Kotohime raised a single, delicate raven colored eyebrow. “But you love your mother, do you not?”
“That’s completely different,” Kevin snapped. “You can’t
compare the love someone has for their mom to the love they have for their girlfriend, or mate, or whatever. It’s not the same thing. And besides, I’ve never even had a girlfriend before. I’ve only liked one girl before Lilian, and even then, I found out that I didn’t like her as much as I thought I did.”
Kotohime crossed her arms under her chest, drawing attention to her katana, which she held in her left hand. “What are you trying to say, exactly?”
Kevin raked his fingers through messy locks of blond hair. “I’m saying that I don’t really know if I’m in love with Lilian, or if I just like her. I’m too young to understand what love even means. I’m only fifteen! Heck, I’ve never even kissed a girl before Lilian.”
When Kotohime raised an eyebrow, Kevin colored in embarrassment upon realizing what he’d just admitted.
“Don’t ask. Anyway, my point is that I have no idea how I feel about her, and I refuse to tell Lilian I love her when I don’t even what my true feelings are.”
The two stared at each other, the tension rising until, quite suddenly, Kotohime relaxed. The aura of dread surrounding her vanished like mist evaporating in the summer heat, and Kevin released a breath that he didn’t realize he’d been holding.
“Very well,” Kotohime said at last, “You’ve made your point, and at the very least, I can tell that you are being sincere, which is more than I can say for most people your age.”
If nothing else, she could take solace in the fact that Kevin was an earnest young man who wouldn’t take advantage of Lilian’s naiveté and innocence. It wasn’t much, but it was still something.
“However.” Her glare inexplicably sharpened, putting Kevin on edge. “Now that you’ve informed me about your feelings, let me tell you something. I do not know how much Lilian has told you about kitsune in general, but the people we mate with are very important to us.”
Kevin was nonplussed. “What do you mean?”
“I mean just what I said. To a kitsune, there is nothing more important than their mate.” Kotohime paused for a moment, thinking. “Being the long-lived supernatural creatures that we are, it is no surprise that a kitsune will have many mates throughout their lifetime. I know for a fact that Pnév̱ma-denka is over one-thousand years old, and that she has had mated many times.”
Kevin blinked as he tried to imagine a one-thousand-year-old woman with more boyfriends than Eric had eroge. He couldn’t, so he did his best to put such thoughts out of his mind.
Kotohime continued. “Despite how this makes kitsune seem promiscuous to other yōkai, the truth is that a kitsune always remains loyal to our mates--past, present and future. When a kitsune takes a mate, it is a vow far deeper than anything you humans have. In human culture, marriage is a sham that’s worth less than the paper it’s written on. When a kitsune takes a mate, it is a commitment to cherish, care for and love that person until such a time as both agree to part ways, or the mate dies of old age if they are of a less long-lived species, like humans. Yet, even after they have parted, when a kitsune’s mate is in trouble, regardless of whether they have not seen each other in months, years, decades or even centuries, he or she will drop everything they’re doing and go to their mate’s side to help.”
Kevin tried not to squirm at the heavy topic, but it was difficult, and Kotohime wasn’t making things any easier with how unruffled she appeared.
“That being said, you are even more special to Lilian-sama.” Kotohime made sure Kevin was paying rapt attention before continuing. “You are the first mate she has ever had. To a kitsune, no mate is more important than their first. You are quite literally the single most important person that she will ever have in her life. No one else will ever hold the place in her heart that you do; no one else will be even half as important to her as you are. Ever. From now until the day Lilian-sama dies, every single potential mate that comes along will be judged by the standards you set.”
Kevin felt as if his heart might stop. He was really that important? He meant that much to Lilian?
“I… I had no idea I meant so much to her,” he mumbled, gazing at the kitsune before him, his hands shaking as they were clenched into fists. “Why? Why would she choose someone like me to be her first mate?”
