by Lynsey James
I put them down on the coffee table and took a final glance at the pair of them. Ethan’s face had gone milky white, while the woman didn’t look pleased to see me judging by her scowl. My stomach twisted with pain and I sharply turned my back to walk out again.
‘Alice, wait!’ His heavy footsteps thundered behind me, but I kept on going without a backward glance. ‘Alice, stop a second!’
I gave up as I was crossing the B&B’s gravel path. Ethan quickly caught up with me and put a hand on my shoulder.
‘Back in there with Sarah,’ he said, hooking a thumb over his shoulder, ‘that wasn’t what you think.’
I shrugged and pulled a face. ‘What you get up to is none of my business, Ethan. Really, I was just coming in to hand out some fliers about panto auditions.’
‘Yeah, I saw them. I wasn’t kidding when I said that maybe I could come and help you out. I’ve got loads of free time while I’m down here and I’d love to pitch in if I can.’
‘I’ve got it covered. Thanks anyway though.’
Without another word, I turned and marched down the driveway and down the hill towards the village. Somewhere deep inside my chest, someone was twisting an imaginary knife in my heart. What made it worse was that I had no idea why. At the back of it all was fear. Fear that what I’d felt when I saw them together meant I had to leave Jamie behind once and for all.
I shouldn’t care who Ethan was seeing. He was nothing more than a temporary blip on my radar; he’d probably have buggered off back to LA by Christmas.
So why couldn’t I get the image of him and Pretty Blonde Woman out of my head?
*
The wintry chill soon got the better of me and before I knew it, I was back at home. I felt overwhelmed with tiredness and muscles were aching that I hadn’t even known I had. After pulling my boots off and dumping the fliers I hadn’t managed to give out, I dragged myself upstairs to my room. All I wanted after the day I’d had was to be close to Jamie for a little while. That meant parking my arse on my bedroom carpet, hauling the memory box out from underneath the bed, and surrounding myself with memories of him.
‘You’ll never believe what’s happened,’ I said as I stared at his photo. ‘I’ve only gone and agreed to direct the bloody pantomime! I wish you were here; I can just picture you laughing at me and asking how I’d got myself into this! You know something though, I’m actually really looking forward to it. The first rehearsal didn’t quite go as planned and they need a lot of practice, but I think it’s going to turn out really well.’
I stopped for a second and pulled his favourite red T-shirt out. Faint traces of his scent still lingered round the neck, even after all this time.
‘I really wish you were still here,’ I whispered. ‘It’s funny how one moment can change everything, isn’t it? One minute you were here with your hopes, dreams and terrible jokes and the next… Well, you were gone. For so long, I didn’t know how to live without you and now it seems like things might finally be moving on, I’m scared. Today, for the first time in ages, I got jealous at seeing a man with another woman. I didn’t think that would ever happen again, but it did. I don’t want to let you go, Jamie; you were my whole life for so long. But I also know I can’t just stay in the same place I’ve been for the last three years. It’s been so lonely, missing you and keeping the world shut out, and I can’t do it any more. Maybe it’s time to let some people in eh? That wouldn’t be so bad.’
I stared at his smiling face in the pretty glass frame and sighed. There was no way he could answer me or hug me or give me advice like he used to do. Tears ran down my face as a realisation hit me: the more time passed, the more Jamie was becoming a memory. He was slowly slipping away from me and into the past. I felt further away from him than ever. The photograph in my hands was just that now: a photograph of a beautiful man I’d been lucky enough to share my life with, once upon a time.
I put the photo back where it belonged and wiped some more tears away. Maybe it was time for “once upon a time” to come to an end.
Chapter Twelve
November the nineteenth was perhaps the hardest day of the year for me: Jamie’s birthday. I woke up that day with every intention of avoiding people as much as possible. That included my mum, who’d tried for most of the week to make plans with me because she knew the significance of the day.
As I made my way downstairs, ready for a day of junk food and watching Stranger Things on Netflix, I slapped a palm to my forehead. My plan of avoiding the whole human race would have to wait: today was auditions day. I’d been so keen to get the available roles filled because we were short on rehearsal time that I’d accidentally scheduled the auditions for the worst day of the year.
Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks.
*
When I arrived at the Silver Bells Theatre to hold the auditions, it’s fair to say I wasn’t in the mood to see the dramatic talent that Luna Bay had to offer. That old familiar dark cloud of grief had started following me around again and all I wanted to do was hide myself away. I sunk into one of the red velvet chairs in the front row and had a look at the list of participants I was expecting to see. There were over fifty names on the list, more than enough to keep me busy all day. I massaged my temples and heaved a sigh. As the old saying went, the show must go on.
‘Knock, knock.’ A voice at the back of the auditorium made me jump. When my head snapped round, I saw Ethan walking up the aisle towards me.
‘What are you doing here?’ I asked, ignoring the fluttery feelings in my stomach. ‘I thought I said I had the auditions covered.’
‘I know, but I thought you might like some company anyway. And after the other day, I’ve got some making up to do.’ He pulled a white box from under his arm and handed it to me. ‘Here, it’s a peace offering.’
I opened it and found six brightly coloured cupcakes nestled inside. Each one of them had its own festive design: one had a little reindeer perched on top, another had a trio of snowmen, and there were Christmas tree and Santa Claus motifs too.
‘Do you like them? I thought they were kind of cute myself.’
I nodded quickly, praying to God that I didn’t fall apart in front of him. That was the last thing I needed on a day like today.
‘Wow! These are gorgeous – thank you so much.’ A lump formed in the back of my throat, which took a lot of effort to swallow down. ‘Listen, I’m sorry for running off before. I just… I saw you hugging Sarah and I thought I might be intruding on something. I know it’s none of my business who you hug obviously, but I thought I should clear off in case I disturbed you.’
Ethan didn’t reply immediately. His mouth opened and closed, as though he kept changing his mind about what he wanted to say. I guessed he was probably trying to work out how to tell me he and Sarah were together.
I decided to save him the bother. The less awkward this moment was, the better. ‘Look, thanks for these but you really don’t have to stay. I can do this by myself. Won’t your girlfriend be missing you?’
Ethan’s face reddened and he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. I kept my eyes on him, while he took a great interest in the theatre’s slightly worn carpet.
‘Sarah’s… Well, things are really complicated between us. I’m not sure how to explain it. She’s my best friend’s wife, the one I was photographed with the other week. One set of dodgy-looking photographs and the whole world thinks we’re having an affair!’
He laughed, but there was no humour behind it.
‘Well you looked pretty cosy to me when I came to Sunflower Cottage.’ I took a seat and selected a reindeer cupcake from the box. ‘Not that it’s any of my business,’ I added through a mouthful of vanilla sponge.
‘Why don’t we discuss it over dinner later?’ Ethan suggested. ‘I feel bad for the way we left things and I’d like to explain, if you’ll let me.’
I paused mid-bite and, against my better judgement, started to laugh. Not just a dignified chuckle either, but a full-on si
de-splitting giggling fit. My ribs ached as I tried and failed to control myself, and I was more than aware of Ethan staring at me in horror.
‘Um OK, no problem, bad idea. Forget I said anything!’
I shook my head as I finally got my giggles in check. ‘Sorry, I really didn’t mean to laugh and it’s not for the reasons you think. It’s just… Well, it’s been so long since I’ve been out for dinner with anyone that I’ve forgotten what to do.’
Ethan’s face relaxed into a smile. ‘I’m sure that can’t be true. I’ll bet you’ve got a queue of men waiting to wine and dine you.’
It was my turn to blush; I hid my face behind the list of hopefuls auditioning that day.
‘Chance would be a fine thing!’ I chuckled. ‘Nah I’ve been out of the dating game for quite a while, I’m afraid.’
He cocked his head to one side. ‘How come? Was it because of what happened with Jamie?’
I felt my entire body tense up at the mention of his name. It still made me feel uneasy hearing Ethan say it since I didn’t usually discuss Jamie with anybody but Mum.
