“How old would you say it is?” It still amazed Emily to be around so many buildings with so much history. Most of the homes she’d lived in hadn’t been more than thirty years old, if that.
“I’d guess at least a hundred years old.” Collin’s smile returned when Emily seemed suitably impressed.
“It’s got a nice feel to it, doesn’t it?” she said, her eyes still roaming the room, taking it all in.
“Yeah, it does. But you never know, it might be haunted.” The twinkle was back in his eyes. “Better be nice to your Irish husband or the ghosts of Irish husbands past might get you.”
Emily watched as Collin headed out the door, sensing his lack of enthusiasm. She’d gotten up, still in her pajamas, to sit and have coffee with him. But after he left she contemplated going back to bed. The house felt empty without him.
They’d spent the day before picking up knickknacks and fixing the place up. Emily had strategically placed blankets and candles around the house making it more cozy. They bought shelves for the bathroom, which Collin had already installed, and a new end table for the sitting room. But these were all just things and despite putting on a brave face the day before Emily knew it would take time not material objects to make the place feel like home.
“I belong here,” Emily tried the words out to see how they sounded. But just the view through the sliding glass door seemed to mock her. Even the plants in her back garden were different, some unrecognizable. “I chose this,” she said with more determination. “I want this.” But she wasn’t sure who that I was. Inside she felt hollow. She was waiting to see what new person would inhabit her body. Who would the person who was comfortable with all these things be?
To fight off the loneliness she headed upstairs and sat on the bed. She could still smell Collin’s presence in the room. She could picture his sleepy face as he put on his nice pants and shirt for work. And for a minute she felt more grounded. She knew who she was to Collin. She was the woman he loved.
“But how long will he love you if you don’t get your shit together?”
Emily pulled the comforter, which Collin had said was actually called a duvet, over her and looked around feeling bewildered. She liked the nice simple lines of the place, the wooden floors, and the wooden shelves and dresser. The curtains and the bed coverings were all white. It made the place feel like a beach house. It had a peaceful air to it, but something wasn’t quite right.
Without intending to she stood and started rummaging through the pile of clothes that had accumulated on the floor. She was half way through sorting the darks from the lights when she realized what she was doing. She was cleaning. It was an old ritual she couldn’t shake. Something she’d started as a child. Whenever they moved she spent the whole first day unpacking her things and putting them exactly where she wanted them, giving everything a place. She couldn’t relax until she was done. It made her feel more settled and secure. After Jeremy died she started cleaning on a more and more regular basis. As if by putting everything where it belonged she might not notice the biggest thing missing.
“Here we go again,” she said with amusement. She’d learned to have a sense of humor about it.
The task became enjoyable once she was committed to it. She turned on the little stereo in the bedroom and started singing her way through it. She folded clothes that were still clean, putting them away lovingly. The rest she tossed into one of the two growing piles. She went through an unpacked suitcase of hers containing her favorite books and cds placing them on the shelves Collin had left empty for her, along with the few other essentials she hadn’t been able to leave behind. Soon everything but the bed and the laundry were organized and Emily felt satisfaction ease its way into her.
But when it came to actually washing the clothes the enjoyment faded. Again she was faced with how different things were. Emily bundled everything up and carried them downstairs to the kitchen. Then she stared at their little washer-and-dryer-in-one knowing it would only hold about half of what she was used to.
“Shit.” The word slipped out, surprising her. But she liked the sound of it.
“This sucks,” she reiterated her annoyance with more feeling.
With determined aggravated movements she rifled through the pile deciding on the most needed things and chucking them in. She pressed the on button and waited for something to happen. But it didn’t. She turned it off then pressed the on button again. Nothing. She repeated this a couple more times including a couple of whacks to the machine that only hurt her knuckles. Then eventually she started turning dials and pressing more buttons until she finally heard a slow trickle of water making its way into the machine.
She sat on her kitchen floor dumbfounded. This was nothing like the huge washing machines she was used to that could hold pretty much anything you wanted to put into them. When they were switched on they almost instantly flooded with water inspiring confidence in the whole washing process. This machine chugged along for a little while and then stopped as if it were already tired. Then it slowly spun the clothes a little more.
Emily headed back upstairs feeling her annoyance intensify. Things weren’t right. They weren’t necessarily wrong, but they weren’t right. And she was tired of being calm and peaceful about it. She didn’t feel like taking things in stride. She was pissed off and there was no one around she had to hide it from. She thundered up the stairs looking for something else to take her aggression out on.
The unmade bed became her next victim. At five foot one their queen size bed was not an easy task for her. But she threw her whole body into it, attacking it with fervor, and swearing louder and louder as she went.
“God damn fucking covers,” she let the words tumble out over each other knowing the bed had nothing to do with her anger.
“Stupid country! Nothing in this fecking place makes any sense,” she all but yelled as her eyes narrowed and she looked for her next task. She had switched to the Irish form of swearing without even noticing.
