Bittersweet Hope

by Ryann Jansen

  “Do you want to talk about it?” She asked, her cherubic face gentle.

  I paused. Anna was so nice. But it didn’t feel like the time to bring out all my dirty laundry. I didn’t know if there ever would be a time, but my first day here was definitely not it.

  “No.” I hoped she wasn’t offended. Hurting her feelings was the last thing I wanted to do.

  “And that’s perfectly okay, Audrey. If you’re ever ready, I’m here.” She smiled and walked back to the oven.

  Caleb came down the stairs before I had much more time to think about it. We sat at the table, and Anna brought the casserole over, a steaming pile of cheese and marinara sauce with pepperoni decorating the top. It looked like it would add about ten pounds to my hips, but I didn’t care. I was starving. My hips were non-existent, anyway. That tended to be the case when you didn’t have a whole lot to eat most of the time.

  “There’s a party at the old Milstead place, Mom,” Caleb was saying as he dug his fork into his food, “just some of the guys from the team and their girlfriends. Is it okay if I go?”

  I pushed my casserole around my plate. There was no way I’d be able to finish the heap she’d given me. I was so used to eating just a little bit at a time, my stomach was already protesting anything more. I wondered what my sisters were eating tonight. Even though I wouldn’t be able to eat everything I’d been given, it was better than delicious. I prayed they had the same luxury.

  “Sure honey.” Anna replied, smiling at Caleb. “Hey, why don’t you take Audrey with you? It would probably be nice for her to get out and get to know some people. Then maybe her first day of school won’t be so intimidating.”

  Anna clasped her hands in front of her chest, delighted with her idea. She must not have noticed the horror on my face or the blank look her son was giving her. I didn’t want to go out and meet people. I wanted to go to bed and pretend the last few days hadn’t happened.

  “I don’t know, Mom. She probably doesn’t want to go.” Caleb didn’t meet my eyes. In a flash my annoyance at his mother’s suggestion was gone, replaced by the need to prove him wrong. For some reason I wanted to make him uncomfortable. Maybe because he made me feel that way.

  “Oh I don’t know. I’ve never really had the chance to go to a lot of parties. It might be fun.” I grinned at him.

  “Perfect!” Anna smiled at both of us, and I thought her cheeks would touch her hair line.

  Caleb gazed at me for a second, then shrugged his shoulders. Maybe it hadn’t annoyed him as much as I thought it would. Damn it. Now I was stuck, and there was really nothing I’d like to do less than go to some party where I didn’t know but one person, and even that one I’d only just met.

  “Let me just go and change clothes.” I said when I finished my dinner a few minutes later. “It won’t take me long.” Caleb nodded, his eyes following me as I went up the stairs.

  I chose a pair of jeans and a pretty floral top, and put them on quickly, heading back down to the kitchen when I was done.

  I bit my lip as I turned to Anna. “What about calling my sisters?” In my haste, it had completely slipped my mind.

  Anna frowned. “You know, I thought about that a while ago, and what do you think about waiting until tomorrow? You know, give you all a little chance to get settled in.”

  Part of me wanted to object, but she was probably right. Besides, I didn’t want to make myself upset right before I went to this party. It wasn’t like I was going to have a good time anyway, but there was no sense in making it worse.

  “That sounds like a good idea.” I told her. I looked at Caleb, who was leaning in the doorway, keys in hand. “I’m ready.” I said.

  “Okay. Hey, Mom, okay if I take your car? Mine’s out of gas and you know the stores around here close at like eight. We’ll probably never make it all the way out there and back.”

  Anna had walked into the living room and settled herself into a leather recliner, a magazine in her hand. “Sure. Be careful.”

  “We will.” Caleb headed to the door.

  “Bye, Anna.” I hesitated before following him, no longer very sure about wanting to leave the house.

  “Have fun.” Anna said, focusing on the article she was reading.

