David was by my side in two strides and stopped me. In a panic, I tried to free myself of his vise like grip. But I didn’t stand a chance.
“Let me go!” I gasped.
“You have to try to calm down.”
“I don’t have to do anything!” Furious, I turned to Uncle Matthias and Uncle Justus. “You’re both sick!”
“Elisa.” David pulled me closer to him and held me.
But I couldn’t be consoled. I screamed at Uncle Matthias, “First, I was run off the road by Aunt Helen, and now you’re telling me that you’re my father!” My voice cracked. I heard a rushing sound in my ears and felt the blood draining from my head. I slumped into David.
He caught me and maneuvered me to the sofa by the door. The soft, old leather sagged beneath me, and I closed my eyes, desperately trying to block out what Uncle Matthias had just said.
Uncle Justus and Uncle Matthias approached each other and began speaking quietly. But I couldn’t understand a word; I still wasn’t capable of grasping any of it. My heartbeat gradually slowed down and the dizziness went away.
David sat down next to me on the sofa, cupped my chin in his hand, and turned my head toward him. His face hadn’t looked so sad since my father’s funeral.
“Do you want me to continue? Do you want something to drink?”
I shook my head. “Thank you, I don’t need anything.” What I needed were a few damn good explanations. I felt lied to and betrayed by everyone.
Uncle Matthias pulled a chair up to the couch and sat down.
“Do you want me to tell you the rest?”
“Yes, I don’t think I can possibly be any more shocked than I already am.”
“All right, then. After that disastrous night that your mother and I spent together, Arndt was standing at the front door the next morning, full of remorse. Eager to make amends for his idiotic behavior the night before, he had arrived with a long-stem rose in one hand and a little black velvet box in the other.”
I stared at him, confused.
“It was exactly what Hannah had always wanted.” Uncle Matthias smiled wistfully. “She accepted my brother’s marriage proposal, and Hannah and I swore never to breathe a word about what had happened.”
“And he never found out?”
“No.” Uncle Matthias lowered his eyes in embarrassment. “Because I couldn’t look him in the eye the next morning, I decided at the last minute to go visit a college friend, who was working in Paris at the time.”
“And that’s when you met Aunt Helen?” I speculated.
“Exactly. I stood behind her in a long line at the Louvre. It was love at first sight.” He shrugged and continued. “When Helen and David moved back to Düsseldorf with me, everything was perfect. The practice gradually became more successful, and Arndt and Hannah were happier than ever.”
“What happened when my mother found out she was pregnant?”
“At the time, we both denied that the child could be mine. To admit such a thing would have ruined everything, especially given how extremely jealous Helen was back then.”
“But how did she eventually find out?”
Uncle Matthias looked at me, baffled. “Haven’t you ever wondered why you don’t have any siblings?”
I had to admit that I hadn’t ever given the question much thought. Lukas and Kristina and I had always been so close that I hadn’t really missed a sibling. Confused, I shook my head. “No, but what does that have to do with it?”
“When you came into the world, your parents absolutely wanted another child. But they were unsuccessful for several years. Because it was clear that there was no trouble with your mother, your father finally had tests done.”
I already guessed what came next. “And it turned out he couldn’t have children.”
“Exactly. You can’t even imagine what it was like here.” He ran his hands over his face and looked at me wearily. “Arndt put so much pressure on Hannah that she finally came out with the truth. As soon as Hannah uttered my name, his world collapsed.”
Uncle Justus sat on the arm of the sofa and tried to cheer me up: “But in his mind, you were and remained his child, and nothing or no one could change that.”
I glared up at him. “So he told you that, did he?”
He shrugged. “It’s hard to keep secrets from me.”
Uncle Matthias glanced at him in such a way that I almost had to laugh, despite how tragic and painful this all was. Uncle Justus was always good for a surprise.
“In any case, of course we couldn’t keep this wicked scandal from Helen.”
I could hardly begin to imagine my aunt’s reaction. “And then what happened?” I asked anxiously. Though I was still shocked by the news that Uncle Matthias was my real father, I desperately wanted to know how Aunt Helen had turned into the person who had run me off the road a few hours ago.
“She turned into a different person, one who occasionally suffered from psychosis.”
Uncle Justus flinched at the word.
Uncle Matthias nodded. “Unfortunately, it’s true. Helen had always been the jealous type, but from that point on, she flew into a blind rage if I so much as chatted with another woman.”