‘I don’t really want to talk about it,’ I replied. ‘It’s… It’s a long, complicated story.’
‘Tell you what, if you come to dinner with me sometime, I’ll tell you my long, complicated story and you can tell me yours. Deal?’
He stuck his hand out, but I hesitated. Was I really ready to go out to dinner with someone, even if it wasn’t necessarily a date? Or was it? I was far too out of practice with this sort of thing.
‘D-do you mean like a date?’ I asked, cursing myself for tripping over my words. I was aware I probably looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights, but I couldn’t help it. The word “date” terrified me.
‘It doesn’t have to be,’ Ethan assured me. ‘We can make it a sort of business dinner if you like; we’re working on the panto together after all. What do you think?’
He offered me his hand again and I shook it. It was impossible not to with that smile of his. Now that it was a business dinner and not a date, I felt much more relaxed about accepting his invitation. The warm texture of his skin on mine made my heart do a little somersault of delight.
We exchanged smiles and he opened his mouth to say something, but the auditorium door opening interrupted him.
‘Hiya, it’s only me!’ Lucy’s kind, bright voice filled up the entire space. ‘Is this where the panto auditions are?’
‘Come on in,’ I replied, feeling more than a little disappointed that I didn’t get to hear what Ethan had to say. ‘You’re the first one here; we haven’t started yet.’
‘Nice one!’ Lucy’s high heels clicked against the strip of wood that ran down the centre of the aisle. She stopped dead when she saw Ethan and her mouth widened to a large O shape. ‘Oh my bloody God! Y-you’re Ethan Fox! I saw you in that Pride and Prejudice remake! You were amazing a-and not just in that scene where you come out the pond either.’
Ethan laughed and ran a hand through his russet-brown waves. ‘Well thank you! Glad to know I did justice to more than just that scene. What part are you auditioning for?’
Lucy’s cheeks turned a deep shade of scarlet and she stuttered and stammered for a moment, before forming a coherent answer.
‘Well, the fairy godmother would be awesome but just any really!’ She gave a coy little smile and twirled a brown curl round her finger. ‘This is going to sound really sad, but can I have your autograph? My fiancé loved that superhero film you were in and he’s minding the pub today!’
She held out her script and he signed it with a huge smile on his face. He even posed for a couple of selfies with her too, not seeming the slightest bit put out by any of it.
I turned to him as Lucy went to prepare for her audition. ‘You know, anyone would think you enjoy being this mega-famous celebrity and having attention lavished on you.’
He shook his head and hid his face behind a hand as he laughed. ‘You make me sound like an attention whore!’
I broke off some more of my reindeer cupcake and popped it into my mouth. ‘I didn’t mean it like that. It’ll be my foot in my mouth next, the way I’m going.’
‘I know how you meant it, don’t worry.’ Ethan patted me on the shoulder, making me jump a little. ‘The attention’s flattering, I won’t lie, but more than anything else I bloody love to act. I love everything about making films; it just fascinates me.’
I saw his eyes mist over a little as he entered into his very own dreamy reverie.
‘You know you remind me of someone I used to know,’ I said without thinking. ‘He loved performing too…’
I stopped talking as I started to cry. The parallels between Ethan and Jamie were clear to see: they were both kind, they loved acting, they both had a certain air about them that seemed to draw me in…
No. No way.
That absolutely couldn’t be happening. Ethan wasn’t drawing me in in any sort of way, especially not on Jamie’s birthday. I felt his gaze on me and held out for as long as I could before looking back. As I stared into his deep blue eyes, I felt my palms grow sweaty and my heart rate quicken.
‘Sorry, I-I’m being silly.’ I roughly wiped some tears away with my jumper sleeve.
‘What’s wrong? Is everything OK?’ he whispered.
He reached out to touch my tear-stained cheek. It was a brief, sweet gesture, but I flinched and backed away. I couldn’t believe this was happening, today of all days. Part of me wanted to let him in, but I didn’t want to taint Jamie’s memory.
