The Odd Amorous Adventures of the Gay Gingerbread Man

by Alex Roth

  Chapter 6

  Brisbane

  Leaving Darwin, he goes to the east coast of the continent, to Brisbane. He is tired of rented houses in lower class suburbs. He wants something better. He remembers his pretty little house in Tamworth, fully furnished with no mortgage. If he got it once, he can get it again. The unfortunate glitch that was Darwin is soon forgotten. Once he gets to Brisbane, he again breaks his cardinal rules. The new primary school there is in a rather select part of Brisbane, full of charming old Queenslanders, tastefully restored and full of antiques, something our hero has always admired. Teacher Susie lives in one of them with her mother. She is small and pretty, with black hair, pink cheeks, and a soft voice, a little like Disney’s Snow White. Nevertheless, the Gingerbread Man takes no interest in her looks or in her, until he spots the sky- blue Mercedes that she drives to work. Susie has none of the qualities he wants, she is neither gay and nor does she live alone far from her nearest and dearest. Normally this would add up to a definite no, no. However, he casts his aspirations aside just for once, and decides to make money a priority.

  Susie is only twenty-five, but every single man under fifty in Brisbane, she assures him, has her cell number in his little black cell. Until his death six years ago, her father kept them all at bay. She says sorrowfully that mother is sweet but easily swayed, tending to judge all the men who run after Susie by their looks and the compliments they pay her. As he hears Susie’s story, our hero brightens considerably. This is the kind of mother he approves of, as she will undoubtedly approve of him. So, it proves to be. Susie’s mother is a fifty- year- old carbon copy of Susie, with a few wrinkles but many gold rings and bracelets. She proves to be just as gullible as Susie and the masterful now dead husband has resulted in her also being somewhat naïve. In her heyday when she married her masterful husband, all he wanted was a sweet young girl, well-dressed, an asset when the occasion required it and a readiness to agree with all his opinions. After her marriage, her masterful husband told her he would look after her and she need not worry her pretty little head about anything (they did say things like that in the far distant past). The result was that her pretty little head never worried. She never wanted for anything and has no monetary sense, nor does she need it, even after his death. She is as astonished as Susie when these mercenary men appear who want her darling daughter only for what she can give them financially.

  The Gingerbread Man is also astonished! A pretty girl like Susie (so like her mother), surely not! So sad about her father. Isn’t there any other male figure in the family who might hold those vultures at bay? Unfortunately, not. They are quite alone in the world. This is getting better and better. The Gingerbread Man dreams that he is happily sliding into a tub of lard, golden lard. He is sympathetic and gives her his inevitably available shoulder to cry on. She cries a lot, especially after her latest boyfriend proves to be just like all the others. He drives a Toyota SUV and has an important job at the Crohamhurst Observatory. After taking her out for four months the Toyota SUV boyfriend confesses to her that he has been a little careless with his finances so his credit rating is non-existent. This is unfortunate as he wants to buy a new Toyota SUV. Could Susie help him out by signing the loan application? As soon as she hears this, she knows that yet again here is another man only interested in her money. She has heard this story before and was left with the debts incurred by a previous boyfriend or perhaps it was the one before him. Well, no matter how naïve she once was, once bitten twice shy, thinks Susie and falls into the arms of the Gingerbread Man. He pats her hand reassuringly and says many soothing things until she feels better.

  We know of his continual financial difficulties. So, do Susie and her mother. He is quite open about them. He takes her to KFC, telling her of his struggle to pay his university fees while working there. Susie sighs sympathetically and wishes she could do something for him, but he is careful never to ask her for anything and is quite adamant in always paying for their fried chicken nuggets and Coke himself. Susie is quite unused to dates at KFC and other eateries of this nature but understands that this is what he can afford. Both Susie and the holder of the purse strings, her mother, have been won over. Particularly poignant are his stories of the difficulties incumbent in his role as a single dad. They are unaware that Linda’s parents still take an interest in their grandson and contribute to his upbringing, including paying high school fees. Susie’s mother, a bit of a snob, is impressed that Nicholas is at an expensive boarding school in Perth. No wonder the Gingerbread Man struggles financially.

