Helluva Luxe

by Essary, Natalie

  “Why are you really up here, Rorke?”

  I sighed. “Lily’s getting on a plane tomorrow.”

  Ash cocked her head.

  “Yeah. I had a feeling you didn’t know.” I sighed. “Sure you don’t want to let me in on this plan of yours? I’ve got plenty of ornery to go around.”

  “How well do you know Kendol’s sister?”

  “Z? Since she had a bio-level and parachute pants, why?”

  “Have a seat.”

  I did what the lady said. Then I lit us a smoke and watched her cue up the next song. She still looked completely relaxed.

  “Tell me what I need to know,” she said.

  “In order to accomplish what?”

  “Lily wants me to be her friend.” Ash flicked the cigarette like punctuation and handed it back to me.

  “You sure you wanna go there? Z doesn’t have friends.”

  Ash eyed me and took a drink.

  “You’re sure.” I sighed. “All right, let me see. Her real name is Wendy.”

  Ash started laughing.

  “Yeah, I know. She’s older than she looks, too. But not in the head. Trust fund princess, terrified of heights, has a cat named Perabo and a fancy for powder.”

  “Education?”

  “She went to college for fashion, but she dropped out to be a band promoter. The faster of the fast tracks. She hasn’t just been around the block, she’s a crossing guard.”

  “Is she straight?”

  “She’s looking for any kind of challenge. Lately, she seems to prefer the female kind. And the trickier, the better. She likes the chase. The games. No relationships. No public drama.”

  “Weakness?”

  “Kendol. Hands down. Always has been. No flower shortage in that attic. Something is off about her act, though. I’ve never been able to pin it down.”

  “Where are their parents?”

  “Who knows? They’re never around. Her mother married his dad. They’re snooty. They’re gray. They’re rich. They’re on permanent vacation. Probably wouldn’t mind seeing their two kids hook up, so they could keep the cash in the family.”

  “Anything else?”

  “Don’t trust her unless she stands to gain something.”

  Ash nodded. “Thank you, Rorke.”

  “This isn’t about friendship, is it?”

  She smirked and skipped the question.

  “I’ve replaced all the radios,” she said.

  “Not mine.” I took it off my belt to show her. “Mine’s the same one.”

  “Actually, it’s not.” She took it out of my hand. “Remember that time we tried to make grilled cheese with the blow torch?” I nodded, and she flipped my radio over to show me the back. The scorch mark was gone. “It’s a different radio. In more ways than one. Keep it between you and the kid.”

  I nodded, and she went on.

  “Everyone’s individual channel is the same. I’m still star eight. If you need to talk, do what you’ve always done. What has changed is that each radio now has a private listening feature. You can listen in without being detected by holding down the eight before you put in the channel. Like this.” She held down the eight and punched in Chance’s channel. All the sudden we heard ice bouncing off metal, and Chance said something derogatory to one of my girls. “You don’t have to worry about the others listening to you, because I’ve deactivated the feature on their radios.”

  I cleared my throat. “Are you telling me that Lily, Zayzl, and Wolf are bugged as long as they’re carrying a radio?”

  “And Evilyn. She’s on the temp.”

  I think my mouth fell open. This was so much better than the time we played Blow Torch Diner. Or the time we found the unopened box of blowup dolls ditched behind the dumpster downtown.

  “I had to find out who was for real, hon.”

  “No, I get it,” I said. “I just didn’t know you had it in you.”

  She shut Chance’s channel down. “I have your radio set so you’ll know when I’m listening. I’m not crossing any boundaries with you. And I’ve done the same with the kid’s. You’ll see a minus sign before my number in the bottom corner of your screen if I’m listening. Ready to rock and roll?”

  “With you?” I said. “Always.”

  I clapped her on the shoulder, took a deep breath, and left.

  Chance was holding down the fort. Sort of. My crew was trying to get him in a hula hoop. “This ain’t Hooters, bitches,” he said, flipping his shaker in the air. “I’m a man. You oughta get a load of my new wheels.”

