Several globules of saliva flew from Eric’s mouth as Christine embedded her fist into his gut, driving the wind from his lungs in one fell swoop. As the perverted young man fell to the floor and curled up in a fetal position, gasping in agonic asphyxia, the pale-skinned girl stared down at the new target of her anger and embarrassment.
Tsundere protocols: activated.
“DIE!”
“GYYAAAA!”
“YOU DISGUSTING, LECHEROUS PIECE OF SHIT!”
“GAAAA!”
“DIE! DIE! DIE!”
“MOMMY!”
“What’s this girl’s malfunction?” Lindsay leaned over and cupped a hand to her mouth, whispering into Lilian’s ear.
“That girl’s a tsundere,” was Lilian’s very succinct answer. She didn’t seem to care if Christine heard her or not.
“Tsundere?” Lindsay blinked, then again for good measure. “Why does that sound so familiar?”
“Um.” Lilian decided to educate her new friend, pulling out her handy-dandy book, “TvTropes for Dummies,” and flipping through the pages. “Let’s see, there’s… yandere, nope. Dandere? Nope. Kuudere. Uh uh. Himedere? Um, that’s not it either…”
Lindsay watched the redhead flip through the pages of her book, then turned to look at Kevin. “What is she doing?”
“Don’t worry,” he reassured her, “this is just a part of her character concept.”
“Her what?”
“… Never mind.”
“Ah-ha! Found it!” Lilian cried out triumphantly. Coughing into her hand, the redhead adopted a lecture pose, her left arm bending at the elbow to support her right arm, the hand of which held the book up to her face. She then began to read. “The Japanese term tsundere refers to a character who alternates between two distinct moods: tsun-tsun which refers to someone who acts cold and irritable, and dere-dere, which is when someone acts demure and shy.”
Lindsay didn’t get it. “Um, what?”
“This term was first used to describe characters who had a cold and sometimes even harsh personality, but over the course of a story would reveal a soft and vulnerable side. In recent years, this character archetype has become flanderized, and now people generally associate it with characters who flip between these two emotional extremes at the slightest provocation.”
“I am so lost,” Lindsay muttered.
“Don’t worry,” Kevin reassured her again, “you’ll get used to it.”
For some reason, his words made Lindsay groan.
Lilian ignored them and continued. “The character’s tsun-tsun side can range from giving their crush ‘the silent treatment’ to ‘shoving their face in a blender while shouting obscenities and threatening with murder.’ Anime enthusiasts have theorized why a tsundere’s behavior can vary so wildly. Most generally agree that the reason has to do with the conflicting feelings of affection they have toward a love interest, and their reaction to having those feelings in the first place.”
“Uh…”
“Basically—” Lilian snapped the book shut and put it back into her Extra Dimensional Storage Space— “Tsunderes are people who have a tendency to act really bitchy and cold, but are actually really nice people on the inside.”
“I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL MURDER YOU DEAD!”
“OH, GOD NOOOOO!!”
“… Most of the time.”
Lindsay looked at the gorgeous redhead for a moment longer, before deciding to ignore everything Lilian had just said. She didn’t even want to consider what this girl was talking about. Tsun-tsun? Dere-dere? Tsunderes? Count her out. She had no interest in that Japanese stuff Kevin and his friends obsessed over.
Instead, she looked over to where Christine was laying waste to one of the boys in their group… only to wince when she saw the pale-skinned female stomp on Eric’s better-left-unmentioned male anatomy. The squeal that followed, reminiscent of a pig being gutted, nearly made Lindsay reach down to protect her own non-existent gonads. That had to hurt.
Lilian adopted a thoughtful mien. Her left hand rose to cup her chin, while her right hand held her left arm aloft at the elbow and her hips cocked at an angle.
“Although, considering she’s beating on Eric and not Kevin, I wonder if this girl is a true tsundere or just a really, really violent girl.”
“Ugh, whatever,” Lindsay grimaced. “A-anyway, don’t you think we should stop her before she kills him?”
