Dark Solace

by Tara Fox Hall

  “I want you to watch him,” Titus said sternly. “When you visit Danial, make it a point to see him. He hasn’t been visiting me here much lately, and I want to know if he needs help. I can help him keep the demon part of him under control, if or when it comes to that. But it’s easier to help when you catch it early.”

  I couldn’t deal with this on top of everything else. Plus the very idea of Terian turning evil seemed like something out of a comic book. So I just nodded. “Okay.”

  “Thank you.” Titus moved to get up. “I appreciate it.”

  “Titus, why do vampires smell like earth?” I asked, following him up the stairs. “They don’t sleep in a coffin, or need any native soil that I know of near them.”

  “The legend of the earth likely came from the smell,” Titus replied, his attempted chuckle more of a bass booming sound. “Or from some fanged idiot who forgot what time it was and tried to bury himself to escape the sun.” He shrugged. “That does work, if the hole’s deep enough.”

  “But why that particular smell?” I persisted.

  “Most likely, the scent isn’t earth at all, just some chemical mixture the human brain recognizes as earthy. I can’t comment, really; vampires always smell like blood to me. I don’t smell anything earthy about them, although I’ve heard others say that was true—

  It hit me suddenly who had smelled of earth: Lash. “It must be from Devlin’s blood in the potion,” I said aloud.

  “What?” Titus rumbled, turning to look at me.

  “Lash smells like a vampire. That earthy smell is stronger on him than it is on Danial or Dev. The Lust probably activated with him because it recognized him wrongly as a vampire instead of a weresnake.”

  Titus nodded thoughtfully. “You’re probably right. He’s been on that potion for years.”

  “He said it caused him pain.” I bit my lip, pondering. “Why does my blood take away Lash’s pain?”

  “I’m not sure,” Titus answered, gazing at me unblinking. “I would guess that whatever gives you the power to give a vampire child life resides in your blood. It always comes back to the blood, Sarelle. And yours is a mixture of half-demon, and powerful vampire, similar to the most important parts of the potion. Add to that your own mysterious ‘summer blood’ and your plasma is probably more powerful than the potion Lash takes now, even with Devlin’s newfound power.”

  “Would it help him live longer?” I asked bluntly.

  Titus pulled me into the garage, and again murmured the incantation to conceal our words.

  “Lash told me about your blood,” Titus rumbled as he finished. “When I told him not to take any of it, he told me you gave him permission—”

  I nodded. “Yes.”

  “—then he told me to fuck off.”

  “Sounds like him,” I said, smirking. “I offered him some, but he said no.”

  “Sar, beware of Lash,” Titus cautioned. “His only loyalty is to Devlin. He cares about no one else.”

  My hackles went up. “You’re talking about a friend.”

  “He’s not your friend,” Titus rumbled, his red eyes glowing. “And your blood might have enough power to curb his decline—”

  I took a sharp intake of breath. “Then I have to tell him, make him agree to—”

  “No,” Titus growled. “Lash drained Tasha the night he killed her. He’d do it to you.”

  I got up abruptly. “Did you tell him this? You didn’t, did you?”

  “Of course not!” Titus retorted. “I told him he had lived as long as he was going to. And he accepted it. He has time left, though not much, respectively.”

  “Then I’m going to tell him.” I moved to go. “Now.”

  Titus blocked me, heat washing over me like a bonfire. “Sar, don’t tell him.”

  “Titus, Lash never asked for my blood. He only took it when I made him—”

  And that last time, which didn’t count, not really.

  “—when I offered it to him to stop his pain, he refused. He’s not going to hurt me.”

  “You tell him you can save his life, Sar, and he won’t refuse,” Titus rumbled. “You remember this: if you throw a drowning man a rope, sometimes you get pulled down with him.”

  I shot him an angry look, and then went upstairs in search of Lash. But he didn’t answer his door when I knocked. Stymied, I reluctantly entered Dev’s room.

  The crib was missing. Worried, I checked the nursery, but there was no one there either, though the crib there was in its normal place, the covers turned down expectantly.

