by Matt Haig
‘So, here we are, Isabella. All three of you. The hat-trick.’
‘My name is Evie.’
Mortimer ignored her. ‘All I need now is that stupid little boy . . . But that can wait till tomorrow.’
‘Please,’ said Evie’s dad. ‘Do anything you want to me. But don’t hurt Evie. Don’t hurt Flora.’
Mortimer laughed. It was a wild laugh that filled the sky itself. ‘Oh, Mr Navarro. Santiago, if I may. You overestimate your importance. I am here for them. The ones with the Talent . . . Now, obviously, their Talent isn’t quite a match for mine. It never could be. But it would be very useful if we were all on the same team.’
Evie felt sick at the idea. ‘You killed my mum.’ Her voice trembled with anger. ‘I could never be on your team.’
Mortimer looked down at her, as the snake he was wearing slithered restlessly.
‘Your mother didn’t see the big picture. You see, she thought she was saving animals . . . But really, she was placing them in grave danger. Animals can’t protect themselves with humans around. It’s a losing battle. We’re the top of the food chain. Come on, Evie, think about it. Look at what we’ve done to the world. Look at how many miraculous species we humans have made extinct. The woolly mammoth. The dodo. The Tasmanian tiger. The black rhino. And literally thousands and thousands more. I’m not the only monster, Evie. We’re all monsters. And we’re getting worse. Climate change? Rising sea levels? Turning the ocean to acid and plastic? That’s not the fault of jellyfish, is it?’
Although her dad was trying to tell her to be quiet, Evie couldn’t help herself. ‘You worked for the loggers! The criminal loggers who were chopping down the Amazon. They paid you to kill my mother. Because she was trying to stop them.’
‘You need to see the bigger picture, Evie. Yes, I made a lot of money. But this means now I never have to work another day in my life. I can devote myself to good causes.’
Evie stepped forward in the hole, away from her dad, and winced with pain. She had hurt her ankle during the fall. The same ankle she had hurt at the zoo. But she had bigger things to think about.
‘Good causes? Like murder?’
‘No, like animal preservation. And there’s only one way to do that . . .’
‘How?’
‘Well, we get the animals to take over. I’ve been working on it for a long while. I’ve been trying to recruit people. People like you. People like your grandmother. And I must admit, it hasn’t been entirely successful so far. I even tried to recruit your mother, back in the day. Did you know that?’
‘So when people turn you down, you kill them?’
Even in the dark she could see Mortimer smirk as he leaned over the hole. ‘That’s quite a negative way of looking at it. But yes, essentially correct. I have to get rid of those that stand in the way of my vision. Because, well, it is a great vision. It is a vision of a better world.’
‘A better world?’ spat Evie in disgust.
‘Yes. One with the animals on top and the humans on the bottom. They just need guidance. My guidance. And maybe your guidance too. I understand from the lions at the zoo that you are able to connect with the dawa. That is good. Your Talent can grow. Maybe one day you could be like me . . . But in the meantime, I must be in charge. And you could help me. You see, it is a very big plan. The largest revolution in history. The animals taking over the humans. So that’s the choice. You’re either with me, or you’re against me.’ Mortimer checked his watch. ‘I have a busy night ahead. And then tomorrow, we could take over the world. Starting with this disgusting little town.’
‘I don’t want to take over the world. I just want to be free.’
Mortimer smiled. ‘It’s the same thing. Now, I’ll leave you to decide. Join me and live. Or . . . a little bite from my snake friend here. The choice is yours. Back in a while . . . Toodle-pip.’
And with that Mortimer, and his snake, disappeared.
‘And for a moment Evie heard nothing except the heavy beating of her heart.’
The Human Who Is Good
vie’s dad looked at her with wild, desperate eyes. ‘I don’t know what he is going to do with me. But you and Granny Flora can be free. All you have to do is agree to work for him.’
Evie looked at her phone, thinking she could call Ramesh. Or try the police again. But there was no signal. And none on her dad’s either. ‘But that’s not freedom,’ she said. ‘He wants to wage war on humans. He doesn’t care about animals. He cares about controlling them. He cares about power.’