As she cleaned she began a mumbling mantra of anger. She condemned the bedroom, the house, the hallway, and the kitchen as she moved through them with vacuum cleaner, then broom, then mop. She cursed Collin for falling in love with her and herself for thinking she deserved him. Each room she entered was scrubbed and dusted and stripped of any dirt. It was the only thing she could fight against, the only way she could let out all her newly emerging anger.
“All I ever wanted was a place to fit in, a place to call home. That’s all I ever wanted! I finally get a chance to start all over and she takes that away too!!”
As soon as the words were out the anger drained from her. Instead a look of shock, something she would have found comical were she someone else, came over her. Her mouth hung open and her eyes went wide, her limbs became paralyzed in mid -movement. She hadn’t even realized why she was so angry.
Again Emily pictured her mother’s face the day after the wedding, the sadness and the regret seemed more prominent. It was the same look her mother had worn the day she dropped Emily off at college. It clearly showed she knew she’d made mistakes and had lost the time to make amends for them.
A lump came to Emily’s throat and she fought to keep the tears at bay. “Why now? All I wanted was a clean break. Did she have to ruin that too?”
Emily slumped down onto her newly cleaned kitchen floor. She leaned against the cupboards pulling her knees to her chest and she felt like the last fifteen years of her life hadn’t happened. She was a child again crying over the same things she’d always cried about. Why had her father left her and why didn’t her mother love her.
But her mother did love her and that was almost as upsetting. She wanted a new life, a new start. She wanted everything from her past to go away. But then again some stubborn part of her didn’t want that at all.
“I can’t do this,” she mumbled into her arms. “I can’t do this.”
The tears started then and the frustration that had been intensifying all day finally fo
und release.
“Emily?”
For a minute she thought she was hearing things. She sat up, surprised to find she’d actually fallen asleep on the kitchen floor.
“Emily.”
She wiped at her eyes then looked up afraid of what she’d find only to have her fears confirmed. Of all the people to walk in on her in this state Collin’s sister represented the worst-case scenario.
“I’m sorry. Collin gave me a key to the house. I made scones and thought I’d drop some down. When you didn’t answer . . .”
Emily’s head turned from left to right and back again taking in the situation as Joni stepped further into the kitchen.
“The place looks great. You must’ve been cleaning all morning.”
“Yeah,” Emily agreed hesitantly. Already she felt the awkwardness becoming something palpable.
“I tried to tidy it up for the most part while you were away. But -.”
“Oh, you did. I mean it was. I mean thank you. It’s just something I do, to settle in you know.” As much as Emily strived for a level of competence around Joni she always felt she was falling short and that it was noticed and noted.
“Why don’t I make us a nice cup of tea? You could probably use it.” Without being told where anything was Joni made her way around the kitchen, pulling out mugs and tea bags and putting on the kettle. She kept her back pointedly to Emily giving her time to pull herself together.
“I’m sorry-,” Emily started to apologize as she rose and made her way towards the table.
“Hush,” Joni said gently with her back still to Emily. Then in a purely conversational tone she added, “You must be a little overwhelmed right now what with all the changes you’re adjusting to.”
“I must seem. . . .”
“You’re grand,” Joni cut in.
But Emily was aware of the tear stains that were still on her face. She sat down awkwardly and waited to be served in her own kitchen.
“It’s not often I get a day like you’ve had, when the kids and Robert are out of the way and I can get everything organized. And if Robert does take them away on a Saturday afternoon he acts like he’s done me a huge favor.”
“I can’t imagine.” Emily struggled for the same casual tone Joni was using.
“No,” Joni agreed a little too quickly for Emily’s liking. “And you won’t have to, not for a while anyway. And when you do eventually have kids you’ll have Collin. He’s a big help. Not the type to shirk responsibilities.”
“I know,” Emily agreed. But as she felt normality returning she found herself resenting the way Joni was pointing these things out to her.
Joni joined her at the table sitting across from her. They both added milk and sugar to their tea and the silence of the moment lingered.
“It was nice of you to buy the groceries for us,” Emily said, searching for conversation.
Joni’s eyebrows drew together.
“The shopping,” Emily corrected herself.
“Oh. It was nothing. Collin would’ve done the same for me.”
Emily nodded. It was the brusque tone she realized that bothered her. She talked about Collin as if he belonged to her. And she moved around the house as if that too were hers.
“Have you talked to your family yet? You must miss them already,” Joni said, taking a sip of her tea.
Emily practically winced and hoped it wasn’t noticed. “Not yet. I just haven’t had a chance.”
Joni put the mug down and her eyes seemed to penetrate into Emily’s thoughts. “Oh. I see.”
“I mean I just wanted to get a little more settled in before I called.”
Joni’s expression warmed and Emily was surprised by the effect it had on her. “Of course,” she said with understanding. “You want to sound relaxed and happy when you call, so they don’t worry about you.”
“Yeah,” Emily agreed with the offered excuse.
“It’s hard settling into someplace new. I remember that from moving to London.”
