“What?” Emily had asked innocently.
“You’re murdering it,” he said with true sadness.
“Well, I’m not the bar tender. He’s downstairs. If you want it done right you can wait for him. But it might be a while.” She didn’t have an attitude. She was nice enough about it, but for a cocktail waitress she definitely had a look about her that said don’t talk to me unless you have something worth saying.
“Maybe you could recommend something else.”
She gave him a blank stare and he repeated himself more slowly.
“How about a Sierra Nevada?” she suggested. She seemed to be holding herself in even as she was trying to be helpful, creating the allusion of distance though she stood right in front of him. “It’s a nice summer beer. Very popular.” She spoke slowly back to him as if he were the one having trouble understanding her.
“Sure,” he agreed easily.
She gave him an intense stare that lasted all of five seconds then moved to pour the beer, lightening up as she did so.
“I just moved into the place across the road,” Collin motioned vaguely over his shoulder.
“Where’re you from?” She leaned up against the bar, giving him her attention.
Collin took a long sip of his drink. “Not bad.” He smiled already feeling more relaxed with the pint in hand. “Ireland.”
The bar had been slow to fill up and they had a chance to talk for a while. Emily had never traveled and was interested in hearing about his home. As the night went on she continued to come back over to him whenever she wasn’t busy. Collin made a serious effort to leave before he got too drunk and embarrassed himself. Then he returned the following day at about the same time picking up the conversation right where they’d left off. She finished her shift early that night and sat down to have a drink with him. The following day they started to explore Chicago together. She took him to some of her favorite places and then wandered around with him, easily falling into the role of tourist herself.
The nicotine craving returned, this time too strong to be ignored, bringing Collin back to the present. He touched Emily’s hair fondly, breathing in the scent of her shampoo. She was so brave in some ways and so fragile in others. They had a lot to go through together, they still had so much to learn about each other. But he was looking forward to it. He knew he would be happier with her. He could see it.
When Emily woke again Collin was already up. He’d pulled on his jeans and taken up residence in the chair she’d left by the window. The window was opened a crack to let out the smoke from his cigarette. He wore no shirt and seemed impervious to the cold.
Emily lay still staring at him. She watched the way he drew the cigarette to him, holding it between his long thin fingers. She watched the way he pressed it to his lips inhaling deeply. A rush of joy went through her.
“It’s no good Em. I’m onta yer tricks. I know you’re awake,” he said without turning his head.
She smiled then stretched cat-like. She couldn’t think of a better way to wake up.
“Are you ready?”
Emily felt the question dampen her mood.
“Today’s the day we really head home to our new life.”
“I know,” Emily said avoiding an answer to his question. Was she ready?
“Come on then. We’ve got to get ready to go.”
Chapter 2
Emily kicked off her shoes and crossed her legs rolling her window down and putting her sunglasses on. She tilted her head to the side to feel the full warmth of the sun and let a look of pure satisfaction settle onto her face. They had been quiet on the ferry ride. Collin had smoked steadily while Emily had stared at the disappearing island behind them. They’d leaned into each other and occasionally exchanged secretive smiles. This was it.
Emily stuck her fingers playfully out the window then extended her whole arm. She cranked up the radio when an old Beatles song came on and sang along with it loving that Collin didn’t comment on how bad a singer she was. And all the while the word “home” repeated itself in her head. Because she was going home and this time home was going to be different. This time it would be a warm place, a happy comfortable place.
The problem was they’d moved too many times and she was sick of it.
“We’ll just tell them he died,” Jeremy said, his arm hanging protectively around his ten-year-old cousin.
“Your dad died. Won’t that look a little weird?” Emily stuck her chin out defiantly, trying to fight past the situation. She hated moving. She hated being torn away from everything she knew and trying to fit in all over again. And she hated dealing with this subject most of all.
“Divorced?”
“Then they’ll want to know why he never visits or why I never visit him.”
“What about that he’s an F.B. I. Agent and he’s out of town a lot. Maybe we’ll move again before they catch on.”
“That’s just stupid.” But it had the desired effect. It made Emily smile. “At least the last one had a fireplace. I know we never used it. But the possibility of using it sometime just made it that bit nicer.”
“I know,” Jeremy relented, and she could hear the sadness in his voice. “I get sick of all this too.”
In typical Irish fashion there were soon clouds covering the sun and little drops of rain began to fall. Emily rolled the window back up. It was too much to hope for another blue-sky day.
Collin sensed her mood change as they entered their second hour of the four-hour drive home. “You okay?” he asked, reaching out to touch her knee.
Emily fiddled with the gum wrapper in her hands and toyed with the idea of brushing the question away. As comforting as it was having someone to share everything with it was still new. Or at least it was new to have someone besides Jeremy, a real live person sitting next to her who wanted to hear what she was thinking. But she wanted Collin to be open with her, so . . . .
She mulled over the thoughts in her head and gave Collin a sidelong glance. “It’s weird Collin. It’s exciting and wonderful, but weird.”
Without her elaborating Collin nodded. “I know.”
