The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole Aged 13 3/4 (Adrian Mole 1)
Page 21
The book contains many examples of celebrities and their madness:
David Beckham has locked the keys inside his car on 91 different occasions!
Prince Charles tried to teach his favourite dog, Toby, to recite the Lord’s Prayer!
Liz Hurley keeps a succession of lucky spiders in a customized, Gucci, matchbox!
Sven Goran-Eriksson has a photograph of a long-dead pet reindeer on his bedside table!
Professor Laurier Taylor, the eminent sociologist, was sent a rough first draft and returned a compliment slip acknowledging receipt
Situation Comedy
– The White Van
A serial killer comedy, hopefully starring Russell Brand as the serial killer.
(The Performers have yet to be approached).
LITERARY CURRICULUM VITAE (BREVIS)
Plays
– Plague!
Writer/Dramaturg of a community play involving the total population of Mangold Parva (144 Souls plus intelligent animals), loosely based on the fact that the village was a centre for the Black Death. The animals are required to take part.
A typical stage direction would be: ‘The dogs bow their heads in unison and the chicken goes to center stage and lays an egg’. This coup de theatre may require the help of an animal trainer.
Difficult, but I think we can pull if off.
Agent: Brick Eagleburger at Brick Eagleburger Associates
brickeagleburger@yanklit.com
Tuesday, November 21, 2000:
Brick Eagleburger had sent my epic poem, The Restless Tadpole, to a certain Geoffrey Perkins at BBC TV Centre. I asked Brick which department Mr Perkins worked in Brick said, ‘The guy’s head of fuckin’ comedy.’ I angrily Pointed out that The Restless Tadpole is an entirely serious dramtic work written in the tradition of the lcelandic sagas. Brick said, Listen up, Adrian, I flicked through the fuckin’ manuscript Tadpole and I godda tell ya I almost peed my fuckin’ Pants, it’s so funny.’ Brick carried on. My favourite scene is when the tadpole is lying in Marilyn Monroe’s garden pond and it overhears Arthur Miller talking crap about Tolstoy.’
I have always known that Brick Eagleburger is a Philistine, however, he is now totally misrepresenting me and my work.
This is where Mr Eagleburger and myself parted company for a while.
Adrian’s Family Tree
MOLE, Daisy (née Flowers):
Wife of Adrian, half-sister of Marigold. Dark, ravishing ex-PR to the famous who claims to be ‘author of my own life’. Loathes the countryside, longs for Dean Street and is not amused at being reduced to flogging off her Jimmy Choos on eBay.
MOLE, Gracie:
Adrian’s daughter. A precocious mini-Stalinist who hates her nursery uniform, preferring to drag her little mermaid tail to school.
BOTT, Glenn:
Adrian’s illegitimate son by Sharon Bott, in the Royal Logistics corp.
Finley Rose:
Glenn’s very beautiful and well-balanced girlfriend. A fan of Silent Witness, she aspires to be a forensic pathologist.
BOTT, Sharon:
Old flame of Adrian’s. Mother of Glenn Bott. Also mother of Kent, Bradford and Caister.
Ryan:
Sharon Bott’s partner, a youth of 27 years.
Jo Jo:
Adrian’s ex-wife. Has moved back to Nigeria. Mother of William. Has beauty, brains, money and talent, and frankly was out of Adrian’s league, as well as being four inches taller than him.
MOLE, William:
Adrian’s young son by African princess Jo Jo. After his parents’ separation, brought up by the Mole family in Ashby-de-la-Zouch. Unsurprisingly returns to his mother in Nigeria, changing his name to Wole Mole.
FLOWERS, marigold:
Thirty-something on-the-shelf depressive who once accidentally became Adrian’s girlfriend and is now his sister-in-law. Now married to Brain-box Henderson, über-geek before it was fashionable. They regularly converse in fluent Klingon.
