State of Grace

by Foster, Delia

  In the days following his exit from her life, the darkness was her salvation. She welcomed the fatigue that stressed her eyelids and the cadence of slow, steady breath as she drifted away from the confused hurt and pain that took residence in her heart the minute Sean strode out of her apartment.

  Even though she’d told him whatever they had wouldn’t work, even though the memory of his lips on the bartender gut her every time it flashed in her mind, a small flame of hope that he would call, text, or come by flickered until it died out after the first few weeks.

  After that, she didn’t even have that small sense of peace that came with sleep. He came to her in her dreams—vividly, sometimes replaying scenes where he’d made love to her or when they’d just sat in comfortable silence, him working on his laptop while she read a book. Occasionally, they were children again, fighting after she’d discovered he’d stuck gum in her hair or when she’d let out a small container of carefully collected fire ants into his sleeping bag during one of his overnight stays. The worst was when he’d come to her in her sleep and tenderly bully her into submission, telling her that he wasn’t going to listen to her, he wasn’t going to stay away anymore, and urgently kissing away her protest until it ended in climax.

  Those nights were the worst, when she’d wake up with wet tears seeping from her eyes, and the knowledge that it was just a fanciful dream. He wasn’t in her reality anymore.

  She worked harder to escape, working double shifts at the hospital and picking up as many extra ones as she could. She subsisted on coffee and energy bars to get herself through the endlessly brutal pace of seeing patients, running tests, and paperwork.

  “You can’t do this forever, you know.” The voice came from the doorway of the staff break room.

  Her head snapped up from the magazine article she’d been unsuccessfully trying to read, and she met the soft, assessing gaze of her sister-in-law.

  She swallowed a stream of hot coffee from the paper cup she’d set down just a few minutes earlier, wishing it was something of the alcoholic variety.

  “You’re not supposed to be here, Soph,” she said tonelessly, looking back down at the magazine in her hands.

  Sophie maneuvered her way through the round tables in the room before settling into a chair at the table where she sat. She pursed her lips and set her bag on the tabletop. “Leah let me in. She’s worried about you, too.”

  At a loss for what to say, she kept silent. She hadn’t seen her brother or his wife since that night at the bar. They’d both called and tried to come by, but how was she supposed to face them after what she’d done? After ruining a lifelong friendship between two men who were closer than blood brothers?

  “Grace, are you upset with me?” Sophie asked. Even though her tone was soft, there was a hint of steel behind her sister-in-law’s words.

  She raised glistening eyes and tried to speak through the sudden lump in her throat. “No,” she whispered.

  “Are you upset with your brother?”

  She shook her head.

  “So why the disappearing act? We were going out of our minds with worry, and I’ve never seen Lucas like this. Even your mom has barely heard from you.”

  She expelled a shaky breath. “I don’t know what to say,” she replied truthfully.

  “Let’s start with why you’re avoiding us. Then we can move onto Sean.”

  At the mere mention of his name, she visibly flinched, but she tried to rally on. She might never see Sean again, and the very thought of it stole the breath from her being, but she couldn’t avoid her family forever.

  “I’m so so unbelievably sorry I hurt him. I knew it was wrong from the beginning. Something happened at the wedding, and then I just couldn’t stay away. I—he—” her voice broke, and she swiped furiously at the tears streaming silently down her cheeks. She tried to draw in deep breaths, the only sound that permeated through the heavy, thick silence until Sophie spoke quietly.

  “Just what did you do that was so wrong, Grace?”

  She shut her eyes against the humiliation and shame that swamped her, and her head fell into her hands. “I hurt my brother. I knew it would be bad if he ever found out and I did it anyway. I ruined their friendship.”

  “That’s the reason you’re avoiding us?” Sophie’s question wasn’t as much an inquiry as a statement.

  “Yes,” she whispered, head still bent in her hands, hating herself for the weak tremor traveling through her voice.

  “Do you love Sean?”