  I nodded, more to myself, and went out to meet Caleb, who sat in Anna’s gold SUV. We didn’t talk as we drove through the winding country roads, and the silence was unnerving. I had nothing to do with my hands. I tried to keep them still in my lap, but every time I remembered I caught myself fidgeting. I stole a glance at Caleb. It was a dark night, barely any stars, and there were no streetlights out this far. The only thing I could see was the outline of his jaw, strong and squared. His muscular arm stretched across the steering wheel, lazily taking us in whatever direction it was that we were going. I fidgeted even more. This was so not a good idea.

  Finally, we reached a huge wood and stone house sitting on Sandy Lake. Pine trees rose up from behind it, and light and music spilled out the front.

  “Small party, huh?” I asked, surveying the cars parked around us. There must have been twenty or thirty.

  Caleb shrugged. “No need to worry her more than necessary.” He studied me for a minute. “You sure you want to do this?”

  I jutted my lower lip out. “Why wouldn’t I?”

  He lifted his shoulders. “I don’t know, I just figured it might be a little too much for you.” He paused. “Mom told me what you’ve been through.”

  He’d figured right. It was too much. I sighed.

  “It will help not to think about things, and that’s what I’d be doing if I sat up in my room by myself all night. Don’t worry, you won’t have to baby-sit me or anything.”

  “Do they know who did it? To your mom, I mean?”

  I looked up at him, surprised he had asked. It was something I’d thought about too, but nobody had mentioned really trying to find out why Mama had been killed. Oh, I was sure the police department was looking into it, but I didn’t know anything about the investigation. It seemed so farfetched to actually catch anyone. It could be anybody.

  “No.” I told him. I looked him the eyes. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”

  He nodded. “Okay. You sure you want to go in?” He asked again.

  “Yes.”

  “Here we go, then.” Caleb said, as he pushed his door open. I did the same, and then steeled myself as we headed inside.

  Chapter Five

  In the house, people my age milled around everywhere, plastic cups in hand. Some danced to the country music that blared out of unseen speakers. There was a group throwing darts, and they had a picture of an older man taped over the face of the dartboard. Caleb, who was walking in front of me, turned around.

  “Look. Most of my friends will probably be down in the basement shooting pool. You can come down there with me if you want to. But if you don’t want to, you’ll know where to find me. Okay?” He raised his eyebrows.

  I just nodded, words failing me at the moment. I couldn’t for the life of me think what I was going to do with myself, but hanging around Caleb didn’t seem like the ideal situation. I didn’t want him to think I was some huge loser. He stared at me for another second, so I tried to put my best brave face on. Finally, he headed in the direction of the music. It wasn’t long before he disappeared from sight altogether.

  I glanced around. Not a single face looked familiar. Some people met my eyes, but when they realized they didn’t know me, they looked away, disinterested. I spotted what looked like a door leading outside, so I went toward it. Maybe fresh air would make the annoying dizzy feeling in my head go away.

  When I stepped out onto the back porch, there was a keg directly in front of me. For a second I thought about grabbing a cup and getting a drink from it. I’d never drank before. I hadn’t wanted to turn out like Mama, and alcohol had seemed like the place to start. But right now, in a place where I felt lonely and vulnerable, two feelings I was not familiar with and did not like in th
e least, it seemed like a good way to ease my discomfort.

  I took one step toward the metal cooler before stopping. No. No no no no no. I would not be like her. I would never be like her. I’d made it this far without having to rely on that as a crutch, and I certainly wasn’t going to start now.

  Settling into a lawn chair, I decided to just watch. As I sat, surrounded by people who couldn’t care less about who I was, I noticed the smell of a thick, musty cologne wafting toward me from some unknown guy in the crowd. I wrinkled my nose, the hair on the back of my neck involuntarily standing up. I knew that smell. I just couldn’t remember how. Scanning the faces, nobody stood out as the least bit familiar. Hmmm. Maybe one of Mama’s johns used to wear it. In any case, I hoped it would go away soon. It was sort of making me feel sick.

  After about an hour of people watching, my eyes were growing heavy. I’d just closed them when the sound of a loud crash startled me, and I literally jumped out of the chair I was sitting in.