“I don’t see why,” Lilian replied, gazing at the scene with an expression of apathy. “While he did not do anything extremely perverse today, I am sure he did something to deserve this. It’s probably karma.”
“DIE INGRATE!”
“SOMEONE, HELP ME! JESUS? ALLAH? KAMI?”
Looking at the violence taking place several yards away, Lindsay considered the salacious teen as he screamed for help, then slowly nodded her head.
“Yeah… I think you might be right.”
Lindsay had to wonder why neither she nor any of the people present were bothered by the violence being committed in front of them. It might have had something to do with the recipient of said violence.
Eric Corrompere was a well-known peeping Tom. Every girl knew of his unabashed licentiousness. They also knew that, if given the opportunity, he would peep on them without a second’s hesitation. His lecherous actions were so bad that all of the older high school girls warned the freshmen about him and had even put several contingency plans in place to deal with Eric, in the event that they discovered him doing something that put their virtue in jeopardy.
Kevin Swift also watched the massacre taking place. He knew that he should feel bad for his friend, but for some reason, he didn’t. It was probably because of that strange feeling he had seconds before Eric tried pouncing on Christine. He didn’t really understand, but it felt like he had just barely dodged the bullet.
Justin just stared at Eric with unusually round eyes. He was not one for showing emotion often, but, when he did display something other than boredom, it was only under the most dire or perplexing of circumstances.
He turned to look at his friends, his normally half-lidded, apathetic eyes were somewhat wider than normal. “… help…?”
“OH, GOD! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?”
“Why? Why?! I’m doing this because you’re a damn pervert! And all perverts deserve to DIE!”
“IIIYYYYAAAA!”
The twins gave Justin a look of barely masked incredulity.
“Do you really want to get in the way of that?” asked Alex.
“Because I sure don’t,” finished Andrew.
Justin looked down at his pervy friend, who, by this point, looked a lot like a lump of misshapen meat that had been beaten with a mallet by a psychotic butcher. His cries were also growing weaker. Everyone present was surprised that he hadn’t passed out from the pain yet.
Justin looked back at his friends. Slowly, ever so slowly, he nodded at them.
“… Point…”
***
Not long after Christine finished trying to ensure that Eric would never be able to procreate, the yuki-onna decided to join them.
“I-it’s not like I want to be with you or anything, idiot! It’s just boring walking around by myself! Hmph!” she had said with a face that reminded Kevin of an icicle and steam pouring out of her ears.
Shortly after her entrance into the group, they made it to the arcade, at which point the two yōkai began fighting over the boy they were mutually attracted to―even if one of them was unwilling to admit it. Both wanted Kevin to play an arcade game with them. Unfortunately, not only were the games they wanted to play completely different (Lilian wanted to play “House of Haunted Horrors” while Christine had been looking forward to a game of air hockey), they also didn’t want to share Kevin with the other. Hence the fighting.
“Let! Go!”
“No, you let go!”
The two continued pulling on the poor teen’s arms, their teeth gritted and their eyes narrowed in fierce expre
ssions of rivalry. Sparks flew between them, arcs of arcane energy that struck the ground like miniature lightning bolts, causing several people to skitter away in fear of being zapped. They didn't even pay attention to the way Kevin's head lolled limply back and forth each time they yanked on his arms, or the way his eyes had rolled into the back of his head. Go figure.
“I told you, Kevin’s going to be playing that zombie shooting game with me!” Lilian glowered at the stupid snow-maiden who was trying to steal her Kevin.
“It’s called ‘House of Haunted Horrors,’ idiot! And no he isn’t! He’s going to play air hockey with me!”
“Hey! Don’t call me an idiot!”
“I’ll call you whatever I damn well please! Now get your grubby paws off him, fox-skank!”
Lilian bared her fangs at the snow maiden, her grip on Kevin’s arm tightening. She refused to lose to this stupid goth-loli who was trying to steal her mate.
It wasn’t until several minutes after the fight began that Lilian remembered something important about this girl: she was a tsundere.
Lilian grinned.