“I would like to know the same thing.” Kotohime’s passive stare made him feel insignificant. “As far as I can tell, you have very few good qualities that would make you worthy of being her mate. You’re a decent student, athletic, and you seem to be very independent, but a kitsune, especially one of Lilian-sama’s stature, needs more than that. She needs someone who can stand by her side and support her as an equal. As you are right now, you’re just a liability.”
Kevin flinched at the insult. His mind went back to the times they had been attacked. She had saved him from Chris and ended up getting thrashed by Kiara. He hadn’t been able to do anything for her either of those times. He’d been completely useless.
Is that what Kotohime is talking about?
“Unfortunately, there is very little I can do to make Lilian-sama see reason.” Kotohime’s eyes grew dark, and Kevin thought he saw her left one twitch. “Lilian-sama has already chosen you, so all I can do now is support her to the best of my abilities.”
“You say that you’re going to support her, yet all you’ve done so far is tell me how much you disapprove of her decision,” Kevin pointed out, surprised by his own audacity. This woman had a katana for god’s sake!
“That is because you are refusing to reciprocate her feelings.” Kotohime’s blunt statement made Kevin grimace. “Despite Lilian-sama making her intentions and feelings toward you quite clear, you have refused to accept her love and return it. That is why I do not approve of her decision to choose you as her mate.”
Kevin’s eyes narrowed slightly. “I already told you that I―”
“I am well aware of your feelings on the matter,” Kotohime interrupted, raising a hand to forestall any defense he might put up. “You have made it clear that you lack the worldly experience necessary to make an informed decision. Truth be told, I happen to agree.”
When Kevin blinked, Kotohime smiled at him; a genuine smile, not the mocking ones she’d given thus far.
“Unlike Lilian-sama, I am well aware of human culture, and I know that a fifteen-year-old boy knows little about matters of the heart. That is why I am willing to allow you the time necessary to sort out your feelings. Just be sure not to take too long in coming to a decision. The more time that passes, the longer you wait, the more your indecision will hurt Lilian-sama, and I will not stand for that. Are we clear?”
“… Yes.”
“I can’t hear you.”
“I said yes!”
“Good.”
As Kotohime walked away, Kevin clenched his eyes shut and grit his teeth, his mind plagued with conflicting emotions.
What am I supposed to do now?
***
Kevin entered the apartment, closing the door behind him, and then taking off his shoes and slouching against the doorframe.
Kotohime’s words had struck him more surely than a blaster bolt. They drove home all the points that he’d been blatantly ignoring, the same points that made him unsure of his own feelings.
Lilian’s love. Lilian’s devotion. They were so intense and unfiltered that it made him question his own feelings, doubt his own heart. Could he offer the same fidelity that Lilian had given him? He didn’t think so, especially since he was…
“Having an argument with your girlfriend’s maid?” His mom’s voice drifted over from the living room. Shaking his head, Kevin walked further into the apartment to see his mom sitting on the couch, left leg propped over her right knee, her posture slouched. How long had she been there?
“Lilian isn’t my girlfriend,” Kevin muttered.
&
nbsp; His mom grinned. “You mean yet. You can try and deny it all you want, but I know you like her. I can’t say I blame you. If I were ten years younger and had a dick, I’d tap that.”
Kevin buried his red face in his hands. “Oh gods, mom! Do you always have to be so vulgar?”
“Of course. As your mother, it is my right to embarrass you.”
“There’s no one here for you to embarrass me in front of, so stop it.”
His mom chuckled, just a bit. “All right, all right. I’ll stop.”
“Ha…” An annoyed sigh. “I can’t believe my mom acts like such a child.”
“Better than being a young man who acts like an old fart.”
“Whatever.”
“So, what were you and Kotohime arguing about?” his mom asked, patting the spot by her side. “Come on, sit down and tell me. I might be able to help.”
After a moment’s hesitation, Kevin took his mom up on her offer. He sat down and explained everything to her—minus the whole “supernatural kitsune wants to be my mate” thing.
