Shrinking Violet Definitely Needs A Dog

by Lou Kuenzler

  as Bunny teetered towards a ring of polystyrene toadstools, where Uncle Max was waiting to take her hand and promise to be her husband.

  Instead of a vicar, a short fat man in orange suit stood underneath a plastic weeping willow tree. I think he was supposed to be some sort of woodland creature.

  “Ladies and gentlemen,” he announced in a thick, rolling voice, “here comes the bride!”

  What was I going to do? How could I stop the wedding?

  As Bunny walked, her train swished behind her like a dinosaur’s tail. I bounced from one side of the aisle to the other, clinging on for dear life. Between thumps, I caught sight of familiar faces sitting in the rows of tulip-shaped chairs.

  There was Nisha and her whole family. They’d met Uncle Max lots of times at our house and, of course, when we held the sponsored jumpathon on their trampoline. Then my mum and dad. And … Yana? What was she doing here? At first, I only caught sight of her green hair and thought it was a part of the Dingley Dell display – a giant spiky palm, perhaps. But it was definitely Yana. Her hair was extra tall and spiky for the wedding. She was wearing a gorgeous red dress covered in safety pins and a pair of amazing rainbow-striped tights.

  I supposed if Chip was here, it made sense that Yana was, too. She must have met Max and Bunny when they came to to adopt Chip. Yana had said the man was young and handsome … that must have been Uncle Max!

  Even though I knew I had to do something to stop the wedding, I felt another of excitement. Chip was here, all wrapped up in bows like the world’s best present!

  Bunny had slowed down now – her train stopped thrashing about.

  Ahead of her, Uncle Max was dressed in a pale blue suit with a shirt and waistcoat almost as as Bunny’s dress. She had chosen his clothes for him, just like she had chosen the whole wedding.

  As she stepped closer, I wriggled, trying to get free. But I was still caught in the frills of her dress, trapped like a fly in

  Uncle Max was chewing his lip nervously. I had never seen him look nervous before, not even on the video of him bungee jumping from the Grand Canyon.

  “Please take a moment, ladies and gentlemen, to admire the wonders of nature,” said the chubby woodland-creature-man in the hairy orange suit. He spread his arms to show the Dingley Dell.

  But it wasn’t nature – not really. It was all plastic and fake. Just like Bunny and this whole wedding.

  I glanced around, peering out at the tinsel clouds, shiny polythene roses and…

  “Lady Valance?” I gasped, spotting the judge from the dog show. What was she doing here, too? She was sitting right in the front row with an enormous new feathered hat. She was whispering something to a smart-looking gentleman with bushy white whiskers – probably her husband. Probably…

  “Lord Valance!” I nearly choked on a mouthful of lace. Of course! Everything was starting to make sense. Bunny had said that Tarquin’s father was a lord. And she said his mother would be wearing a feathery hat!

  Sure enough, sitting on the other side of Lady Valance was a young man with wispy blond hair, a thin moustache and pale blue watery eyes … Tarquin! There was no doubt about it.

  I was so busy staring at Tarquin – he was dressed in a frilly green suit the colour of lettuce – that it took me a moment to notice what the woodland-creature-man was saying.

  “Ladies and gentlemen,” he said, pointing to Uncle Max and Bunny as they stood before him. “If any person here can show cause why these two people should not be joined in marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

  It was old-fashioned language, but I knew at once what it meant. This was that moment in films where people always shout out and stop the marriage. It was the last chance for someone to say the wedding shouldn’t go ahead. My last chance to say that I knew Bunny didn’t really want to marry Uncle Max – that she was trying to make Tarquin jealous.

  It seemed Bunny wanted to stop everything, too.

  “Hasn’t anybody got anything to say?” she asked, glancing hopefully at Tarquin.

  The wedding guests all laughed. They thought it was a joke. Even Uncle Max laughed. But I knew the truth.

  “Anyone?” said Bunny again. As I looked up from the frills of her dress, I could see there were tears in her eyes.

  Tarquin wiped sweat from his lip with a pale green hankie.

  The guests started to shift anxiously, realizing it might not be a joke.

  “YES! I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!” I bellowed at the top of my tiny voice. I waved my arms. I didn’t care if everybody saw how tiny I was – I couldn’t let Uncle Max marry a woman who didn’t love him.