  “Serena had said Dev and Venus were both gone yesterday,” I muttered, turning off the light. “You’re an idiot for panicking.”

  After using Devlin’s shower, I got some of my clothes from Devlin’s dresser, and put them on. Waiting in bed naked or even in a nightgown was too awkward after all this time.

  I sat down on the bed edge and waited. Nine minutes after nine, the door opened, and Devlin came in.

  Chapter Three

  Devlin saw me there waiting for him and froze. My eyes traveled to his hand, still resting on the door handle. The multicolored gold band gleamed on his ring finger. We said nothing for some moments.

  “Tell me you’re really here,” he said finally. “That I’m not dreaming this.”

  “I’m here,” I said softly. “Was Venus with you?”

  Dev nodded. “Serena is feeding her.” He came closer hesitantly.

  I enfolded him in my arms. He let out a soft sigh of contentment. I was immediately overcome; memories of shared passion singing through my veins, the heady aroma of his sweet scent stirring my heart.

  “I’ve really missed you, Love,” he said finally, rubbing his scratchy cheek against mine.

  “I missed you, too,” I admitted. “Come, sit down.”

  He sat on the end of the bed, beside me, then took my hand in his. “Have you come back to me?” he whispered hopefully.

  What could I say? Yes, but only under duress? I’d better phrase my words carefully. “Dev, I’m here to give you a second chance. But things need to be different between us, if I do that.”

  He was silent, waiting.

  “I understand you haven’t been with anyone else—”

  “How do you know that?” Devlin asked suddenly.

  “Lash told me tonight, while I was waiting for you,” I answered. “He said you had chemical help.”

  “Yes,” he affirmed. “It was misery at first, but I got used to it. The drugs Titus brews even out my moods and desires, though it’s still not—”

  “You didn’t have to do that. We were over.”

  “We weren’t over, Sar!” Devlin said forcefully. “We were just taking a break from one another. It mattered that I show you I’d changed, that I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.”

  I didn’t reply, averting my eyes.

  “You don’t believe me?” He took his hand off mine. “If you don’t believe I’ve changed, then why are you here?” he said, looking at me searchingly.

  He was suspicious. Shit. Think fast, Sar. “Because I missed you.”

  “That’s not it,” he said, getting to his feet. He turned to face me, golden eyes flashing. “Don’t lie to me, Sarelle.”

  Shit! Quick, say something, anything! “Because we have a child together, even if just saying that is still a shock to me,” I said, gaining surety with each word. “My father died when I was very young. I never got to know him. Theo missed out on some of Elle’s formative years, when he was gone missing. I don’t want that to happen with me and our daughter.”

  Devlin sat back down beside me, and took my right hand in both of his, caressing delicately.

  “I’m here because our child should be able to have her mother and father spend time together, and not be reticent, or fighting, or not speaking.” I squeezed his hand. “And because regardless of everything that’s happened, I meant it when I said I loved you.”

  Devlin said two words, but they weren’t the ones I expected
to hear. “Not enough.”

  I looked at him in confusion. “What?”

  “I was jealous, Sar. I had hoped that once I had Oathed you, and I’d gotten the other Rulers to back off, you would want to come and live with me.”

  Surprise showed on my face before I could mask it.

  “I see your surprise. That hurts me. You have spent all this time with me, and you still act as though I only see you as some piece of ass.”

  Whoa. “Hey, I never said that—”

  “But you thought it,” Devlin retorted. “That first day with you, when I told you I loved you, you looked the same. Then months later, when we were at your house, when I told you I wanted a life with you, you looked the same again. Surprised, but not delighted. More wary, and ready to distance yourself from me the moment you could.”

  “Dev, it wasn’t like that—”

  “It is like that, Sar! It hurts me to say it out loud, but I might as well. I’ve got nothing left to lose.” He paused. “I hoped that when we came back from the Gathering, you and I could start a new life. I understood you better then, from spending that week with you. I knew that you didn’t want to leave your pets and your children, and I understood why you felt you couldn’t come to me in Rio, though you wanted to. Things were falling into place almost like magic. Theo was leaving you. We were Oathed. You’d agreed to have my child.”