  He held up a cocktail napkin with writing on it between two fingers while he poured a drink with the other hand. He wasn’t looking at me, but he was grinning like a maniac. I ducked under the bar and flicked his napkin. “Is this for real?”

  “Is this for real, she says…”

  My girls all started roaring.

  “You dog, you,” I said and roughed him up a little. “How’d you pull it off?”

  “I am that good.”

  “Well, I kneel at your boots. I’m not even freaked out about this, either. Here, kid.” I took the keys to the Dragon Chaser off my belt and handed them over. “She’s all yours. Treat her right.”

  He pushed the napkin into my hand. “Same to you, baby.”

  I looked down at the number next to Kate’s name. Realization kicked me in the gut, and my girls just lost it. Chance went on. “You’re her ride to the after-party. She said she might take off downtown for a while, so if you can’t find her when you’re ready to go, call her. That’s her cell.”

  My eyeballs fell out of my head and rolled across the bar.

  Chance winked and tossed his shaker again. “Wanna borrow my new car?”

  Chapter 25

  “Honey, if I had another ride, you could have that one, too,” I said. “Want one of my kidneys? How about some blood?”

  “You can feed my ego later. Here, drink up. We got company.”

  Chance handed me a shot glass, and I looked up to see Kendol leaning against the other end of my bar. He was dressed to match Lily. Unfortunately, that involved a walking stick. He looked ridiculous. I’m sure that was mostly because I was starting to hate him. Zombarbie wasn’t far behind, working her way through the crowd toward us.

  “Get him whatever he wants. Distract him. No matter what he says, be cool. If Wolverine and Iceman had a kid—you’re that guy.”

  “Want me to hit on him?”

  “Even better.”

  “Done. I’ll figure this twink out once and for all.”

  “Get after it, fanboy.”

  I grabbed the walkie-talkie and hit star eight.

  “Showtime.”

  “I’m on my way,” she said.

  “Ash… You knew about my date. Didn’t you?”

  I looked up at the booth, and I could see her million-dollar grin all the way across the dance floor. Again she said, “Baby, what were you thinking? You don’t put up the Chaser.”

  “I’m a bartender. I don’t need a fucking chaser.”

  This throaty laugh came through the tiny speaker. It made my hand tingle. “That kid’s a trick,” she said. “Hang onto him. Maybe you can win back your car.” She clicked off and leaned over the board to cue the next song. Then she turned and disappeared down the stairs.

  “Tomorrow Wendy” came on, and my heart tripped a little. I know what fans say that song is supposed to be about, and I get it. But I also dig the fact Wendy never dies today.

  I watched Ash walk across the dance floor. Her boots echoed through the bar, underneath the music, and she looked like she could rule the world.

  I got a little taste of Lily’s confidence.

  If anybody could make everything turn out okay, it was Ash. When she ducked under the starting gate, I noticed she had the cordless mic tucked in the back pocket of her red leather pants. She caught me looking. “Didn’t know you felt that way, bartender.” She winked and leaned around me, grabbed a beer from the cooler.
>
  “This from the woman who just grazed my nipple to get a beer.”

  She drew a point in the air.

  “What’s it take to get you outta those pants, DJ?”

  “So you can steal them?”

  “Exactly.” I gave her a pinch. “I saw the mic. Who’s up first?”

  “A guy playing his computer. Hackerd Hell.”

  “That’s only funny if you’re kidding.”

  “Don’t I wish,” she said. “He’s a friend of Zayzl’s. And if you were in an elevator, it would totally rock.”

  “Zayzl doesn’t have friends. And a guy with a computer is not a band.”

  “It is if we hide him behind a big fancy screen flashing pictures of ass.”

  “Good thing it’s early.”

  A smile spread across her face. She was watching Chance over my shoulder. “Is your boy going zero for two over there?”

  I followed her eyes and almost spit beer down the bar.

