“So let’s just be happy with what we have. Okay?” His tone left no room for further discussion.
But that was the problem. Emily knew he wasn’t happy.
Chapter 6
Emily sat curled up on the couch with a blanket over her and a book in her hands feeling she’d earned a bit of down time. She’d spent the last week exploring the city one area at a time. Not that there was that much to Cork city, but she’d made a point of trying out many of the different cafés and pubs. She’d found bookstores and explored some smaller art galleries as well. It wasn’t like Chicago. All the attractions weren’t so obvious; they had to be found. But that made it more interesting. Then when Collin came home she’d tell him about her exploits each day. He seemed to enjoy hearing her talk about his home city so she made a point of mentally taking notes as she walked around.
It was only at the end of the week that she allowed herself to go back to Kennedy’s. It was the treat she’d saved for herself. And she was delighted to find Joseph there, sitting at the table by the fire, almost as if he were expecting her. The conversation remained light this time as Emily told him about her week. Joseph listened with his warm interested stare, but as four o’clock rolled around she noticed him glancing at his watch a bit more regularly. Eventually she excused herself wondering if she was keeping him or boring him. But he said it was great to see her and to stop by again next week for a chat.
As she stepped back outside she wondered what he was up to at four. Then she shook her head, annoyed with herself. She was being nosey again. She pushed her curiosity away and turned her thoughts to what she and Collin would do over the weekend.
That was decided as soon as Collin walked through the door. “We’re going on a pub-crawl,” he announced as he bounded up the stairs pulling off his tie. “You’ve seen Cork by day. Now it’s time to see it by night.”
And that was that.
They went from some of the nicest classiest bars to some of the dingier dives and did the in betweens as well. They only stayed for one drink at each place and Emily soon learned to order half pints instead of pints. Collin was on a mission and she was having a hard time keeping up. But it was fun. They laughed as they stumbled down the streets giving each place their own personal rating. At first it was a simple system; they decided whether they liked a place or not. As they continued on they judged pints (Collin was in charge of that), toilets (Emily covered that one), furnishings, and ambiance. They tried to come up with a rating scale but things were getting confused at that point. Collin was all but carrying Emily home by the end of the night.
And the following morning when Emily was ready to curl up and die he insisted that the only cure for them was the hair of the dog. She would have stood her ground refusing if he hadn’t decided to take her to The Franciscan Well. It was nearby and had a closed roof beer garden where Collin could smoke and Emily would still be warm enough. The fact of the matter was she felt like shit and was willing to try almost anything to get rid of her headache.
But when Sunday came around and the Heaven’s opened and the rain came down as if it would flood the place Emily got her way. They popped in movies and spent the day in front of the fire and the t.v.
The rain was still coming down when Collin headed off to work on Monday morning in his usual foul mood and Emily had no intention of stepping out into it. Besides which, she had work to do. It had been fair enough to put off the thank you notes for a little while. Everyone would understand that she was acclimating to her new home, but they’d only understand for so long.
So she got the fire going, still in her pajamas, pulled the blankets around her and began. She did the easiest ones first. She’d bought a few fancy cards that she could just sign and send off without too much fuss. She’d bought some like that for Collin’s side of the family as well. She intended to make him sit down and do them himself and figured he wouldn’t be writing too many long messages. She even addressed the envelopes for him to make it less intimidating. But there were a handful of people she needed to sit down and write full out letters for. As much as they argued about some things Emily did appreciate the values her mother had instilled in her and that included being a respectful and appreciative person.
It was a joy to write Helen’s, her best friend since college. She hadn’t made it over for the wedding because she was pregnant with her first child but she had sent a very thoughtful gift. In a card she had sent money for the wedding couple. But in a light package she’d sent a stuffed Winnie-the-Pooh bear to make Emily feel more at home. It was childish but Helen knew Emily well enough to know it would be appreciated. “Silly ol’ bear,” Emily had pronounced delightedly upon opening it while hugging it close. Collin had looked on with a bemused expression but chose not to comment.
Then there was Bridget who’d flown over for the wedding. Emily had worked with her in Chicago and they’d grown very close in the past year before Emily moved away. Emily couldn’t thank her enough for her help with the wedding preparations. Bridget had followed Emily calmly through the streets of Cork soothing her fragile nerves every time she’d gotten flustered and making sure everything was taken care of right down to the final details the day of the wedding. Emily praised her up and down for her patience and her sense of humor that had kept it fun.
By mid-afternoon all but two of the cards were done. Emily found herself wandering into the kitchen and dumping her cold tea. She would need something stronger for these. As she dug through the frige loose strands of dirty hair that had escaped her ponytail reminded her of her unwashed state. It would be the first time Collin came home to find her still in her pajamas but she couldn’t be bothered to do anything about it.
She hesitated for a moment as she remembered the weekend she’d had. Just the day before she’d sworn off alcohol for the week to come. But the task ahead of her was too intimidating. She carried the bottle back out to the couch and struggled with the cork for a couple minutes before curling up under her blankets. She had to admit she enjoyed the sound of the liquid filling the glass.