  My life had been falling apart back then. I’d never thought about Dev’s perspective.

  “Then suddenly, Theo loved you again. Worse, you loved him back. I knew then that you loved him far more than you loved me, that you weren’t going to come and live with me here. That I’d been deluding myself thinking that you ever would.”

  “Devlin—”

  “When I found out it was his child, I was enraged. I wanted to kill him, and just take you. But I told myself to be patient, that I could wait for you to come to me. Time would pass, and eventually, I’d only have to share you with Danial.”

  Once Theo died, that would be true. I looked away from him.

  “I hoped in time you would reconsider living with me. Time is one thing I have plenty of.”

  “We both do now,” I replied carefully.

  “But I saw over the following months that most of what you felt for me was just because of the blood I had given you, the attraction any turn feels for their sire. I gave you a lot of my blood when I saved you. More than I had ever given anyone before, even Anna. It influenced you, made you desire me. I thought that you really loved me, as I wanted you to. But it became obvious—as more time passed and you had less of my blood in your system—that you didn’t want me the way you had before. That you didn’t love me, as you said you did. You loved Theo and Danial, but not me.” There was utter despair in Devlin’s tone now, sorrow enough to drown in. “My jealousy ate at me. Your being with Lash didn’t help.”

  I whipped my head around to give him an angry look. “You told me what happened was okay with you.”

  “I know I said that,” Devlin said heavily. “I trusted him with you because I knew he was loyal to me. But you tested that loyalty sorely. I can see how he looks at you now.”

  Remembering Lash’s last look at me, I flushed. “Dev, stop—”

  “You know he still hasn’t been with anyone else.”

  I had to get the conversation off Lash. “Dev, leave him out of this. What he and I did is done and over. We need to talk about us, not The Lust, or old lovers—”

  “But I am just an old lover, aren’t I?” Devlin said bitterly. “Months ago, you came here after you had fought with Theo. You never even called me to tell me you were here. Why, Sar? I’ll tell you why. Because you didn’t want to be with me. You just needed somewhere to go to not be with him.”

  “You’re my former Oathed One!” I shouted. “Stop making yourself out to be the victim, when it was you who broke our Oath! If all you are is an old lover of mine, that isn’t my fault, it’s yours!”

  Devlin tilted his head up, then looked down at me. “Do you know how many women have told me they loved me? That they wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of their lives with me? Not counting the ones I had sex with, even?”

  I took in his handsome face, his beautiful eyes, his sculpted body under his tight clothes. He was probably the most sexy and attractive man I’d ever known. The women who’d been attracted to him in his long life, who’d wanted him for their own, were probably every woman he’d ever met. “Probably a lot,” I answered.

  “I’ve only told you and Anna that I loved you, outside of quoting poetry and songs, of course—”

  “Of course,” I echoed sarcastically.

  “I’ve only ever wanted her and you, Sar. I’ve never asked anyone else to Oath to me.”

  God, I wanted to believe him, wanted it to be true, because that made me feel like I was important, to matter so much to him. But the truth was I was not on his level.

  “How can you look at me like that, when I’m trying to tell you how I feel?” Dev said, tears again forming in his eyes. “Like I can’t mean a word of it.”

  “Because I want so badly to believe you,” I replied morosely. “I wanted you to love me, to want me, from the moment I first saw you. That’s why I asked you for that fantasy back last fall—”

  “I told you the truth! None of it was lies, Sar!”

  “I wanted so badly to mean something to you.”

  “I’m telling you that you do! I’ve been telling you now for almost a year! Why won’t you believe me?”

  I put out my hand, and touched the silk coverlet gently. “I didn’t want to let down my guard. I was afraid of you breaking my heart if I let myself trust that you loved me.” I swallowed hard, tears forming in my eyes. “I finally did though. When I came to you that night, I just wanted you to feel the baby kick—”

  “Sar, I’m so sorry—”

  “—and when I saw you...with her, it was just as crushing as I’d imagined. I called myself an idiot then, for knowing you were going to break my heart and letting myself love you anyway.”

