I lapsed into silence.
“Theo, how do you feel about what Sar just said?”
“I don’t want to push her away,” Theo sighed, running his hands through his hair. “I’m grateful she told me what happened, what she did. I know she didn’t have to, she could have covered it up.” Theo’s tone was guttural and raw, his rage building with every word. “I know I should be glad, because she did what she promised she would by telling me the truth, but I just feel betrayed. It would have been bad enough if it was anyone else, but it had to be fucking Lash!”
Carol tried to head him off by speaking quickly. “Theo, you seem to have a lot of anger still, and it does seem to be directed at Sar—”
“She fucked my worst enemy! Damn right, I’m angry! She could have saved him and not done that! No one made her be with him!”
“I think that is what Sar is saying, Theo,” Carol interjected. “She was with Lash at least in part BECAUSE no one made her do it; because she wanted something she had a choice in—”
“Well, I’m not MAKING her be with me!” Theo snarled. He pulled off his wedding band, and tossed it on the floor. He got to his feet in a smooth motion, and then glared down at me. “Teleport wherever you’re going to be spending the night,” he said coldly. “I’ll be at home, with Devon.” Without a backward look, Theo stalked out.
I put my head in my hands for a little while and wept. There was motion beside me a few minutes later, as Carol sat next to me. She said nothing; just put her hand on my shoulder. I slowly got control of myself, using some of the tissues on her table.
“Do you think we can work out things?” I said softly, not looking at her. “It’s bad, Carol.”
“It depends if you both want to,” Carol said simply. “If you and Theo both want things to work out badly enough, Sar, you’ll be able to work them out. But if he won’t try with you to meet you halfway, you’ll have to decide if you want to stay in the marriage with him, or if you want to separate.”
“I don’t want to lose him,” I said, looking at the wall. “But I think it’s going to come to that before it’s all over.”
Carol got up, and went back to her chair, settling into it. “We have another half hour or so. As Theo is gone, there are some other things we should discuss.”
I looked over at her. “What things?”
“Do you love Lash?” she asked frankly. “You give all indications that you do.”
“No. But he’s a good friend. I like him to touch me and kiss me, even though I know it’s wrong to want him that way. I enjoy spending time with him. He makes me laugh, the way Theo and I used to, before our lives became the mess they are. We talk a lot, about a lot of things, not just what’s going on in our own sphere of the world. And that day I was with him, I told myself that it was mostly just that I wanted to forget for a while everything that had happened to me, to get some solace from my problems. I rationalized that was why I had given in. But really it was just that I liked him, and I knew Theo was going to be angry anyway, that it didn’t matter if Lash had only made love to me to try to distract me—” I trailed off, as I’d said too much.
“What do you mean by that, Sarelle?” Carol said, watching me closely.
“I mean that part of saving Lash caused me a lot of pain,” I said carefully.
“Does Theo know this?”
“Carol, he hates him,” I said flatly. “Theo probably gets a warm happy feeling when he thinks that Lash was in terrible pain, and is angry at me for saving him just as much as he’s angry about me having sex with him. To him it doesn’t matter why, only that it happened. Which is just how I knew he would feel when he found out.”
“Then you should bring in Lash, as well as Danial and Devlin, to some sessions.”
My eyes bugged out of their sockets. “Are you joking? Do you know how bad that could—?”
“Not with Theo,” Carol said simply. “Just them with you, one at a time.”
“Why?” I asked, my tone shriller still. “That could still—”
“Because they may need to work with you to alter their behavior so that you feel better about your life,” Carol said calmly. “From listening to you, the problem this time is not Theo’s, it’s yours. Your feelings of being trapped led you to having sex with Lash, even when you knew you shouldn’t. And you’ll continue to feel this way until you resolve those feelings. They need you to tell them what you told Theo and me today.”
I didn’t answer.