  “LISTEN TO ME, EVERYBODY!” I cried.

  “Did someone speak?” The woodland-creature-man who was leading the ceremony held up his hand.

  “I don’t think so.” Lady Valance stood up from her seat in the front row. Her loud, clear voice boomed across the Dingley Dell. “It was just a dog. I heard it bark. Listen… There it goes again.”

  “ ”

  The door from the waiting room swung open and Chip came bounding in.

  He must have escaped from the hamper. I had only pulled the lid shut, but never retied the ribbons.

  He thundered down the aisle, yapping his head off.

  “ ”

  He was barking wildly at the woodland-creature-man.

  “Of course!” Now I saw what the man was supposed to be dressed up as: a squirrel.

  “HELP!” The poor man leapt into a plastic tree, looking even more like a squirrel than ever.

  Wow! I have never seen one that big, I could imagine Chip saying to himself.

  “That’s Violet’s dog,” shouted Fifi-Belle as he almost knocked her over. “The one who stole my ice cream.”

  “Chip!” cried Nisha, jumping out of her chair.

  “But where is Violet?” said Mum, standing up, too.

  “I saw her coming in before,” shrugged Tiff. “She’s got to be here somewhere.”

  Now what should I do? I stood to the spot. Should I climb out of the frills on Bunny’s train and show myself, or should I stay hidden where I was?

  Beside me, Uncle Max was talking to Fifi-Belle.

  “But how can this be Violet’s dog?” He tried to grab Chip by the collar. “I don’t understand. I adopted him from . That nice lady there – Yana – helped to settle him in. That’s why I invited her to the wedding.”

  Now it was Yana’s turn to stand.

  “I did not know you were Violetta’s uncle.” Her Russian accent rang out from the back of the Dingley Dell. “Violetta looked after Chip sometimes. She will be so pleased to know he is going to a good home.”

  “But where is Violet?” yelled Mum. I think she was starting to panic.

  “Oh dear.” Just a few minutes earlier, while the ceremony was still going on, I had felt brave enough to leap out of Bunny’s dress and show everyone how tiny I was. Anything if it meant stopping the wedding. But now I wasn’t so sure.

  The room was in uproar. Guests were talking. Chip was barking. The squirrel man was still swinging from the tree. Bunny was stamping her foot. Uncle Max was looking totally confused. And Mum was asking everyone if I they had any idea where I had gone.

  Thanks to Chip, the wedding had stopped … at least for a while.

  I smiled to myself. When suddenly…

  There I was – back to … flat on my back amongst the frills of Bunny’s dress. I’d shot forward like a bullet when I grew. Now I was lying halfway under her big meringue skirt with my feet sticking out. Looking up, I could see Bunny’s bloomers above me.

  “Sorry,” I spluttered, scrambling out from under her hem.

  “” Bunny leapt in the air. “Violet? What are you doing down there?”

  “Where have you been?” cried Mum.

  “Erm … I came in earlier,” I said, pointing vaguely back towards the waiting room. “I just noticed a loose bow on the bottom of Bunny’s dress…” I was hoping everyone had been too busy watching Chip a
nd the squirrel man to actually see me shoot back to full size. “I thought I better mend it. Bridesmaid’s duties, you know.”

  I reached out and straightened a crumpled bow. “There. That’s better!”

  “Get off me,” flapped Bunny. “And take that horrible little dog out of here, too.”

  “Horrible?” I gasped.

  “Horrible?” said Uncle Max. He was staring at Bunny with his mouth wide open.

  “Yes,” said Bunny. “Horrible! I have never seen such a silly-looking runt.”

  “It’s not even purebred,” agreed Tarquin, from his seat.

  “I see,” said Uncle Max. He had managed to catch hold of Chip at last. He passed him to me as the squirrel man slid gratefully out of his tree.

  “Chip was supposed to be a wedding present,” said Uncle Max. “A gift for you, Bunny.”

  “For me?” squealed Bunny.

  “For her?” I gasped. It was silly, but somehow I’d still thought that Chip was meant for me. He’d been in the basket. In the waiting room. Where Bunny had said my present would be. There was nothing else there. Except … of course…

  “The china shepherdess.” I buried my head in Chip’s fur. “That was my present. I should have guessed.”

