Finding Mikayla

by Samantha Christy

  Jamie comes in after lunch to start her shift. I roll my eyes thinking that not even working with her today is going to spoil my mood.

  “Darn, Kay, I could see your stupid grin halfway across the parking lot,” she says. “You know, we’re all glad that you’ve finally made a decision and have stopped stringing along those two hotties, but, did you really have to drive the other one out of town?”

  “What?” I spin around, dropping a few papers on the floor. “Jeff left? When?” No, no, no. This wasn’t what I wanted. That was never my intention.

  “Jeff?” she asks me, raising a curious eyebrow. “Not Jeff, Mitch. You know, because you chose Jeff.”

  I shake my head at her. “Uh . . . no, I didn’t, Jamie. I chose Mitch. I love Mitch. What are you talking about?”

  “The whole town is talking about it, Kay,” she says so matter-of-factly. “Apparently Mitch left this morning. He didn’t even say goodbye to anyone.”

  “No. That’s ridiculous,” I say in disbelief. “I was just with him until I came to work.”

  “Believe what you want,” she says. “But Don said he swung by the PX to get some supplies that the colonel said he could take with him.”

  What? No! She’s wrong. Everyone is wrong.

  This must be a huge misunderstanding. I don’t even bother to grab my backpack when I head for the door. “You’ll have to handle things around here until I get back,” I tell Jamie.

  “Whatever,” she says.

  I run the two hundred yards to our apartment building and burst through his front door. “Mitch?” I call out, cautiously walking back to his room. When I get there, I see that it looks just like it appeared after Craig moved out.

  Empty.

  The sheets have been stripped. There are no clothes in the closet or shoes on the floor. My shaky hands go to the bedside table to open the drawer where he has been keeping the locket.

  Gone.

  Just like him.

  I tear out into the living room, yelling for Austin. But he’s not around. I frantically go over to my own apartment thinking that maybe all of this is just a silly prank and he’s moved all of his belongings over to my place.

  When I get to the door of my room, that’s when I see it; and I know—that for the first time in her malicious life—Jamie was telling the truth. There on my bed is a plain white envelope with one word on it.

  Mikayla

  I fall to my knees and sobs bellow out of me.

  He left me.

  Last night was goodbye.

  My heart stops beating and I’m not entirely sure that I even care.

  I crawl over to my bed. I know I have to read it, but I so desperately don’t want to. I know it will burn me. Hell, I know it will light me on fucking fire. I stay on the floor and pull it down to my lap and stare at it. Maybe if I don’t open the letter, it won’t be real. I give myself one more minute before I’m about to be shattered . . . obliterated . . . broken.

  Then I open it and try to read it through my tears.

  Mikayla,

  I know you are upset. Maybe you even hate me, but I had to do what I thought was right. I was going to leave this morning anyway, probably without even seeing you or saying goodbye. Then you came to me last night and at first I thought it was a dream. All I can say is thank you for one last amazing memory. I’m sorry if I used you for that, but I had to take that piece of you with me.

  I know you say you love me. You’ve also said many times that you love Jeff, too. I know you claim to not mean it the same way, but I think maybe you’re wrong. The love you have with Jeff has moved out of that initial honeymoon stage that we were in. The love you have with him comes from years of being together, supporting each other and becoming so comfortable with one another that maybe you didn’t even realize once you met me that you were still supposed to be with him. He loves you. He is like a brother to me and I owe him everything. Yes, I even owe him you.

  I think you’re meant to be with him, Mikayla. If it weren’t for my accident and memory loss, that’s who you would have been with. We would have never even been an option. Jeff is your future, not me. He is your destiny.

  My destiny is like that of Orion’s. I will love you from afar. I told you I always keep my promises and this isn’t any different. I promised to love you forever, Mikayla, and I will.

  There are things I need to do now. Eventually, I will find peace knowing I did the right thing. Please don’t ever worry about me.

  I have zero regrets.

