Jeremy’s face became more serious. “Okay. This I can understand.”
“Well then?”
“Give me a minute.”
Emily stared intently at the fire, occasionally lifting her drink to her mouth while her mind raced.
“She’s a woman who was hurt. Hurt more than she could explain. She was in love with a man who walked away from her. And it crushed her.” Jeremy’s forehead creased in a way very similar to Collins when he was deep in thought. Emily noticed and wondered if it had always been that way or if she was beginning to change her image of him.
“But who was she to me?” Emily interrupted impatiently. She’d been over that first part too many times. “Why wasn’t she ever there for me? Why did she always have to stay so far away?”
Instead of Jeremy’s voice images began to float through her head. The time when she was four and a bee stung her. Rather than going to her mom’s open arms she ran straight to Jeremy. The time she won the second place medal in swimming and her mom clapped proudly. Emily had looked her full in the face and then looked pointedly away. The day, five months after Jeremy’s death, when her mom got up early just to make her homemade oatmeal and she refused to eat it.
A shiver of guilt and regret traveled down Emily’s spine. “How many of those things did I forget about?”
“Too many,” Jeremy said solemnly.
“But she was distant!” Emily protested defensively. “I remember times when she pulled away from me.”
“Maybe she just didn’t know how. Maybe she always loved you but she didn’t know how to show it. She did lose the only man she ever loved after all. Maybe she thought she would lose you too.”
Her drink was gone and her sadness had a fuzzy glow to it. She rested her head in her hand and tried to casually brush away the tears that were forming. It was all too complicated.
“Emily?”
She looked up startled.
“Joseph?”
Collin’s dad smiled down warmly at her. “A Guinness and whatever she’s having Frank,” he called out to the barman.
“Sure thing Joseph.”
“I didn’t expect to find you here,” Joseph said as he took a seat across from her.
Emily still looked confused.
“Frank’s an old friend of mine. He’s owned this bar for years. We used to spend a lot of Saturday’s here, Colleen and I. I still stop in for a drink now and then just to say hi. Nothing the kids really need to know about,” he said with a wink.
Emily smiled shyly.
“And I won’t tell anyone I found you here either,” his voice turned conspiratorial.
“Thanks.” She hadn’t thought about hiding her visit to the pub but it seemed like the right thing to say.
“So what’re you doing here?”
Emily lifted a pant leg that was still quite damp. “I thought I’d go for a walk. Do a little exploring. Turned out not to be such a great idea. This was the first place I found when I realized how wet I was.”
Joseph chuckled. “I see. That’s Ireland for you. But I admire your attempt.”
“I needed to get out of the house.” Emily wondered if her voice sounded as desperate as she’d felt.
“That’s understandable. You can’t spend every day stuck inside. You’re in a new place. ‘Course you’d want to check it out.”
The drinks were delivered and they sipped in silence for a while but Emily didn’t feel uncomfortable. She liked Joseph. She liked the idea of him being her father-in-law. She liked the idea of having a father-in-law and having a real attachment to the word father.
“So is the rain what’s got you down?”
Emily looked up in mid-sip, caught. Her mind searched frantically for the right lie and then Joseph’s eyes met her own.
“No. It has nothing to do with the rain,” she answered honestly. “In fact it has nothing to do with Ireland though I think I’m worrying Collin.”
Joseph didn’t push her, he sat waiting patiently for her to elaborate in the same way Collin would have. Their expressions were even similar. It softened some part inside of her. “Joseph, what did you think of my mom?”
“I thought she was lovely,” Joseph answered without hesitation. “She seemed very sad about losing you, but lovely.”
Emily could feel the second drink taking hold of her. The need to talk about what was going on in her head intensified. “Did Collin ever tell you about my dad?”
Joseph looked her straight in the face showing no discomfort about the subject. “He said he left before you were born. Can’t imagine how a father could do it. But I s’pose it’s easier before you see a baby’s face. He wouldn’t’ve been able to leave if he’d held you in his arms first.”
“I’d like to believe that,” Emily said softly.
“Then believe it. I remember when Colleen was pregnant with Joni. I was terrified. There I was newly married, trying to start a business, and about to be responsible for a family. It’s very scary.”
“But you didn’t run away.”
“No. But I thought about it once or twice,” he said with a chuckle.
“But you didn’t,” Emily repeated stubbornly.
“Emily, is this about your father?”
Emily shrugged her shoulders. “Not really. Maybe. I don’t know. It’s about my mom more. We, well we haven’t been on good terms for a very long time.” She let out a laugh that lacked any humor. “More like ever really. But before she left I could see how upset she was. And I’ve always blamed her for pushing me away, but I started to wonder how much I was pushing her away.”
Joseph nodded sympathetically.
“And then I began to wonder if I blamed her, well, for other things. If I was so mad at her when I was younger because I thought she pushed my dad away. And maybe my anger was what brought out her own.”
“It sounds like you’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.”
Emily rolled her eyes exaggeratedly trying to lighten the situation. “Constantly. I just don’t feel like I can move forward until I settle things from my past. I thought once I moved it would all go away, but it seems to be with me even more.”