Holding the white wine up to the firelight Emily swirled it around trying to decide what kind of mood she was in. She’d come to love having her own place in Chicago where she was allowed to set the tone for her day. Her childhood world had been ruled by the moods of two women. Emotions had always been strong in the houses they’d inhabited. That’s what had made Emily long for peaceful relationships in the friendships she made later. But just thinking of those two women could still stir the old feelings.
“Your mother is a whack job,” Aunt Carolyn said as she inhaled deeply from a cigarette and stared out the window.
Emily wasn’t sure exactly what that meant but she knew it wasn’t something nice. She was torn between agreeing and standing up for her mom.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. I know you know.” Aunt Carolyn looked her straight in the eye in a very unnerving way.
“How do I look?”
“Beautiful Emily,” Aunt Carolyn smiled back proudly.
“Thank you for taking me shopping. Whenever I go with Mom it turns into a huge fight.”
“I know. You’re mom asked me to take you. She wanted you to enjoy it.”
“You mean she didn’t want to deal with me.”
There was a flit of another memory, something elusive and hard to hold onto. Something happy. Jeremy had left his women to go out on his first real date and all three of them felt the lack of his presence. Emily popped a movie into the VCR and without saying anything Aunt Carolyn made a bowl of popcorn, and her mom pulled out pillows and blankets. They found themselves all sitting together on the couch smiling at some Julia Roberts movie.
Emily looked down at the blank space on the card wondering how to fill it. She hadn’t just lost Jeremy when he died, she’d lost her aunt as well. Four months to the day after the funeral, without a word of explanation, Aunt Carolyn packed up two large suitcases, put them into the trunk of her car, and disappeared.
A week later postcards started arriving in the mail, postcards from all over the U.S. Then they started arriving from other countries.
“But how can she afford it?” Emily had asked her mom. Their little family unit had never been a rich one.
“It’s Jeremy’s college fund. She put away all the money from his dad’s life insurance policy and kept adding to it. She had enough to pay for him straight through graduate school.”
Aunt Carolyn reappeared three years later with Keith at her side. Emily’s mom had just started dating Hank and for once when the sister’s saw each other they exchanged real smiles. But when Aunt Carolyn looked at Emily the smile faded and her face grew troubled. Emily understood without it being explained. She reminded her aunt too much of Jeremy.
Keith had two children of his own and had lost his wife to breast cancer five years previously. His children, tired of seeing him stuck in a depressing routine, had saved up to send him on a trip to Rome and that’s where he’d met Aunt Carolyn. It didn’t take her long to throw herself completely into his family. At first she made an attempt to see Emily and her mom for some of the holidays. Then she would visit about once a year and then even less. She still showed up for Emily’s high school graduation and her college graduation but every time she saw Emily the look remained.
Aunt Carolyn had heard all about Collin from Emily’s mother and was delighted for her but had opted not to come to Emily’s wedding. For a present she sent a card as a voucher for a weekend in Paris saying whenever Emily and Collin were ready to go she would arrange all the details. She explained that it was the place that had healed her the most. She apologized for her absence at the wedding and asked Emily to forgive her. She wrote that she wanted it to be the happiest day of Emily’s life and knew that her presence would only remind both of them of who was missing.
And that’s how it was. They still loved each other but they were just too aware around each other of the gap that couldn’t be filled.
Emily started the letter with the words she knew her aunt needed to see the most. “You are forgiven completely and didn’t need to ask.”
The first glass of wine was gone by the time Emily finished writing. There was only one more to go.
Emily stood to build up the fire and refilled her glass of wine. She looked over her letter to her aunt and felt happy with it. She pulled out the nicest of the cards, the one meant for her mom and Hank and wondered if she could do this too. Stalling for time she addressed the envelope first.
“You are forgiven completely.” She repeated the words she’d written to her aunt and tried to visualize her mom. She could understand, accept, and forgive her aunt. But the words just didn’t come out right when she pictured her mom. She could not forgive her, not completely. She could thank her. She could thank her for helping her with the details such as invitations and flower arrangements and for buying the dress. All of these were things that had helped to make it the best day of her life. But she couldn’t forgive her mom for the past. And she wasn’t sure if she was angrier with her mom or herself for that.
Emily knew her mom had changed. In fact it had happened years ago. Around the time Hank came into her life. Something in her seemed to relax and let go. Even the features of her face seemed to change. The tightness that had always been there eased. And some part of Emily was thankful for that.
Hank had no children of his own and had always tried to treat Emily like family. It was something she would have embraced willingly had she been younger, and it was a gesture she still did appreciate, but at fifteen it just felt too late to really accept.
Just before Emily went off to college she knew her mom was really trying, doing her best to get Emily back. But Emily resented the fact that she’d lost Jeremy and her mom had found Hank. She refused to let things be fixed so easily. She still felt her mom had years to account for and she wasn’t going to let her off the hook so easily.
“So when does it end?” The newly emerging guilt Emily had been feeling intensified and she took another sip of wine. “How long will you make her suffer for mistakes from the past?”
