Bittersweet Hope

by Ryann Jansen

  “Mama?”I whispered, even though it was obviously her in front of me. “Where am I?”I started to feel panicked. Was I dead?

  “You’re just dreaming.” A tight smile appeared on her face. “Otherwise you probably wouldn’t want to talk to me. I’ve gotten myself into sort of a mess it seems. I suppose I’ve gotten all of us into a mess.”

  I stared at the floor, or, where the floor should be if I could see it through the murky air. There was part of me yearning to tell her it wasn’t her fault, to try and make her feel better. It wouldn’t help. She knew it was her fault. I knew it too, and I’d coddled her my whole life. Even when it had needed to be the other way around. There wasn’t really any point in doing it now.

  “I’m sorry, Audrey.” She said. Her voice, usually flat and emotionless, sounded genuine.

  “It’s—it’s okay.” I said, not able to find any other words.

  “No. It’s not. Look at what I’ve created. I’m dead. You and your sisters were torn away from each other, and Sadie’s dangerously close to the edge. And now you—you’re stuck with a fucking lunatic. And every bit of it is my fault.”

  I let out a strangled whimper. “I suppose it might not be too long before I join you.” Wherever it was she’d gone to.

  My mother’s head snapped up. “No. You’re not going anywhere. You’re going to get out of this, Audrey, and go back to that boy you love.”

  She was trying to make me feel better. She had to be, because I couldn’t see a single way for me to get away from Zach. Even if he left me alone long enough for me to try and run, with the hole in my leg I couldn’t go any faster than a turtle. It would be impossible, and maybe even get me killed faster than he intended.

  My mind wandered to Caleb. The boy I love, she’d said. How did she know? I didn’t even know if it was truly love. It felt like it was, but such a huge part of me was still skeptical of love that blossomed so fast.

  “Can you fall in love with somebody so quickly?” I murmured, more to myself than to her.

  My mother laughed, a joyous sound I hadn’t gotten to hear enough growing up. “People do it all the time. You can fall in love anytime, Audrey. When it hits you, you just know. No matter how young or old you are, no matter any circumstances, really. All that matters is how you feel.”

  I shook my head. “No, that doesn’t matter. Because Zach is never going to let me go. I’ll never see Caleb again. I’m going to die here.” The words choked on the way out.

  My mother looked up at me, her eyes shining. “You are not going to die here. I told you. You’re going back to that boy you love. You’re going to live a full, happy life and not be like me. None of you will. You’ll make it, all three of you. You’ll see.”

  “But Sadie hates me. She doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

  “She doesn’t hate you. You’re her sister. She’s just lost, and confused. She’s just a child. You’re all children. I didn’t do my job with you, but you all turned out fantastic anyway. I didn’t realize how lucky I was.”

  Regret washed over me. Regret on my mother’s behalf and mine. I would never know her really, only the memories of the things she’d put me through. But deep down, I’d always known she loved me. She was just like how she described Sadie—lost.

  “I love you, Mama.” Only a wisp of my voice came out of me, but she heard it.

  “I love you, too. Take care of yourself. You need to believe in you, Audrey. Love your sisters, be there when they need a friend, but above all else make sure you love yourself. Now go--go back. I have to stay here. But don’t you worry about me. You’ve done enough of that. I’m going to be just fine.”

  “Mama?” She was starting to fade, I couldn’t make out her face clearly anymore. “Mama?”

  The haze disappeared around me, my feet left the floor and I floated, unsure of where I was going, but knowing I could trust Mama this time. I would be okay.

  ...

  “Rocky Creek Police! Open the door!”

  Thunder raged in my brain as I pushed myself up on the dingy mattress. In the front of the cabin, fists beat on the wooden door, and the voice of an elderly man shouted.

  “Zach Cochran, we know you’re in there! Open the door now!”

  I was groggy, but the voice made something in my head ping. As the man yelled again, I recognized the earthy raggedness. It was Officer Cane! I scrambled to get my bearings, shoving my feet underneath my legs and crouching on the bed on my knees. My pulse was going ninety to nothing, my heart bursting with excitement. They’d found me. I had no idea how, but they’d found me.

