His eyes hooded over as he peered at me over the newspaper he held at arm’s length. “Excuse me?”
Mom burst out laughing and covered her mouth. “Your father? Go for a run?”
“What’s so funny about that?” I asked.
Father shook his head. “It’s not funny at all. Because it’s not happening.”
I tapped my fingers on the table. “Why not? Are you scared?”
“Absolutely not.”
Mom did a lousy job of stifling another giggle.
“Incapable, perhaps?” I suggested.
He didn’t lift his eyes from the newspaper. “Nicola, that’s below the belt and it’s not true.”
“If you don’t want to spend time with me, that’s fine. You’ve probably got something better to do. There must be lots of things that are much more important than…” I lowered the newspaper, “…bonding with your daughter.”
Silence. I leaned back and waited. Let him stew.
I was determined to do something today and it wouldn’t kill him to join in.
After a few moments, Mom said, “She has a point. You’ve been saying we don’t spend enough time together. Here’s your big chance.”
“This is ridiculous,” he said. “None of us should go. You shouldn’t go either. You should be resting.”
“Nonsense,” Mom replied. “I’ve got another appointment tomorrow. I’ll rest when the doctor tells me to.”
This was the first I’d heard of doctor’s appointments.
“Fine,” Father said. “You’ve railroaded me into this silly run, but not until I’ve finished my coffee and read the paper.”
Mom smiled. I did too.
She left well before we did thanks to Father’s dithering and procrastination. The two of us arrived at the park in time, registered and paid a small fee. Seconds later, the starting gun went off near the banners at the front while we were at the back of the crowd. Which was where we stayed.
I couldn’t believe my superiors had assigned a parent to me who was so unfit. Where had they found this man? In fact, I found it hard to believe that someone who appeared to be in reasonable shape simply couldn’t run. So we walked.
We passed a woman with a baby in a stroller, holding the hand of a toddler who stumbled alongside her. At least there was someone slower than us.
“You can go on ahead,” Dad said.
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” I replied.
I’d imagined ‘getting into the zone’ as I did whenever I exercised, particularly with longer events. I loved the feeling when your body takes over and you keep going, regardless of exhaustion or pain or anything else.
That wasn’t the feeling I was getting now.
A skinny white-haired man in running shorts overtook us. I put his age at around a hundred. This was getting embarrassing.
“Don’t worry about him.” Dad put his arm around me and gave my shoulder a squeeze as we walked. “He’s on his own. He’s missing out on all this bonding.”
I upped my pace a little. “I wouldn’t miss out on this for the world.”
Strangely, I wasn’t sure if I meant it or not. Entering the fun run was a walk in the park, literally, compared with the training I’d done under Lucien’s guidance in New Nation. He’d put me through grueling endurance exercises that tested me physically and mentally. Discussed military strategies with me. Pushed me further than I thought possible.
Lucien had been like a father to me, or I thought he had. But the relationship hadn’t been like this. He’d never spent time with me simply for the sake of it.
Which left me wondering how I could even contemplate letting Lucien down when I owed him everything.
Tomorrow I’d be the loser. Tomorrow didn’t bear thinking about. But today I was part of something.
“You don’t have to hang around with your mother and me all day, you know,” Dad said. “We won’t mind if you want to go out with your friends.”
“No, I can do that next weekend.”
Or not. Or never, in fact.
What did it matter? Did anything matter?
After a while, Dad said, “Your mom really appreciates the way you’re supporting her work today. It means a lot to her.”
Was that what I was doing? I hadn’t looked at it that way. Hadn’t given a thought to how it might appear from her point of view.
We spent the rest of the fun run – or ‘walk’, as it had become – planning dinner and the movies we’d watch together that evening and, most importantly, the junk food. In New Nation, we had chocolate and snacks and treats, but not the variety.
At home that night, the three of us watched a new action movie that had just come out. I’d seen it before, but couldn’t let on so I pretended to be blown away by the fight scenes and impressed by the computer-generated images. To tell the truth, the CGI was impressive, though I still found it astounding that someone would put so much time and money into something so frivolous when there were so many other uses for the technology.
I sat at one end of the sofa, my parents at the other. After a huge scene with car chases, explosions, fireballs and buildings blowing up, the movie finished and Mom looked at me.
“I meant to tell you how glad I was that you told me about what happened with the Everills.” I didn’t say anything so she added, “Do you know when I got in touch with them, that man denied ever even knowing you?”
“Really?” Though it shouldn’t matter, it made me bristle.
“He’s in complete denial. It’s truly bizarre.”
I grabbed the remote, dropped it and fumbled around before picking it up. “Forget about them. We’ve got one more movie to watch.”
Dad glanced at his watch. “I don’t know if we have time for a second movie. It’s getting late and you have school tomorrow, Nicola.”
School tomorrow…
Not for me. A pang shot through my gut. I was leaving. For me, there was no tomorrow, not in Altabena.