  The best thing I’ve ever done in my life was finding you, Mikayla.

  Forever,

  Mitch

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  The past few weeks have gone by in a blur. I eat—sometimes. I sleep—a little. I work—merely to stay busy.

  But I’m not living.

  When Mitch left, he took my life with him.

  I considered going after him. I even packed up a backpack. However, once my friends intervened and talked sense into me, I realized there was little chance of finding him. Even if you set aside the three thousand miles that I’d have to cover to get there and all of the dangers that I could encounter along the way, could I even find him if I made it to Sacramento? I have his name and the names of his family, but in the world today, that may not be enough. Not to mention that he said he wanted to get out of the big city and get a farm in a small town.

  There are no cell phones to try to contact him. I can’t simply hop on a plane and see if he’s out there. I can’t even stalk him on Facebook. He’s gone. Really gone. As in forever.

  Everyone has been trying to engage with me, but I just want to be left alone. Jeff has been treating me as a friend and for that, I’m grateful. He has given me the space to mourn the loss of Mitch in my life. He may be one of the only good things about my days. He makes going into work almost manageable and I vaguely remember what drew me to him so long ago. Everything and everyone else reminds me of Mitch.

  This morning I lie awake in bed. Again. In an attempt at further self-destruction, I pull out the letter he wrote me. I’ve tried to keep myself from reading it, but even seeing his heartbreaking words makes me feel closer to him in some sadistic way. I trace my fingers over each word as I read, imagining what he must have felt like writing them. When I come to the part about him being like Orion, I put the letter down and search for the book he gave me in an attempt to hold something else that he has touched.

  I start to panic when I can’t find it. I tear my room apart. It takes me back to the day after he left when I tried in vain to find those ridiculous boxer briefs that I was sure were in my possession at the time that he left. My room is in complete disarray when realization strikes me. “Holly!” I yell at the top of my lungs, not caring that it’s her day off and she’s still sleeping.

  I storm into her room and rip the covers off her. I stare at her with my hands on my hips and say, “Where are they?”

  “Jesus, Kay,” she says, yawning.

  I start rifling through her things. “What did you do with them?”

  She sits up in bed, stretching. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “You know damn well what I’m talking about. You took them didn’t you?” I ask snidely. “Did you think not having them would somehow help me get over him?”

  She shakes her head. “Still confused here,” she says.

  “The book,” I tell her. “The one about the constellations that Mitch gave me. And the boxer briefs—the ones with the smiley face. Where are they? I know you have them.”

  “Oh, man, I think I know what might have happened.” She wrinkles her nose at me and says, “Don’t get mad. The morning he left, he came to our apartment and said he was looking for something. I had no idea he was leaving. He didn’t tell me. He didn’t tell anyone. He was in your room for a few minutes so he must have taken them.” She frowns and her eyes reflect my sadness. “I’m so sorry, Kay.”

  He took them?

  I suppose it should mak
e me feel better, knowing that he wanted them to remember me by, but I don’t. I’m pissed that I don’t have them. I’m pissed that he loved me so much that he wanted to take a piece of us with him. I’m pissed that he loved me that much but he left anyway.

  God, I miss him.

  I must have something of his besides that damn letter.

  “Sorry,” I mutter to Holly, feeling badly that I woke her up and so blatantly accused her.

  “It’s okay,” she says, getting up to hug me. “I know it’s been hard for you. And I don’t mean to sound like a total bitch, Kay, but you need to re-join the living at some point. We miss you. I miss you.”

  “I know. I’m sorry.” I release her from our embrace. “You’re not a bitch. I know I need to get over myself and move on. I just don’t know how to do that. How did he come into my life and turn it upside down in a matter of weeks? I will never be the same after him. Nothing and nobody will ever be enough for me now.”

  Suddenly, I think of something that has me racing from the room. I tell Holly I’ll see her later and throw on a pair of shorts and an old t-shirt before I run over to the clinic. I’m not scheduled to work today, but I can’t wait. I have to see him.

