The little old lady that lost out on our table cuts me a nasty look from across the room.
“Jesus, Mike.” Jackie elbows me. “You can’t just shout ‘fuck’ in a public place.”
“Fucking watch me,” I fire back, running my burnt tongue over the inside of my cheek.
“You okay?” Jackie raises an eyebrow. “You seem a little more bitter than usual, not that I don’t fucking love it.”
“Fuck you.”
Chris emerges from his hiding place, walking back to the table with a seemingly new confidence.
“Sorry about that,” he says, sitting down.
“Didn’t you say you were getting a drink?” Jackie asks.
“That’s not important.” Chris leans forward to rest his elbows on the table. “Jackie, I have something I want to tell you. And Mike, since you’re here, I guess you can listen too.”
“Oh, boy.” Jackie folds her hands in her lap. “Chris, I’m flattered, really. But I don’t think this is going to work out.”
Chris blinks. “What?”
“I mean, I know we’ve been hanging out a lot lately,” Jackie continues. “And I’m a lot of fun, but that doesn’t mean we’re compatible.”
“What are you talking—”
“Chris, please.” Jackie places her hand on his arm. “Just stop this before it gets awkward. I mean, Mike is sitting right here. Let’s just promise to stay friends, then we can go about like none of this ever happen—”
“Jackie,” Chris says as he slaps his palms against the table, “stop it!”
She recoils.
“That’s not what I wanted to tell you,” he says.
“Oh.” She almost looks disappointed. “What then?”
Chris lets out a breath, throwing a glance over his shoulders.
Oh God, please don’t let him say what I think he’s about to say.
“Jackie,” he whispers. “I’m…gay.”
Jackie’s expression mirrors my own—eyes wide and mouth hanging slightly open.
Come on, Big Guy! What the fuck is he doing?
“Um….” Jackie pulls herself together, eyes fluttering as she tries to process. “Okay. Okay. That was… Yeah. Okay.”
“You’re one of the first people I’ve told,” Chris says, cutting his eyes to me. I sink in my chair, away from his gaze. “But I wanted you to know.”
“Wow….” She looks over at me.
I honestly don’t even know what emotion I’m displaying at this point.
“I’m honored, Chris. Really. What made you want to start telling people? If that’s okay for me to ask. I mean you don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to. It’s totally okay if—”
“It’s fine.” Chris cuts her off. Jackie tends to ramble when she’s nervous. “I just feel like it’s time, ya know?”
He looks at me, and an idea explodes to life. A horrible idea. A heinous idea. One that makes me want to jump across this table and throttle him.
Is he trying to force me out? Is that what all this has been? He’s trying to get me to tell Jackie too.
“Have you told your parents yet?” Jackie asks.
“No,” Chris answers. “For pretty obvious reasons.”
“That’s understandable.” She wrings her hands together. “Shit, what about school? They can’t find out.”
“I was hoping you’d help me keep it under wraps.” Chris runs his fingers through his hair. “For now, at least.”
“Of course,” she agrees. “Jesus, I’m so embarrassed. Here I was thinking you were going to confess your love for me. How much further off could I have been?”
They share an awkward laugh, and I’m still swimming in conspiracy theories.
“So…” Jackie leans over her hot chocolate. “Do you, like, have a secret boyfriend?”
“Not even.” Chris laughs.
“That’s a shame….” She pouts. “Are you at least interested in anyone?”
“There is this one guy,” he replies. “But it was just a crush, and it didn’t work out.”
I shoot him a look that says, ‘Shut the fuck up.’
“Who was it?” Jackie inquires.
“Nobody.” Chris waves her off. “Just some jerk.”
Oh no he didn’t.
“He must have been,” Jackie agrees.
Is that any way to talk about your best friend, Jackie?
“Anyway…” Chris changes the subject. “Now that’s over with, did you finish that paper for Ms. Reed?”
“Fuuuck,” Jackie groans. “Yes. And I hate that evil bitch.”
