Just Another Maniac Monday

by Jennie Marts

  It wasn’t a lot of guests, but it was everyone Edna loved. She was so happy to be sharing her day with her friends and her beautiful daughter and granddaughter.

  Her heart felt so full of joy, she thought it might burst. She probably should have taken an aspirin, just in case she had a heart attack.

  She looked to the front of the chapel, and John stood there. Supported by two crutches, but standing there none-the-less. He looked so handsome in his suit. Edna knew the bright smile on his face was just for her.

  Equally handsome was the man standing next to him. It was a good thing Mac was a cop, because he definitely did his dark gray suit justice. By the way her granddaughter was looking at him, Edna knew she wasn’t the only one who had noticed.

  Surprisingly, Mac stepped away from John and up onto the altar. A keyboard stood on a stand, and Mac walked behind it and began to play. Hmm. Who knew the rough-acting cop was also a musician?

  The soft strains of “Love Me Tender” filled the small chapel, and Edna forgot about Mac as she was transported back in time to a small bedroom in a tiny house.

  In her mind’s eye, she could see a younger Johnny Collins as clear as day. Better yet, she could see the real thing right in front of her. She just had to walk down the aisle to meet him, and she would be in his arms.

  She gave her granddaughter a nudge. “Let’s get this party started.”

  Zoey grinned at her grandmother then stepped into the doorway of the chapel. She set Havoc on the ground at her feet.

  John gave a low whistle, and the dog happily pranced down the aisle, soaking up the adoration of the wedding guests. Edna hoped she got as many oohs and aahs as the dog did. With the dress she was wearing, she might get more “oh my stars” than aahs of admiration.

  Havoc reached John, shook his bottom for approval, then sat directly at the groom’s feet.

  Zoey was next, followed by her mother. They moved gracefully down the aisle, each with their own style. Zoey’s posture erect and her steps small and precise, in contrast to Moon’s fluid flow of motion, almost as if she glided on air.

  Moonbeam approached John, then tipped up and kissed him on the cheek before taking her place at the front of the chapel. The music changed as Mac played the first notes of the “Bridal Chorus.” The guests stood and turned to the rear of the chapel.

  Edna stepped into the doorway, the smile on her face felt as bright and sparkly as the sequins on her dress.

  Cassie had pinned a small veil in her hair, anchored by an imitation gold and diamond tiara. Holding the lovely bridal bouquet in front of her tissue-enhanced bosom, Edna stood still a moment as she soaked up the love (and astonishment) of her beloved family and friends.

  She took a few modest steps forward in traditional style. Then, in pure Edna-style, she flung back her arms and did the cha-cha down the rest, complete with a pirouette when she hit the halfway point of the short aisle.

  She made it to John amidst applause and laughter, and she couldn’t think of a time she had ever been happier.

  However, the chaplain was a bit more on the somber side. His frown of disapproval indicated he was either not a fan of the cha-cha or of tissue-enhanced bosoms. Or both. He cleared his throat and began the ceremony. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…”

  The words washed over her as she soaked in the moment. Edna was lost in Johnny’s crystal blue eyes. She had looked into replicas of those eyes in her daughter’s and granddaughter’s faces, but to see them here now, to see her own smile reflected back in them, was pure joy.

  The chaplain declared the words of the ceremony, speaking of love and commitment. Every word seeping into Edna’s heart as the love she had for Johnny poured off of her in waves.

  They pledged their love to each other through the traditional vows. John’s voice choked on emotion as he pledged his love, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, for as long as they both shall live. This was his first wedding and it had taken him sixty years to finally be able to tell the woman he loved that he would honor and cherish her for the rest of their days.

  “Do you have the ring?” the chaplain asked after they had finished their vows.

  John leaned down to pick up the little dog and retrieve the ring. Havoc must have thought this was a new game. He sank to the floor and yipped twice before racing around Edna’s legs.

  “Havoc, come.” John used his most stern voice to no avail. The little dog raced between his legs then up onto the altar, knocking into one of his crutches as he ran by. Mac grabbed John before he lost his balance and toppled over.