  “Honestly, Max! How could you think I wanted a dog like that?” Bunny screeched. “Anyone who really knew me – anyone who really loved me would never have given me a scruffy little mongrel like that.”

  “I think Chip’s cute,” said Uncle Max. “That’s why I chose him. He’s a little naughty, but…”

  “Er … excuse me,” said the squirrel man. “Can we get on with the wedding now? We’ve got a Cheeky Cherub Christening at three o’clock.”

  “” I cried. I had to do something. “You can’t! I mean, you mustn’t.”

  The room went silent. It was as if I had rung a loud dinner gong. Everyone was staring at me.

  “Violet! Sit down,” hissed Mum.

  Dad patted the chair beside him.

  I wished I could sit down. I wished I could hide away and shrink again. But I had to save Uncle Max. He had to know the truth about Bunny.

  “I don’t think the wedding should go on,” I said, speaking as loudly and as I could. My palms were sweating. “I don’t think Bunny wants to marry Uncle Max. Not really.”

  There, I had said it.

  “Bunny? Is this true?” Uncle Max spoke so quietly, I could hardly hear his voice at all.

  “Oh … I don’t know.” Bunny squeezed out a tear. “I thought I loved you, Maxi. I really did. It’s just that Tarquin and I planned to get married for so long. He understands me so well…”

  “I’ve tried to be everything you want me to be,” said Uncle Max.

  “But Tarquin would never have given me a mangy little mutt like that. Would you, Tarqui?”

  “Oh, Bunnykin,” cried Tarquin, leaping from his chair. He flung his arms around Bunny. Or he tried to … but he couldn’t reach round her meringue dress.

  “I would never have given you a scruffy stray from a rescue centre,” he said. “I would have bought you a pedigree dog from the finest champion kennel. I’ve been such a fool. I should have stopped this wedding right from the start! I can’t believe we ever broke up. And all because of a silly argument over what colour my handkerchiefs should be. I should never have let you go, Bunnykin. Never!”

  “Ah … er … so,” said the squirrel man, looking confused. “Do you still want me to carry on?”

  “ ” said Bunny and Uncle Max together.

  The guests gasped.

  “This wedding is off,” said Uncle Max, as Chip and sat on a plastic toadstool scratching his ears. “I could never marry someone who turned away a stray just because he wasn’t perfect or purebred.” Uncle Max shook his head sadly. “We should be grateful to Chip … and to Violet. She did something very brave – very responsible – when she spoke out today. You see, this is about more than a dog.” Uncle Max loosened his bowtie. “I suppose I’m a bit like Chip, really,” he said. “I’m just a happy, scruffy kind of person. But you tried to change me, Bunny. You tried to turn me into someone different … yet you still didn’t love me. You asked me to invite Tarquin as a guest at our wedding, but all along you wished he was the groom.”

  Uncle Max stepped forward as if he was going to shake her hand. “I’m sorry, Bunny. We can never be husband and wife.”

  Chip leapt forward, too.

  “ ” He grabbed the hem of Bunny’s dress in his teeth.

  A few people laughed. But Uncle Max looked so sad I couldn’t even smile. It was as if there was a big pink love heart that had been flashing inside him and now it had been turned off.

  “Goodbye, Bunny,” he whispered. “I hope Tarquin can make you happy.”

  And that was it. It was all over.

  Except, when Bunny tried to leave with Tarquin, Chip played tug-of-war with the hem of her dress, shaking it like a huge dead swan. There was a terrible sound … and Bunny was left standing in nothing but her vest and bloomers.

  They were pale blue, of course … and very, very

  “Horrible little dog!” she screamed and she ran down the aisle, covering herself with Tarquin’s green jacket and a bouquet of blue plastic roses.

  When all the other guests had gone home, my family stood in the car park at with Uncle Max.

  Yana waited a little to one side with Chip on a lead.

  “I know it’s tough, Max, but you did the right thing,” said Dad, patting him on the back.

  Uncle Max nodded. He stuffed the frilly bowtie into his pocket.

  “What will you do now?” asked Mum.

  “Where will you go?”

  “You can stay with us for as long as you want,” said Dad.