HENDERSON, BRUCE ‘Brainbox’:
Adrian’s old schoolmate and husband of Marigold. He also owns his own company, Idiotech, who specialize in ‘technology for idiots’.
FLOWERS, Michael:
Father of Marigold and Daisy, proprietor of Country Organics. Keen member of the Madrigal Society.
FLOWERS, Netta:
Wife of Michael and mother of Marigold and Daisy, another Madrigal.
FLOWERS, Poppy:
Sister of Marigold with extraordinarily long hair.
MOLE, George:
Adrian’s father. Although his many episodes of hospitalization, depression, unemployment and erectile dysfunction have taken their toll, he is still chain smoking and has had an ashtray welded onto the arm of his wheelchair. Despite their various tribulations, he still loves Pauline Mole.
MOLE, Pauline:
Adrian’s perennially unfulfilled mother. Living in a semi-detached converted pigsty with the stroke-ridden George Mole is not how she expected things to turn out. Still possessing a certain tawdry glamour, she is determined to have one last sexual fling before she dies.
MOLE, Rosie:
Adrian’s much younger sister. Has adopted the ‘rebel’ persona, and is currently failing at Leeds University alongside her latest inelegantly wasted boyfriend. The doubts about her paternity are finally settled live on The Jeremy Kyle Show.
BRAITHWAITE, Ivan:
Father of Pandora. Supposedly freelance dairy management consultant and freethinker.
BRAITHWAITE, Dr. Pandora:
Adrian Mole’s beautiful, treacle-haired first girlfriend and lifelong obsession. Now a Junior Minister in the Foreign Office. Willing to confide in Adrian as a trusted friend, but her autobiography Out of the Box has two entries under ‘Mole, Adrian’, and 112 under ‘Lovers’.
BRAITHWAITE, Tania:
Mother of Pandora. Teaches Women’s Studies at De Montford university.
CARLTON-HAYES, Mr:
Adrian’s employer.
Leslie:
Mr Carlton-Hayes’ partner of unknown gender.
The Adrian Mole Diaries
The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole Aged 13 ¾ & The Growing Pains of Adrian Mole
(January 1981–June 1983)
PRINCIPAL CHARACTERS
BAXTERY, Bert
Belligerent and filthy 89-year-old communist who has sworn not to die until capitalism is destroyed; eventually becoming the oldest man in Leicester. Lives on beetroot sandwiches, Vesta curry and brown ale, and speaks fluent Hindi. After joining ‘Good Samaritans’ in a misguided attempt to avoid maths, Adrian becomes his toe-nail cutter, bottle washer and friend for the next sixteen years.
BRAITHWAITE, Pandora
Adrian Mole’s beautiful, treacle-haired first girlfriend and lifelong obsession. In youth, a pony riding swot whose motto is ‘get to Oxford or die’; she soon leaves Adrian and ‘the wretched provinces’ far behind. Academic stardom smoothes her way to Parliament, the edge of power and a love affair with the TV cameras. A political Helen of Troy, her ambitious path to become Labour’s first woman Prime Minister is littered with strategic conquests. Although willing to confide in Adrian as a trusted friend, her autobiography Out of the Box has two entries under ‘Mole, Adrian’, and 112 under ‘lovers’.
BRAITHWAITE, Ivan
Father of Pandora. In 1981 a self-satisfied, bourgeois-left dairy accountant. After transforming into a freelance information consultant he suffers several episodes of technology-induced mania and Choice Overload Syndrome. Involved in the great Mole family partner swap. A sartorial disaster area.
BRAITHWAITE, Tania
Mother of Pandora. A pretentious well-groomed bohemian who later loses her dress sense after a mild stroke. Also involved in the great Mole family partner swap. A fanatical devotee of Japanese gardening, she can often be seen raking the gravel.
Dog, The
The Mole dog, never given a proper name by family tradition. Follows Adrian to school, stands in front of the telev
ision and is always expensively at the vet’s.
