers,” Dr. Redford says once he is back at his desk. “I believe that settles your question, does it not?”

  “Yes, sir,” Chris’s answer is almost a whisper.

  “Good. Now, then, shall we move into the Gospel of John?”

  “Mike,” Chris calls after me.

  I keep moving down the hall. That was such a shit show, I don’t know how I even made it through. I want to go cry in the bathroom. Instead, I’m running away from Chris.

  “Mike!”

  Jesus, is he trying to stick out like a sore thumb?

  My locker opens with a click, and I cycle the books in my bag.

  “Can we talk for a second?” he asks, coming up beside me.

  “What is there to talk about, Chris? You were sitting in the same classroom I was. You heard what’s at stake here.”

  “I heard this school doesn’t treat everyone equally, and that’s not fair.”

  “Well, no shit, Sherlock,” I hiss. The fact I have to tell him that is ridiculous. He’s the same age as I am. Why doesn’t he know this? “Life isn’t fair. It baffles me you haven’t realized that yet.”

  “Is that supposed to be a joke?” Chris says a little too loud. “Because I know just as much as anyone.”

  “Then why is everything such a big shock to you, huh?” I slam my locker shut. “We got the short end of the stick, Chris. Deal with it.”

  “This is me dealing with it.” He doesn’t seem keen on lowering his volume any time soon. “I’m trying to make sense of everything, but I can’t. Not when I’m surrounded from all sides with people screaming ignorance. Not by myself.”

  If I don’t get out of here soon, someone is bound to notice how he is looking at me.

  “I have to go.”

  “Wait.”

  His fingers wrap around my forearm. His eyes find mine, and that funny squeezing feeling rears its ugly head, wrapping around my chest.

  “Please.”

  A guy across the hall watches us. He whispers to the girl beside him.

  This has gone on long enough.

  I pull away from Chris, shaking my head. “I’m sorry.”

  It’s a conscious effort to stop myself from running as I move away from him, dodging glances left and right. I catch a glance of the girl across the hall. It’s Tabby.

  Great. That’s just who I need watching me.

  The lunch table is as noisy as ever, but the words just melt together as I try not to look as guilty as I feel.

  Now I’m no stranger to churnings of guilt twisting inside of me, but today’s batch is especially powerful. Or maybe it’s the horrendous
smell of Tabby’s breath coming from across the table. She leans over to whisper in Tanner’s ear. I’m surprised his flesh doesn’t peel of the bone. I swear, her insides are rotting.

  Chris’s stupid face pops back in my head. His hurt expression as I walked away from him engraved in my memory.

  “Wait, what?” Tanner says, loud enough to catch my attention.

  She cuts her eyes at him, then leans in again, red-stained lips moving silently.

  What is she saying?

  Tanner makes eye contact with me and my blood runs cold. Oh shit, this is it. I’m a dead man.

  “Hey, Mike.” He closes his laptop—an indicator I’m not going to like what he says next. “You have Dr. Red-turd for first period, right?”

  “Uhh….” I can’t seem to form coherent words, so I settle for nodding my head.

  “Did he really say they caught two girls making out behind the gym?”

  “Huh?”

  He turns back to Tabby. “See? This is why I never believe you.”

  “I didn’t say Redford confirmed the rumor,” Tabby defends herself. “But what he did say should be evidence enough.”

  “Well, what did he actually say?”

  “It was some policy mumbo jumbo.” She twists a strand of hair around her finger. “But he was talking about inappropriate same-sex behavior, so I figured it had to be the lezzie’s the softball team keeps talking about.”

  “Why am I never around for the hot stuff?” Tanner asks, opening his laptop once more. “I mean, next you’re going to tell me they wrestled in a pool full of pudding.”

  “Pudding?” Jackie calls from the other end of the table. She and Larry have been locked in an intense round of tot-toss, which unfortunately isn’t about lobbing small children into the air.

  A tater tot flies into the opening of her blouse.

  “Yes!” Larry leaps to his feet. “Undefeated champ!”

  The rest of the table half-heartedly applauds his triumph, except Taylor, who shows her undying support.

  “Rematch!” Jackie yells over the noise, digging through her cleavage. “I was seduced by a pudding daydream.”

  “Hey, Mike.” Katie’s soft voice barely registers, even though she’s sitting right beside me. “Where’s Chris? I haven’t seen him all day.”