Chris laughs, and I try to pretend I’m some place far away.
“Can you believe it?” Jackie asks as soon as we get in the car. “I mean, looking back, I guess there were a few signs, but…”
“It’s crazy,” I mutter, fastening my seatbelt.
“Poor guy.” She cranks the ignition, backing out. “Being gay must be hard enough, but being a gay P.K.? Jesus.”
“Uh-huh.”
“What’s your deal, Mike?” Jackie questions. “You hardly said a word. Would it have killed you to be supportive?”
I don’t respond.
“Don’t tell me you’re weirded out by Chris now. What, you don’t want to be his friend because he’s gay?”
“That’s not it,” I tell her.
“Then enlighten me.”
“It’s nothing.”
“Whatever.” She huffs, switching the radio on.
And I wish I could tell her, but like always, the words are caught in my throat and it’s all I can do to keep from choking on them.
The last thing I want to do is walk into Sunday school where I’ll have to suffer from Jackie and Chris’s combined looks of disappointed. However, my alternative is to stay in the car and be roasted alive by the sun. So, I suppose the decision is easy to make.
After I lumber down to the basement level, I step through the side door, expecting to be greeted with the lung-burning scent of cigarette smoke. Instead, nothing but fresh air and a fat squirrel greets me.
Where is everyone?
I shut the door, resuming my path to The Well. It doesn’t take long to spot Jackie, seated on the couch in the corner and talking low. Chris sits beside her, and just seeing him makes my blood boil.
Fine. If that’s the game he wants to play, I can’t help that. But he won’t force me to do something I don’t want to do.
“Good morning, Mike,” Katie calls from where she’s observing a round of foosball.
“Hey, Katie.” I tear my eyes from Jackie and Chris, moving toward the table. “How are you?”
“I’m alright, thank you,” she replies, throwing a glance to the corner. “They’ve been over there all morning,” she tells me. “I didn’t know they were so close.”
“Me neither,” I respond. Poor Katie. Now, not only does she think Chris is into Jackie, she doesn’t know she literally has no chance with him.
We both watch the game for a moment until I see Tanner walk in.
I’ve been going back and forth all night, thinking about whether I want to do this. Another glance to the happy friend-couple on the couch steels my resolve.
“See you,” I tell Katie, walking back to the sound booth where Tanner is stowing his backpack.
“What’s with those two?” he asks me, digging for his laptop.
“Turns out Tabby was right,” I tell him.
“Right about what?” Tanner lowers himself onto the stool as he adjusts a few knobs on the board.
“Chris. He told me and Jackie yesterday he’s gay.”
“Holy shit,” Tanner breathes, ceasing his tuning. “Wait, why would he tell you guys that?”
“I have no idea,” I lie.
“Still…that’s pretty crazy. Oh God, that poor guy. What’s his dad gonna do when he finds out?”
“Who knows?”
“Okay everyone!” Arnold calls from the stage. “Today, we have a great lesson in store. So, let’s gather!�
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“I want more details,” Tanner tells me, “after Sunday school.”
I nod, climbing down out of the booth and making my way to my usual chair on the back row. Jackie never comes to join me.
Arnold rants for a few minutes, then grabs this ridiculous cardboard cutout of a jail cell. He holds onto the bars, making some cliché metaphor.
“All right, guys and gals,” he concludes, “let’s split into life groups and discuss these ideas from the Gospel of John.”
The crowd scatters around the room, and I sink into my beanbag. Fat Tom Selleck must be sick today, which means Arnold is leading our group. What a treat.
“All right, all right, all right,” he plops down on one of the bags, struggling to sit up enough see us. “Was there a particular verse that stood out for you guys?”
Chris raises his hand.
“Yes, Chris?”
“Verse thirty-two really spoke to me this morning,” he says, locking eyes with me.
“Excellent.” Arnold flips through his bible. “Hang on, let’s refresh everyone’s memory. Verse thirty-two reads, ‘Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.’ What do you think that verse is talking about, Chris?”