  I enter the front doors of the clinic and announce to Nancy and Jeff, “I’m not really here. I just have to do something real quick.” I go into the back room, grateful that nobody follows me. I fish the phone out of its hiding place. And for only the second time ever, I use it for my own benefit. I know there are dozens of pictures of Mitch on here. Jeff would send them to me almost weekly. Yes, Mitch’s hair was shorter and he wore fatigues instead of civilian clothes, but at least I will see his gorgeous face. It seems to take forever for my phone to boot up as I sit in a chair, legs shaking in anticipation of seeing him again. Finally, it’s up and I go into my picture gallery. My heart jumps into my throat when I see what the very first picture is.

  A new picture—the only picture taken since before the blackout—comes up on my screen. It’s of Mitch. He has a smile on his face and I don’t miss that he’s wearing the locket along with a seductively raised eyebrow. Oh, God, he took this long ago. Before Jeff came back. Before he knew he was leaving me. He took it so that I would find it and laugh at the surprise he left me.

  Little did he know that he’s just given me a gift I will treasure forever.

  I almost leap out of my chair when a hand touches my shoulder. My attempt to cover up the phone is futile. Jeff has already seen it.

  I take a few minutes to explain how I came to be in possession of a working phone. Then I show him the picture Mitch left for me.

  “I’m sorry, Kay,” he says. He looks sad for me and I can tell he understands how much I’m hurting. “I know you loved him. I loved him too.”

  I shake my head at him. “Not loved, Jeff,” I whisper. “Love. I love him.”

  “I know, I’m sorry,” he says again.

  I put the phone back and swear him to secrecy. I promise myself that I’ll not be so selfish again and use it to look at Mitch’s picture.

  It’s a promise I know I’ll never keep.

  “You know I’m here for you, right?” he asks. “You may not be ready to move on, but I’m here when and if you want to try again. I love you, Kay. I’m even willing to accept the fact that you don’t love me anymore. Well, not in the way I want you to. But, we were great together before. We were a good team. I think we could be again.” He kisses the top of my head and gives my shoulders a squeeze. He turns to walk away saying, “I’m not going to give up on you, babe.”

  He walks through the door, leaving me alone. His endearment echoes in my head.

  I can’t think about his offer. It’s preposterous. He wants me to try to be with him, knowing that I love another man?

  I go out the back door of the clinic, not wanting to have any more confrontations today. I decide to go to the place I’ve avoided for three weeks. The place I know will slay me over and over again when I visit it, but I have to do it. Maybe it will help me get past this deep despair, this unimaginable anguish, this sense of brokenness . . . and somehow allow me to move on. I have to go to the meadow.

  When I arrive at the stables, a surprised Brad hurries over to greet me. “Dr. Parker, it’s so nice to see you again. Sassy has missed you, the poor girl. Shall I saddle her up?”

  “Yes, please, Brad,” I say. While he is occupied with that, I walk over to try to get past hurdle number one. But when I get to Rose’s stall, she’s not there. I take a peek in the other stalls. Perhaps she’s been moved for some reason. When I can’t find her anywhere, I ask Brad, “Is someone out on Rose right now?”

  “Rose?” he repeats. “No, she’s been gone for weeks.” He gives me a sad look. “Um . . . the colonel allowed Mitch to take her.” He looks at the ground. He knows how this must devastate me. Yet, unlike the book and the underwear, I feel oddly comforted knowing that he has a living breathing being that he loves so dearly with him.

  I can’t get myself to go directly to the meadow. I need a minute. So I take the long way around the perimeter. It’s here, by the fields that I run into Craig.

  “Hi, Kay,” he yells, waving me over to him. “Nice to see you out and about again.”

  I chide myself. I really have been a recluse, haven’t I?

  “Thanks, Craig. I’m trying,” I say. “What’s new with you?”