  Zach ran into the room, slamming the door shut. He looked at me and sneered.

  “If I go down, you’re going down with me.”

  He reached out and grabbed me by the hair, pulling me to my feet. He didn’t have his gun. I didn’t know what he’d done with it, or maybe he hadn’t had time to grab it. I was just thankful it wasn’t in the room, because that meant a better chance of me getting out alive.

  “Cochran!” Officer Cane yelled again. A second later I heard a loud crash, and I knew they’d kicked the door open. The sound of footsteps walking quickly and carefully was like music to my ears. My chest heaved up and down. Zach still held me by the hair. It was then that I saw the knife in his pocket. I couldn’t see it very well, but it looked dull and dirty, like something he would use to clean a deer he’d killed.

  I closed my eyes. He would never let me go once they came in here. There had to be a way to get out of his grasp, to try and get out of the line of fire.

  My mind shot to my mother, what she’d said in my dream. I would make it out of here. I would get to see Caleb, and Sierra and Sadie. I closed my eyes and wished for it to be true. I didn’t know how the hell it would happen, but I wished harder than I had ever wished for anything before.

  “You’ll never make it out of here alive, Audrey. Say goodnight.” Zach whispered in my ear, as if he were able to read my thoughts. He put his hand on the handled of the knife.

  “Yes I will. Let me go, Zach, and they might let you live. Otherwise they’re going to blow your fucking head off.” I said the words through clenched teeth, rage seeping into them. I didn’t care now if I made him mad. This was the line, there was no going back. I was crossing it ready or not.

  He pulled the weapon from his pocket and held it to my neck. “Maybe I should just kill you now and save them the trouble of dying when they try to rescue you. I have killed before, you know. It’s not so hard.”

  My mother flashed through my mind again. She’d had problems. But I didn’t hate her anymore. Maybe she had done the best she could. Even if she hadn’t, my life didn’t have to be a reflection of hers. Just because I’d started out in this world with nothing, didn’t mean I had to finish that way. There were plenty of years ahead of me. I could go to school, have a career, have my own husband and children. The thought gave me even more strength.

  “Yeah, and I hope you burn in hell for it you son of a bitch.” I told Zach, wincing as the door was kicked open and Zach held the point of the knife a little harder against my skin.

  My eyes closed tight and I imagine everyone I loved in that second, their faces running like a movie through my mind.

  “Audrey!” Officer Cane’s voice washed over me.

  I looked up to see his kind face, a mask of worry and fright. He eyed Zach carefully.

  “Let her go. Let her go and we can talk about this.”

  I saw a wrinkle in Officer Cane’s forehead twitch, and I knew he hated trying to reason with Zach.

  “Not a chance, old man.” Zach laughed and shook his head. “If I’m going down, she’s not getting away. And by the looks of it,” he nodded toward the other uniformed cops just outside the doorway, “I’m going down.”

  Office Cane glanced behind him and then lowered the gun he had pointed at us. “Son, if you give her up and don’t hurt her, nobody is going to hurt you either.”

  “I ain’t talking about me getting
hurt. I’m talking about going to jail. You think I want to go to jail, old man?”

  “Would you rather be dead?” Officer Cane’s tone was even as he lifted the weapon back up.

  Zach paused. “Yes.” He said, shrugging his shoulders. He tightened his grip on me, and I braced myself for the pain. Guess Mama hadn’t been right after all.

  A shot rang out, and all of a sudden Zach’s arm wasn’t around me anymore. I immediately hit the ground. When I finally looked up, I saw Officer Wilder, crouched at the bottom of the door just behind his partner’s left leg. He’d shot Zach in the knee. When he noticed me looking at him, he nodded.

  Zach screamed in pain from where he lay on the floor, just inches from me. I tried to scramble up, terrified that he would try and get ahold of me again, and half crawled, half hobbled over to where Officer Cane stood in the doorway.