“Well, it’s obviously talking about the truth of salvation through Jesus,” Chris responds, sounding bored, “but I think we can get more from it.”
“Go on, my dude.”
Someone snorts at Arnold.
“What I mean is, there’s a reason Jesus speaks so much about truth. We can take something away from that saying, ‘The truth will set you free,’.”
“And what’s that?” Arnold prompts.
“Let’s say, you’re keeping something a secret.” Chris continues, staring right at me. “That secret can hurt you over time. Twist the way you see things, even drive you crazy. But just like the verse says, the truth can set you free. It takes that burden away, so you don’t have to deal with it alone.”
“What a great point,” Arnold agrees. “We all carry secrets, right? And here’s one of mine. Yes, even I carry secrets. What Jesus is saying here is that—”
I’ve heard enough of this. I roll over the side of the bean bag, climbing to my feet. No way I’m going to sit here and have Chris beat me up for something he has absolutely no say in.
“Where are you going?” Arnold asks as I leave the group.
“Moved by the spirit,” I say, patting my stomach.
Arnold chuckles. “‘Nuff said.”
I push open the doors to the hallway and duck into one of the empty classrooms.
Where the hell does this guy get off, thinking he can guilt me into coming out? He of all people should know this is my decision. I will do it on my terms.
Whatever those are.
Let’s be honest here, Big Guy, I’m not even sure I want to come out. As You can imagine, there are more than a few conflicting emotions rolling around inside my head at the moment. Seriously, what am I supposed to do right now?
I wait around for an answer that isn’t coming, fretting until I hear the sounds of people walking down the hall. Taking a steadying breath, I escape my hiding place and run headfirst into Tanner.
“Hey!” He grabs my arms to keep from knocking me down. “Jesus, you scared the sh— The crap out of me.”
“Sorry.” I replant my feet, so he can let go of me.
“No worries.” Tanner laughs. “Hey, what’s up with Jackie this morning? Is this about that thing we can’t talk about?”
“I think so,” I tell him. “As long as you’re talking about the thing I think you’re talking about.”
“I’m talking about that thing you told me. Oh, for fuck’s sake.” He slaps his hand across his mouth. “Just come on. We’re ditching service.”
That’s more than fine with me, so I follow him up the stairs and out into the parking lot. We climb into his car, and he cranks it up to get the air going.
“All right.” He shifts towards me in his seat, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Tell me everything.”
I fill him in on my evening at Clark’s Cup with Jackie and Chris. I leave out the parts where I purposely didn’t say something, and the awkward drive home.
“So, I guess Tabby cat was right….” Tanner muses.
“Ew.” I groan. “Please don’t call her that.”
“Sorry.” He waves me off. “Jesus, what a mess.”
“You’re not going to say anything, are you?”
“No way.” Tanner looks offended I’d even ask. “I only deal in petty, minor gossip. I don’t ever spread the earth-shattering, life-ruining stuff. I just bear that in silence.”
“Good.”
“You all right, Mike?” he asks me. “Seems like this topic has you a bit on edge. He didn’t try to hit on you or something, did he?”
“What? No, of course not! Shut up!”
“Dude—” Tanner raises his hands— “chill. I was only joking.”
“R-right.” I fake a pained laugh.
“You sure you’re—”
“Totally. I’m good.”
“Okay then.” Tanner turns on the radio. “I think you need to unwind a little. You and Jackie coming over after church?”
“Can’t speak for her, but I’ll be there.”
Maybe things will start making more sense when I’m high.
“Where’s your little boyfriend?” Tanner asks Jackie as she climbs out of her car. We’ve been waiting on the stoop for at least twenty minutes for her to show up.
“Who?” She almost sounds believable.
“Oh, never mind.” He bounds up two stairs and heads inside.
Jackie looks at me, wrinkling her nose as if it’s a Tuesday by the dumpsters.