  Chance was working it. And it looked like working it was working out. Kendol had taken a seat and was listening with rapt attention while Chance expounded on the finer points of California’s Bonny Doon Vineyard. He’ll talk anybody’s ear off about the Big House Red. And evidently, he’ll even knock on a closet door for the opportunity to talk about the Big House Red.

  “He uses the black pepper and bacon grease wine to pick up chicks,” I said.

  “Oh, please go on.” She leaned back against the bar and crossed her arms.

  “It’s a test. If the girl in question can’t get down with the swine wine, she hasn’t got a Chance.”

  “Very nice.” She shook her head a little. “And to pick up the dicks?”

  “You got me on that one. I think this is his first dick pick-up. The Framboise, maybe? Book of Love?”

  “What about that one?” She shifted her eyes to Zombarbie. “What’s Ivy’s Poison?”

  I looked over at Z. She was wearing a white leather catsuit and platform boots with a four-inch heel. Her massive mane of hair was bleached to match and held back by a pair of aviator goggles. She was talking to one of the models, and she looked a little more than annoyed. She kept glancing at Kendol.

  “I’ll give you one guess.”

  “Nothing that stains,” Ash said. “And probably nothing that actually tastes like booze.”

  “Très bon, baby.”

  Ash grabbed a shaker and moved behind the bar so fast I thought my job might be in jeopardy.

  “Give her this when she comes over and send her to me.”

  “Christ, what’d you put in here? It smells like my first girlfriend.”

  “Hell if I know.” She winked and pinched me back. “Call it a Horny Bartender.”

  She jumped up on my bar and pulled the mic out of her back pocket. Then she clicked it on over Assemblage 23 as the song faded out. The second her voice filled the room, people started screaming like the place was on fire. It was four o’clock in the afternoon, for crying out loud, and they already wanted her. I’m pretty sure she thanked everybody for coming and introduced Hackerd Hell, but who knows. She could’ve been mumbling a recipe for cheese loaf, and they’d still flip out. Once the band started she hopped down and took off back up to the booth.

  Zombarbie was walking toward me.

  I took a deep breath and wiped the stupid grin off my face.

  “He’s kinda like the Wizard of Oz, isn’t he?” she said, nodding toward the curtain.

  “If he were green, I bet we could move him further up the bill.” I said. “Thirsty?”

  “Definitely.” She sighed and rolled her eyes, clunked her walkie-talkie down on the bar. “The fucking models are already making me nuts,” she said, but I saw her shoot a look at Kendol again. He was still occupied. “What’ve you got?”

  I pushed Ash’s drink toward her. She picked it up and drained half of it on the spot. “Oh my god, this is delicious.”

  “Heartbreaking.”

  “What is it?”

  “The Four Horsemen.”

  She pulled a fifty from her tits and tossed it in my jar. Then she started looking for a place to clip her radio, but she seemed out of luck.

  “I love it. Thanks, doll.”

  “Not me.” I nodded toward the DJ booth as darkly as possible. “Thank her.”

  Zombarbie raised an eyebrow. Her lip tried to twitch into a smile, but she stopped it.

  “All right,” she said. “I will.”

  Then she picked up her glass and wandered into the crowd.

  My radio beeped. “The Four Horsemen?”

  “It seemed fitting.”

  “Fair enough.” I could hear her smile. “I left an earpiece in your register. It’s remote. When you power it up, the speaker on your radio will automatically mute. Do it now.” She clicked off abruptly.

  I looked up at the booth. Z had taken the bait, and she was climbing the stairs. I dug around under the register drawer, fished out the earpiece, clicked it on and popped it in.

  Chance still had Kendol pinned to the bar stool with his killer eyes, but now they were talking about the Westminster dog show. I leaned into him and he instantly put his arm around me. “You’re a little too good at this,” I whispered. “Is there something you need to tell me?”

  “Shitz-you,” he whispered back.

  Kendol smiled and said hello to me.

  I looked back up at the booth. Z was leaning against the deck with her back to the dance floor, the Four Horseman in her hand. Ash was right next to her, bent over the board, working lights and video for the wizard. From my vantage point, they looked like more than friends.