  “Oh my God, you’re shot!” Officer Cane grabbed the radio attached to his shirt and spoke into it rapidly. “Steve, get in here, she’s got a bullet in her.”

  He looked at me, his eyebrows furrowed. “You’re going to be okay. Everything is going to be alright, Audrey. You’re safe now.”

  I watched in disbelief as paramedics rushed into the room, a stretcher in tow. They loaded me onto it, covering my exposed chest with a crisp white sheet.

  “He killed my mother.” I gasped, gripping Officer Cane’s arm. “It was Zach. He told me he strangled her.”

  The man’s eyes widened, and his lips pursed together. He nodded at me, a kind look crossing his face, then he spoke into the radio attached to his chest. I couldn’t hear what he said.

  I was free. Zach was caught. Jumbled questions invaded my mind as they wheeled me through the cabin and onto the porch.

  “Audrey!” Caleb’s voice cut through the confusion and poured over me. He was here. I struggled to sit, my eyes searching the scene before me, but the sunlight blinded me.

  Finally I saw him, rushing toward me from where he’d been standing with Anna and my sisters. Sierra and Sadie clung to each other, tears streaking their faces. Sadie was even dressed normal. She had on blue jeans and a v-neck top. Her face was free of make-up. She looked like my little sister again.

  “Thank God you’re safe!” Anna said as they all reached my side. The paramedics kept rolling me toward the ambulance, parked beside Anna’s SUV.

  “I’m sorry about your car.” I managed to get out.

  “Oh honey, don’t you worry about that. All that matters is that we have you back.”

  Caleb’s hand held onto mine. When they started to load me into the back of the ambulance, he looked up at the men.

  “Can I go with her?” He asked.

  “Sure, son, get on in.”

  Caleb glanced back at Anna and she nodded, so he hoisted himself up into the vehicle and sat on one of the bench seats beside me.

  “How did you find me?” I managed to choke out.

  Caleb rubbed his hand over my forehead. “We looked everywhere for two days. We had no idea where you’d gone.” He stopped, closing his eyes, as if he were reliving every minute of it. “Finally we found your phone, tangled in the bushes. There was a text message on it, with this address. We called the cops and took a chance.”

  The text message Zach had sent me telling me where to come rescue Sadie. He’d been his own undoing. The irony of it was not lost on me, and I smiled in spite of myself.

  “Why did you come here?” Caleb asked, breaking into my thoughts.

  I stared into his gorgeous blue eyes, shaded by curiosity and anxiety.

  “He told me he had Sadie.” I whispered. “I thought I was saving her.”

  Caleb put his hand over his forehead, shaking his head. He pursed his lips and ran his fingers over my face, his simple touch making me feel like I was home.

  “Audrey?” Sadie’s voice sounded small and afraid. She and Sierra peered in at me from where they stood beside Anna.

  “I love you guys.” I said, looking at my sisters. It was all they needed to hear. “I’m going to be fine, don’t worry.”

  Sadie’s face twisted as she began to sob. “I’m so sorry, Audrey. For everything.”

  “It’s okay.” Exhaustion crept up on me and I lay back on the stretcher, Caleb’s hand caressing mine as the men shut the doors, explaining that Anna and my sisters would follow us to the hospital.

  “Everything is going to be okay now.” I whispered, more to myself than anyone else. And I knew it was true.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  One Month Later

  Caleb and I sat at the kitchen table, reading brochures for college. He was going to a four year university in the next town over. I hadn’t applied anywhere—there was no point in trying for something I couldn’t have. If I worked for a year, maybe two, after graduation maybe I could save up enough to go for a semester. But, with my birthday coming up, I was about to be out on my own. That would mean bills. Rent, utilities, food…my stomach tied itself in knots just thinking about it.

  “Hey. What are you guys doing?” Anna walked down the steps, a basket of laundry balanced on her slender hip.

  “Just looking through these. I’m trying to convince Audrey to go with me this fall.” Caleb smiled and bumped his shoulder against mine.

  I rolled my eyes. “I’ve already told you I can’t go to college yet.”

  Anna and Caleb shared a look, a knowing glance between the two of them that made it seem like they had inside knowledge I didn’t.