Carol looked at me. “Isn’t it true, Sar, that in part you did what you did with Lash so you’d drive away some of your male attention? And it worked. You’ve said only Devlin has forgiven you for what you did, and you are only intimate with him right now. Danial and Theo are not being intimate with you since you were with Lash. And Lash is staying away from you, too, on Devlin’s orders.”
What she said was true. In a sad and awful way, I’d almost liked the last two weeks. I’d worked, played with my children, and had only one man who touched me intimately. It was nice, not having to satisfy a crowd. And I hadn’t had to have sex with anyone in that time. Devlin still couldn’t have sex yet. He was still not healed enough to, or so he said. His eye had healed a week ago, and I thought it strange that he hadn’t at least attempted once yet to have me. But that was another whole separate issue.
“Sar?”
“Yes, it’s true I wanted to get a break from everyone’s demands. But some of it was that I really wanted to be with Lash, because I liked him, and I wanted to be with him; to have it be just us, when he wasn’t dying, and when I wasn’t a slave to The Lust.”
“Would you be with him, if you could just be with one man?” she asked.
I blinked in surprise. “There would never be that choice.”
Carol gave me an expectant look that said that wasn’t an answer.
“Probably not,” I said, after a moment’s hesitation. “I don’t want to alienate my children any more than I have already. If I left Theo to be with Lash, Elle, my daughter, would probably never speak to me again. My son, Theoron, he likes Lash, but I’m not sure if he knows exactly what went on between the two of us. It isn’t the kind of information you ask your son if he’s aware of. Plus, I know Lash can be violent, and as much as I like him, he kills people for a living.”
“I know who he is very well, Sar” Carol said, and a little shudder went through her. “He’s almost as much of a legend as Devlin is.”
I rolled my eyes mentally as I could tell from her tone she was looking forward to meeting Devlin. Or maybe it was her obsession with Ranked men. I’d forgotten until this moment her interest and knowledge in the Who’s Who list of killers.
“If you could choose one man to be with, would it be Theo?”
“Of course. But it’s moot. There is no getting away from Devlin, Carol. And despite that Danial is angry at me, and refuses to be intimate with me, he didn’t ask me for his choker back.”
“So you are taking that his not asking for it back means he still wants you to be his?”
I gave Carol a partial smile. “Devlin said that Danial would forgive me, in time. I told him I didn’t think so, and Devlin just said he thought I knew Danial better than that.”
Carol got up. “Come back weekly, Sar. Come on alternate weeks with Theo, and the other weeks, come alone, or with one of the men we discussed. I’ll call Theo as well, and set up some lone sessions with him, too. He has some rage to vent out still, and he should get that out, so we don’t have an outburst like we had today from him.”
I bent down and picked up Theo’s wedding band, and slipped it on my thumb. “Okay,” I said, standing, and gathering up my coat and purse. “Next week, same time?”
“Yes,” Carol said, showing me to the door.
It was a good thing my insurance through Danial paid for therapy, I thought as I opened the door to walk outside. This was going to cost a fortune before it was over.
I decided to walk over to the back of the house where the
re were shrubs. I knew better than to just disappear in front of everyone, on a busy street sidewalk. But with Theo having taken off in the truck, there wasn’t another option.
“Sar?”
I turned to see Theo coming over to me, a hesitant look on his face. I turned and waited for him.
He came to stand in front of me. “Do you have my ring?”
I took it off my thumb, handed it to him, and he slipped it back onto his left hand.
“I’m sorry for what I said,” he said, and for a moment, he looked as if he might reach out and hold me, but he stopped himself, putting his hands back at his sides. Watching him, I wondered then if Titus, Devlin’s demon sorcerer, had broken the first layer of our bond.