ELLIOT, Courtney
Erudite ex-academic postman with a red-spotted bow tie and ruffled shirt. Will help with exam-coaching and lend a fiver when the giro fails to arrive.
KENT, Barry
Adrian’s nemesis and tormenter. School bully and local yob leader. Taught to read in prison, he performs as ‘Baz the skinhead poet’ and fashions a career as a poet and novelist, delighting the intelligentsia with political rants in an exaggerated Leicester accent. His modern classic, ‘Dork’s Diary’ featuring ‘Aiden Vole’ is still selling strongly. Adrian is constantly surprised by the extent of his hatred for Kent, which is undiminished after twenty years.
LEMON, Rick
Socially conscious leader of the ‘Off the Streets’ youth club, where he encourages Adrian to be an individual and throw off his petit-bourgeois shackles. Has since moved out of a squat and bought a new semi on the Badger’s Copse Barrett estate.
LUCAS, MR (Creep Lucas)
Next-door neighbour to the Mole family. A smarmy, self-assured insurance salesman. Embarks on a doomed affair with Pauline Mole which ends badly in a Sheffield bed-sit. Believes himself to be Rosie Mole’s father.
LUCAS, Mrs
Estranged wife of Mr Lucas who left him for another woman.
MANCINI, Hamish
Adrian’s American ‘holiday friend’ who becomes an unwanted pen pal and guest. Overenthusiastic and under analysis; his psychiatrist in New York is doing great things with his libido.
MOLE, George
Adrian’s father. His many episodes of hospitalization, depression, unemployment and erectile dysfunction have taken their toll. A cynical persona hides a self-pitying, sentimental streak; will admit to crying over Jonathan Livingston Seagull, the only ‘literature’ he has ever read. Has made several attempts to join the middle-classes by pronouncing his aitches, but is sabotaged by his liking for HP sauce on toast and a lack-lustre employment history. In later life dresses to give the impression that he was once in the music business, but will always look like a retired storage heater salesman. Despite their many tribulations he still loves Pauline Mole, but yearns for pre-feminist times when she wore high heels in the house and women were not allowed to captain warships.
MOLE, Albert (Granddad Mole)
George Mole’s father, Adrian’s long-dead grandfather, whose memory is revered by May Mole. Shaved daily in the trenches at Ypres even though rats ate his soap. A rich source of inspiration for Adrian’s various therapists.
MOLE, May (Grandma Mole)
George Mole’s mother; Adrian’s fearsome grandmother. The only real authority figure in the Mole family, the provider of proper Sunday dinners, constant electricity and unwanted religion. An enemy of Bert Baxter, whom she regards as a disruptive influence on Evergreen’s coach trips.
MOLE, Pauline (née Sugden)
Adrian’s mother is a mass of contradictions; an ardent feminist in the early eighties, she nevertheless still tends to define herself by the men in her life. She has a tawdry glamour and would not pick the milk up from the doorstep without first applying her lipstick. Pauline knows that she has not reached her full potential: ‘I haven’t got a single letter after my name and only Mrs in front.’ She craves drama and excitement, which could explain why she has been married five times, (three to the same man, George Mole), and is very fond of litigation. Stumbling over a cracked paving slab, in Pauline’s world, is a marvellous opportunity to make money and appear as a dramatic witness in the Small Claims court. As George Mole’s health deteriorates, Pauline finds that she is not a natural nurse; the virtues of patience and constancy are foreign to her, as are the domestic arts –he was a pioneering and enthusiastic user of boil-in-the-bag convenience meals.
She has balsamic vinegar and HP sauce on the table, Barbara Taylor Bradford and Raymond Carver on her bookshelves and records The Jeremy Kyle Show and Newsnight on Sky Plus. She is determined to have one last sexual fling before she dies.