I had to make this moment – these final moments – last. I didn’t want to go to sleep, not now, not ever. I wanted things to stay exactly as they were.
And I sure as hell didn’t want to wake up. I needed a diversion. Needed to keep myself occupied.
I scrolled through the list of movies on the screen until I found the one I wanted. “We sat through your action thriller. Now you can watch this with us.”
“It’s not the movie I mind.” As he spoke, the soft tones of romantic backing music to the film’s opening credits filled the air. Turning to Mom, he added, “It’ll be way past her bedtime before the movie finishes.”
She laughed. “Bedtime? Come on, she’s not nine years old any more.”
Had I ever been nine years old?
What had happened to my childhood?
“Two against one.” Dad looked at me. “You win.”
“What was it like back then?” I asked. “When I was young.”
Mom leaned forward to catch my eye. “In some ways it was easier. You were happy to tag along with us wherever we went. We’d take you to the park or the pool or the movies and everything was still a big adventure. We took pleasure in the little things like pushing you on the swing or throwing a ball around with you. You’ve grown up since then.”
“Was it better before?”
“Not better, just different. Don’t get me wrong, you were a gorgeous kid and a lot of fun, but we wouldn’t want you to stay that way forever. Life gets more complex. It’s just the way it is.”
A lump swelled in my throat. I swallowed.
The question I shouldn’t ask:
“Would it be easier if I wasn’t here?”
“Are you kidding? That’d kill us. I had a lot of trouble getting pregnant, a couple of miscarriages, then various medical treatments, and it was all worth it. If we hadn’t had you, our lives would be so boring. I don’t want to even think what life would be like without you. You give us so much pleasure just by breathing.”
“It might be quieter,” Dad
said loudly.
“We were having a serious conversation,” Mom said.
He pointed to the television. “I thought we were watching this romantic comedy, the one you two insisted on.”
“Okay, we can watch the movie.”
I stared at the screen while the words rang through my head. I gave them so much pleasure just by breathing.
This was terrible, worse than I could ever have imagined.
One thing I knew for sure. The authorities wouldn’t bother removing the chips from my parents’ brains after I’d gone. It was difficult to bring items back from the past, especially if their return hadn’t already been programmed. Besides, my superior officers wouldn’t give a shit about Jan and Philip Gray. No way.
So what would happen to my parents tomorrow morning when they woke up and I wasn’t here? Would I just go ‘missing’ and they’d lose their daughter forever? They’d be devastated. Their lives would go on but they’d never recover, not fully, maybe not even partially. They’d hold that grief in their hearts every day of their lives.
What was the quote my English teacher had come up with? ’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
No, it wasn’t true. It was a lie.
It’d be better for my parents if they’d never met me, never known me, never loved me. Then they wouldn’t have to go through the pain of losing me.
I’d come here, infiltrated their lives, and hadn’t given them a second thought. They deserved better, much better than I’d given them.
So what kind of person did that make me?
The pain in my gut rose to my chest, and my throat tightened again. I glanced at Mom and Dad, slid across the sofa and threw an arm around each of them.
I’m not going to be here tomorrow.
I swallowed.
Tomorrow, they’re going to kill me.
As a soldier, I’d thought about death but it had never been like this. It had never been so close. Never felt so real. I’d never really believed it would happen.
And I’d never had so much to lose.
I held on to my parents. Eventually I let them go. Because I had to.
Dad pretended to look offended. “What was that?”
“A hug break,” I said.
He couldn’t keep the smile from his face. “It’s been a while since we’ve had one of those. It’s nice to know there’s a human being there inside our teenager.”
Mom motioned to the television. “We’ll get into trouble again if we don’t watch the movie.”
I settled back onto my side of the sofa, staring at the screen mindlessly. That was what the authorities wanted me to be – mindless and obedient. It was what I’d been when I’d landed here.
But I wasn’t that person any more.
And I couldn’t stay.
There was no way for me to change the time travel program. My time was up and there was nothing I could do.
My superior officers should never have sent me. I should never have found Ben and friends and family. Or this place with freedom and choice and promise greater than anything I’d imagined. It wasn’t fair to give this to me then take it all away.
Damn it, I liked it here. And I should never have let myself get so comfortable.
My eyelids were heavy, drooping shut.
Stay awake.
So drowsy. It must be the stress that was doing this to me. My blinks became longer and heavier.
Stay awake.
There was no avoiding it.
Sleep…
Tomorrow…
Chapter Twenty
Large hands on my shoulders shook me awake. “The mission…you didn’t succeed.”
Of course. The mission was the only thing that mattered.
My eyes flickered open and I tried to focus. The face before me was familiar and should have given me comfort. Instead I felt only dread. And that was all right. It was my emotion, one I was allowed to have, though not one I would share.
Don’t give yourself away.
I leaned forward, my head dropping into my hands.
Get a grip. Get control.
It didn’t matter that I was still groggy and dazed from the trip. It made no difference that it felt like I’d been ripped apart limb from limb and put back together. I had to take stock of the situation, get my act together and work out how on earth to handle this.