  “What?” I asked, putting the papers I was holding on the kitchen table. “What are you guys smiling at?” My eyes shifted from one of them to the other as I squinted, trying to figure out what they were hiding.

  “I just don’t see why you can’t afford to go to school, that’s all.” Caleb shrugged.

  “Yeah.” Anna said. “Whatever job you get should give you more than enough money to get you through, if you only take a few classes a semester. And you haven’t even applied for any scholarships.”

  Of course I hadn’t. Up until a couple of months ago college was the very farthest thing from my mind. I’d missed all the deadlines.

  “You know if won’t be enough. It’s not like flipping burgers or scanning groceries is going to make me a bazillion dollars. All of that money will have to go toward living expenses.”

  “What living expenses?” Anna asked, raising her eyebrows as she headed to the laundry room off the kitchen. She started sorting whites and darks into the hampers.

  “Oh, gee, I don’t know. Rent, water. That kind of stuff.”

  Anna stuck her head out and looked at me, frowning. “You silly girl. I would never charge you for rent and water!” She shook her head and went back to her laundry.

  “Wha--?” I switched my glance to Caleb. He held his brochure in front of him, his eyes large. I reached over and plucked it from his fingers.

  “You might be able to read it better if it wasn’t upside down.” I told him. “Now, just what is going on?” He knew good and well I was leaving when I turned eighteen. We’d talked about it. We’d talked about a lot of stuff since Zach had held me captive. Every day Caleb was there, helping me feel whole again. Every day he’d shown me how much he loved me. And he knew that when I turned eighteen we wouldn’t be living together anymore, but we’d both promised that it wouldn’t mean anything had to change.

  “Hey! Where are you guys?” The door slammed in the front of the house.

  “In here!” Anna’s voice rang out from the laundry room.

  Sadie came into the kitchen and put her backpack in the empty chair beside Caleb, then slid into the one on my other side.

  “Man. That study group is brutal! I’ll be glad when these stupid exams are over.” She looked at the papers spread out over the surface of the table. “What are we doing?”

  I looked my sister over—it was amazing what she’d gone through in just a few short months. From the brink and back again, she’d said. It was only a couple of days after my rescue that she came to
live with us. Anna told Mrs. Anderson she’d be happy to have her, and it was just that easy. I smirked, knowing how short of a leash the Gable’s were keeping Tori on now. Little brat deserved it. She’d tried to talk her way out of it, but Sadie had stepped up and confessed everything to Mr. and Mrs. Gable, and they believed her.

  Even if I did have to leave soon, I knew Sadie would be okay here with Anna. Caleb would be here too, for a while at least. He didn’t want his mom to have to pay for him a place when he would be going to school so close. I secretly thought he didn’t much want to leave her. It might have been different had his dad been around.

  Sierra was safe too, at the Morton’s. Part of me had worried she would feel left out when Sadie came to live with us here, but she wasn’t. She like where she was, and she told me to get over myself. Same old Sierra, even if she did let her softer side through a bit more now.

  “We’re trying to convince Audrey to go to school. But she thinks she can’t pay for it because of rent.” Caleb’s voice broke into my thoughts as he answered Sadie.

  “Ohhh—“ My sister’s face broke into a wide smile. “I see. Why would you have to pay rent, Aud?” She widened her eyes.

  “Okay, just what the heck is going on here?” Their faces were both red, like they were about to bust. Either from wanting to laugh or from trying to hold in a secret, I wasn’t sure, but it was driving me crazy.

  Anna came out of the laundry room and walked around to my chair, placing her hand on my shoulder. “You don’t need to worry about money to live. I want you to stay here, Audrey. Do you really think I would be able to let you strike out on your own, with no money and no real place to go? C’mon girl. Don’t you know me better than that?”

  A flood of emotions poured inside of me, feeling like a monsoon erupting in my heart. I’d heard what she said—but I couldn’t grasp it. She wanted me to stay here, but once I turned eighteen she wouldn’t get a stipend from the state anymore for my care.