  The storm of emotion that waged within her stilled for a moment as she raised her eyes to a steady stare. Sophie sat, perfectly poised without a hair out of place and an unwavering glint in her eyes.

  “What?”

  “Grace, you are a smart, intelligent—no, actually brilliant woman. Your brother babies you, but I’m not going to. You heard my question. Answer.”

  “No,” she denied, shaking her head from side to side. Nervously, she tucked a stray tendril that escaped her ponytail behind her ear.

  She was met with an amused arch of a perfectly shaped brow.

  “Really?”

  “Really,” she confirmed. It was a lie, but all she could do was hope she spoke and thought it often enough that it became the truth.

  Sophie grabbed her coffee, taking a sip before grimacing. “I can’t believe they feed you guys this swill,” she muttered as she set the cup down. Grace pushed her bottle of water towards her. She smiled gratefully and swigged from the water.

  “Grace,” she started slowly, “why do you feel you have to lie about it?”

  Feeling like a deer caught in the headlights, she jumped when the alarm on her phone buzzed, signaling that her break would end soon. “I only have five minutes left,” she said desperately. “And I’m not lying.” She pushed her chair back and stood up, moving the magazine back to the rack and gathering up her things.

  “You know the easiest way to tell when someone is lying to you?” Sophie asked conversationally.

  Shit. Sophie’s work as an attorney meant she could call bullshit on the best of the best. A strangled sound escaped her throat as her Sophie continued on without waiting for her to answer.

  “It’s when you ask someone a question and their head moves in the opposite direction of what they’re saying. It’s almost like the body denying the words that come out of the mouth.”

  She swallowed nervously.

  “When I asked you if you loved Sean, you said ‘no,’ but first you nodded the tiniest bit, and you dropped eye contact with me before the word left your mouth.”

  Grace stopped trying to busy herself and stilled, closing her eyes. The disappointment she felt for hurting her brother paled in comparison to the emptiness that pulsed where her heart used to be. Talking about Sean and loving him had ripped an emotional gash that physically hurt. When she opened her eyes again, Sophie was standing in front of her.

  “I know you have to go, but I need you – no, we need you to understand that you did not disappoint or hurt anyone. I’m not going to lie, this is tough on Lucas, but baby girl, he could never be ashamed of or resent you.” Sophie’s voice grew tight. “Your brother is so proud of you, honey, and he would do anything for you, even get over this. He probably could have found out about it in a better way, but if you love Sean, which I know you do, and if he loves you back, which I strongly suspect he does, then you deserve to be happy.” Her hand reached out and brushed against Grace’s face tenderly, before pushing back the stubborn tendril that had escaped yet again.

  “You have it wrong, Soph. He doesn’t love me,” she said hoarsely.

  The corner of Sophie’s mouth lifted slightly. “Grace, I know I was surprised at the bar that night, but you’re a fool if you don’t see this from a mile away. When we talked, all I wanted for you to do was tell your brother, not leave Sean. You have to see the way he looks at you. That night? What you thought you saw? Sean was trying to protect you. Lucas had been worried about you, and for some stupid reas
on, thought Sean provoking you would help . I love him, but my husband can be an idiot. Lucas thought he’d be able to tell if something serious was wrong depending on how you reacted to Sean but then, when he saw you two arguing, he figured it out. He figured it out Grace, and he pushed Sean into doing a body shot with a bartender even though Sean didn’t want to do it. Do you hear me? Sean didn’t want to do it, but he did because he knew Lucas was suspicious, and he was testing him.”

  Sophie’s words sank and Grace gave a little moan of despair. “No,” she whispered, but her sister-in-law barraged on.

  “And … honestly, Grace, you don’t think that every reservation, every qualm that you had about getting involved with Sean because of your brother, he had, too? Sean isn’t a saint, but even he isn’t that big of a manwhore. Do you really think that he would take that big of a risk with Lucas’s friendship if there wasn’t something more there? If you were just a hook-up or an easy lay?”