Earth, that’s where I was, a different Earth.
I lowered my hands into my lap. “Lucien.”
“It’s me,” he said. “It’s okay. Take your time.”
Nothing was okay.
I took it all in: a concrete floor, blackened ceiling, white walls, a large mirror with two-way glass. The only furniture was the leather chair in which I was sitting. The arms bore the imprints of hands having gripped them with small moon-shaped cuts as if from fingernails, mine perhaps, though I couldn’t remember. How strange to have traveled through time and have no recollection of the journey.
Captain Lucien Everett rubbed my bare shoulder. I was naked, exposed in a way I’d never been before. An unpleasant shiver went up my spine.
There was nowhere for me to hide, no way out, no alternative except to face the music.
Lucien’s touch gave me little reassurance, not with what I had to tell him. His smile didn’t quite reach his eyes, though his expression was concerned and fatherly.
Deep lines bracketed his mouth and his brow was furrowed with crevices from worry. It wasn’t possible he’d aged that much since I’d last seen him. Had I been brought back to a different time? His skin was olive like his army uniform so he appeared to be a monotone of color. He always kept his head immaculately shaved, except now his scalp was covered with a soft fuzz of brown hair, his chin with a thicker stubble.
“You didn’t shave,” I said. “That’s not like you.”
That smile again, the one that didn’t reach his eyes. “Don’t worry about me.”
“Do you have my clothes?”
“Of course.”
He bent over, picked up my neatly folded uniform and handed it to me. Lucien offered me his arm but I shook my head and stood on my own. My legs were stronger than I thought, my body in good shape. It was my mind that was letting me down. Where I’d had direction before, now there was only disaster.
I’d let everyone down.
Lucien’s eyes were on me as I put on my uniform. Nudity had never been an issue for me yet somehow a fifty-year-old man watching a teenage female get dressed didn’t feel right.
There were other eyes on me, too.
I motioned to the mirror. “They’re out there, aren’t they?”
“Yes.”
“We should join them.”
There was no point trying to evade my superior officers when they were on the other side of the glass and could see and hear everything. Better to face them.
Lucien opened the door, ushering me out and around the corner to the room where the men waited. I couldn’t help but look through the window into the area where I’d just been, now empty except for the chair.
I shook hands with the two men waiting for me. General Willis was tall with red hair and a ruddy complexion while General Tan was of Chinese background and not much bigger than me, except in terms of authority.
It was Lucien who’d first introduced me to them, Lucien who’d said I was the perfect soldier for the mission, Lucien who’d briefed me. These men didn’t mean as much to me as he did.
He and I sat on one side of a rectangular table, the two generals on the other.
“Nicola, you didn’t succeed,” Lucien said.
“Is this still the year 2120?” I asked.
“Yes,” he replied.
“And I’ve been away two and a half months?”
He nodded.
That was the way it worked with the time travel program. While I’d spent two and a half months in Altabena, the same amount of time had also passed in New Nation. If they’d set the program for a ten-year visit, on my r
eturn I’d be ten years older and so would everyone here.
General Tan leaned forward, his eyes narrowing. “You failed.”
“The mission wasn’t straightforward,” I said. “I had trouble locating the target. Then, even after I found him, he kept eluding me. I couldn’t get to him within the time frame.”
How easily the lies rolled off my tongue. What kind of person had I become? What kind of soldier?
“Tell us everything,” General Tan instructed.
So I told them about life in Altabena, how the school system worked, how society was structured around families, how people voiced their complaints about the government and how they protested. I stuck to the facts without voicing any opinions.
I was a soldier. I didn’t have opinions. I obeyed orders. That was what I wanted them to think.
I cleared my throat. “I have evidence of protests and the political situation back then.”
General Willis put his hand out. “Give me your PR device.”
Panic ripped through me. The device also contained data on Ben, information I didn’t want them to have, only I hadn’t thought of this earlier, and now it’d only look suspicious if I didn’t give them what they wanted. I rolled back my sleeve, peeled off the device and slid it onto the table in front of me. I’d have to find some other way of getting the device back later.
I looked at the two faces in front of me. “Generals, if you don’t mind my saying so, you don’t seem surprised that the people of Altabena acted this way, though it’s contrary to our historical records.”
The general pointed to my PR device. “You’ve got evidence?”
“Yes,” I said. “Photographs, records, newspaper articles, all the information you need.”
He nodded. “Good.”
Was it?
I’d been shocked to go back in time and discover the people disapproved of the government, perhaps even despised it, but the generals weren’t surprised.
They knew.
They knew everything.
And they hadn’t told me. Hadn’t even given me an inkling. Just sent me on my merry way despite the risks involved. Meanwhile I’d taken the greatest risk of all in not completing my mission.
So this was what it was like to have nothing left to lose. It made me braver.
Infiltration (Infiltration Book 1) Page 13