Refresh

by S. Moose

  “Of course. Whatever you need I’m here for you. You mean too much to me.”

  “I do?”

  “Why’s that so hard to believe?”

  I shrug, “I don’t know. Probably because I’m putting a damper on your love life.”

  “First, there’s no love life and you know me. I don’t do the girlfriend thing. Not since Danielle.”

  “Ah gotcha. Have you talked to her since the break up? How’s she doing?”

  “We talk here and there. She’s good. She’s Danielle.”

  “That’s good,” I smile. I like Danielle, but part of me is kind of glad they aren’t together.

  “So it’s settled. I’m going to move in and make sure you’re okay. When I feel like you’re ready to be on your own then I’ll leave. Deal?”

  “Deal.”

  “Good,” Mason kisses my forehead and suggests we relax and watch a movie.

  Waking up the next morning I head downstairs to make breakfast when something catches my eye outside. I look out and see Mason washing my car.

  Shirtless.

  Muscles galore.

  A tan and toned body.

  Oh. My.

  I’ve seen Mason without a shirt before on several occasions. We’ve been to the beach together or outside for cookouts and a few times have even shared the same bed. This isn’t something I should be surprised with. For some reason . . . I am. The way he reaches over and stretches his arm to wash my windshield. His back muscles bulge and when he turns around his six pack is staring at me, whispering, “you think I’m sexy, don’t you?”

  “Get it together, Caroline,” I scold myself and turn away to make eggs and bacon. I fix two plates and open the door to call out to Mason. “Hey, loser, time to eat,” I laugh and watch his smile form on his face.

  “Loser?” he laughs and puts down the sponge. Seductively walking towards me he gives me a kiss on the cheek and looks at me again. “Loser, hmm?”

  “Ah yeah. I mean who washes cars now a days. Trying to make the women in my neighborhood hot and bothered?”

  “Oh, baby, I don’t need to do that,” he winks and heads inside.

  Following him we sit at the counter and enjoy breakfast. I see him looking at me and wonder what’s going on.

  “Is there a reason why you’re looking at me?”

  “I’m kinda bothered by you calling me a loser,” he says. “I think I’m pretty fucking cool. Everyone loves me.”

  I sit and stare at him, trying not to laugh. “Is that so?”

  “Yep.”

  “Would you rather me call you something else?”

  “Sexy motherfucking beast.”

  This causes me to laugh again, nearly choking on my eggs. Coughing to get air I look at him again and shake my head. “I don’t think so. Wait,” I snap my fingers. “I’ll call you ugly effer.”

  “And we’re back to ugly?”

  “Yep,” I laugh and eat a little more. “I mean look at you. You’ve been single since forever and you can’t hold a girl so obviously you’re lacking in . . . areas.”

  “You’re shitting me, right?”

  I shake my head and continue. “How long can you last? What? Thirty seconds? I mean come on, Mason. Admit it. You’ve lost your touch and you’d never be able to get a woman off.”

  Before I know it Mason has my face in his hands and his lips are on mine. I feel his tongue enter my mouth, slowly and seductively, and within seconds he has me moaning and wanting more. The way his tongue feels with mine makes me shiver and my craving for him heightens. His hand is gently resting on my hip while the other hand is gripping the back of my neck. Oh God. I close my eyes and feel him everywhere in my body. My body pulsates and the kiss intensifies. Deeper. Sexier. Oh God. His lips work their way down my neck and back up to my ear.

  “Lost my touch?”

  “Yep,” I close my eyes and lie trying to hide how much that kiss affects me. “And don’t ever kiss me again. Ew.” I push him away and quickly turn my head so he doesn’t know what he’s doing to me.

  “And why is that?”

  “You’re not my type.”

  This causes him to kink his brow and study me some more. I should know better than to lie to him. Mason’s been taught and trained to read people. He understands body language and can smell a lie from a mile away.

  “I see. Well,” he stretches and my eyes catch his abs. Damn you, Mason. “Right,” he laughs again and finishes his breakfast. “Baby you have no idea how I am. You’ve never had the pleasure of getting with me.”