Theo and I were bound by a dream we had shared three times. It had made our love deeper, our desire to be together almost unstoppable. I’d always loved that I shared it with him, that we were something like soul mates, that our love was that true. But two weeks ago, when I’d asked Titus to break the bond we shared, I’d done it because I knew Theo would never leave me while it held us together. And if things didn’t work out with us, I wanted Theo to be able to leave me, to find someone he could call his own. I’d had enough of not having choices. Theo didn’t have a lot of choices either, but this was one I was going to give him, even at the risk of losing him. Titus had said he could do it over months. Every day since then, I’d watched carefully for some sign of Theo’s love for me lessening. When it happened, I wanted to know.
“Let me give you a ride home,” Theo continued. “I know you need to get to Devlin tonight, but I’d like to spend the time with you, if you want to.”
“That’d be nice,” I said, following him to the truck.
As Theo drove home, I related what Carol had said. “She wants them all to come?” Theo said with something like horror.
“That’s what she said,” I said heavily, looking out the window.
“Aren’t you going to feel...I don’t know, awkward?”
“Of course!” I snapped. “I’m going to feel ridiculous, especially with Devlin there, and Carol already dying to meet him—” I snorted, then looked over at Theo and smiled. “I mean, how is she going to be impartial?”
He gave me a hesitant smile back. “I’m sure she’ll fall back on her training.” He cleared his throat. “When you were late to a session last fall, she and I got to talking. It’s clear she’s very into the Ranking, from the questions she’s asked me, almost to the point of fixation. But during the sessions she’s been nothing but professional.” He patted my hand. “It’ll be fine.”
I wanted to ask him to stop the truck, to ask him to take me in his arms and kiss me until I was lost in his love and devotion. Instead, I just nodded and looked away. Devlin expected me at Hayden, and he’d been more fanatical than usual lately about my visits to him. If I wasn’t there by dusk, he’d send Titus to track me down.
Titus had placed a tracking spell on me back months ago when Theo had had some men after him. No matter where I was, he could find me and teleport directly to me. It was the same spell that Lash had used to find us when Ulysses had kidnapped Devlin and I. It had faded out too soon, allowing Ulysses to almost kill Devlin with sunlight. Titus hadn’t refreshed it afterwards, which had allowed him to not know my location when I went to find Lash, allowing me just enough time to save his life. The moment my demon kin had found me in the Everglades, he had refreshed the spell, to make sure there wasn’t a third time.
Last week, I had been running late, and Titus had accessed the tracing spell, appearing suddenly in the middle of the road in front of me. I’d swerved, but, it had scared the life out of me. Titus had then teleported me, my truck, and himself directly to Hayden, where Devlin was waiting in his robe with his arms crossed, his normally golden eyes red with annoyance. I’d asked him what was wrong, but he had only taken me upstairs with him, and asked me to take off my clothes. Mystified, I’d obeyed. Once I was naked, Devlin had settled in bed with me and gone to sleep. When he’d awoken, he had been very easygoing and loving, as if nothing was wrong.
I didn’t know what had Devlin acting so weird. I’d have thought that Devlin was worried I’d taken off with Lash again, crazy as that was, but Lash had been at Hayden with Devlin the night I’d been late. He’d watched silently from the kitchen as I was led upstairs by Devlin. But while I wasn’t sure what was making Devlin act erratically, I planned to confront him about it that night. Enough was enough. That confrontation was bound to be another knock down-drag out fight.
“Sar, are you okay?” Theo asked. “You’re awfully quiet.”
My weary eyes met Theo’s concerned blue ones. Screw it. “Would you stop the truck?”
Theo looked confused, but he pulled over to the side of the road. “What is it?” he said gruffly.
I looked over at him in surprise. “You’re angry again?”
“What is it?” he repeated angrily. “Are you going to try to tell me that you don’t want to go to Dev? I know you do, Sar. I know you want him, just like you want fucking Lash.”
“Never mind,” I said, looking away from Theo so he wouldn’t see my tears. “Just drive. That’s what you’re best at.”
“No, you’re going to tell me why you wanted me to stop the truck,” Theo growled, dragging me over to him on the seat. He grabbed my face in his hand and made me look at him. “Spit it out.”