  Sophie’s words slowly penetrated the thick armor she’d tried to keep erected since before the first night he’d ever even touched her, but she stubbornly held to her denial. “I don’t know,” she muttered dumbly.

  A soft hand patted her on the cheek sympathetically. “Those were rhetorical questions for you, sweetie. But they’re things you need to figure out.”

  She’d barely had time to absorb Sophie’s “rhetorical questions” before this last bomb dropped. Shock reverberated through her spine at the news.

  “Oh—and don’t you dare forget, dinner at my house with me and your brother on Saturday night. I already know you’re not working then, and if you don’t show, I will track you down, and you won’t like it when I find you.”

  And on that parting threat, her sister-in-law swept up her bag and exited the room.

  Chapter Ten

  It was unbearably hot. She stripped off the cover-up and slathered on sunblock for what felt like the millionth time. The aloe-infused lotion helped soothe some of the heat as she rubbed it into her skin, absently musing that there was a time she wouldn’t have been caught dead in a bathing suit with a cover-up, much less one without.

  She would never be completely secure in her body, but despite everything that had happened with Sean, he’d touched her in more ways than one. He’d loved the curves she so desperately tried to hide. He proved it to her time and again, not just by how he touched her when they’d had sex, but the blatant appreciation in his eyes, even that night they’d all gone out to dinner. She would never be thin like Sophie or petite like Leah, but for the first time in her life, she felt herself embracing her hips, her thighs, even the curve of her tummy. She would always be grateful to him for unknowingly helping her accept—and even begin to like—her body

  She would just need to work on getting over the huge lump in her throat every time she thought about him.

  And now, she was even at a pool party in the Hamptons.

  Progress. Even if you’re at a work thing.

  One of the doctors had offered his summer house up for the annual employee picnic. It felt less like a house and more like an estate, but she was glad Leah had bullied her into going.

  She heard a shrill wolf whistle, and her head instinctively swerved in its direction.

  Nolan was making his way towards her. She groaned inwardly and desperately tried to make eye contact with Leah. Busy in the pool, playing battle of the sexes water volleyball, her friend laughed and shrieked as water splashed, and the sunlight glinted off her blond hair.

  No help there.

  “Grace.” He settled into the lounge chair next to hers.

  “Nolan.” This was the last time she ever sat by herself, she thought sourly, as she looked at the empty lounge chair on her other side. Better to be surrounded by strangers than be wide open for the enemy to come sweeping in.

  “Surprised you came. Need help with that lotion?”

  “Why are you surprised?” She asked the question, finished lathering, and purposefully twisted the cap on the bottle shut, silently answering his second question.

  He smirked. “I dunno. Doesn’t seem like your scene. Pool, bikinis, you know.”

  “No, I don’t know,” she said, unhappy with hearing the bitchy tone in her voice, but helpless to do anything about it. “Why don’t you explain?”

  He sat silently for a moment. It was clear he hadn’t prepared for her to push back on him. If he wasn’t such a douche, she would have probably found him cute, at the very least. He was tall, obviously kept his body in good shape, with sandy blonde hair and all-American good looks. He reminded her of the boys in high school with lettermen jackets – the ones that ignored her in the hallways and cafeteria, but slyly copied off her answers during tests.

  She tried to push away the uncomfortable memories of feeling inferior. She’d worked hard to be where she was. The Nolans of the world would always exist, at every age.

  At least now she knew how to handle them.

  “You know,” she began quietly, “one minute you’re hitting on me, and then you insult me. Not in a cute way, but in a way you have to know will get to me. So, I’m going to set the record straight, and we’re going to put a stop to this. I’m not interested in you, Nolan. I don’t want to have sex with you, my words are not code for anything else, and I’m not playing hard to get. I just don’t like you, and the more you come at me like this, the more I dislike you. I want you to just leave me alone.”