  Edna’s concern wavered between John falling over and Havoc deciding to water the altar flowers.

  Zoey squatted down, using her sweetest voice to coo to the dog. “Here, boy. That’s a good dog. Come here.”

  The dog ignored her request, obviously enjoying this game of chase. True to his name, he leapt off the altar and raced under the pews. The cries of the guests pinpointed the dog’s path as he escaped every set of hands that reached for him.

  Having helped John regain his balance, Mac joined in the chase. Blocking one edge of the aisle, he engaged the help of Maggie’s sons and directed Drew and Dylan to block the other side.

  Dylan jumped to his feet, his enthusiasm an indication that he was happy to have some excitement added to an otherwise somber event. His older brother shooed the dog his way, and he bent down to grab it as it ran by.

  A loud rip sounded as the seam of the too-snug pants gave way, and Dylan’s khakis split open. He reached back to cover his now visible striped boxers as his brother fell to the floor, collapsing in laughter.

  “Dude.” All Drew could do was point as he lay on the chapel floor in a fit of giggles. The dog ran over the top of him, causing another round of laughter.

  By this time, half of the guests were in the aisle, some trying to help, while others simply contributed to the chaos. Jeremy took off his coat and passed it to Dylan to cover his backside while Maggie fell into hysterical giggles with Drew.

  Jake took the other end of the aisle, and he and Mac tried to corral the dog between them. As soon as one man would get close, he would reach down to grab the dog, and it would squirt out from between his hands and run off again, zig-zagging between the many sets of outstretched hands.

  Edna looked at John and laughed. “No one will ever be able to say our wedding was boring.”

  “Very true.” John leaned forward and patted his uncasted leg. “Havoc—here, boy.”

  The dog totally ignored him, having a grand time playing this new game of chase. His tags jingled on his collar as he sprinted around the chapel.

  All activity stopped as an ear-splitting whistle ripped through the room. Mabel’s new man-friend, Lon, stepped into the aisle. He pulled what appeared to be a half-eaten Polish sausage from the breast pocket of his brown suit. Ripping a piece from the end, he leaned down and waved it at the dog.

  Havoc raced to him, gobbling up the piece of meat as Lon lifted him and carried him to the front of the chapel. He deposited the squirming dog into Edna’s arms, where Moon quickly untied the bow, releasing the ring into her hand.

  John patted Lon on the shoulder. “Quick thinking there, fella. You saved the day.”

  Lon winked. “No problem. I have a way with animals.”

  “Havoc is a fan of sausage. What do you have there? Polish?”

  “Bratwurst.”

  Edna snorted. “I appreciate that you captured the dog, but why in the world do you have a bratwurst in your pocket? Especially at my wedding.”

  Lon shrugged. “Mabel called around noon, and said she needed a date fast. I wasn’t about to pass up on a date with that gal, but I didn’t want to miss lunch either.” He waved the remainder of the sausage in the air. “I wasn’t sure how soon you’d be serving cake, so I covered my bases.”

  Edna nodded. Made sense to her. She’d brought stranger things than bratwurst to a wedding before.

  The chaplain cleared his
throat. The sausage was probably making him hungry. “If we can continue?”

  Lon shuffled back to his seat. Mabel’s face beamed with a smile. She patted his leg, obviously proud that her date had saved the day.

  Moon passed the ring to John, and Edna passed the dog to Zoey. The chaplain rolled his eyes.

  John slid the silver band onto Edna’s finger and repeated the minister’s words. “With this ring, I thee wed.” He looked up at the chaplain. “Can I kiss her now?”

  The chaplain raised his hands to the congregation. “I now pronounce you man and wife.” He nodded at John. “Yes, you may kiss her now.”

  A grin broke out on John’s face, and he looked into the eyes of his new bride. “I love you, Eddy. You have made me the happiest man on earth.” Then he leaned down and kissed her.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  John took one hand from his crutches and turned the knob of Edna’s front door. He pushed the door open then looked down at his new bride. “As much as I want to carry you over the threshold, my dear, you may have to take a rain-check.” He tilted his shoulder down. “Unless you want to climb up here, then maybe I can give you a piggyback in.”