MOLE, Rosie
Adrian’s much younger sister. Since the day he witnessed her birth she has been a worry to him. At three she was ‘Rosemary’ and followed him ‘like a little shadow’; by fourteen a foul-mouthed vamp who regarded him with loathing. Although reconciled with Adrian, she has been known to spend Christmas day in Hull with a crack addicted boyfriend rather than endure the Mole family celebrations. There have always been doubts about her paternity.
MOLE, Susan
Adrian’s aunt. A prison officer at Holloway, smokes Panama cigars and is partner to the glamorous and sexy Gloria.
HETHERINGTON, Nigel
Adrian’s life-long best friend, a cynical observer of his suffering over the years. Nigel’s abundant consumer goods are a constant reminder to the young Adrian of his relative poverty and parental neglect. A seeker, Nigel flirts with various sexualities, religions and subcultures, finally escaping to London for ‘music and sex’ after being removed from NatWest counters for wearing Buddhist robes. Well connected in the Soho ‘pink mafia’, he is registered blind in 2002 and returns to Leicester embittered and unemployed.
Queenie
Bert Baxter’s new wife, described by Adrian as ‘one of those loud types of old lady that dyes her hair and tries to look young’. Their romance scandalizes the residents of the Alderman Cooper Sunshine Home.
SCRUTON, Mr (Pop-eyed Seruton)
Manic Headmaster of Neil Armstrong Comprehensive School who terrifies pupils and staff alike. His fanatical belief in dress standards is indirectly responsible for Adrian’s Pandora Braithwaite fixation, via the ‘red socks’ protest movement. A devout admirer of Mrs Thatcher.
SINGH FAMILY
The Mole family’s new next-door neighbours, temporary carers for Bert Baxter.
SLATER, Doreen (Stick Inseet)
George Mole’s anorexic lover, a single mother with ‘no bust and no bum&;. Mother of Adrian’s half-brother Brett.
TUDEMAN, John
Kindly Assistant Head of Radio Drama for the BBC. The accidental recipient of Adrian’s handwritten manuscripts, ensuring torment and large return postage bills for many years. Later Head of Radio Drama.
SABRE
Bert Baxter’s irritable, vicious Alsatian. Fellow Alsatians cower as he passes by. Needs a four-mile daily walk or he chews the sink for entertainment.
SUGDEN, Mr & Mrs
Adrian’s maternal grandparents. Norfolk potato farmers incapable of enjoying themselves unless something is being harvested or slaughtered. They have never understood why Pauline Mole abandoned the black fields for the bright lights of Leicester, but see it as their duty to spend every Christmas disapproving of her ‘wanton’ lifestyle.
True Confessions of Adrian Albert Mole, including Adrian Mole and the Small Amphibians
(October 1985 – January 1991)
BOTT, Sharon
Adrian’s second girlfriend and the mother of his son, Glenn. ‘A provincial dullard working in a laundry’, in the harsh assessment of the 18-year-old Adrian. Since their disastrous first date at fourteen she has dramatically expanded and is now reminiscent of ‘Moby Dick with a perm’. Adrian thinks their relationship was always doomed due to the class divide: he upper-working/lower-middle, she lower-working/underclass. A warm-hearted but ineffectual mother who lives in mild squalor.
BROWN, Mr
Adrian’s boss in the Newt Section at the Department of the Environment in Oxford. A wildlife fanatic dressed by Man at C&A who claims to have not taken a day off in twenty-two years. Has spent Christmas Day classifying seaweed at Dungeness.
MUFFETT, Martin
Wilbur Smith-loving engineering student who holds Adrian and all intellectuals in contempt. A lodger in the Mole household who becomes Pauline Mole’s second husband, ageing ten years in the process.
LIVINGSTONE, Rocky (Big Boy)
Pandora’s live-in lover in Oxford. A 16-stone bodybuilder with a chain of gyms, he is happily unaware of the existence of the things Adri
an worries about and ‘lives in a world of sight and sound only’.