  “You think you’re so much better than everyone else.” She hadn’t been expecting a good reaction, but the look on this face took her by surprise. His mouth twisted in an ugly snarl. “You’re just a bitch, Grace. A lonely, fat bitch who has to be a bitch just so she can make everyone else around her as miserable as she is.”

  For a moment, she was stunned. His words were untrue and ugly, but they cut her to the quick nonetheless. Was that really what people thought of her?

  She opened her mouth to respond, but someone else cut in and beat her to it.

  “Is there a problem here?”

  She didn’t think it was possible for Nolan’s face to look any more vicious, but it was. “No problem here, Nurse Jack, I was just leaving. The bitch is all yours.”

  He started to get up, but was violently jerked to his feet as her rescuer twisted his arm behind his back.

  “Nolan, you need to apologize to the lady, now.”

  She started to flush as heads began to turn in their direction. “It’s okay—”

  “Not okay. Apologize.” The other man’s voice was hard and unforgiving.

  “Let go of me, asshole,” Nolan shouted, face reddening.

  “Two words, Nolan,” her Viking rescuer taunted.

  She wasn’t sure if she should laugh or hide her face in shame. They had definitely drawn an audience and people were unabashedly staring. Even Leah managed to scrape herself out of the pool, and flounced over in a teeny, tiny red bikini. Her mouth hung slightly open as she looked from the Viking to Nolan to Grace and back to the Viking.

  “I’m sorry,” Nolan grit out.

  Grace’s eyes were wide open, but she managed to breathe a soft “thank you.” It wasn’t really clear to anyone if she was thanking the Viking for leaping to her defense or Nolan for his apology.

  The Viking flashed a bright, even smile as he let Nolan go. “That wasn’t so hard, now, was it?” he asked agreeably, settling into the lounge chair Nolan recently vacated. Without comment, Nolan turned around and began to shove his way through the crowd that had gathered.

  “Oh, Nolan?” the Viking called out.

  Nolan didn’t turn around, but he paused.

  The Viking spoke loudly, but he didn’t yell. “Better to be a damned good nurse than a shitty doctor.”

  Grace coughed as she quickly tried to smother a laugh. The rest of the crowd wasn’t as considerate, as several broke into laughter.

  The Viking winked at her and extended a long, muscular arm, holding his hand out. “Jack Stanford,” he introduced himself, eyes twinkling.


  She grinned at him as she shook his hand. “Grace.” She paused for a moment, looking at him thoughtfully. “You know, I totally could have handled that.”

  “I know,” he said easily. “But no one likes that douchebag. It was kinda fun to twist his arm. Don’t know if you’ve got the muscle to pull that off,” he smiled charmingly and winked at her again.

  There was something easy and so laid-back about him; it was almost as if he was inviting her to share in his own private joke. Even though what he’d said to her really wasn’t that funny, she couldn’t help but laugh with him. Ever since ‘the incident,’ (as Leah referred to it). it had been hard to smile without faking it. Leah had done her best to pull her out of her shell, but she found it hard not to think about him or the time she’d spent with him.

  The way he made her laugh.

  The way one minute he made her want to hug him, and in the next, deck him.

  The way he made her ache for his touch.

  Grace had spent a lot of time thinking about Sean and what had happened. She’d given him more of her than she’d given to anyone else. It burned when she thought about it, it felt all-consuming.

  Strangely enough (or maybe not so strangely), it was Leah who’d helped to ease some of that pressure.

  It happened two weeks after ‘the incident.’ Both women sat in a trendy wine bar, Grace sullenly staring at her half empty glass before Leah burst out, “I can’t take it anymore!”

  She raised a brow and turned a questioning look towards her.

  “Don’t do that thing with your eyebrow either! It won’t make what I have to say any less important,” Leah said heatedly, wagging her finger in Grace’s face.

  She bit her lip in amusement. She’d discovered in their short friendship, that spending time with Leah was never boring. Maybe infuriating, amusing, hair-raising … but never boring. She tried to lower her brow to a more demure level before nodding towards the blonde, motioning for her to continue.