  “I have called myself worse in these months we’ve been apart for doing that to you. I could give you my reasons, but they were selfish reasons, and there is no excuse—”

  “Stop talking about it,” I said softly, brushing my tears away. “I don’t know if I can forget or forgive you for that, Devlin. But if you tell me you won’t see her ever again, that can be a beginning.”

  “I’ve not spoken to or seen her since that night,” he said, coming to sit again by my side. “And I won’t, Love. That’s a promise.”

  “But you’re right about something.” I took a deep breath, steeling myself for what I needed to say. “You asked me once if I was afraid because I wasn’t enough of a woman to hold on to your love. Do you remember that?”

  Anguish replaced Devlin’s hopeful expression. “Sar, please—”

  “Do you?” I said sharply.

  “Yes, of course. I’m so sorry—”

  “I was afraid,” I said, wiping more tears out of my eyes. “I have always been afraid of that. I never thought Theo or Danial would grow bored with me, or that I wouldn’t be enough for them.” I took a deep, deep breath, and let it out. “But I doubted myself with you. I told myself repeatedly not to get too attached to you, because you weren’t going to be interested in me for long. Because I know in my heart that I’m not enough to hold onto someone like you—”

  Devlin laughed quietly.

  I shot him an angry look. “Why are you laughing?”

  “Because I was afraid that I was not enough for you,” he said bitterly. “Not good enough, not kind enough, not loving enough, not decent enough.” He brought my hand to his lips. “Perhaps we were both wrong.”

  “You’re a king among men and vampires,” I said in exasperation, pulling my hand out of his grasp “You’re a dream come to life, Devlin.”

  Devlin grasped my hand and yanked me forward into his arms. “That is where you’re wrong, Sarelle. I am
not God, or a king, or even a dream. I’m just a man who wants to be loved.” He touched his lips to mine, brushing lightly. “A man that wants your love.”

  I sighed. “If you truly wanted me for more than sex, Dev, why is that all we ever did?”

  Dev gaped at me, blinking. “What else did you want to do? You never mentioned—”

  I narrowed my eyes. “I was your guest in your home for months, Dev. When I visited, we’d have sex, we’d sometimes go out to Davy’s or we’d sleep. You’ve never treated me as anything but a lover.”

  Devlin stared at me, aghast. “Why did you never tell me you felt like this?” he whispered.

  “I thought that was just how things were,” I answered, suddenly awkward. “That you were treating me like that because things were temporary. I felt bad about that, but I accepted it. That was one of the reasons I asked to help you, to keep busy here so I wouldn’t obsess over it.”

  Devlin moved, reaching and pulling me roughly into his arms. “I never meant to make you feel that way,” he said, smoothing my hair, kissing my tears away. “Anna never wanted to do anything but read poetry, buy new clothes, and do embroidery. I don’t know how else she spent her time other than that, when she wasn’t sleeping with me. I know you work hard at your home, and at Danial’s. I didn’t want you to have to work here.”

  “Dev, I’m not talking about working. Why did we never go to a movie, or even watch one together? Go out again on your motorcycle? See a play, or go out walking even—?”

  Devlin squeezed me so hard he cut off my words. “I’m sorry,” he said, kissing my cheek. “I didn’t think you wanted to do those things with me. I know you did them with Theo and Danial, but you never mentioned any interest in doing them with me. I wanted to do them with you, but I was always hesitant to ask. That is why when Danial invited me to the movies with you, or told me that you had an appointment, I made sure to be there, even if I wasn’t sure you wanted me there. I wanted to take you out again on the motorcycle, but I didn’t want to risk it until it was warmer. By then, we knew you were pregnant, and it was too dangerous for you.” Devlin paused. “Some of it was being busy with Ebediah’s affairs in Canada. I’ve felt for most of this year as if all I do is work, feed, and sleep. There were many vampires and weres that were angry that needed to be dealt with or convinced to join my side. Getting that cooperation was necessary to protect against a revolt—”