“Why do you even want to play a game with him anyways?” she asked, her voice slyer than a fox. While she kept Christine occupied, she subtlety glanced in Eric’s direction. The young man was stewing in jealousy and anger, a boiling pot of overflowing emotions. Yes, he would work nicely. “I thought you didn’t like Kevin.”
“Eh?”
The question actually brought a pause to the fighting as Christine took a moment to register the words more fully. When she did, her face became a blushing wreck.
She let go of Kevin, as if holding the boy had scalded her hands. This allowed Lilian to pull the insensate young man into her waiting bosom. Too bad the young man in question wasn’t awake to enjoy it.
“I-I-I don’t… I mean, i-i-it’s not like I want him to… to…”
As Christine tried to come up with a proper excuse to explain why she was fighting over Kevin, her face became bluer and bluer as her yuki-onna powers started circulating through her body beyond her control.
Lilian then witnessed the activation of Christine’s tsundere protocols, which consisted of blushing, stuttering and becoming abnormally violent. She had to admit, it amused her a lot. It was like playing a successful prank without even trying.
“Shut up!” Christine shouted, stomping on the ground like a petulant child. “Shut up, shut up, shut up! Idiot! Skank! Big-breasted cow!”
“B-big breasted cow,” Lilian growled. She calmed down a second later and snorted derisively. “You shouldn’t insult someone just because they have bigger boobs than you. It makes you seem petty; breast envy is such an undesirable trait.”
“B-breast envy!” Christine squawked, before going on another tirade. “Y-you-you don’t know what you’re talking about! Ignorant! Stupid! Foolish woman! I-I-I’ll kill you!”
Whether Christine would have actually gone through with her threat would never be known. The moment she let go of Kevin, Eric saw his chance to finally claim his Goth Hottie for himself. There was no way he would let this girl also go to Kevin! That prudish jerk already had his Tit Maiden! He couldn’t allow that idiot to claim another girl for himself!
“My Gothic Hottie! Come to papaaaaggGGGHHH!”
“DIE!”
“UWAAAG!”
Lilian smiled. It always felt nice to see such a well-crafted plan executed without fail. While a part of her felt bad for placing that enchantment on Eric to make him act with even less intelligence than usual—oh, who was she kidding? She didn’t care about that pervert. The only thing she cared about was that she had finally gotten Kevin away from that stupid tsun-loli.
Try and steal my mate, will you? That’ll show you!
“Don’t worry, Beloved.” She gently stroked Kevin’s blond hair, her touch loving and gentle. “I’ll protect you from that violent tsundere… eh?”
It was only now, after the argument between her and Christine was over and done with, that Lilian finally realized her chosen mate was unconscious.
“Beloved! Oh, Inari! Beloved, are you okay?! Speak to me, Beloved!”
While Lilian began shaking Kevin in the hopes of waking him up―which was very counterproductive―and Christine continued to violently emasculate a certain pervert… again, Lindsay stood off to the side with the others, all of them watching the scene unfold with matching befuddled expressions.
None of Lindsay’s friends knew what to make of the scene before them.
“This is the second time these two have started fighting each other today. I wonder why they hate each other so much?”
“I know, right?”
“Ah! You don’t think they’re love rivals, do you?”
“You mean that goth girl is also in love with Kevin? Really?”
“It certainly looks that way, doesn’t it? I mean, why else would she fight over him like that?”
“I know, right?”
“Speaking of that girl, doesn’t she look awfully familiar? I think I’ve seen her sitting on the bleachers during P.E.”
“That’s right! She’s the one who never participates in class. And I have her in my literature class, too. I wonder why I never noticed her before?”
“I know, right?”
“You’re doing it again, Jessica.”
“I know―Oops. Sorry, my bad.”
While the group chatted and observed the chaos unfolding, Lindsay could only wonder how, or maybe when, Kevin’s life had become such an unholy mess.
“Mercy!” Eric screamed shrilly, his face a mask of agony. “Please! Show me some merccyyyYYYYYYAAAAA!!”
“You don’t get to beg for mercy, worm! Now hurry up and DIE!”