  Edna smiled up at him. “Tempting. But in light of your crutches and your near-death experience, I’ll give you a pass.” She winked. “You can find a way to make it up to me later.”

  John grinned. “You got a deal.”

  Edna held the bridal bouquet in one hand and her purse in the other as she stepped into the house and helped John to maneuver the crutches and his bulky cast through the door.

  The others had gone on to Sunny’s to set up for the reception, but Edna wanted John to have a few minutes to rest before the festivities began.

  “I’m awfully glad we got a chance to see Irma Jean before we left the hospital,” Edna said.

  They had been checking out of the hospital when Mac had told them that the older woman had woken up. He had already questioned her, and from the description, it was clear that Donna’s son had been the one that had assaulted her.

  Entering her room, Edna was shocked to see the intense black and purple bruising covering Irma Jean’s face where she’d been beaten. Tears blurred her eyes as she rushed to the bedside of her friend. “Oh, Irma Jean, I am so sorry this happened to you.”

  “It’s not your fault.” Irma Jean smiled weakly at Edna. “I’m sorry that I told him that John was here and about your daughter.”

  Edna lightly touched her shoulder. “Don’t you give that a second thought. If you hadn’t told him, he would have just found out another way.”

  “Most likely through hurting someone else.” John stepped up to the bed, his crutches making it hard to maneuver in the small room.

  Irma Jean appraised John through narrowed eyes, the bruising not hiding the sharp intellect visible there. “Hello, Mr. Adams. From what Officer McCarthy tells me, you had your own run-in with the man.”

  “I did, but I’m fine. I’m awfully sorry I got you involved in this.” He leaned forward and gingerly touched her hand. “I feel like it’s my fault that you got hurt.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. Of course it’s not your fault. It’s the son-of-a-bitch who beat me up’s fault. This was his doing, not yours. But I would sure feel better if I knew the police had him in custody.”

  “Me too,” Edna said. “Mac’s working on it, though. They’ve got an APB out on him.” She leaned forward as if sharing a secret. “That’s an all-points bulletin.”

  Irma Jean rolled her eyes. “Yes, I know what it is. You’re not the only one with a television set, you know.”

  John laughed. “He’s also got an officer stationed outside your door. So you’re safe here. He won’t get near you again.”

  Irma Jean assessed Edna’s dress, her eyes narrowing at the gold and diamond tiara. “What’s with the fancy get-up? The sequins of your dress just about blinded me when you walked in the door.”

  With a quick wink at John, Edna lifted her enhanced bosom in pride. “We just got married. I am now officially Mrs. John Collins.”

  Irma Jean smiled. “I’m happy for you.” She looked up at John, still standing by the side of her bed. “Both of you.”

  Now, stepping into her living room, Edna threw her purse on the couch in disgust. “It just makes me so mad that the creep who did this got away. If I find him before Mac does, he’ll know what fifty thousand volts of my stun gun feels like pressed up against his nut-sack.”

  John stood next to the sofa. He laid one of his crutches against the armrest and massaged the sore spot under his arm where the arch of the crutches rubbed against it. “I’d be happy to hold him down for you. I just wish we knew where the bastard was.”

  “I prefer the term ‘fatherless.’ It kind of rolls off the tongue and has a less demeaning quality to it.” Officer Warren Halloran stepped out of Edna’s kitchen and into the living room.

  Edna gasped. Warren Jr. looked just as she imagined Weasel would have if he’d had a chance to grow into a man. Even though he had to be in his sixties, this man’s hair still held a hint of red, and his face carried a few freckles buried amongst the wrinkles.

  He was of average height and build, carrying a few too many pounds around his middle. His face wore the tired and wrinkled look of someone who had spent his life smoking cigarettes, and the telltale burst capillaries of a lifelong drinker.

  “Well, in this case, bastard is more fitting.” Edna took a step forward, reaching for her purse.