“She saw Hannah as a threat, because she, too, was the mother of Matthias’s child. When Arndt died, she completely flipped out.” Uncle Justus looked at me apologetically.
I suddenly understood the horrible scene that had played out in this very room after my father’s funeral—my mother yelling like a madwoman that the past would come back to haunt her and she’d be punished. She considered the death of her husband to be her punishment for her infidelity.
“Helen seemed to fear that Matthias would want to go back to Hannah now that his brother was dead,” Uncle Justus explained further.
“Which is why she desperately wanted us to leave Düsseldorf,” I said.
“Exactly,” Matthias said, crossing his arms over his chest. “When you and your mother moved to Berlin, she gradually got better, but Justus and I thought it would be for the best if he were to move in with us.”
Uncle Justus nodded. “It seemed like everything was taking a turn for the better, but then Matthias was suddenly taken off to the hospital with his heart attack. Helen’s separation anxiety reappeared worse than before.”
“And then I showed up,” I added sourly. “Looking just like my mother with my new haircut.”
Uncle Matthias nodded. “We didn’t know how she’d react, but it seems that she became delusional and really believed at times that you were Hannah. On the one hand, she was afraid that Hannah wanted to take her husband away, and on the other, she wanted to prevent you from finding out the truth.”
David coughed. “When she saw me kiss Elisa in the garden, she went totally ballistic on me. She insulted me in ways that I don’t care to repeat, but now it makes perfect sense.”
Uncle Matthias broke in, “In any case, Justus and I never knew Helen was in such bad shape. You must believe us, Elisa.”
I nodded hesitantly.
“I’m truly sorry I was so dismissive of you,” Uncle Justus said, sounding sincere. “You noticed right away that something was amiss. Then when I saw you wearing Hannah’s favorite dress, I knew that Helen would snap.”
“Now I understand why you reacted the way you did.” I smacked my forehead. “Why didn’t you warn me?”
“It would only have raised questions, and we wanted to avoid that at all costs,” Uncle Matthias said, his face twisted with regret.
“You were never going to tell me, right?”
“No.” Matthias’s voice sounded brittle. “You’re Arndt’s daughter. In every respect.” It was clear that he was thinking about his brother.
“And now comes the part that you might not understand.” Uncle Justus’s voice was cool again. “We will neither report Helen
to the police nor commit her. She wouldn’t be able to cope with it.”
“But . . .”
“No, Elisa,” Matthias said, agreeing with his brother-in-law. “You weren’t here earlier, when Helen came up with the plan to kill you. She was completely out of her mind, threatening to do something to you. Lukas and Kristina were terrified . . . I don’t know . . .” He broke off.
“We will get her the very best psychiatrist and ensure that she can be treated here,” Uncle Justus continued.
I had no idea what to say. I was utterly overwhelmed.
We sat in silence for a moment, each of us lost in our own thoughts. Matthias looked exhausted, and I worried about his heart. So much stress might bring on another heart attack. The one who had really surprised me was Uncle Justus. I never would have expected so much insight and sympathy from him. David sat next to me, seemingly turned to stone. This shed new light on his belief that he had always been an outsider. The reason for so many group photos of Lukas, Kristina, and me needed no explanation.
And what did I feel? I felt as though I’d been riding a roller coaster all day; I felt dizzy from the pain but intoxicated by the truth.
Because Matthias and Uncle Justus still had a few things to discuss, David and I left the room and tiptoed down the hall. David stopped in front of the guest room and looked like he was about to come in with me.
“I’m sorry,” I said sadly. “I have to sleep alone right now. So much has happened . . .” Nothing else came out. I couldn’t find the words for what I felt.
David nodded, took a step toward me, and gave me a quick kiss. “You know where to find me when you need me.” He waited until I had disappeared into my room, then I heard the dull sound of his footsteps moving away.
I shut the door behind me, let the wool blanket drop on the floor, and lay down on the bed.
But sleep eluded me. Images, words, and scraps of conversations swirled in my head. Over and over, I saw my father in front of me.
Why hadn’t they told me? The more I thought about it, the wilder the images dancing before my eyes became. I would wrack my brain over this question another time. I was too exhausted to think clearly. I knew only one thing with bitter certainty: I would never forget this day for as long as I lived.
Because only the days that change everything—the ones that call our lives into question and push us beyond our limits—remain in our memories.