  “Well, if you don’t know then I guess you haven’t seen Pam in the last few days.” A smile brightens his face. “We are going to be leaving soon. I signed a contract for a farm not far from here.” He shakes his head like he can’t believe what he’s saying. “It’s actually happening,” he says. “We’re going to lead normal lives again soon. It’s amazing, isn’t it?”

  I put my hand to my chest and sigh. “Wow, that’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you guys. I know you love little Connor like he’s your own. He will adore living on a farm.”

  He nods his head emphatically. “Yes, and once we’re—” he stops talking and bites his lip, cursing to himself.

  “Once you’re what?” I ask.

  “Shit,” he says. “Listen, you need to talk to Pam. She’s got stuff to tell you, but she’s been afraid to talk to you in your current state.”

  I think about what a terrible friend I’ve been to Pam these past few weeks. She found out she lost her husband, after all, and I’m whining about Mitch leaving when he is alive and well. What could she possible be afraid to talk to me about?

  Then it hits me and I gasp. “Oh, my God!” I scream. “You’re getting married, aren’t you?”

  He smiles from ear to ear. “You didn’t hear it from me, got it?”

  “Oh, my God,” I repeat. “I’m so happy for you.” I mentally hit myself. “I’ve been such a crappy friend, caring only about my own problems. I promise to be better.”

  There’s just some stuff I have to do first.

  I turn Sassy around to leave and he shouts after me, “Don’t worry, you’ll get your happy ending one day, Kay.”

  But what he doesn’t know—what nobody knows—is that I’m no longer looking for blissfully happy, that reality left along with a horse named Rose. Now I’m willing to settle for compatible mediocrity.

  I take a deep breath. I’m ready now. I point Sassy towards the spot in the trees that line the meadow.

  When we get there, I tie Sassy to a tree. But not our tree. Then I walk over and find a spot to sit. But not our spot. I just sit and stare at our spot. I look longingly at it and think about all the endless conversations we had. We may have only known each other for eight weeks before he left, but we crammed a lot of talking into those fifty-six days. I feel like I know him better than I’ve ever known anyone in my life.

  It’s been three weeks since he left. I wonder where he is now. Taking a horse across the country must be difficult and slow. He’s resourceful. I wonder why he didn’t try to find a truck. But, I already know the answer to that question. It is the same reason I plan on asking Colonel An
drews for Sassy when I leave.

  Leave. It sounds so final. Once I leave here, Mitch won’t be able to find me. What if he changes his mind and comes looking for me after I’ve gone? I would never know he was even searching for me.

  Don’t be stupid, Kay. I shake my head at myself. He isn’t coming back. He would have changed his mind by now. I have to accept it.

  I sit here for hours, wasting away the day trying to figure out my life . . . my future.

  The hair on the nape of my neck stands up and suddenly I don’t feel so alone. I quickly spin around and look over to where Sassy stands. But my hopes are dashed when I see that she is still alone and that my thoughts have not, in fact, conjured up Mitch.

  Then, out of the corner of my eye, I see movement. I stiffen as I see a shadow far off in the tree line on the other side of the prairie. Alarms clang in my head and my body goes on high alert as I’m taken back to my traumatic experience in the pool hall. I feel very vulnerable all the way out here, and so completely alone. I run over to Sassy and fumble my way up on her before racing her back to camp.

  I immediately find Colonel Andrews. “I think John is still stalking me,” I say. “I saw him in the forest line in the north meadow. He scared me to death, just standing there, lurking behind a tree.”

  It takes the colonel all of about five minutes to find someone who will train me with a firearm. He tells me to carry it whenever I’ll be alone and to not take unnecessary chances. Then he sends a few guys out to do a search of the area.

  After a few hours of gun safety and target practice, I’m exhausted and all I want to do is sleep. Once in bed, however, my brain has an agenda of its own so I lie here awake. Again. There is so much I wish I could have told Mitch. So I get out my lamp and decide to.