  “And I never will.”

  “You couldn’t handle me. That kiss,” he says, “that kiss nearly broke you. You melted in my arms. I guarantee one night with me and you’ll be screaming my name, feeling me for days and coming back for more.”

  I hold up my hand to him and make him stop talking. “Ew. I wouldn’t. We wouldn’t. I don’t swoon over you like other women. Mase, I mean there’s just something about you that isn’t sitting right.”

  “Wait,” he puts up a hand. “I just gave you a hot ass kiss and you still can’t admit how sexy I am?”

  “Oh hush. Like my opinion matters,” I wave him off. Getting up from the barstool I take his plate to the sink and look over my shoulder to see his reaction. He’s staring at me again with his fuck me eyes. Quickly I look away and try to catch my breath. This is Mason; the guy I’ve known since high school; the best man at our wedding; the man I trust completely. Why am I having these thoughts? Shouldn’t I be grieving still? It’s only been nine months since Evan died and here I am smiling, laughing, and staring at his best friend. I’m a horrible wife. I’m a horrible person.

  Evan and I never really talked about what life would be like if either of us passed away. We have wills, Evan’s idea, and I still haven’t opened the box our lawyer gave me. I can’t bring myself to do so. I know this isn’t what Evan wants. He’d want me to be happy again. He’d want me to live and go back to teaching. When you lose someone you love as much as I love Evan you forget how to breathe and the world around you stops spinning because life doesn’t seem possible without him with you. The days and nights fall in together and you’re not sure what day it is or how long you’ve been crying. You forget what’s important and why being happy again means something.

  Is there life after losing your heart?

  I feel strong hands on my shoulders and his hard chest against my back. “You okay?”

  “Just thinking,” I whisper, “about how ugly you are.” I hear a wounded gasp and he lets me go. Turning around I see Mason leaning against the counter with a grin on his face. “What?”

  “Na, nothing. I’m going to finish washing your car. Do you need anything?”

  “No I’m okay. I’m actually going to take a nap,” I rub my face and blow out the breath I’ve been holding.

  “When you wake up we’ll go for a run.”

  “Sounds good.” I reach out and touch his arm. “Thank you again for everything Mason. I know I told you I didn’t need you, but actually I do. I need a friend to put me in my place. Thanks for not letting me stay in bed.”

  “You’re welcome. Plus if I let you do that Evan would kick my ass.”

  I smile, “Yeah.”

  When I get upstairs to my bedroom I crawl into bed and under the covers. Closing my eyes I see Evan’s face and the past comes back to me.

  Kisses on my forehead are the best kind of kisses, especially kisses from my handsome husband.

  “Good morning, angel.”

  “Mmmm, good morning to you.” I smile and wrap my arms around his neck. He hovers over me and kisses my lips. “You look so hot right now.”

  “Yeah I know.” Evan laughs and kisses me again. When he places his forehead against mine I feel his heart beating fast.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Hard shift last night,” he mutters. “There was a chase down 104 and when we reached him this sixteen-year-old boy opened the door with a gun in his hand,” Evan
tells me. I rub his back, hoping to calm him down as he tells me what happened. “He was so scared and we told him to settle down and put down the gun. Mason slowly walked over to him and I had his back. The boy screamed and said to leave him alone.” I see Evan shudder and his eyes close. “He took a shot at Mason and missed and I shot his leg,” Evan’s voice gets low, “I shot a kid.”

  “It’s okay, Evan. You shot his leg and he’ll be okay. You did what you had to and you’re safe. You and Mason are safe.”

  “A kid, Caroline. A fucking kid. What was he doing?”

  “I don’t know, but now he’ll get the help he needs.”

  “God, I love you,” he whispers. “I love you so fucking much. I know this isn’t what you signed up for. I know I’m not giving you a good life.”

  “Stop it,” I tell him. “You are giving me the best life ever. I love you so much and one day we’re going to have a family. One day you’re going to teach instead of being on the streets. I am living my happily ever after. I am in love with you Evan. For better or worse, remember?”