  “That would be lovely.” Uncle Max put his arm around my shoulders. “But after that, in a few weeks, I think I’d like to travel. Go on one of my trips. Write a new book. Bunny wanted me to stay home and work in an office, but …” Uncle Max shook his head. “… that’s just not really me.”

  “But what about Chip?” I said, glancing over at Yana. “He can’t go travelling with you.”

  Chip heard his name and tugged Yana closer.

  “True,” said Uncle Max, bending down to stroke Chip’s ears. “I have to look after this little guy now. I can’t just go trotting off whenever I feel like it.”

  “But you must go travelling,” said Mum. “You’re never happier than when you’re crawling through some snake-infested swamp or jumping out of some rickety old aeroplane.” She bent down and stroked Chip’s other ear. “I know it is hard. But perhaps it is best if Chip goes back to . He seems very fond of Yana, so—”

  “But I am leaving,” Yana interrupted. “In two weeks. I am going to Siberia to work with wolves in the wild.”

  “Siberia?” said Uncle Max. “Wild wolves? That sounds fascinating.” There was a in his eye I hadn’t seen for a long time. “I did some research when Violet and I adopted Boris, the wolf cub. I’ve always thought a book about the wolves and why they’re endangered could help raise a lot of money.”

  “Certainly,” agreed Yana. “It would be a fantastic help to the project.”

  “But Chip can’t go back to ,” I said. “Not without you there, Yana.”

  “He will miss me, it is true,” said Yana. “He likes the other workers there, but…”

  “But you’re special to him,” I said.

  Yana nodded. “And you are special to him too, Violetta.”

  “But don’t you see? That would be perfect!” said Uncle Max, turning to Mum. “Chip wouldn’t have to go back to . Not if I knew Violet could look after him for me. Just sometimes? When I am away on long trips.”

  “Oh please, Mum,” I cried, scooping Chip up in my arms.

  Mum looked at me. She looked at Chip. She looked at Uncle Max. She looked at Dad and she looked at Tiffany.

  Then she looked at Chip again and sighed.

  “Oh, I suppose so,” she said. “Poor little thi
ng … he does deserve a family.”

  “” I cried. “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” I flung my arms around Mum’s neck as Chip joined in the hug and her nose.

  “That is so unfair,” said Tiffany. “I can’t believe Violet is getting a dog.”

  “She’s not getting a dog,” said Mum. “She’s just borrowing one. When Uncle Max is away.”

  “But you said I could get hair straighteners,” Tiffany sulked.

  “Perhaps you can borrow some of those from somewhere, too,” giggled Dad, looking at Tiff’s sunflower hair.

  “Bunny left something like that in my flat,” said Uncle Max. “Really fancy ones. But I have a feeling she won’t be coming back for them. You can borrow those, if you like.”

  “Seriously?” grinned Tiffany.

  “Seriously,” said Uncle Max.

  As we walked towards the car, he whispered in my ear, “You might be able to borrow Chip for a very long time, if we play our cards right.”

  “Really?” I said, my mouth dry with excitement.

  “Yes.” Uncle Max smiled – a proper smile that spread right across his face. “I mean it about this trip to Siberia. Especially if Yana thinks a book would be helpful. I’d to live with the wolves. Perhaps I’ll even meet Boris. And I know you’ll always look after Chip.”

  “Always,” I said, my heart beating against Chip’s shaggy fur as I held him in my arms. “Just one thing, Uncle Max. How do you spell Siberia?”

  “S-I-B-E-R-I-A. It’s a cold, snowy state in the east of Russia,” said Uncle Max. “But why do you want to know how to spell it? Are you going to send me a postcard?”

  “Maybe,” I said, muttering the letters under my breath. “I like to spell whenever I’m excited. It helps me stay calm…

  I repeated the letters over and over again.

  I couldn’t believe it. Chip was coming home with me. He was coming to stay.

  Three weeks later, Nisha and I were sitting in my lounge. It was spinach stew for supper. But I didn’t care. Chip was here.

  Everything was perfect. Well, everything except for the spinach, of course. And I did still owe Ratty-Riley a of TOFFAMEL bars. And I was still paying Mum back for the lost wellie boot. And Miss Penman had given us HEAPS of terrifically tough spellings to learn for the holidays. And I was still a bit wobbly on my seven times tables. But, I didn’t care about any of that any more. Not now that I had Chip to look after.