Lord, I beg you to make things clear. Show me what to do. Work in Matthew’s heart to reveal to him the faith he needs. I plead for Your mercy for my doubt. Give me strength, and please, give me peace.
***
Matthew
My sleep did not improve, but I neglected to say anything about it to Dr. Keagan. Whenever I managed to doze off for periods of time, I’d awaken shivering in soaked sheets, with all sorts of nightmares fading from my mind. At least I didn’t raise any ruckus during those times I slept for a couple of hours here and there.
I was released from the hospital late Saturday afternoon with instructions to return for a follow-up visit with Dr. Keagan in a week. By the time we got back to the Sawyers’ house, it was time for supper, baths, reading with Hope, and then bed. Ruby was quiet, saying no more than what was necessary to get through the evening. I couldn’t exactly find words myself, so we retreated into our own worlds.
“I think I’ll sleep in tomorrow,” I said after she’d climbed in bed and turned out the light. “You and Hope go on to church with Mrs. Sawyer.”
She was quiet for what felt like a whole minute, and I thought I heard her breath shaking. “All right,” she whispered.
I turned over and did my best to fall asleep. But like the other nights, all I could do was think about a life without Ruby. I wavered between anger and heartache, resolve to leave, and doubts. I longed for a drink to numb the conflicting emotions running riot in my head, and cursed myself for becoming so dependent on alcohol. I was the worst kind of husband, I was sure of that.
I tried to pray. I closed my eyes, and I begged God to hear me, to speak to me like He spoke to Ruby. But it wasn’t long before my prayers became more of a shouting match in my own head. At the end, I was left with the same gut-wrenching question. How could I leave Ruby to face what lay ahead all alone?
And then finally, sleep came, and I had the most wonderful dream. Gone were the images of Kojima and his patrol closing in on me, my boots sinking further into the mud with every step. There was no gunfire, no screaming, no cries for mercy in a language I couldn’t understand. There was just Ruby and me, lying together on an old army blanket spread over the jungle floor.
Above us, palm leaves wave in the breeze. Before us, a clear blue sky stretches over Manila Bay. Ruby lies on her back beside me in her white camisole, her bare shoulder nearly irresistible.
“I can’t believe this is real,” I say. “After all the time I spent dreaming of you, you’re really mine.”
She presses her hand against my cheek. “I don’t deserve you. Not after everything I did. I should’ve never left.”
I press my finger to her lips. “Shh. None of that matters now. All that matters is that we’re together.” I lean down and murmur into her ear. “And you know what the best part is?”
“What?”
“Now you have to do what I say.”
“Excuse me?” Her grin betrays her attempt at anger.
“It’s in the Bible. God says so. You have to submit to me.”
“I see.” She narrows her eyes. “I should’ve known you had an ulterior motive. Well, you can forget that.” She moves to stand, but I roll her onto her back and gently pin her beneath me. She twists and giggles.
“Oh, no you don’t,” I say, kissing her to quiet her protests. “You’re mine forever now. Don’t you know that?”
She sobers. “You promise?”
“I already did. Do you want to hear it again?” She nods. I grin and begin kissing her shoulder, her neck, her chest, as I repeat my vows. “I, Matthew…take thee, Ruby…to be my wife…forever…and ever…and ever…
I stirred, the dream fading away, my heart still full of joy. I tried to go back to sleep. If only I could make the dream come back. But it wouldn’t stay. And the morning sun streamed through the window, reminding me of the reality I would face soon enough. But something about the dream stuck with me.
I remembered that day so well. After our wedding, we’d gone up on the ridge to be alone, to make love for the first time, and I’d joked about her submitting to me. But I hadn’t really been joking. I’d been counting on her rigid sense of right and wrong, her certainty of the inerrancy of Scripture, to work in my favor. Maybe God had sent that dream to me for a reason.
I got out of bed and went to the bedside table. I opened the top drawer, but it was empty. Ruby must have taken her Bible with her to church. I remembered the Bible I’d received from the missionary in the Manila hospital. Digging through my rucksack in the closet, I came across everything I’d thrown in there over the past several months: the letters from Mary, the picture of Hope and her drawing, and finally, the Bible. I pulled out the drawing Hope had made of all of us together and stared at it with determination. I had to find a way to make Ruby see. This was my hope. I’d find that Scripture again. Was it Galatians? Maybe Ephesians?
I took the Bible over to the bed and began my search, combing through verse after verse that held no meaning at the moment. After a half hour, I found it in Ephesians 5:22-24.
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
In everything. That was it. I just had to convince her that God wasn’t really telling her to go back to Alabama. That the blatant words of Scripture outweighed some vague notion in her head that God wanted her to do something crazy.
But before I could enjoy even a moment of relief, my eyes fell on the verses that followed.
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
A new thought began to work its way into my mind, one not of my own making. An admonition. An accusation. Love Ruby more than yourself.
“I do,” I said out loud before I realized it.
Love Ruby…and give yourself up for her.