“I’m not really sure what to do,” he finished explaining. “This isn’t some silly high school crush. Lilian truly loves me, like, the kind that ends in a committed relationship and not just a year or two of dating. She really wants to be with me for the rest of my—her life.”
“Oh, I know that.”
“You do?”
“Of course.” His mom’s grin was that of someone who’d just won the lottery. “I could see that she was smitten with you the moment I saw you two together. No women would ever look at someone with eyes like hers unless they truly loved that person.”
“Great. Thanks for making me feel better about this whole thing, Mom. Really.”
“Kevin.” Ms. Swift sighed at the obvious sarcasm lacing her son’s voice. “This isn’t something that anyone can help you with. In the end, you need to decide if what you’re feeling for Lilian is true love or simply lust. No one can possibly know what you’re feeling but you.”
“But how am I supposed to tell if I really love her?”
“Well, how do you feel when you’re with her?”
Kevin remained silent as he thought about what he felt for Lilian, and when he started speaking, it was tentatively, with each word being carefully measured before they were voiced. “Well, I… I feel sort of like I’m on a cloud. When I’m with Lilian, I sometimes feel like I’m living in this strange dream or fantasy, and that one day I’ll wake up and find out that she never existed.”
“That’s a start,” his mom urged. “What else?”
“I, well, my heart beats really fast whenever I’m with her. Like, it sometimes feels like it’s going to break my ribcage or something, and I always get this strange warmth, right here…” Kevin placed a hand over his chest and clutched the fabric of his shirt. “This is where it usually starts, but it will always spread to the rest of my body. And whenever I look at Lilian, I feel…”
“Like you could get lost in her eyes and smile?”
Kevin gave his mom an odd look. “Yes.”
His mom smiled at him. “I think you already know how you feel about Lilian. All you need to do is realize it yourself.”
Great, mom’s being cryptic. This is just what I need after my conversation with Kotohime. Not.
Kevin resisted a sigh. “But how can I do that?”
His mom shrugged. “I’m afraid that, too, is something that you will need to figure out on your own.”
Kevin rolled his eyes. “Gee, thanks for the help.”
“Anytime.”
“That was sarcasm, Mom. You were no help at all.”
“… Meanie.”
***
At the sound of the whistle going off, Kevin launched himself from his ready position into a full-on sprint. He gritted his teeth as he pushed his body to the brink. Air whistled in and out of his mouth and his heart raced like a Gundam traveling at terminal velocity during atmospheric reentry. Faster. Faster. His legs strained under the effort. 20 meters. 40 meters. 80 meters.
Finished.
“Time!” Coach Deretaine’s voice rang out across the field, as Kevin and Chase passed the 100 meter mark.
Kevin hunched over as he tried to catch his breath, which was much harder than usual. Oh, dear God. He felt like someone had dropped several tons of lead onto his legs.
“Swift!”
Kevin straightened, or he tried to. His exhaustion was such that he could only straighten about halfway.
His coach marched up to him with a bit of a scowl. Oh, boy. That could not mean anything good.
“Yes… sir…”
“It seems you’re having some trouble. That time was nowhere near as good as what you’ve been getting recently.” Coach Deretaine looked down at his stopwatch and the scowl grew. “Thirteen-point-sixty-five seconds. You normally get at least twelve-point-twenty-three seconds, and you’ve been doing even better than that recently. This is a ridiculously slow time, especially for you.”
“I’m sorry… sir…”
Coach Deretaine studied him like one might study a frog on a dissection table. Kevin blinked as his sweaty bangs fell over his eyes.
“You look tired. Is there something going on that I should know about?”
“No, sir,” Kevin shook his head, straightening up. Now that he’d gotten his second wind, he felt a little better. “I just haven’t been getting much sleep lately.”
“Insomnia?”
“Um, I suppose.”