  “I do. I just,” he sighs, “I just wish I could give you something better.”

  “You are. No man will ever love me as much as you. No man will ever make my body feel like it’s on fire, but you do. You, Evan, you make me weak. You make my heart beat so fast and you make my body come alive. Only you.”

  “What did I do to deserve you?”

  “You smiled at me and asked me to dance,” I tell him, remembering our freshman formal. “You came up to me, with a shy look on your face, and nervously asked me to dance. This I Promise You was playing and I said yes. We danced and two weeks later we became a couple. I never looked back.”

  “And thank God you didn’t. I’m a better man because of you. Thank you for sticking by my side, through the good and bad. Caroline, I promise we’ll figure this out, okay?”

  “Okay.” I smile and kiss him again. “Now make love to me.”

  “With pleasure.”

  “Wake up, Care. Care!” Strong arms are around my waist and I’m being lifted. A hand is rubbing my back and slowly I wake up.

  “Mason?” My eyes slowly adjust and I realize I’m awake. What’s going on? Why am I with Mason again?

  “I’m right here,” he tells me, continually rubbing my back and helping me calm down, even though I have no idea why he’s in my room and why I’m on his lap.

  “What are you doing?” I whisper, avoiding eye contact and trying to remain calm.

  “You were screaming and when I came up to check on you your body was flinging around so I grabbed you to calm you down. You don’t remember?” I shake my head. “Nightmare?”

  “It was actually a good dream. I was dreaming about Evan and him telling me about the night he shot a sixteen-year-old kid because he shot at you,” I tell him, vividly remembering the dream, but not how I was acting. Why would I thrash around in bed when it was a good dream?

  “Are you sure that was it?”

  “I’m pretty sure. Why would that make me thrash around and scream?”

  “You were screaming for Evan,” he tells me. “That you wanted him to come back and never leave.”

  “Oh.” I rest my head on Mason’s chest and we sit like this for a while. I’m not sure how long and I feel bad. “I must be hurting you.”

  “Na, you’re tiny. It’s okay. As long as you’re okay that’s what matters.” I feel Mason’s lips on the top of my head and instantly I’m relaxed. I take his hand in mine and he holds me tighter. “Are you okay?”

  “I am now. I just miss him,” I explain. “I know it’s been almost ten months, but every day feels like the night we let him go. I never said this and I want you to know.” I gulp and lift my head to look at him. “Thank you for being there for us that night. Thank you for being there every day and putting your life on hold.”

  “You don’t have to thank me, Care.”

  “No, let me finish. I know I’ve said some things in the past and blamed you. I hope you know I don’t mean it. I don’t blame you or hate you, Mason. I’m happy to have you here and you’re not scared to push me or hurt my feelings. You were my rock when he died and I know you’re here because of the promise you made him, but remember I can be your rock too.”

  “I am,” he says, “but I’m also here to be your friend. I know I’ve been distant and for that I apologize.”

  “Thank you. I get it, but I appreciate you. Just wanted you to know that,” I tell him and find myself falling asleep in Mason’s arms.

  Later that night after our run and dinner I’m standing in the middle of the living room with a glass of wine in my hand and staring at the clock mural that’s full of pictures: pictures of Evan and me. Pictures of our high school graduation, college graduation, his graduation from the academy, the happiest day of our lives, and silly ones. Each picture represents a piece of both of us. This feeling of guilt comes over me and in so many ways I’m consumed with questions and confusion.

  Turning around I see Mason leaning against the wall. He’s staring at me and right now I don’t like it.

  “Stop standing there analyzing me. I am going to be okay. I know I look like a hot mess and I know I cry and scream at night. You don’t know what it’s like to be in my position. Losing your husband so young and trying to figure out how to live. It sucks, Mason. I lost my heart.”