I blinked my watery eyes, feeling pitiful. “I just wanted for you to hold me. That was it.”
Theo looked at me with something like shock, and then with a sigh he crushed me in his arms. I put my arms around him hesitantly.
Why couldn’t this be easier? Why couldn’t I have met him back when he was human, some night? We could have gotten to know one another without all the vampire craziness, and blood, and tears...
I shook my head slightly. There was no point going there. I would never have met Theo without knowing Danial first. And Theo was werecougar. There was no changing that.
I tightened my arms around him, breathing in his scent of prairie grass and blue skies, and pine trees. He felt good in my arms. He felt right.
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” I said. “I didn’t do what I did to hurt you.”
Theo said nothing, one of his hands running up my back, stroking me gently.
“I’ll come back every week. As long as it takes, Theo.”
Theo still said nothing, but he pulled me more into his lap. With a sigh, he brought my chin up from his chest and kissed me softly. I kissed him back at once hungrily. Theo groaned, one of his hands going down my back to pull my body close to his as the other slid up to tangle in my hair. His mouth opened on mine, and I kissed him back, sensations flooding me.
It had been weeks since we had touched like this. I had thought Theo hadn’t wanted me anymore. But I’d been wrong. Very wrong.
Theo’s tongue darted into my mouth, even as his hand reached down to unbutton my jeans. Startled, I pulled back from him, giving him surprised eyes.
Theo gave me a look of confusion, then suspicion. “What?”
“I know how you feel about being with me,” I said, biting my lip. “I don’t want—”
“Saving yourself for Lash?” Theo said sarcastically, his eyes narrowing.
I pushed myself off his lap, and got back on the other side of the truck seat. “Drive.”
We didn’t speak the rest of the way home.
* * * *
I arrived at Hayden at dusk. I’d driven instead of teleporting, because I needed the time to think. I’d also been delayed when I’d stopped to rescue a stunned bird. A female cardinal had been hit by the car in front of me, and I’d run back just in time to avoid her being flattened by a passing truck. I’d thought she was dead, but then I’d felt her heartbeat. I’d laid her on the side of the road, near some trees. Her mate was in the tree above, watching me, and screeching at me, trying to protect her. I waited a few moments, and before long, she was staggering to her clawed feet, and then w
ith a flap of her wings, she flew up into the trees.
I smiled, seeing her back beside her mate. If only things were so easy with me.
The rest of the trip passed quickly. Nick buzzed me through Hayden’s gate about five p.m. Within a few minutes, I pulled into the garage, and shut the overhead door with the garage door control. I didn’t get out though; I just sat there, thinking.
Part of me was seriously considering leaving Theo, no matter how the counseling turned out. It wasn’t because I no longer loved him, though I knew he believed that. And it wasn’t that I didn’t want a life with him, because I did. It was that I could never be his alone. Theo needed that from the woman he was with. He was the only one who was jealous. Danial and Devlin seemed more than content to share me between them; it was Theo who had always made problems. He was the one I’d tried the most to please in the years we’d been together. But no matter what I did, it wasn’t ever enough. This stalemate with the guys wouldn’t last forever. I had to do something, before my life became unlivable again...
“Are you going to get out of the truck, Sar?” a curious voice asked.
I looked up to see Lash, leaning in the open door frame, the light from the kitchen behind him casting a shadow on his face. He looked his usual menacing self today, with his whip and survival knife strapped to his belt. As always, his shaggy jet-black hair was wild, and he was dressed all in black: black, tight-fitting jeans, black shirt, black turtleneck, his tanned skin only showing on his face and hands. But I was guessing that was because he was feeling a chill from his cold-blooded animal side.
He’d startled me a little, but my only fear was of myself, because of how much I wanted him to touch me. Worse, I was going to have to tell him that it didn’t matter if Devlin ever gave us permission to be together. I was married, and Theo was my first priority. That meant no more touching Lash in any way—not even kisses—except as a friend. The trouble was, could I actually get out the words?
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