Just that made her feel better. Of course it was weird for him too. He’d only recently moved in to their new place, moving out of the family house he shared with his dad and brother, and now he was bringing his American wife home to it.
“I mean we know each other,” Emily continued.
“But not as well as some,” Collin finished for her.
“Are we crazy?” She asked it in an excited way.
“I think we probably are.” He laughed, enjoying her tone.
But Emily’s thoughts darkened as the miles passed by. As she looked out on trees and birds she didn’t recognize. As house after house made of cement and painted in bright colors flew by. It was so different from anything she would have termed as home just a year ago.
“It’s scary too,” she said the words softly, almost as an apology. “The differences.”
Collin looked out the window on his side, his jaw clenching almost imperceptibly. He didn’t like it when she talked like that. She seemed to grow even smaller in her seat as she spoke. And it made him feel responsible for putting her through something that would be hard for her.
Emily noted Collin’s change in expression and felt she was disappointing him. It frustrated her. She wanted to be able to tell him her hopes and her fears. She knew she would adjust to things eventually, but if she had to bite her tongue every time she felt a little intimidated instead of sharing it with him she would grow to resent it.
An unintentional silence settled between them, and once there it was hard to break. Collin reached to turn up the radio.
Emily sighed to herself. This was her husband and yet they still didn’t always know how to communicate with each other. They didn’t mean to hurt each other; they just didn’t know the words to say. Emily felt the space growing between them, as if a wall were dropping down and separating them. She reached out to touch Collin�
��s leg, squeezing it, needing to feel connected again, and was rewarded with a warm smile.
“We’ll be alright once we settle in, Em. We’re good together we just need a little time.”
A glow spread inside her. He did know her. It would be okay.
Emily perked up, pulling herself out of a half-sleep, as they entered Cork city. The sights were familiar enough. By now she had a general idea of where she was and from what direction they were approaching the city. She looked over at Collin who had lived here all his life and wondered what it must be like for him to know he belonged to a place; to know it was his.
They passed a McDonald’s and a movie Cineplex and as much as Jeremy would have berated her for it Emily found them comforting.
Their house was literally just across the river from the city center with a beautiful view of the River Lee. It was big enough by Irish standards, but very small by American. The first floor consisted of one large front room with a fireplace, a bathroom, and a good-sized kitchen with the dining room attached. The upstairs had two bedrooms, a tiny room that could also be used as a bedroom or an office, and a bathroom.
It was almost four when they pulled up to the house. The sky was grey, threatening to rain at any minute. It was a threat Emily had become used to, often idle but not to be ignored. Together they unloaded their belongings and headed in. Collin, in a romantic gesture, had carried her over the threshold the day after the wedding. Emily smiled at the memory.
“We’re home,” Collin announced.
“Yes we are,” Emily said more softly.
Almost on cue Collin’s mobile began to ring. The honeymoon was over and they had returned to everyday life. “Hello?”
Emily continued on into the house carrying her bags up the stairs. She walked past the bathroom, then past the guest bedroom, and on into their own room. She dropped the bags on the floor and let herself collapse backwards onto the bed closing her eyes.
Most of the furniture in the house had been a present from her new father-in-law. Both the bed and the dining room table were made of a dark sturdy wood. It was the kind of furniture Emily found comforting. It wasn’t fancy but it was comfortable and attractive in its own way.
“Home,” Emily said the word out loud and liked the sound of it.
Collin followed Emily into the room a few minutes later.
“Are y’alright love?”
Emily nodded her head but didn’t move anything else.
“That was Joni. She stocked the fridge for us while we were gone. She asked about coming over, but I thought . . . .” he let it trail off.
Emily opened her eyes. Collin was standing in front of her looking worried. “Tired?”
Again she nodded. Then she sensed him growing uncomfortable. “Can we just stay in tonight? Have a fire maybe? Curl up on the couch,” she said the words enticingly. “I’m just a little worn out and I want to settle in. Just us.”
“Of course.” The creases on Collin’s forehead smoothed. “Can I make you something to eat? Soup maybe?”
“Thanks. That’d be perfect,” Emily said warmly.
“Okay. Stay there if you want. I’ll have it ready in a little bit.”
Emily turned over and pressed her face into the comforter after Collin left. It was good to be home, but it was still going to take some adjusting to.
“It’ll be fine here,” Jeremy said as they stood in their new backyard.
“It’ll be cold,” Emily said, refusing to be placated.
“Minnesota isn’t that much colder than Michigan. Wear a scarf.”
Emily eyed him as if he’d slapped her. She hated when they disagreed.
“Look Emily, we’re here. Your mom got a better job and that means a lot to her. My mom will be able to teach here so it’s fine with her. Maybe they’ll even fight less. Maybe it’ll be better. The little woods down there looks promising.”
“I just hate changing it all again Jeremy. This is the third time. What’s the point of even trying to make friends? It gets harder to break in each time.”
“You have me.”