  After some eight months of fast food dates, not only Susie but her mother as well have fallen for his twinkly blue eyes and his magnetism. For the first time, he has misgivings about his allure, so this is a great relief to him after the catastrophe in Darwin. At the time, he feared that his inevitable appeal for women had lessened or even disappeared! He has given his chaste spiel to so many women and they all fell for it. Could it be that he has underestimated the importance of sex? Could he have lost his touch? From Susie and her mother, he receives a much- needed boost to his ego. The old charisma is still as irresistible as ever, his methods of binding women to him as effective as they always were. We were worried there for a while.

  He is there for them. He listens to Susie’s mother’s tiresome stories of the late but when alive, masterful husband. Even when he has heard them at least twice before. It’s not that she has Alzheimer’s, it’s just that she likes telling him stories about her late husband. Having only recently been subjected to Jenny’s tales of her tornado man, he wonders if this is to be his lot for the rest of his life, listening to women telling him about the feats of their men. Nonetheless, he is patient. True, his patience was misguided in Darwin, but he already knows that this time it will be rewarded. He must only wait and play the part of the loving and compassionate man, so different from the money grubbing males who had previously attempted to slither into their lives.

  He only asks for one small favour. Could he come to Susie’s house every morning, that is half way from his small rented apartment and go the rest of the journey to school in her car? This would save him money. His finances are as always, in a precarious state. Of course, she readily agrees to take him the rest of the way in her Mercedes. The more time she spends with him, the closer they get, or so it seems to her. At the beginning of the following year he tells her he no longer needs a lift from her, but being still short of money for the journey, asks one of the elderly male teachers to give him a lift. She is upset but what can she do? Then he starts to distance himself from her. When he goes to the staffroom he no longer makes a beeline for the seat next to her but sits elsewhere. What is going on? She is completely puzzled.

  Eventually she asks him if she has offended him. He hesitates and then admits the truth. He is fonder of her than he should be. He avoids the word “love.” What he admits to does have a ring of truth but he well knows that she will interpret it in her own way. The way she looks at it “fond” is understood as head over heels in love. He tells her that he knows that given his finances, she will immediately think he is as mercenary as all the other men she has known, so it is better if he just keeps away from her and nurses his broken heart as best he can. The latter is of course not stated but can be implied. This kind of conversation comes directly from a tuppeny halfpenny romance paperback and only our hero can possibly get away with it and only our heroine of the moment can possibly swallow it. The chaste Gingerbread Man has now forgotten all about his aspirations to the priesthood or anything else of that nature. She is bowled over by his reticence, his feelings for her and his integrity.

  They get engaged. He cannot afford an engagement ring but he does have a gold ring with a pearl that had belonged to Linda but which her parents had overlooked when they took possession of the Tamworth house. It was not new, he said, but had been the only possession of his much- loved French godmother. Our hero knows that his poverty- stricken look might be interpreted as low class by Susie and her
affluent mother. The godmother, French with a touch of Chanel No.5, would, he was certain, raise his status in their eyes and so it did. He also talks about his valiant great-grandfather at Gallipoli but leaves out his relationship with the far distant convict. The family are of recent British origin and they may not yet have come to terms with the Australian idea that a convict ancestor is a social asset. He accepts a watch from Susie. It’s only a Swatch and privately he thinks she could have done a bit better, but never mind, there are other acquisitions that he has his eye on, of greater value than watches.