Her dad nodded. ‘He’s going to kill people. That’s what he is going to do. Rumour had it that he once used a pack of jaguars to help him rob a bank in Brazil. The last thing he wants is to free animals; he wants to imprison them. They’re his slaves.’
Evie thought, as she looked up from the bottom of the hole at the night sky, ‘Well, I’m not going to be his slave.’
Then she noticed the dogs again. The dogs in the hole. The Labrador, the Rottweiler, the Alsatian and poor little Bibi. The dogs whose minds she hadn’t been able to read because they were under the control of Mortimer. They were now all lying on the ground, fast asleep.
‘They must be exhausted,’ Evie’s dad noted. ‘From all that digging. He probably told them to sleep only when they’d finished.’
Evie jumped up and tried to grab hold of a root that was sticking out of the side of the hole. But she lost her grip and fell back down.
‘There’s no way out that way. I’ve tried.’
Evie sat down, her head leaning against the dirt wall.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘You were right. We should have got out of Lofting when we had the chance.’
Her dad shrugged. ‘He’d have found us. He’d have made sure of it. It’s not your fault.’
Then Evie thought of Granny Flora. ‘Are you all right, Granny?’ she shouted out loud.
‘Oh yes,’ came a faraway voice, with a reassuring chuckle. ‘Never been better. Just tied to a tree in the middle of a forest.’
Then, to her dad, Evie whispered, ‘Maybe Granny Flora can use her Talent. Maybe she can turn the animals against him and onto our side. Maybe she could find a bird – a woodpecker – to peck through her rope.’
‘She’s good, Evie, but I don’t think she’s that good. He’ll have thought of that. And even if she got free, all the other animals up there – the dogs and horses and the deer and whatever else – they are his now. They act as one. They are all part of his mind.’ He pointed to the four sleeping dogs. ‘And most of them won’t be asleep.’
Evie let out a small growl of frustration as she tapped her head against the side of the hole.
But then she heard something. A thought.
‘Digging is fun,’ went the thought. ‘Digging is joy. Digging and hopping make worries fade away. Nothing beats digging and hopping. Down in the dark. Dig dig dig. Hop hop hop.’
Evie recognised the voice. The thought-voice.
‘Kahlo,’ she whispered.
‘What?’ asked her confused dad.
‘Nothing,’ she said. Then, with closed eyes, she tried to concentrate and send silent thought-messages.
‘Kahlo? Can you hear me? It’s me, Evie. The school girl who set you free from the hutch. Last year.’
Evie waited.
There was nothing at first . . .
And then: ‘Evie?’
‘Yes.’
‘I remember you. Of course I remember you! You were my liberator. The Human Who Is Good. I didn’t know you liked digging at night too?’
‘I, um, don’t.’
‘Night digging is the best! I didn’t know humans liked it, too . . . The freedom of going deep into something. Of somewhere un-dug. Knowing you are the first rabbit ever to be in that particular place. Wow. It’s the best life has to offer.’
‘Kahlo, listen. I wasn’t digging!’
‘Well, how are you down here, then?’
Evie explained what was happening. The thoughts burs
t out of her in one gush.
‘Oh my goodness,’ said Kahlo. ‘That doesn’t sound very good. I must remember to stay underground. He must have overlooked us. That’s the great thing about being a rabbit. Everyone always overlooks us.’
‘Now,’ thought Evie, ‘do you remember when I set you free? You said you’d repay the favour if ever I asked you?’
‘Uh-huh. Oh yes. I remember. Of course. I remember everything about that day. I have told everyone in the warren that story a hundred times. The whole colony thinks you’re a hero. The Human Who Is Good.’ Then Evie heard Kahlo speak to someone else. ‘Hey, Fury. Guess who’s in the neighbourhood? It’s the Human Who Is Good.’
Evie’s dad was looking at her suspiciously. ‘Evie, what are you doing? You’re not using the Talent, are you?’
‘Dad, if there was ever a time to use it, I think it is now, don’t you?’
Her dad couldn’t say much to that.