Emily reached out for his hand and was glad her cousin wasn’t the macho type who would’ve pushed her away. Her mother didn’t hug often and she needed all the physical affection she could get.
“Just give it a try, okay?”
“Okay.”
She pictured him in front of her, looking around her new bedroom then staring back at her. She took her time creating the details of his face: the thinness of his cheeks, the serious straight line of his mouth with the always chapped lips, and the intenseness of his eyes.
“You’re being foolish.”
She stuck her tongue out at him.
“Okay, you’re being a moody bitch,” he said in a harder tone.
Emily sighed, “I know.”
“Stop being scared and pushing it all away. You’re stronger than this Emily.”
“I’m confused,” she fought back. “Sometimes I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. When everything around me is changed, am I still the same?”
Jeremy smiled. “Always the same Emily. Always asking questions. And always a bit melodramatic. Why can’t you just trust yourself?”
She didn’t have to speak her answer. Instead a very clear picture of her mother’s face twisted in disapproval came into her head.
“You’re never going to be able to move on if you don’t settle things with her.”
“I don’t want to. I tried before. It’s her turn,” Emily said stubbornly.
“Right. ‘Cause that attitude’s really going to fix things.”
Emily closed her eyes and kept them closed for a while. When she opened them again Jeremy was gone.
She had always told herself she wasn’t crazy. The conversations with Jeremy were just conversations with herself. But she had never fought with herself this way before. She hadn’t struggled with things so much since the first year after his death.
With a groan of self-disgust Emily pulled herself from the bed. “Come on crazy. Let’s go down and talk to your husband.” She changed into one of Collin’s old sweaters and a pair of pajama pants. Then she went downstairs to join him.
Emily watched him at work in the kitchen, cutting bread and stirring the soup. She liked the way he moved. Even in an unfamiliar kitchen he gave off the feeling he could do it all with his eyes closed. He was used to big families and big meals. The kitchen in his old house was always the central room. It was where everybody gathered.
“Are you going to stand in the doorway all night or are you going to join me?” he asked without turning.
“I like watching you,” she admitted.
He turned and she thought she saw the faintest hint of a blush. “Good.”
“I’m sorry I’ve been acting-.” she started to apologize.
“Don’t be. It’s okay.”
“But-.”
“I didn’t actually make the soup.” He cut her off, putting an end to that conversation. “Joni did. Probably this morning knowing her. It’s a simple vegetable soup, but good.”
“I’m sure I’ll love it.”
They slept late into the day on Monday curled around each other, enjoying their new home.
“So why aren’t you going into work today?” Emily asked as she yawned and stretched, considering the idea of getting up.
“Would you prefer it if I did?”
“Not at all. I like having you right here where I can get my hands on you.”
“Well then why don’t you concentrate on doing that and asking questions later?”
“He said he thought it’d be nice for you to have me around for a couple more days to adjust, but I think he likes having me out of the way,” Collin joked when they finally made it out of bed and downstairs to the kitchen.
“Why would you say that?” Emily asked, picking up on some bitterness. She was exploring the kitchen having said she’d make the coffee, but she still wasn’t sure where everything was.
; “Because I think Kevin likes to have the place all to himself.”
“Then why does he keep talking about getting Paul involved? I thought he’d even offered Robert a job.”
“Robert knows better than to get too involved with the family. Being married to one of us is enough. He doesn’t want to work with us as well.”
“I can’t say I blame him for that. Very few families are so perfect that you want to spend all your time with them.” Emily kept her back to Collin still opening and closing doors.
“Okay Kevin’s not that bad. He just knows I don’t enjoy it as much as he does.” He pointed to a cupboard above her head. He was about to stand up and help her when Emily climbed onto the counter with practiced ease. It was something she’d done in almost every house she’d lived in.
She poked around for a bit before she hopped back down holding the coffee beans and the coffee pot. Collin was old fashioned in some ways, but not about his coffee. She was surprised on her first visit to find he had a coffee grinder. “Really?” Emily stopped what she was doing to give Collin her full attention. It was the first time he’d ever really opened up about his job, though she’d gotten the impression a long time ago that he wasn’t really happy with it.
“Yeah. Oh there are parts I don’t mind. I don’t mind keeping the books and I don’t mind talking to customers. I just don’t like selling to customers. I don’t have the salesman personality.”
“Do you ever think about doing something else?” She asked it absently as she moved to pour the beans out, but she was focused on his answer.
“Sometimes. Sometimes I think about buying houses and fixing them up, or buying an old cottage out away from the city. I like working with my hands. It gives me more of a sense of accomplishment.”
“On lots of land so we could have animals,” she said half dreamily, half joking.
“Yeah,” Collin agreed.
“Maybe we could.” She kept her back to him, knowing she would scare him off the subject if she were too serious about it. Also not sure it was a subject she actually wanted to talk about herself.
“Maybe.” The smile faded from Collin’s face and she could hear it in his voice. It obviously wasn’t a dream he was ready to seriously consider and that was fine with her. “But for now this place could use some work of its own. I’ll see if I’m any good at it.”
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