  A low throaty sound fell through the tiny speaker in my head. I knew that laugh better than my own. Ash was flirting.

  “I love the song you just played,” Z said. “You don’t hear that one in the clubs very often.”

  “Nobody wants to dance before ten. So I play what I want.” Ash set her headphones down on the deck and lit a cigarette. “Seems to do the trick in a house full of glamazons.”

  “Does that make me a glamazon? Or does it make me what you want?”

  “A little of each.”

  Z laughed. “I’ve never been called that to my face before. What gave away my game? The goggles?”

  “That depends. Do you fly?”

  “In more ways than one.” Z paused and ran her finger down Ash’s bare arm. “I could take you up sometime. Maybe then you’ll tell me why you really made me this drink.” She rattled her ice.

  “Or we could talk about that now.”

  “I see your bones,” Z said slowly.

  “I doubt that.”

  “It’s true. I know what you’re up to.” There wasn’t an inch of space between them. “And I think we can work something out.” She pushed the hair from Ash’s neck and leaned in. From my perspective it looked like lips on flesh, but then I heard Z’s voice. “If you get what you want, I get what I want.”

  Chapter 26

  I woke up on the circular couch by the back bar with absolutely no recollection of falling asleep. My head was swimming in dialogue and images of Ash on a Harley. Rorke was nowhere in sight. Common sense said I should have been cricked all to hell and hung over, but I felt good. Even though the girl was missing.

  Then I saw a note on the table in Rorke’s writing with my name on it. She’d written out a few lines of my favorite Placebo song, and just as I was reading, the song came on. And a pin bone rolled into my hand. A smile slid across my lips.

  “You two have impeccable timing,” I said.

  I didn’t have to look up at the booth. I could feel Ash watching me. Then I heard her voice, dark and deep across the dance floor. “Our Japanese is better,” she said.

  I started laughing.

  “Spark it up, Salem. Your girl went to get us breakfast.”

  “What time is it?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Point taken.”

  I kicked back and did w
hat the lady said. Then I heard her coming down the stairs and thought, oh hell, here we go. Pull it together, man. You can have a conversation with a woman that could eat your brain. You’ve done it before. You just have to get used to her.

  But somehow I gathered there was no getting used to Ash.

  Ever.

  She was wearing another silk robe. This one had a tiger silhouette down the back and birds up the arm. It was hanging open over leather pants and a red bra. Her hair was a mess, and her face was flushed. I didn’t trust my mouth, so I took another hit and handed her the bone.

  “How was your first night on the job?” Her eyes flashed. She was set to start laughing. Without a doubt, this woman was baiting me. I could taste it. I knew better than to fork over any fodder. I didn’t need another nickname already.

  “Good,” I said. “It’s been a long time.”

  She nodded. “You can work the front bar tonight, if you want. You could also do security. Or the door.”

  “Thanks. But I’d rather—”

  “Get swallowed alive by Rorke and her girls? Can’t say that I blame you.”

  I could feel her looking right through me. She handed the bone back as the front door banged open, saving me from having to respond.

  Rorke jumped the back of the couch, landed beside me and dropped a brown paper bag in my lap. “Trade you,” she said and plucked the bone from my lips. “I got tacos. Bacon. Bacon with bacon. Or cheese with extra bacon and a side of bacon. There might be some egg in there, too, but I can’t make any promises. Take your pick, kids.”

  She hit the bone, and I started grinning. Maybe it was the weed, maybe it was the girl. She had clearly gotten up earlier than me and showered, changed clothes, etcetera. She smelled better than tacos, which is not a sentiment I toss around lightly. And, for the love of god, she wasn’t wearing a bra.

  Between the two of them, they almost had on a whole outfit.

  Ash snitched the bag from my lap and dumped it on the table. Then Rorke passed the bone to Ash, and Ash fished a monogrammed flask from the pocket of her kimono and handed it to me. I suddenly became aware I was partaking in some sort of elaborate breakfasting ritual.

  “Pure Morning.” Rorke winked.