‘Wherever Mortimer’s gone, he’s going to be back soon. So we have to act fast, Dad.’
Then Evie switched her mind back to Kahlo. ‘Now,’ she said, ‘I have a plan. But I’m going to need you and all your friends to help . . .’
‘That’s fine.’
Evie tried to work something out. ‘Kahlo, how many rabbits are there in your colony?’
‘Forty-three,’ said Kahlo. ‘If you count Colin. But we could get the other colonies to help. That would make four hundred of us. The forgotten, the overlooked, the underground . . . All here at the service of the Human Who Is Good!’
The Plan
t was a simple plan, but the rabbits had to work fast.
Which was okay, because rabbits were the fastest and hardest and most tireless workers in the world when they put their minds to it.
The idea was that they dig a rabbit tunnel from the hole where Evie and her dad were trapped to the very edge of the forest. It had to be large enough for two humans to fit through. And it had to be far enough to get them beyond all the animals above ground that were awake and under his control. And so the rabbits got to work, doing what they did best. Digging and burrowing. Side by side, and even on top of each other.
The part of the plan that was a bit more complicated was the part about Granny Flora. They couldn’t leave Granny Flora tied to a tree, obviously. But also, Evie and her dad couldn’t help her while they were still stuck at the bottom of a hole.
So, Evie asked Kahlo if it was possible to make one part of the tunnel reach right below Granny Flora’s feet, so that Evie or her dad could pop up and untie the rope or cut it with the sharp stone that Evie’s dad had found and was now holding in his hands.
And, well, that’s exactly what happened.
The rabbits from five separate colonies joined forces, and they made fast progress. They worked out which tree Granny Flora was tied to, and once they had made it through, and made the tunnel big enough, Evie – who was smaller than her dad – was chosen to head out with the stone and cut the rope.
‘Oh my! Good work, buttercup!’ Granny Flora told Evie. ‘But be quick . . . Look!’
Evie looked.
Hundreds of cats and dogs and horses and a stag and guinea pigs and hamsters and a – a bull – were now all heading towards her, with the same blank zombified look on their faces.
Evie knew that the thing to do with bulls was to stay as still as possible, as bulls reacted to movement (not the colour red, as some people thought, because bulls are colour-blind).
Evie felt a cat jump and claw her leg. And then another, and another, and another, and another. She started shaking them off.
Then she saw a ginger tabby.
‘Marmalade? Marmalade!’ said Evie.
‘Must stop them!’ said Marmalade, scratching her leg. ‘Must kill them!’
‘Marmalade, snap out of it. You are being mind-controlled. You all are.’
A hamster bit her ankle. She tried to use the Talent. But it was no good. Every creature above ground seemed entirely at the service of Mortimer J Mortimer, and he must have instructed all of them to stop them from escaping.
It was the bull Evie was most worried about, though. It had studied exactly where they were, worked out the right angle, and now its dark silhouette was galloping fast towards her and Granny Flora, like a hulking shadow made of muscle.
‘I WILL DESTROY YOU!’ thundered the bull as it charged closer.
The Roots of the Tree
eeling desperate, Evie struggled with the rope, scraping it with the sharp stone as fast as she could until she cut Granny Flora free.
And then Granny Flora stood in front of the tree and stared at the bull, trying to break it out of its spell, but Evie could see there was no way. Mortimer’s control over the animals was too strong.
So she tackled Granny Flora into the rabbit hole.
‘Sorry, Granny,’ said Evie, as they landed in the steeply sloping muddy darkness. ‘I was just trying to keep you alive!’
‘That’s okay,’ said Granny Flora. ‘It’s only my knee. And I’m getting a new one in March. I’ve already booked the appointment!’
They felt scrapey branches on their heads.
‘What’s that?’ wondered Evie.
‘It’s the roots of the tree,’ said her dad. ‘It’s no longer fixed in the ground because of all the digging.’
And then . . .
They heard the bull charge with such a crunching WHACK into the tree that it became unrooted. A moment later and the tree landed with an earthquaking THUD.
The tree was now almost completely blocking the entrance to the rabbit hole. Only hamsters and mice were getting through.