“Oh, god! AAEEIIIII!!!”
"Beloved? Beloved?! KEVIN!"
Yes, Lindsay really didn’t envy Kevin. Not at all.
***
Kevin and Lilian sat in a small café, ignored by the crowd of patrons who’d also congregated there.
It was later in the evening and the sun was beginning to set; light gold hues containing purple streaks marred the sky. Splotches of orange and yellow disrupted its splendor, but also somehow enhanced the sunset’s overall visual appeal.
The large group had split up a while ago; each of them heading back home, all except Kevin and Lilian. Since they didn’t have parents waiting for them, they didn’t have any set time they needed to return.
Of course, Kevin normally liked getting home early. It was Monday, which usually meant they had school the next day. Since the campus was closed until repairs could be affected, however, he figured it would be all right to indulge Lilian’s desire and stay out a bit later than the norm.
Leaning back in his chair, his head tilted toward the ceiling, Kevin tried to ignore the dull ache in his body. His arms were sore from Lilian and Christine playing tug-of-war with them. They literally felt like they had been torn at the seams. He also felt extraordinarily exhausted. Dealing with two girls fighting over him for reasons that he couldn’t understand was tiring.
And just what was up with those two anyway? Why had they been fighting over him? Lilian he could understand, but Christine? Why would she fight over him? She didn’t even like him, as she constantly reminded him every time they saw each other.
Kevin covered his face with his hands and groaned. He really didn’t want to think about this right now.
“Are you alright, Kevin?”
Lowering his head, Kevin’s eyes landed on Lilian. The twin-tailed beauty was staring at him in obvious concern. It was almost enough to warm his heart. Almost, because he was simply too tired to feel much of anything at that moment.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” He sighed and lowered his hands back onto the table. “I’m just not feeling too well, I guess.”
Lilian’s worried frown became more prominent.
“Did you not have fun today?”
“It wasn’t that I didn’t have any fun,” Kevin replied, “I mean, this morning when we s
aw that movie together was nice, and it was fun when we had ice cream, but after that…”
Shaking his head, he tried putting what had transpired after visiting the ice cream parlor out of his mind. He really didn’t want to remember the disastrous series of events that happened later on that day.
“Is there anything I can do to help?” Lilian asked earnestly. Kevin actually cracked a smile, even as he shook his head.
“I’m fine. A good night’s rest and I’ll be good as new.” When he saw the concerned look remain in place, he gave Lilian a more genuine smile filled with gratitude. “Thank you for being so concerned for me, though. It means a lot to me.”
“You’re welcome,” Lilian cheeks suffused with warmth. There was just something about having the person she loved expressing gratitude toward her that sent her heart thumping wildly against her chest.
Silence settled over them as they sat there, two small lattés in front of them. It was neither discomforting nor oppressing, this moment, just a comfortable quiet between two friends who, if Lilian had her way, would become much more than mere friends in the near future.
“Do we have any plans for tomorrow?”
Kevin opened his eyes, which he had closed sometime during the pause in conversation. Blinking, he looked at the girl for a second, then frowned.
“I hadn’t really thought about tomorrow, to be honest,” he admitted, “though, considering what happened today, I don’t think I’m up for another trip to the mall any time soon.” They had been going to the mall too much lately in his opinion, anyway. “I’m thinking of just staying home and relaxing.”
“Oh.”
Kevin observed Lilian as she squirmed in her seat, and couldn’t help but wonder why she seemed so nervous. Was she anxious about something? Or was it… ah, that must have been it.
His lips curled upwards. “Did you want to do something tomorrow?”
Lilian looked surprised, but soon graced him with a bedazzling smile as she shook her head. “Not really. So long as I’m with you, I don’t really care what we do.”
Kevin couldn’t keep the blush from appearing on his cheeks. He tried to cover his red face by taking a sip of his latté. He needed to calm down. This wasn’t something to get embarrassed over. Lilian said stuff like this all the time. Heck, she had been saying stuff like this for as long as he’d known her. This really wasn’t a big deal.
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