“What?”
“Oh, nothing.” She sniffs, passing me.
I’m not going to deal with this. Not from my best friend. Chris can take a lot of things from me, but not her.
“Bullshit.” I follow her into the house. “If you have a problem with me, why don’t you just come out and say it.”
“I really don’t think this is the best place to discuss this, Michael.”
“Michael?” I laugh. “Okay, Jacquelyn. Two can play at that game.”
“What’s going on in there?” Tanner calls.
“Nothing!” Jackie shouts, then turns to me. “Don’t say anything.”
“About Chris?” I can’t believe she’s this defensive over him. “Too late! He already knows. In fact, he knew before you did, Jackie.”
“What?” She looks hurt.
Tanner walks in with an armful of snacks. “What do I know?”
Jackie turns on him now. “You knew about Chris being gay?”
“Well… I… You see… I wasn’t sure until I heard it from Mike.”
“What? How could you do that, Mike?” Jackie reels back to me.
“Do what? All I did was confirm a rumor Tanner had already told me. It’s not like I outed him.”
“That’s exactly what you did!” she shouts. “How do you not see that?”
Why is she getting so upset over this? I’m the one who should be upset. I’m the one who’s actually gay.
“What does it matter, Jackie?”
“What does it matter? Jesus, Mike! Chris trusted us enough to share that part of himself, and all you did was sit there like a fucking corpse. Would it have killed you to show an inkling of support?”
“Okay.” Tanner tries to step between us.
Jackie smacks his shoulder. “Stay out of this!”
I’ve had it. Something snaps inside me, releasing a torrent that spews from my mouth.
“What do you want from me Jackie?” I shout over her. “Do you want me call Chris over here? Do you want me to hold his hand and tell him everything’s going to be okay? To tell him his parents are going to accept him for who he is? Because news flash, they won’t!”
Jackie blinks.
“Do you want me to tell him the congregation of peop
le he shares religion with are going to welcome him with open arms? Because that’s a fucking lie too! How can you expect me to say everything’s going to be okay when it’s not! It’s not okay! He’s not okay! And I don’t have to stand here and explain myself to you.”
Her lips trembles but I don’t let up. The words just keep pouring out.
“And who are you to say otherwise? Who are you to say it gets better? Who are you say anything will change? You, a silly little straight white girl who thinks she knows something? The sooner he realizes these things are lies, the better off he’s going to be.”
“Mike….”
Tanner takes a step towards me, but Jackie is faster.
Her fist slams into my nose with a crunch.
“Fuck!” I shout, hand cupping under the blood dripping from my nose.
Jackie’s chest heaves as she shakes her hand. “I really hope that hurt.” She grabs the collar of my shirt with her uninjured hand. “You homophobic little shit.”
With a shove, I’m on my ass and Jackie storms out the front door.
I touch my nose, wincing as pain shoots through me.
“Hey, Mike?” Tanner looms awkwardly over me. “Can you try not the bleed on Mom’s rug? She’s going to crucify me.”
Fuck.
I manage to convince my parents Tanner and I were throwing a football, and I took one to the face. My lack of hand-eye coordination must really sell it because they buy it hook, line, and sinker.
Dad drops me and Rosy off outside school on Monday. “Tell coach you need to stay out of the water until that heals up,” he tells me.
I stop myself from walking toward the dumpsters. No way am I going to give Jackie the satisfaction of seeing my bloodied and bruised nose. Chris is bound to be over there with her. Sharing some sob story, I’m sure.
I have to do something. It’s one thing for him to try to manipulate me, but stealing my closest friend? I won’t take that laying down.
Walking the halls, I’m in desperate search mode. Though, I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to be saying to him when I do find him. Finally, I resort to waiting by Dr. Redford’s door, ready to catch him before he scoots through in the nick of time.
Sure enough, at three past nine, he comes jogging down the hall. He freezes in his tracks when he sees me.
There Goes Sunday School Page 19