  Somebody, no doubt drunk out of his mind, had knocked the now empty keg of the table. As the guys around him started howling with laughter, I stood. Now seemed like a pretty good time to get out of here. I just wanted to find Caleb, and maybe get the keys to Anna’s car. I would like it better if I could just sit by myself until he was ready to go.

  As I made my way through the throng of people, trying to get back inside so I could find the basement, something out of the corner of my eye caught my attention. A familiar figure, with a head full of hair the same chocolate color as mine, rushed past me. Sadie?

  I whipped around, searching the room. I was almost positive I’d seen my sister. But now, as I looked through the sea of faces all around me, she wasn’t anywhere to be found. I wanted to call out her name, to see if she responded, but somebody might think I was crazy.

  Maybe I imagined it. I was still feeling sort of loopy from falling half asleep. Sadie wasn’t here. She couldn’t be.

  I took a deep breath and finished making my way through the house until finally finding the stairs to the basement. Caleb was there, right where he said he’d be, shooting pool with three other guys, and it appeared to be his turn. He noticed me immediately and raised his eyebrows. I nodded, knowing somehow that he was asking if I was ready to go.

  He slipped the pool stick through his fingers and it connected with the eight ball, knocking it into one of the corner pockets. One of the guys, who I could only assume was Caleb’s partner, stomped his foot.

  “What the hell, man?” He snapped. “We were winning!”

  Caleb lifted his broad shoulders in an easy shrug. “Sorry.” A grin crossed his face, but I didn’t think anyone else saw it. “That’s it for me tonight, guys. I think I’m gonna head to the house.”

  His pool partner cursed under his breath and the other two guys nodded their good-byes to Caleb. He headed over to where I was standing.

  “You didn’t really have to leave.” I told him. “I was just going to get the keys and sit in the car until you were ready.”

  He shook his head. “Nah, it’s alright. Judd’s a crappy partner anyway.”

  “No good at pool?”

  “Sore loser.”

  “Oh.”

  Caleb smiled at me, and the blood running through my veins seemed to speed up and slow down at the same time.

  “Ready?” He asked.

  I nodded, thankful to be going home. Or to Anna’s. Or home. I didn’t know how to title it, but I was glad I was going back.

  Chapter Six

  The next morning, I found Anna in her bedroom, using a pretty rose colored yarn to crochet what looked like a scarf. I tapped on her door, not really wanting to bother her. I couldn’t bear another moment going by without knowing how Sierra and Sadie were doing, though.

  “Hey, Anna? Can I call my sisters now?” I hadn’t been able to think about anything else since I got home last night. My skin still prickled when I thought about the girl at the party. She’d seemed so much like Sadie, and I hadn’t even gotten a good look at her. It was just a feeling, a sensation that I knew my sister had been close to me, and I couldn’t shake it off.

  “Hi, Audrey.” She smiled warmly at me. “Sure. I’ll go get the numbers.” She put her work aside and we walked down the stairs and into the living room. Anna took the phone numbers from a folder on the roll-top desk, and I settled into the oversized leather couch, my pulse feeling like it was going to explode before Anna came back to sit in the chair beside me. It had only been one day, but I missed Sadie and Sierra so much it was almost as if I were feeling physical pain.

  “Here they are. Just let me speak to the adults first, and then we’ll go from there.” Anna sat in her recliner and pulled out her phone.

  I nodded, chewing on the inside of my cheek. I wished I could just call them myself. But Anna had told me earlier the other foster parents would expect some ground rules set up first. That was what Mrs. Anderson had said.

  Anna dialed the first number on her cell, and it seemed like it took ten forevers for somebody to answer. I thought about the moment Sadie got dropped off. There had been a girl on the porch with her parents, not much younger than me maybe. She’d been dressed all in black, with her face painted white, and even had on dark black lipstick. She’d stuck in my mind, because I’d hoped she wouldn’t cause trouble for Sadie. Now, she moved front and center as I tried to imagine what my sister had done all day yesterday.

  “Mrs. Gable?” Anna finally said, bringing me out of my thoughts.