Give myself up? What was that supposed to mean? That sounded like surrendering, and I’d already explained to Ruby, and therefore to God, exactly how I felt about surrendering. I wouldn’t just go marching back to Alabama and surrender. And I couldn’t give my blessing to Ruby doing it either.
In my frustration, I tossed the Bible onto the bedside table with too much force. It slid across the top and fell behind the table. “Great,” I muttered. “Throwing the Bible around. Just strike me down right now.”
I bent over to pick it up, but as I did so, I noticed a folder lodged between the table and the wall. It was the folder Mr. Fisher had given me from Father, and a few of the papers had slid out. It must have fallen back there during my breakdown.
I set the Bible carefully on the table before picking up the folder and papers. I laid the folder on the bed, and looked over the papers that had spilled out. A deed to some land in Cullman in my name. I had no interest in that, especially if it came from one of Father’s shady deals.
The next page was something I didn’t understand. It had to be out of order. The letterhead was from an attorney I didn’t know, and it seemed to be the continuation of a letter. My instincts told me to toss the whole thing, but the third paper caught my attention. It had Ruby’s name on it. And it looked like an official court document. An affidavit, maybe. My heart raced, shooting my blood pressure up and blurring my vision for a moment. I set the paper down and calmed myself before trying again.
This time I read every word carefully. The document appeared to be a request to vacate Ruby’s conviction on the basis of corruption on the part of the solicitor, Mr. Charles Garrett, and two members of the jury, Richard Moore and Jim Davis. Who wa
s Jim Davis? I didn’t have the whole thing. I rifled through the folder, searching for the rest of it. In the end, I found the missing papers and learned that Jim Davis was a juror in Ruby’s trial, but I couldn’t find anything definitive that explained everything in language I could understand.
I’d have to talk to Father, which was the last thing I wanted to do. I put the papers back in the folder, and considered everything that had happened in the past week. Maybe God was speaking to me after all. Maybe Ruby was right, and we could put the past to rest. Maybe we really could have a future filled with peace. I just had to agree to go back to Hanceville, Alabama.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Ruby
Matthew grew more anxious the closer our train drew to Birmingham. As the whistle blew, and the screeching of the wheels signaled our imminent arrival, he stood from the bench across from me and leaned against the large window spanning our compartment. He peered in both directions, as if he expected us to be boarded immediately, followed by my arrest.
I couldn’t blame him. I was anxious as well. But I was also full of so many other emotions competing with the anxiety. Matthew and I had come to an agreement about the path forward, that God did indeed seem to be pointing us home. Matthew didn’t elaborate too much on how he’d come to this conclusion, only that he’d prayed over it and had read Scripture that had changed his mind. I was too relieved to pressure him for more of an explanation. I’d prayed for God to change his heart, and He had answered my prayers. In this case, I was not inclined to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Hope scooted along the bench we shared and climbed into my lap. “Momma, are we there?”
After hearing this question for nearly the thousandth time in the past two days, I was finally able to answer yes. She bounced out of my lap and went to Matthew, holding her arms up toward him.
“Can I see, Daddy?” He didn’t seem to hear her, so she tugged on his pants. “Daddy, can I see?”
He glanced down as if he’d just remembered she was there. “Oh, sure sweetie,” he said, lifting her into his arms.
The picture of him holding our daughter sent a wave of doubt through me once again. What was I about to put them through? I reminded myself that we were in God’s hands, and that whatever lay ahead was part of His plans for our good and His glory. I just needed to keep reminding myself of that, over and over, until it stuck.
“Okay, sweetie,” Matthew said. “Hop down.” He set Hope on the bench beside me and squatted in front of her. “Remember what we talked about. You stay with Mommy while I take care of our things. Do not let go of Mommy’s hand.”
“Yes, sir.” She popped her thumb into her mouth.
“Do you have Velveteen and Skin Horse?”
She nodded.
“Where are they?” She looked around on the bench, not seeing them. “You need to find them and get ready to get off the train.”
Hope slid off the bench and crawled on the ground looking for her animals. Matthew sat on the bench across from me, leaning onto his elbows. He lowered his voice as he spoke to me.
“When we get off the train, take Hope to the restaurant and get a bite to eat or something. I’ll get our bags unloaded and wait for Asa.”
I reached over and took his hands, trying to smile. “I know what the plan is. We’ve been over this. Everything is going to be all right.”
He grimaced. “I just need you to understand that we are not waltzing into Cullman and turning ourselves in with no plan in place. We’re going to take the time we need to talk with Asa and your mother, explain everything to them, get a lawyer who can make sense of the mess we’re in, and then—and only then—will we go to the authorities.”
By this point I was fairly certain Matthew was in this for the long haul, so I ventured to ask what had been bothering me the entire trip. “Why are you doing this? What made you change your mind?”
“I told you why. I’m not going to let you face this alone. And I’m not convinced everything is going to work out the way you think it will. You may still need to disappear again. That’s why we have to talk to a lawyer first.”
“Oh,” I said, unable to hide my disappointment. “I thought you’d accepted that God wanted us to come back. I thought you had decided to trust Him.”