  “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” Warren Jr. held a pistol aimed at John’s head. “Not if you want your groom to make it to his wedding night.”

  “Settle down now,” John said. “Nobody needs to get hurt. What do you want from us?”

  A soft whirring sound came from the kitchen, followed by a rhythmic slide then a clunk. The silver wheels of a walker came into sight, followed by a very old woman. She had an oxygen bag strapped over her shoulder and a mean glint in her eye. Not just old-person-crotchety mean, but royally pissed-off mean. “I’ll tell you what I want, Johnny Collins. I want my life back. The life you stole from me the night you took Warren and my life savings.”

  “Donna? Is that you?” John’s face held a look of astonishment.

  Edna, never one to hold back a thought, blurted out, “Holy crap, woman, you have not aged well. You should have done more water aerobics or something.”

  Donna held up one hand, her fingers gnarled and bent with arthritis, and extended her crooked middle finger. “Screw you, Edna.”

  Edna shook her head, unfazed by the insult. “That is one sorry-looking bird. Your finger’s so crooked, it’s like you’re flipping off the neighbors.”

  Donna waved her gnarled hand at her son. “Just shoot her now, Junior. Just to shut her up.”

  John waved his hands. “She’s teasing you, Donna. No need to get upset. She didn’t mean any of that.”

  “I meant every word of it. That woman looks like she has one foot and most of her body already in the grave,” Edna muttered under her breath.

  Donna narrowed her eyes at Edna. “I can see your lips moving. If I had better hearing aids, I’m sure I could have heard your nasty comment. But I don’t. Because I’m broke. Because your boyfriend took everything away from me. My man and all of my money.”

  “That wasn’t even your money. You stole it from the bank.” Edna searched the room for any way to get them out of this situation.

  “Yeah, I stole it, so it was mine! Until you took it from me. And left me with nothing.” Donna pointed a gnarled finger at John.

  “Donna, I’m truly sorry about Weasel, um, I mean Warren.” John’s voice was calm and steady. “He was my friend, and I loved him. But that money belonged to the bank. To the people of Coopersville. Besides, I don’t have it anymore. I replaced what you and I had taken and then gave it all back.”

  Donna huffed in annoyance and then broke into a coughing fit. The mucus in her lungs giving off a wet, phlegmy sound as she dragged in
air for a breath. She adjusted a knob on her oxygen tank, and with a whirr from the tank and a last wheeze, she got herself under control.

  Her voice was raspy as she sneered at John. “I was working at the bank the day you left the money in the night drop. That’s how I knew you were back and still alive. I tried to find you then, but you must have already slipped out of town again.”

  “They still let you work at the bank? Even after you robbed it?” Edna asked, incredulously.

  “I didn’t rob it. As far as the town knew, Johnny was the one who robbed the bank. And then he robbed me. He took everything from me and left me penniless and pregnant.”

  “But I heard you ended up getting married,” Edna said, waving a hand at Warren. “And he must have adopted Junior here if he gave him the name Halloran.”

  “Oh, I did get married. To a real prince of a man. Butch Halloran was a drunk and a louse.” She pointed at Warren, who was still holding the gun on John. “I told my son how you murdered his father and took all of our money. How we never would have ended up with that man if it weren’t for you.”

  Johnny shook his head, his movements slow and even. “Donna, that wasn’t my fault. That was just a bad situation. And I’m sorry for my part in it.”

  “Your part in it?” She hacked again, coughing into her sleeve. “It was your fault. Everything was your fault. Warren and I were going to run away. For once in our lives, we had nice things. We were getting out of that town. Away from Coopersville and away from my father. Instead I ended up married to someone just like him. I left one nightmare and entered another. Because of you.”

  Nightmare?

  Edna had known that Donna’s dad was strict and overprotective, but that didn’t qualify as nightmare material. She could remember that night in the Elks Lodge bathroom when Donna had told her she was pregnant. There’d been real fear in her eyes when she spoke about her dad finding out. Maybe there was more to the story of Donna wanting to get away from her father.