  She buys an appealing house, quite near her mother’s upmarket mansion and has fun furnishing it, taking him along for his approval. He chooses some expensive yet tasteful pieces and a king size bed. Something to cuddle up in, he explains. We are not sure at this stage what exactly is happening on the sex scene but we hope that she does not make the same mistake as his second wife viz. letting him see her naked while she brushes her teeth. Unlike Jenny, he hopes that she prefers a more low- key man, rather than a tornado. We can only surmise. Her mother gives an ostentatious engagement party, where our Gingerbread Man manages to mingle beautifully and is approved by her upmarket friends. Perhaps we ought to mention that not everyone he mingled with at the engagement party was impressed. Tony and Guy, A-listers in the gay community are appalled. These well-known interior decorators of Brisbane without whose opinion Susie’s mother would not dare decorate the toilet, understand that Susie is too naïve about our Gingerbread Man. What was Susie doing with such a low-class type? Not at all the sort that they would invite to their parties, or even to have as a client. They try to warn Susie’s mother that he is not at all what he appears to be but she is just as naïve as Susie and simply tells them they don’t know how wonderful he is. Wedding plans are discussed and everything is as it should be as far as Susie is concerned, although disappointed that Tony and Guy are too busy, so they tell her, to help with the decorating of their new home.

  Six months after they move in together, he complains about her interfering mother. Susie’s mother, interfering? That lovely lady to whom he devoted so much time? Mother and daughter are in tears, neither can understand what has happened. Nothing has happened, the Gingerbread Man has reached his goal and now wants to get rid of Susie. The engagement is short, so perhaps this naked tooth brushing incident or something equally off putting did occur. We shall never know. She and her mother are heartbroken. Susie predictably breaks the engagement but the house and the furniture remain. She is too broken hearted to want anything from this period of her life. She wants to forget him, the house and the furniture. He is only too happy to oblige. She cannot bear to see him every day at work either, so she leaves the school as well. Everyone at work is understanding about it all, hearing many stories of the unbearable mother-in-law. How she would keep a set of keys to the house and come upon them, just as he was looking for a condom. Such stories reiterate his masculinity while at the same time show the thoughtlessness of the mother-in-law. A sad but all too common tale of interfering mothers -in-law. As she has left the school the stories are one-sided (his), and not necessarily true.

  Meanwhile, at work, adoration is now not what it was but no worries, even while he was engaged he looks over the available field and hardly surprising, finds that there are others in need of his ministrations. Not all need his magic diet but a shoulder to cry on is always useful. The new adoring one is Brigid and she is married to Steven but he is married to rugby on Friday, footy on Saturday, tennis on Sunday but not golf. This leaves little time for Brigid but Steven thinks this is okay because she does play netball on Tuesday nights. It is not okay. The Gingerbread Man puts his arm around her during her sad recital of a neglectful husband and she not only has a shoulder to cry on but an arm around her as well. He is now longer engaged and hope springs eternal in the hearts of the lovelorn. Brigid has lost out to Rugby, footy and tennis (but not golf) and is ready to love again and here is our hero with his arm around her. Perhaps he is not quite in the class of a George Clooney but then neither is Steven. Brigid falls in love, believes he loves her and her marriage breaks up. This the Gingerbread Man maintains it is no fault of his, it just happens time and again. He naturally does not reciprocate. Getting adoration is one thing but returning it to no purpose is, as he sees it, just plain silly. What with his broken engagement and his being viewed as the cause of a divorce, adoration in Brisbane is not what it once was. He sells Susie’s house and moves on.

  Chapter 7

  Albany, Western Australia

  He decides that he has overlooked his Lesbian ambitions for too long. He is unlikely to meet anyone suitable if he neglects that aspect of his plans. He shudders when he thinks of the twice a week sex scenario in front of him if he does not. He finds a position at a school in Albany, Western Australia, the state where all his adventures began. He has been concentrating on his relationships with unmarriageable women and no matter what the freebies, he now decides to concentrate on his first objectives once more.

  In Albany, he finds Dinky who, although gay, becomes just as adoring as his other ladies. She is in a long-standing relationship with Leslie. This is safe territory for him and he makes the most of it. He visits Dinky and Leslie, meets their friends and although nothing materialises to further his ambitions, is happy in Albany for several years, always on the lookout for gay women whose nearest and dearest are over the ocean and far away. He would prefer this to be both Indian and Atlantic Oceans. Unfortunately, he has no luck finding someone like this in Albany. The Albany ladies, gay or otherwise, tend to be local whose families are as local as they are.