Tuesday
I left my uncle’s house in the afternoon the same way I had arrived a few days before: on foot, my giant travel bag slung over my shoulder. I’d turned down Lukas’s offer to drive me to the station, because I didn’t mind the walk and still needed some time to think.
When I got to the gate, I stopped and turned around. The mansion towered majestically, and I saw the bergamot bushes swaying in the wind on the office balcony. Just as I had internalized the scent as a childhood memory, it was now irrevocably connected to the moment that Matthias informed me that he was my father.
The last few days had not only been difficult but had also almost cost me my life—but I had learned a few things about myself in the process. I was enriched and changed. The possibility of what could have been would probably follow me into old age, but I regretted nothing and I wouldn’t trade my life with anyone. I couldn’t help but wonder what it would have been like if Matthias had told me earlier that he was my biological father. What would my childhood have been like? Would I be a different person today?
Parting ways with Lukas and Kristina had been sad, but strange too. Even though we had always felt like siblings, it was a bit macabre to learn that they were my half siblings. Maybe that explained the strong bond that had always connected us.
I hadn’t seen David since the night before. He had to take his mother to the psychiatrist that Dr. Beck recommended, which I didn’t take very well. But I was a bit relieved not to have to face him again. I didn’t want to ask him to choose between his sick mother and me.
And I couldn’t stay here. I wouldn’t know a minute’s peace; I would always be wracking my brain about how things might have turned out. I thought that if I could just develop a healthy distance from this fateful week, I could explain everything to David more rationally. I had left him a message—which was admittedly rather cowardly—but I didn’t have the energy for a full-blown conversation.
After all that had happened over the last few days, I had to accept that we could never make a go of it together. What would we tell people when they asked how we met? If we told the truth, people would run for the hills. Our muddled family background and the events of the past few days were the stuff of novels and plays—not the foundation of a relationship.
Our love could only end in catastrophe. But if I knew anything with any certainty, it was that I would never shake my feelings for David. He would forever be in my heart.
But I refused to tolerate any more painful thoughts about him. It seemed that we were simply not meant to be together. Maybe we could try our luck again some time in the future. In another life, perhaps.
I had promised Matthias—I could no longer very well call him Uncle—that I’d get in touch in a couple of days. First, I had to ask my mother a few really unpleasant questions that couldn’t be addressed over the phone. And I urgently needed some distance from Düsseldorf.
But even if I were to travel to the ends of the earth, I knew it wouldn’t bring me peace. I would only imagine that all the questions would be answered and that I could make my peace with the truth that turned my life upside down.
Would I have been better off never learning the truth? Or was the painful truth the measure of all things? Was it morally acceptable to lie in order to protect the people you loved? I thought of Aunt Helen. Regardless of everything she had done to me, I felt sorry for her. What must have gone through her head? How could it have come to that? I hoped that she would find peace.
Sighing, I shoved my hand in the pocket of my jeans. As I rubbed my fingertips on my lucky coin, I smiled. Who knew how everything might have ended if I hadn’t had it with me during my accident? I would never give it away again.
I hadn’t gone far when I noticed a car drive up to me at a crawl. I turned around, irritated.
The car stopped.
My heart skipped a beat when I recognized David in his scuffed convertible. Though his eyes were hidden by his sunglasses, he wore a cynical smile.
“I happen to be driving to Berlin. Do you want to come?”
“Ah, happen to be?”
David shrugged. “No, not really. I’ve been planning it for six years, but I never had the nerve to go before.”
Growing curious, I walked up to the car. “Why?”
He took off his sunglasses and looked at me timidly. “Because you have the annoying habit of running away from me whenever I try to get close to you.”
“I never flee without cause.”
“Stop talking and get in.”
I grinned and opened the passenger-side door. I threw my travel bag on the backseat and slid into the seat.
David smiled at me and took off.
About the Author
Much like the protagonist of her novel, Florentine Roth loves photography and lives in the beautiful Rhenish metropolis of Düsseldorf. Shuttered Life is her debut novel.
About the Translator
Jennifer Marquart is a literary translator from the German. Her previous publications include the translation of a book of experimental short stories titled Two or Three Years Later: Forty-Nine Digressions by Ror Wolf.
She received her BA in German and a Certificate in Literary Translation from the University of Rochester. Marquart also took language classes in Berlin and attended the University of Cologne, where she continued her studies and taught as a part of a fellowship.
She currently continues to translate while working as a bookseller at the Old Forge Har
dware bookstore in the Adirondacks.
Shuttered Life Page 15