  Mrs. Gable. That was Sadie’s foster mother. I remembered Mrs. Anderson saying the name when we pulled up in front of the brick house. My knuckles turned white from clutching my hands together so hard. I tried to loosen them, but it was like I’d lost all control over myself. They wouldn’t budge.

  Anna looked at me and winked. “Mrs. Gable, this is Anna Whitley. Audrey is with me, Sadie’s sister? We were wondering if she might be able to speak with Sadie this morning.”

  Inhaling deeply, I watched as Anna picked at her fingernails, reminding me of Sierra. Her forehead and nose wrinkled as she listened. She glanced at me, then looked away.

  I let out my breath. Well that didn’t look good. My palms were sweating as I started twisting them together. Calm down, Audrey. She’s only been on the phone, for like, a second.

  “I see. You don’t think for even a few minutes—?” Anna paused, allowing me to hear the murmurs of Mrs. Gable’s voice. “I understand.” Anna said. “Thank you, Mrs. Gable. Yes, we’ll give her a call in a couple of days.”

  Anna pressed her French manicured fingernail on the end button and placed the phone on the end table beside her.

  “She said no?” My insides were all tangled up as questions roared inside my head. Why couldn’t I talk to my sister? What were they doing to her?

  “She said not today, Audrey.”

  My heart rate didn’t slow. “Why?”

  “I suppose Mrs. Gable has kept lots of foster children. It’s not like here—you’re the first one we’ve taken in. She said Sadie isn’t adjusting well and it would be best for her not to speak to you for a few days, until she gets used to things. She said it happens a lot, and it just helps to wait.”

  My ears buzzed and I felt dizzy. Sadie wasn’t adjusting well? What the hell did that mean? My head throbbed, a migraine the size of Texas forming behind my eyes. I rubbed at my temples, trying to make it go away.

  “I don’t understand. What’s wrong with my sister?”

  Feeling too frantic to sit, I stood and paced around the living room.

  “I’m not sure. I assume she’s still very upset.”

  “I’m upset too! We were all upset. But if this wacko woman is saying Sadie isn’t doing well does it mean she’s holed up in some room crying her eyes out or something? Why can’t I talk to her? I can calm her down, I can make her feel better—.”

  Anna stood. “Everything will be fine. Just give it a little bit of time. You’ll see her at school next week. Mrs. Anderson
told me the three of you would all be enrolled in Thorne County.”

  Not even the fact that the three of us would be at the same school after all could make me feel better. My mind spun, every scenario imaginable playing out. Sadie crying. Screaming. Not eating. Stuck in some room miserable and hurting. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

  “What about Sierra? Can I talk to her?” I looked at Anna, searching her eyes, which were downcast now.

  She bit her lip. “I don’t know. We can call and ask.” I could tell she was trying to sound hopeful but it wasn’t working very well.

  I nodded, dragging my feet back to the couch to sit down. Clasping my hands together, I looked at her. “Okay. Let’s call.”

  Her face was pale. She was probably scared Sierra’s foster family would say the same thing and I would freak out again. I felt terrible for being the person to put that look on Anna’s kind face. As my heart rate steadied it dawned on me how awful I’d just acted, and I wanted to kick myself. It made me feel like such a horrible brat.

  “I’m sorry, Anna. It isn’t your fault. You’ve been real nice to me.” I tried to force myself to smile, but it felt like it came out looking lopsided.

  Anna nodded. As bad as I felt for being rude to her, it felt worse not to be able to speak to Sadie. I waited, my nerves clawing at my insides and attaching like leeches, while Anna picked up the phone and dialed the next number.

  “Hello, Mrs. Morton?” Anna asked when a voice came on the other end of the line. “My name is Anna Whitley. I have Sierra’s sister Audrey at my house, and we were wondering if the girls might be able to talk.” Her eyes lowered as she waited.

  After a second, Anna’s face brightened. She smiled. “Yes, thank you. I’ll hand Audrey the phone.”

  She grinned at me and passed me her cell. I raised my eyebrows and when she nodded I snatched the device from her hands much harder than I’d intended. Damn it. Watch yourself, Audrey.

  “Hello?” I said into the phone. “Hello, Sierra?”