  Dinky teaches in the same primary school but is ambitious and is doing a master’s degree in education. In addition to finding him charming she finds that he has a brilliant mind. No one has ever commented on his mind and he is more than pleased by this unexpected accolade. She encourages him to enrol for the same university course. He thinks she will help him with the course but suddenly she starts taking time off from work and makes no effort to help him with the Masters in Education course that she encouraged him to enrol in, saying she feels too tired. He tells her that all she needs is a holiday. Her attitude annoys him, he was counting on her help. He has no illusions about his abilities and is not crazy about all the work the course entails. Nevertheless, he basks in the reflected intellectual sunshine her efforts have secured for him. Once he discovers that her circle of friends is devoid of possibilities and that she appears not to care enough for him to involve herself in his degree, he drops her.

  Suddenly, the news spreads at the school that Dinky is in hospital suffering from a form of galloping leukemia and has only a few weeks to live. Leslie comes to school and begs the Gingerbread Man to come and say his goodbyes. She adores him, Leslie says and is so hurt that he no longer regards himself as her friend. He does not go. This does not make him the flavour of the month at his place of employment. When Dinky dies, his colleagues attend the funeral but he can’t be bothered. Why doesn’t he go? Does he lack the insight to understand how important this is? His image is now tarnished beyond repair and he realises that his time in Albany is up. Off he runs again.

  Chapter 8

  Adelaide

  He decides to go to Adelaide, still teach at a primary school and finish his Masters at the university there. Dinky’s opinion of him has opened new horizons. He is beginning to wonder if all his travels have made him knowledgeable enough to write a tourist’s itinerary of Australia. Not quite yet but we are getting there. He realizes that with some help, he might eventually qualify for a university post. So back to university he goes to further the advancement of his teaching career. On his first day at lectures, he sees an obese lady (I won’t mention her name, how can one remember them all?) in flowing robes, specially made for her as she cannot find anything to fit her in the shops. She looks sad- a possible conquest? He befriends her, tells her how lovely she looks in her flowing robes (so original, such subtle colours) and puts her on h
is special diet. As he frequently makes a beeline for such women he always has his special diet at hand. He writes it out just for her with cute little comments on the side to make her laugh and emphasise that he is doing this for her, because he cares. Her weight does not worry him, he only wants her to go on diet because he knows it worries her. This is perfectly true. She sticks to the diet, loses numerous kilos and not only falls in love with him but thinks that he loves her as well. Well, that is what he told her once. This is unusual. Did he mean it? Who knows. He never said it again but surely once is enough? She turns out to be knowledgeable about shares and bonds and things of that nature. He takes the profit from Susie’s cute little house and gives it to her to invest. She is naïve enough to imagine that this is the start of their life together so does the best she can to make sure he makes a significant profit from his investments. She also helps him with his degree and they both graduate together. He now has his MA and his use for the once obese (but still overweight) lady is over. She is heartbroken of course, follows him all over the place and becomes a bit of a nuisance at the primary school that is still the only place he can find employment. He is forced to move as far away from Adelaide as possible. Well, we have not yet mentioned his adventures in Melbourne.

  Chapter 9

  Melbourne

  This time he specifically chooses that city because he thinks that he has left the lovelorn in so many places that he must find somewhere he has not been before. Melbourne is a good bet. He makes sure that no one at the school in Albany knows where his next place of employment is. This he does in case the lady with the flowing robes is crazy enough to follow him. You never know with women, he thinks. He is beginning to feel a bit hunted and grows a beard, to hide behind, as is his habit under these circumstances (see Chapter 1). Our hero is determined not to make a play for any woman that he meets in his new school in Melbourne. That is indeed a departure from his usual modus operandi. That does not mean that he is changing his ways, it only means that he is not pursuing them in his usual place. He is looking for someone who can help him fulfil his ambitions as a university lecturer without having to worry about anything else. After his experience with Dinky, he realises that Lesbians can be adoring even if they are in stable relationships of their own.