Emily wrote the card out quickly telling herself that since it was for Hank as well it was acceptable not to make it too personal. She was thankful in it and even loving, but she knew she was also holding back and she couldn’t force herself to do more. She stuck it in the envelope, licked it, and sealed it.
And then she thought of all the other millions of things she would have liked to say.
Emily was almost done with her third glass of wine when Collin came home. The letters were piled up neatly next to her, as if she needed proof that she’d still accomplished something with her day.
“Well, well, well. And I thought you were sick of drink.”
She watched the movement she’d come to equate with Collin’s entrance, the tearing off of his tie, with a fuzzy head. She wanted to say that she in fact was sick of drink, but with the evidence stacked against her she couldn’t. A sick feeling grew in her stomach and for a moment she felt sick of everything: of ghosts from her past, of the newness of the present, of her mom, of drink, and even Collin. But when the last feeling shot through her she shivered and instinctively reached out for him. He was the only thing solid she had to hold onto. She needed him.
Chapter 7
Collin got ready for work in his usual grumpy state stumbling over his own shoes and mumbling curses to himself. Emily was awake but not enough to leave the comfort of the bed or acknowledge her husband’s mood. She managed to sit up and give him a sleepy smile and a kiss before he left but when the front door shut she pulled the covers tightly around herself and snuggled back under them. It was another grey morning and nothing about it felt enticing.
Two hours passed before Emily’s eyes popped open to stare at the clock again. She felt sluggish as she took in the glowing numbers. Then she snapped up in disbelief, only to remember that she had nowhere to be and nothing to do. She could lie in bed all day if she liked and it wouldn’t matter.
She managed to prop herself up and supported this way took another look out the window. The rain had stopped but the sky was still dark. It all felt so pointless. Even the rain.
“I want a thunderstorm,” she announced loudly into the room. “There’s never any thunder or lightning here. I want pouring torrential rains and thunder that shakes the buildings or I want it to stop and let the sun come out. What’s the point of all this in between shit? What’s the point?”
She couldn’t help it. She’d been so good the week before. She’d kept herself busy carrying the thought of Collin around with her as she explored the city, keeping Jeremy safely tucked away. But it was a struggle and she knew that that technique would only work for so long.
She could feel it building, the desire to conjure Jeremy up and have him with her. But oddly, as she felt herself doing it, a new feeling grew and she found she was as sick of that as she was everything else.
“I want something for me.” The words weren’t angry this time, just simply stated and true.
Last week had been hard. She’d felt pressured to keep coming home with interesting stories to tell for fear that when she ran out of them that sad look would reappear in Collin’s eyes. And she’d let him decide how their weekend would be spent following him from one pub to another. Not that she hadn’t enjoyed it, she had. But something about the franticness of it disturbed her. As if they were running from something instead of really enjoying themselves.
Emily’s hands came up to her face rubbing at her cheeks and her eyes as if she could erase things and start over. She was tired of expectations and she had had so many of them. Expectations of how married life would be, of how she and Collin would be, of how life in Ireland would be. But none of it was the way she’d thought it would be at all. It was work. If things were going to be okay she was going to have to fight for them. And that meant getting out of the bed.
It wasn’t like her to let life just sail on by. She missed having a purpose. She mi
ssed having people who expected her and friendly faces who recognized her. Writing the thank you notes had reminded her of all the people that used to be part of her everyday life. In Chicago at least four mornings a week she treated herself to a mocha and blueberry muffin at the Caribou Coffee. Either Michael or Jen always greeted her. They knew her order and would start getting it ready before she even stepped up to the counter. Sometimes if their breaks coincided with her visit they might even come over and chat with her. It was never anything deep, just about their college courses or the weather even, but she liked it. Emily hadn’t thought to say goodbye to them before she left and suddenly she regretted it. Suddenly she really missed the people she used to pass on her morning runs. The people she never said a word to but who would smile encouragingly as they too made their way along Lake Shore Drive. And she missed her customers, her regulars, the ones she called hers because they came in on her shifts and always sat in her section of the bar on a busy night. And of course she missed her friends. Emily wasn’t always talkative, but she was a great listener. When one of her friends had a problem they almost always came to her. It was because she was the kind of person they could call up in the middle of the night and she wouldn’t care. She’d invite them over for hot chocolate or a glass of wine and listen as long as they needed to talk.
Emily hated feeling like an impatient child, but that was something that was eating at her. Collin’s family didn’t know these things about her. No one but Collin knew these things about her and even he didn’t completely know her. It was as if she had to recreate her identity all over again. They were learning, but the learning seemed like such a slow process. Emily knew if she was making one new friend it wouldn’t bother her, that she would enjoy the getting to know you process, but when everyone was still getting to know her it was frustrating.
But sitting around in bed wasn’t exactly getting her any closer to the way she wanted things to be. Emily had always felt sorry for women who got married and devoted their whole lives to their husbands. She loved Collin, but she was her own person and she needed to decide what that person wanted from her new life. Collin might be afraid to dream up a new future for himself but she wasn’t. And if she had to drag him kicking and screaming into the life he really wanted that’s what she would do for him.
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