‘Ethan, I…’
Luckily, Lucy’s voice from the wings broke the tension between us.
‘Are you ready for me yet?’ she called.
‘Yup,’ I said, adjusting myself in my seat, ‘more than ready!’
*
Lucy’s audition for the fairy godmother was interesting, to say the least. Her performance fell somewhere between Helena Bonham Carter at her kooky best and Kate Bush in her video for Wuthering Heights. I found myself humming the tune under my breath as I watched her.
‘That was brilliant, Lucy,’ I said when she’d finished, giving her a short round of applause. ‘Thanks for coming in; we’ll let you know as soon as we can.’
She gave us a little wave then hopped down the steps and off out the door to the foyer.
‘What did you think of that then?’ I asked with a grin.
‘Well, it was…different, wasn’t it?’ Ethan shook his head and laughed. ‘I’ve never seen someone waft round the stage so much in my life! Still, it might be good comedy value.’
I playfully hit him on the arm. ‘Hey, there’ll be no laughing stocks in my pantomime, thank you very much!’
‘Just kidding. So about this dinner; where do you fancy going?’
I cleared my throat. ‘Can we talk about it another time? We’ve got a ton of auditions to get through today.’
Luckily for me, Ethan didn’t ask any more questions. He went back to the notepad he’d brought with him and picked up a snowman cupcake from the box. I breathed a silent sigh of relief. Talking about dinner as an abstract concept that didn’t have a date, a time or place was one thing; making concrete plans was quite another.
Today, as every other day for the last three years had been, was all about Jamie.
*
Spending the day seeing the acting talent hidden in Luna Bay was a surprisingly effective cheer-up method. As Ethan and I watched audition after audition, which ranged from the brilliant to the bizarre, I found the cloud of grief around me gradually lifted. I picked out moments that Jamie would’ve laughed his head off at and elements of performances he’d have really enjoyed. It felt good keeping him in mind throughout the day, even though my main focus was finding the best people for the pantomime.
The strangest audition came courtesy of Jean, who ran the local knick-knack shop. She wanted to be the wicked stepmother, even though she had all the cruelty of a three-day-old kitten.
‘You, girl, clean the stairs! And wh
ile you’re at it, make a start on dinner! Come on now, chop chop!’ Her voice was a girlish squeak that didn’t even come close to the cold, hard voice we needed for the wicked stepmother.
‘Jean, that was great,’ I said, mustering the brightest smile I could, ‘why don’t you—?’
I was cut off by some pounding hip-hop music coming from an ancient portable stereo sat by Jean’s feet. Before I knew what was happening, Jean had started doing her own version of breakdancing whilst also reciting her lines at the same time. I stared at her open-mouthed, unable to believe what I was seeing. Ethan had stuffed his fist in his mouth to stop himself from laughing, but I could see the tears roll down his face.
‘Watch this, I can do the worm too!’ Jean yelled over the music.
As she got ready to do her big finale, I raced up onto the stage and cut the music. ‘That’s great, Jean, we’ve seen enough! Thanks for coming in and we’ll let you know when we’ve made our decision.’
She looked crestfallen to have had her performance cut short, but picked up her stereo and walked down the steps.
‘Thanks for having me,’ she said, her voice laced with sadness. ‘I can do swing dancing and some salsa as well, you know.’
I smiled and nodded, hoping she wouldn’t give us a demonstration. ‘Well we’ll see eh? Thanks again!’
She stopped by Ethan’s chair and put a hand on his shoulder. ‘You’re a very lovely man, Mr Fox. A lot of celebrities these days are falling out of nightclubs, like those ones in the reality shows my granddaughter likes so much. What’s that one called, The Only Way is Geordie? It’s lovely to see a pleasant young man like yourself taking an interest in local theatre. And you’re very handsome too!’ She winked at him and shuffled off towards the auditorium door.
Once she was safely out of earshot, I turned to Ethan and burst out laughing.
‘Oh…my…God!’ I collapsed into the seat next to him. ‘What the hell was all that about? I think I need another cupcake!’