  “No. You lost a piece of your heart,” he states and walks towards me. I stand my ground and slightly lift my chin to let him know he doesn’t scare me and I can handle him. “You lost him and yes he was your world. But you’re here. You’re here and you’re supposed to be mad. Yell more! Release all the demons you have, Care, because from what I can see you’re barely hanging on. Every time I think you’re doing better something happens and you revert back to the sad, depressed woman again.”

  “Just shut up, Mason. Shut the fuck up,” I scream and hold my wine glass tighter. Venom is spewing from my eyes and if he knows better he’ll run because right now if he says one more thing I will attack him.

  “Good,” he yells at me. “Let it out. You want to hit me don’t you?”

  “Fuck yes I do! I told you I am fine and you can’t leave it alone.”

  “Because you’re not fucking fine.” At this point he’s in my face and my small height doesn’t measure to his six-foot-one frame. But I don’t care. I’m making a stand and he will not push me around. “Admit it. You’re not fine.”

  “What the fuck do you want from me?” I scream and will the tears away. Anger courses through me and I throw my wine glass against the wall. “Why is this happening?” I cover my face with my hands to hide my tears from Mason. It doesn’t work. He’s by my side and leading me to the couch. Bringing me into his arms and by his side I cry for Evan. I cry for Mason and his friends. I cry for not seeing forever with Evan.

  I just cry.

  I surrender my emotions and let myself go again. All of these breakdowns and tears when will it stop? When will I be able to get through the day without feeling empty and angry?

  A surge of pain heaves through my chest and I feel my anxiety reach an all time high. My chest is so tight I can barely breathe. Every happy moment rushes out of me. There is nothing to be happy about and there is nothing that can make this pain go away. The agony is like a rainstorm-never ending and dangerous.

  Lightning flashes outside and I turn to see Caroline curled on her bed, clutching her pillow, and far away inside her dream. The furious storm winds blow through and whips the trees outside. A branch continually hits the window and I’m nervous it’ll wake her up. She needs to sleep. She needs to get away from reality and find her safe place. If I can give that to her I will. All I want is to keep Caroline happy and keep the demons away. I want her to feel love and happiness. I want her to be able to move on without the guilt of doing so.

  Looking outside the darkness of the sky shadows the room and when I turn to look at Caroline my jaw clenches as she tosses and turns. Walking to the bed I sl
owly sit down and place my hand on her hand. She instantly calms down and the tightness in my body releases. This woman, this strong and beautiful woman, is broken and all around us is the pain of loss that lingers. If only I can figure out a plan to do something.

  “Can you hold me?” Her little voice gets my attention and without thinking I lie down and pull her body to mine. She buries her face into my chest and lets out a sigh.

  “You okay?”

  “Just want the pain to go away.”

  “The best thing to do is to take it easy and remember to relax. We have each other and that’s important.”

  I hold her tighter and watch as she falls back asleep. Looking over to the side, the framed picture she has on her nightstand catches my eyes. It’s a picture of her and Evan on their wedding day. I can’t look away and soon guilt washes over me. Here I am comforting my best friend’s wife, who happens to be my best friend too, and yet I feel something going on. Shaking away the feeling, I press my head against the headboard and close my eyes. There’s a line I can’t cross and I’ll do everything I can to stay behind. I’m her friend and someone she can depend on. That’s all I need to be for her.

  The kiss in the kitchen plays on in my head. I’m an asshole for doing that. Thinking about it I realize she never pushed away or yelled at me. She wanted that kiss just as much as I did.

  I look at the picture again and immediately look away. There’s a line I can’t cross, I repeat. Don’t cross the line.

  My phone vibrates in my pocket, waking me up from my light sleep, and I turn to Caroline whose still lying on my chest. I’m ready to kill whoever’s calling me so early.

  “What?” I harshly whisper.

  “Why good morning to you too, sunshine.”

  “Heather? What?”

  “Mom wants to know if you and Caroline would like to come over for lunch today. She’s having a small BBQ and the pool looks really warm and I want to see Caroline.”

  I look down again and notice Caroline hasn’t moved all night. Lightly shaking her I try to wake her and when she stirs and looks up at me I cover the phone and ask if she’d like to go to my parents’ house.