“Why don’t you call her?’
“And say what?”
“Anything. Anything at all. I’m sure she’d be happy just to hear your voice.”
It was the way he spoke that she liked. The tone of his voice was gentle but firm. His movements echoed it, slow but sure. They implied a hidden strength. Emily guessed that he didn’t say things lightly.
“How did you get to be so smart Joseph?” she asked. “The way you talk to people, you really listen. It feels like you understand.”
He smiled. His lips barely turned up but his eyes lit his whole face. “I learned it from Colleen. She was an amazing woman. So patient. So tolerant. And yet she seemed to bring out the best in people, as if they knew she’d see through anything less. Sometimes I wonder how the kids would’ve turned out if she’d lived. Sometimes I feel like I botched the job a bit.”
“But you’ve done an amazing job with your kids,” Emily protested.
Joseph nodded accepting the praise, but not necessarily believing it. “Don’t get me wrong. I love my kids. And I’m very proud of them. All of them. But there are certain qualities their mother could have given them that I just wasn’t able to.”
“Like what?” Emily was thankful to be pulled out of her own worries for a while. It was refreshing to hear Joseph’s, to find out that someone like him had big worries and regrets too. And she couldn’t help her eagerness to learn more about Collin’s family.
“Oh, well . . . . ” Joseph paused as if he might not continue. He looked around and took his time thinking about his answer before he met Emily’s eyes. “She could have curbed Kevin’s competitive nature,” he said eventually. “Sometimes I think he sees money more than people when customer’s walk in the door. It’s all a big game to him and he has to win. But at least he has Laura.” His eyes grew soft when he
mentioned her name. “She’s good for him. She brings out a side of him not everyone gets to see.” Joseph took a long sip of his Guinness before he continued. “And I wish Joni could relax more. She was forced into so much when Colleen died. It was hard on her and I blame myself for that. I shouldn’t have let her take so much of it on. It’s made her too uptight. She had her wild time in London. She couldn’t wait to run off. But she never really learned how to relax. Colleen should have been there for her to talk to. How was Joni supposed to tell her old dad what she was feeling, what she needed.”
As Joseph’s hand reached for his Guinness again the pained look on his face eased. “Paul’s doing alright. Of course he’s the youngest. I don’t know how much all of it affects him. But he’s headstrong and seems to be making his own way.”
“And Collin?” Emily pushed.
“Collin.” Joseph sighed. “Collin forgot how to dream. He used to dream such beautiful dreams. He would tell my wife stories and she would tell them to me later. He used such vivid details. He lost that when she died. He lost his faith in things.” His eyes caught and held Emily’s. “But something about you is bringing it back. I can see it, the way he looks at you. He wants to believe in things again. He wants that in his life.”
“Not lately,” Emily said, pulling her eyes away.
“And what d’you mean by that?”
“Lately I feel like I’m just depressing him,” Emily confessed.
Joseph chuckled. “To be young again. You feel so alive but you take so much for granted.” His expression sobered. “Relationships are work. They’re the good and the bad. I know the way the kids and I talk about Colleen you’d think she was some kind of saint, but she had a temper too. We just got most of our fighting out of the way when we were still young. The kids didn’t see much of it. But we had our ups and downs too.”
“Really?” Emily’s eyes narrowed in disbelief.
“Really. You have to have some of that to have the spark. You and Collin are new. You just have to learn each other’s ways. Don’t forget how to talk to each other just because you aren’t using the phone anymore.”
Joseph walked Emily along the quay and across the bridge up to her new home. Their pace was slow and comfortable. Every now and again she bumped up against him and enjoyed the feel of his long arm there to steady her. It made her feel like a protected child.
“Joseph.” She said his name out, waiting for the courage to ask the question that had been on her mind for a while.
“Yes, Emily.”
“Did you ever talk to Colleen? I mean, after she died?”
“Yes.”
“Did you talk to her often?”
Joseph looked down at Emily curiously. “Not at first. At first it was too hard. But then I would visit her grave and tell her how much I missed her, tell her how the kids were doing. Then when something funny happened, when I was finally able to laugh again, I often felt like I was sharing the joke with her, like she was still with me.”
“Do you still talk to her?”
Joseph shrugged. “I s’pose. Sometimes I think things that I guess are directed at her, but I don’t carry her around with me the way I used to.”
“Oh.”
“Why?”
“Just wondering.” They arrived at the door then and Emily changed the subject. “Would you like to come in and see what we’ve done with the place? Have a cup of tea?”
-
Joseph smiled contentedly to himself as he shut the door behind him. Now he understood what Joni was talking about. Emily did have a different way about her. His daughter had called it weird, but Joseph wouldn’t have used that word. He preferred to think of Emily as interested. And when she directed her interested eyes on someone it was hard not to open up. She didn’t do it as if she intended any harm or as if she were being nosey. She just seemed to have a real fascination with people. And as she was just as open with her own life it was hard not to be with her. But what amused Joseph was the way it annoyed Joni and attracted Collin. Neither of them seemed to realize how much their mother had been like that.