‘Must kill!’ thought the mice.
‘Must stop them!’ said a pair of hamsters with their minds at once.
‘Must destroy!’ thought a guinea pig, nibbling furiously on Evie’s shoelace.
‘Quick!’ said Kahlo to the humans. ‘This way! Follow us.’
Some of the rabbits lagged behind to block the path of all the small furry creatures.
So the three humans, on their hands and knees, crawled through the earth. As they went, whole lines – whole squadrons – of rabbits burrowed in front of them in the dark, in semi-circles, their front paws working like crazy, spraying dirt between their back legs.
‘Oh my,’ said Granny Flora. ‘It’s darker than liquorice down here.’
They passed the occasional earthworm (‘Hey, be careful!’) and had to watch out for sharp bits of grit and stone. Also, it wasn’t very easy to breathe, so they kept their mouths tight shut.
It was hard to tell how long they burrowed but eventually the rabbits started to aim their tunnel upwards. And finally they glimpsed starlight, and felt grass, and smelled the cool air of the night. And freedom.
As Evie climbed out of the tunnel she communicated a few words telepathically. ‘Thank you, Kahlo. Thank you, everyone. You have been so helpful. I will never forget this. None of us will.’
‘Goodbye,’ said the rabbits, all at once. ‘We shall never forget this night we worked together for the Human Who Is Good.’
And the rabbits disappeared, heading back deep under the ground.
Evie helped Granny Flora and then her dad climb out of the tunnel. They all stepped out, spitting earth from their mouths. Evie’s dad brushed the dirt from his beard.
For a moment, it seemed as if they were safe.
The forest was behind them. And Evie’s primary school and the rest of Lofting was there in front of them. The whole town was still and quiet, as it always was at night.
‘What now?’ Evie wondered, shaking the dirt off her.
‘Well, I don’t think we should even try to go home,’ her dad suggested. ‘We should probably just get a taxi and get as far out of Lofting as possible. Before Mortimer comes back . . .’
Granny Flora seemed troubled. ‘No. Something is wrong. I can feel it.’
And then she saw it. Them.
They all did.
A procession of animals
heading over the farmland in the east. And they weren’t farm animals either.
Evie looked at her phone. There was a signal now and a text from Ramesh.
OMG – someone broke into the zoo! No joke. Repeat – no joke. THE ANIMALS ARE MISSING!!!!!!!!!!
The Apprentice
vie stared at the text.
There weren’t any emojis. Which showed how serious Ramesh found this news.
And looking away from her phone, even in the dark, Evie could see them getting closer and closer to her and her dad and Granny Flora and to the forest.
Animals of every size.
The tall necks of giraffes.
The stout bodies of elephants.
The heavy muscular shoulders of gorillas.
Maybe even some reptiles, slinking through the grass.
And there, front and centre, was Mortimer J Mortimer, flanked by the four lions. He was holding a child’s hand.
‘Oh no,’ said Evie’s dad. ‘He’s got the boy.’
‘Well, well, well,’ said Mortimer, raising a hand for the animals to halt as he and little Sam came closer. ‘I must say, I underestimated you.’
He began to clap slowly, as the snake adorning his neck raised its head. Evie noted the snake tattoo on his hand and absently wondered if it was the same creature.
‘So, I think this tells me everything I need to know about your decision,’ sighed Mortimer. ‘I must say, I’m disappointed. Very disappointed indeed.’
‘Hello, Evie!’ said Sam, smiling cheerfully, as if there was nothing at all weird about being a six-year-old boy standing in a forest at ten o’clock at night, surrounded by elephants and lions.
‘Hi Sam,’ said Evie, in a ghostly voice. ‘Where’s your mum?’
‘Oh, she’s asleep. But a cat told me to sneak out and meet Mr Mortimer! He’s going to help me talk to all the animals!’
‘I certainly am,’ smiled Mortimer. ‘You’re my apprentice now.’
‘App-ren-tice,’ said Sam, liking the sound of this new word.
‘You’ve got to stop this, Mortimer,’ hissed Granny Flora.