Truth be told, he’d been up all last night thinking about his conversation with Kotohime. He still had trouble wrapping his mind around the fact that he was going to be the most important person in Lilian’s life, not just right now, but ever. Being told that he was such a central figure to someone was, well, he would like to say it was overwhelming, but that felt like a gross understatement.
It didn’t help that his feelings for Lilian were still conflicted. There was a part of him that wanted to accept her love and return it, but he didn’t know if he could actually do that. Kotohime had said that he was the most important person Lilian would ever have in her life. Could he offer that same level of devotion?
“… Swift…”
Kevin honestly didn’t know. Every time he thought about going with his feelings, he remembered Lindsay. He had thought he’d been in love with her, but when he’d confessed and been shot down, he’d barely felt a thing. The stinging pain he thought he would feel had been a mere pinprick.
“… listen… me…”
What if his feelings for Lilian were like that? He couldn’t accept her feelings if his own weren’t as strong as hers. That would only hurt her.
“Swift… Kev… Swift…”
Even the small conversation with his mom hadn’t helped. She didn’t know that Lilian wasn’t human, which was part of Kevin’s biggest dilemma. Unfortunately, he couldn’t very well tell his mother that Lilian was a kitsune.
“Swift… listen… me…”
He could just imagine how a conversation like that would play out.
“Hey, Mom! You remember how I told you that Lilian was deeply in love with me and wanted to marry me? Well, I kind of lied. You see, Lilian is actually a kitsune. You know, those fox people from my anime and manga? So, anyway, she’s a kitsune, and she wants me to be her mate and, well, since I’m her first, that means I would be the most important person in the entire world to her. That’s why I’m having such a hard time figuring out my feelings, you see?”
“… Kevin, have you been drinking cactus juice again?”
“I’m being serious here! Wait. What are you doing, Mom?”
“Calling the psychiatric ward. Hello? Yes, I’d like you to fix my son. It seems he’s come down with a bad case of Chūnibyō.”
Kevin shook his head. Not a good idea. There was absolutely no way he could tell his mom that. He didn’t want her to think he was crazy, or on drugs, or crazy and on drugs. That would just be unpleasant.
“Kevin Sw
ift! Listen to me when I’m talking to you!”
Kevin jumped and nearly fell on his backside when someone shouted in his face. He caught himself at the last second, and looked up to see the person shouting at him.
Coach Deretaine stared down at him. Was that concern in his coach’s eyes? Nah, couldn’t be. It was probably constipation or something.
“You really are out of it, aren’t you?” Kevin opened his mouth, but Coach Deretaine spoke before he could say anything. “Take the rest of the day off, Swift. It’s clear to me that you’re not at your best. Go home, get some sleep, and when you come back tomorrow, you had better be at one-hundred percent. Am I clear?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Good. Now get the hell out of here.”
As Coach Deretaine walked away, Kevin sighed and rubbed his eyes with his index finger and thumb. They were extremely sore.
It’s because I stayed up all night.
Curse that Kotohime for exacerbating his problems even more! As if dealing with Lilian’s feelings for him, while trying to figure out his feelings for her, wasn’t hard enough.
“Hey, Swift!”
Kevin nearly groaned when his rival walked up to him. “What do you want, Chase?”
Chase clicked his tongue at the bored response. “The hell’s wrong with you today?”
“Nothing.”
The expression Chase gave him just screamed “I don’t believe a damn word you just said.”
“Whatever, Swift.” The sarcasm in his voice was so thick that calling it sarcasm didn’t do it justice. “There’s obviously something bugging you. You look like someone ate you up and shit you back out.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“You’re welcome. But seriously, you look awful. Get some rest. It’s no fun running against you when I have such a blatant advantage.”
“… Right…”
Too tired to even retort, Kevin ambled off the field. He tossed a wave at Alex and Andrew, who were practicing their relay―oh, no. Wait. They were fighting again. Great. Eric wasn’t visible at the moment, but Kevin assumed that was just because the depraved high schooler was busy peeping on a girl or something.
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