-
Collin came home to find Emily curled up on the couch with a fire going. It was exactly where he expected to find her and his mood sank. He sighed but tried to brighten his expression before she saw it.
“How was your day?” he asked.
Emily stood to give Collin a hug and a lingering kiss. “Interesting.”
It wasn’t the answer he’d expected.
“Can I make you a cup of tea?” she offered. She disappeared into the kitchen without revealing any more details, knowing he would follow after.
Collin took off his tie and ran his fingers through his damp hair. “What did you do today?”
Emily opened the cupboard and pulled out two teacups. “I went for a walk.”
“In this weather?”
She turned on the kettle and dropped the tea bags in the cups before turning to look at him. “Yes. Not my brightest idea. So I found a pub.”
“Really?” Collin sat down at the table, disbelief written all over his face. “Did you have a coffee?”
Emily pulled out the milk and the sugar bowl. She was enjoying this. “No Collin. I did not go to the pub to have a coffee. I had a drink.”
“What did you have?”
Emily smiled at the thought of it. “A hot port. It was delicious too. We should get some for around the house. It’ll be a great drink for the winter.”
“Did you talk to anyone?” Collin wrapped his hands around the warm cup Emily handed him but he showed no real interest in it. His eyes were following her closely. He looked delighted.
Emily remembered she wasn’t supposed to mention seeing Joseph right before she spoke. “Just some old man. He was very nice.”
“What bar was it?”
“I think it was called Kennedy’s.”
“Down near the quay? Kind of an older bar a bit old fashioned? All the tables and chairs are wood and there’s a fireplace,” Collin perked up digging for details. “The bartender would’ve been probably in his fifties.”
“Yeah, that’d be the one,” Emily said absently.
“I used to go there with my parents when I was a kid. I know that sounds funny to you, but that’s how they did it here. No one could afford babysitters so all the kids were brought along. Funny that you’d go in there.”
Collin took a sip of his tea and Emily enjoyed watching his dumbfounded expression.
“You thought I sat on that couch all day didn’t you?” she eventually accused him.
Collin blushed. “Well . . . .”
“Uh-hu.” Emily kissed him again, reveling in the advantage of taking him off guard. She refused to admit to herself how much of a possibility doing just that had been.
Emily enjoyed the feeling of lying naked next to Collin, feeling his body against hers. She knew that eventually she’d take these simple pleasures for granted but as it was the memories of countless nights spent alone in Chicago missing him were too fresh. “Are you awake?” she asked.
“Hmmm?”
“It’s only ten Collin. You can’t be asleep already.”
“Did you want to watch t.v. er something?” he mumbled, moving his arm around her and pulling her close.
“No. I want you to tell me a story.” Emily’s fingers toyed with the few hairs on his chest while she waited to see if she’d made a mistake.
Collin turned just enough to look at her. “A story?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t think so Em.”
“Well then maybe just describe something for me,” Emily pushed. “Tell me what an old Irish cottage would be like.”
“You were in one on the Aran Islands.”
“Yeah but that was somebody else’s. Tell me about the one you’d like. The one we’d have.”
Collin sighed. “You’re not going to let me fall asleep yet are you?”
“Nope.”
“Okay. Let’s see,” Collin
thought about it for a minute. “It would be white of course. A nice whitewashed cottage that we’d keep in good condition. We’d have to have a good amount of land with it. There’s no point having it if you’re too cramped up with no land. The front yard would have a nice lawn with maybe some flowers and a path of cobblestones leading up to the door . . . . . and the back would be large with a vegetable garden and a shed where I could go to get away from you sometimes,” he said with a chuckle.
“Excuse me?” Emily feigned indignation.
“You could bring me in tea while I was working on my projects.” He patted her arm placatingly. “And maybe some scones and-.”
“What kind of projects?” Emily interrupted.
“I don’t know yet. But I’d have to have projects.”
“And inside?”
“Inside we’d have a nice big fireplace to have all our guests around. Lots of wooden furniture, kind of like Orla and Brendan have, a big kitchen and three or four bedrooms. We’d have to search for a while before we found the perfect furniture for all the rooms. Maybe some old chests and such.”
“Could we have flower boxes in the windows?”
“Sure, you can be in charge of those. And you’d learn to cook wonderful Irish meals and I’d keep you barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.”
Emily pinched Collin playfully. “Is that really how you see me?”
Collin laughed. “No Em, but this is all just make believe anyway.”
“It doesn’t have to be,” Emily insisted.
“Well then how would I get to work?”
“You could get a different job.”
“Doing what?” Collin wasn’t amused anymore.
Emily shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Exactly, because there isn’t another job for me,” Collin’s voice became hard. His arm was still around Emily but it had gone stiff and cold. It was worse than if he’d pulled away. “There’s no point playing these let’s pretend games. We’re here Em. I have a good job. We have a nice house.”
“I know,” Emily said softly.
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