“How long were you there for?” It was hard picturing Joni, the dutiful daughter, mother, and sister, as a young woman trying things out in a new big city. But Emily was eager for any conversation that took the spotlight of her.
“Three years.” Something softened in Joni’s expression and her eyes grew distant. “I was so determined and so ready for it. I was going to know London like the back of my hand, to conquer it and have a blast. But I didn’t know anyone.” Her glance connected with Emily’s for the first time. “It’s not as much fun being in an exciting city when you don’t have anyone to talk to. The first two months were horrible. And my first flat, Christ, I felt like I was intruding on the roaches they’d made such a home of it.”
Emily smiled her first genuine smile of the day. Collin was always talking his sister up but this was the closest she’d ever come to having a personal conversation with her. Emily searched for something to say to keep things flowing.
But Joni seemed content to let the silence descend. She took a sip of her tea, holding the mug between her hands as if using it as a shield to keep Emily at bay. When she did put it down she did it with determination. “This is ridiculous Emily and I’m sorry. You probably know the truth as well as I do. This isn’t just a social call. I’m being a nosey sister-in-law. I haven’t even given you one full day to settle in and I’m down here to check things out. I could say I just wanted to make you feel welcome, but I doubt you’d believe me. And you’d have every right not to. I haven’t made things easy for you.”
The words came out so quickly Emily had to really pay attention to understand what was being said. That and the fact that they were things she’d guessed at before but could never quite prove and had thought herself paranoid to believe. Joni stopped talking long before it all sunk in.
The tea was back in her hands and Joni was waiting for some kind of response but Emily just sat in silence blinking and looking confused.
“It’s just that it’s Collin,” Joni said defensively, as if that explained everything. But when Emily continued to stare blankly she was forced to elaborate. “I love Kevin but we’re not particularly close. And I adore Paul but he’s the baby. The one who really could and probably will break away. I wish him all the luck in the world and realize I have to let him go. But Collin, well . . . . he’s mine.” For once Joni didn’t seem so confident. She looked down at the table as she continued on. “He’s the one that helps. He’s the one I can always call. He’s the one-.”
“But Joni I’m not trying to take him away from you. I could be there to help too.”
“You say that now. But what if one day you decide to up and move back home and you take him with you.” Joni lifted her head and her eyes bore into Emily’s. “Can you really promise me you won’t do that?” Her tone was openly hostile.
It was more than Emily was prepared for. The whole day seemed to be getting out of control. Joni was laying all her cards out on the table and coming on top of everything else it was just too much to handle. Something snapped and Emily felt a shifting inside her. Her back straightened with indignation and her lips pressed together in a tight frown. She finally had someone to direct some of her own anger at. It wasn’t for Joni to judge what happened with her and Collin. And it wasn’t for anybody but Collin to decide what was best for him. Besides which Emily thought she’d made it quite clear that she’d chosen to stay in Ireland. It was a hard enough decision to make without having people second-guessing it all the time.
Joni smiled as she watched Emily’s transformation taking place and her cat like eyes narrowed in concentration. “Yes. That’s better. Collin told me you were stronger than I realized.”
The anger had already begun to build and Emily didn’t feel like being placated so easily. “Just because I’ve been a guest in other people’s homes every time I’ve come here and I’ve tried to be polite in that situation does not mean I’m a pushover,” she said in a low angry voice. “I won’t have you backing me into a corner in
my own house. I’ve noticed the way you watch me. I know I’m being judged. But none of this is any of your business. It’s between Collin and myself. I’m not trying to come between the two of you. In fact I’d like to be friends with you. But you make it very difficult with your attitude. I have no intensions of leaving Ireland unless you drive me out of here and that’s because I actually have a rather shitty relationship with my own family and I like the way your family interacts. When you’re not bullying people around that is. So if you could get off my back maybe we might actually be able to get along.” Emily wasn’t sure if she was addressing the right points. But it didn’t matter anymore. These were the pressures she’d felt since her first visit to Ireland and she needed to get them out.
“I know,” Joni said calmly.
“I’m not just an American and I’m getting tired of being looked at that way. I’m a person who happens to love your brother.”
“I know,” Joni repeated.
“And you’re not the only one who’s had a shitty life. I’m sorry you lost your mom and I realize your brother is important to you but at least you had both your parents around for a while. My dad didn’t even stick around to say hello but I can still find the time to show compassion for other people and not get so caught up in my own shit.” It was on the tip of Emily’s tongue to mention Jeremy as well, but she didn’t feel like exposing something so personal while she was upset.
Joni was unperturbed by Emily’s anger. If anything she seemed to be enjoying it.
“Would you wipe that stupid smile off your face, goddamn it,” Emily all but yelled, surprising even herself.
The smile did leave Joni’s face, but only briefly. She and Emily exchanged a look of shock, acknowledging that things had gone further than intended. Then Joni started to laugh.
Emily’s face grew pale and stricken. “I’m so sorry Joni. I didn’t mean . . . that was horrible . . .”
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