“Look, I’m not saying I don’t trust Him. It’s myself I don’t trust. I’ve been wrong about so many things already. I just want to have a backup plan. You’re probably right. Maybe He is leading us back here, and He’s going to make everything work out great. You’re the one who’s always so sure about these things.”
I leaned back in my seat and turned my gaze out the window. A backup plan had nothing to do with trust. For me, there was no backup plan. But now wasn’t the time to debate it. I was about to face Asa and explain to him why I’d let him believe I was dead for so long. And then I’d have to face Mother.
Fear, excitement, longing, and sadness swirled around inside me, making me nauseous. The train came to a stop, and Hope climbed back into my lap with Velveteen and Skin Horse in her arms. Matthew went out into the passageway and asked a porter about helping with our bags. I hugged Hope close to me, and said another prayer.
Stepping off the train, we made our way into the huge central waiting area, beneath a beautiful domed skylight. I hadn’t noticed it when Henry and I had come through Birmingham, our heads down, my heart racing with fear of being discovered. I was still afraid. I couldn’t seem to chase all my doubts away, but this time I forced myself to see the beauty around me.
Matthew pointed out to the porter where he wanted him to take our luggage, and then came over to me for a quick kiss. “I’ll come and get you both after I speak with Asa. I’m sure he’s going to be in shock for a bit. I’m not sure how long we’ll be.”
“It’s all right. Take the time you need.” I tugged on Hope’s hand. “Come on, sweetie. Let’s go get something to eat while we wait.”
***
Hope and I had finished a second plate of fried green tomatoes when Matthew came to get us. I tried to read his expression to know how Asa had taken the news, but he looked just the same as he had for weeks now. Determined.
He slid into the booth across from Hope and me, keeping his voice low. “Asa’s waiting out by his truck. We already took all the luggage out and loaded it. We’re ready to go.”
“How did he take it?” I asked.
“I can’t rightly say. He was most certainly shocked, but he took it in stride after I explained it all to him a second time through. Poor fella. Maybe I should’ve explained it in the letter I sent, but I just didn’t want to take the risk of putting anything in writing. Honestly, I expected him to already know everything. I figured Henry might’ve told him too, since he was so freely telling his friends.”
I let that last comment slide. “Do they know about Henry?”
Matthew nodded, his eyes flitting to the waiting area. “They got a telegram back in April.”
At least we wouldn’t have to break that news. I turned my attention to Hope. “Get Velveteen and Skin Horse, and let’s go meet your Uncle Asa.”
When we made it to the row of cars where Asa was waiting, I couldn’t contain myself. I dropped Matthew’s hand and took off running toward him. I must have looked like a little girl, and I suppose for a few moments, I felt like one.
Asa, still tall and thin with a full head of gray hair, pushed away from the back of his truck and came to meet me. He threw his arms around me, and I soaked up the joy of feeling the familiar love of both him and Daddy all wrapped into one big hug.
“Oh, Lord have mercy,” he said, holding me tight as we rocked from side to side. “It’s true.”
“I’ve missed you so much,” I managed through my tears.
“Praise the Lord. God is so good.” He pulled my shoulders back and studied me with a huge smile. “Let me look at you.” His eyes teared up. “I never wanted to believe you were gone. I just…I’m so happy to see you.” He pulled me back into his embr
ace.
“Asa, you haven’t changed a bit,” I said.
He released me, and I turned to see Matthew carrying Hope toward us. She looked at Asa and me with a curious smile, her hand shading her eyes in the sunlight.
“This must be your sweet angel,” Asa said. “She’s just as beautiful as her momma.”
I held out my arms, and she climbed into them. “Hope, this is your Great-Uncle Asa.”
“Hello,” Hope said in a tiny voice.
Asa bent down a bit and stuck out his hand. “Well, Miss Hope, you have made this one of the happiest days of my whole life. Did you know that?”
“Weally?” She looked at me like she wasn’t too sure, before shaking his hand.
“Yes, ma’am. In fact, I think you’re going to spread so much happiness today, we just may have to name this day after you from now on.”
She giggled and buried her head in my neck. “How are we going to tell Mother?” I asked.
Asa chuckled and lifted an eyebrow. “Well, I reckon we have just over an hour to figure that out.”
The ride to Hanceville was crowded, but I didn’t mind. I squeezed into the cab between Asa and Matthew, while Hope sat in Matthew’s lap. Asa asked one question after another about what we’d been up to, what happened to us on the Philippines, and how Matthew had survived for the three years he’d been trapped there.
There was enough subject matter for a year’s worth of conversations, so we barely scratched the surface of our experiences. Matthew let me do most of the talking, and when he did talk about the Philippines, I noticed he didn’t mention Henry. As happy as Asa and I were to be together, Matthew still seemed anxious. He spent most of the ride looking out the window or fussing over Hope squirming in his lap. There wasn’t a thing I could do about it, so I kept my attention on Asa, asking him all about the goings on around Hanceville.
Abiding Hope: A Novel: Healing Ruby Book 4 Page 25