by Lynsey James
I hated how kind and soft his voice was; instead of making me feel better about having a complete meltdown over a kiss, it made me feel a million times worse.
‘I feel…’ I stopped when my voice became an unintelligible croak. I cleared my throat a few times and took one of my hands back to wipe away some tears. ‘I feel like when Jamie died, I lost my right to be happy. That my life ended when his did. Whenever I do something that makes me happy, I feel guilty because he’s not there to enjoy it too. That probably sounds stupid, but it’s how I’ve felt for the last three years. Like I’m not allowed to have a life any more because Jamie can’t.’
Ethan sighed and pulled me into him for a hug. ‘I know you’ve probably heard this a million times before, but you haven’t lost any right to be happy at all. It wasn’t your fault that Jamie died. You said it yourself; it was some rich kid who’d nicked his dad’s car and couldn’t stop in time. I can’t imagine how painful it must’ve been to lose someone you love like that, Alice, and you’re much braver than I could ever hope to be. But that doesn’t mean for a second that you have to stop living. You deserve to have a fantastic life.’
I drew away from him for a second to wipe my face. ‘Thank you, but it doesn’t feel that way. It’s his birthday today and instead of remembering him, I’m snogging the face off you!’
I let out a hollow chuckle and swept under my eyes for traces of mascara.
‘Look at me,’ I said, covering my face with my hands, ‘I must look like a fool!’
‘Quite the opposite.’ Ethan gently prised them away and smiled at me. ‘You look absolutely beautiful.’
The word “beautiful” made me look up at him. I couldn’t see what could possibly be beautiful about how I currently looked: runny nose, puffy eyes and blotchy skin. Not exactly something you’d see on a Victoria’s Secret runway, I thought.
‘Thank you.’ I felt my chin wobble dangerously, but no more tears came. ‘I feel like a complete mess! Listen, I’ve had an idea. Feel free to tell me to get lost if you think it’s stupid. I’ve got this memory box that I keep stuff of Jamie’s in. We could maybe look at it together if you want? I-I’ve never shown anyone before, but it feels right to do it now.’
I wasn’t sure where the idea had sprung from, but it seemed to make perfect sense. I wanted to let Ethan in a little, to show him things that meant the world to me. Not even my mum knew what was inside. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust anyone to see it; it was just that it was all I had left of Jamie and I had wanted to keep it to myself. Still, I could trust Ethan couldn’t I?
I peeked up at him from beneath my eyelashes, trying to gauge his reaction.
‘If it’s not too personal for you, then I’d absolutely love to see it.’ Ethan smiled and squeezed my shoulder.
I hesitated for a moment. Was this really a good idea? Was I really ready to let someone in after all this time?
‘You know what?’ My voice was still shaky as I tried to get my words out. ‘I think I’ll go and get it.’
*
For the rest of the night, I took Ethan on a guided tour of my memory box. Instead of feeling like I was betraying Jamie, it felt good to share the things he’d loved with someone else.
‘Starlight Express was always his favourite musical,’ I said, taking out the signed programme. ‘It was his dream to play Rusty one day, or Greaseball.’
Talking about Jamie’s hopes and dreams made me well up again, but Ethan’s hand on my shoulder stopped me from bursting into tears.
‘Sorry…’ I paused and sniffed for a second. ‘It just makes me sad that he never got to live out those dreams, that’s all.’
He nodded and pulled me close to him. I rested my head on his chest and listened to the steady rhythm of his heart.
‘He sounds like a really great bloke,’ he said, stroking my hair. ‘You must miss him a lot.’
‘I do,’ I replied. ‘It was like one minute he was there with the world at his feet and the next he was gone. I think I was in a shock for a long time.’
‘No wonder,’ muttered Ethan. ‘It can’t have been easy losing him so suddenly like that.’
I pushed myself up off him and started putting Jamie’s things back in the memory box.
‘I’m sorry about this. You’ve had to put up with me crying all night and going through my dead boyfriend’s possessions. Can’t imagine that was how you’d choose to spend your Friday night!’
Ethan shook his head. ‘It’s been really fun, Alice, and I’m not just saying that. Listen, about earlier—’
I put my hands up to stop him. ‘Don’t mention it, OK? It’s over and done with. I think if I’ve learnt anything today, it’s that I’m definitely not ready to be back in the dating game!’
I saw the smile on his face falter a little, but it was quickly back in place. He scrambled to his feet and smoothed down his grey jumper.
‘Well when you are ready, I’m sure you’ll find plenty of guys who’d love to go out with you.’
I snorted. ‘Yeah right, I’m sure they’ll be queuing up to date the girl who’s spent the last three years grieving for her boyfriend! That’s really attractive isn’t it?’
‘Don’t sell yourself short, Alice; remember what I said about flying to the moon on a cocktail sausage?’ He smiled at me then quickly averted his gaze. ‘Anyway, I’d better be going. Oh before I forget, if you need any more help with the panto don’t hesitate to ask.’
I nodded and walked him out to the front door. ‘I will do. And listen, thanks for tonight. It meant a lot to have someone here instead of spending the whole night crying my eyes out!’
I chuckled and folded my arms, dreading to think of the state I’d have got into if he hadn’t come round. We stood at the door for a second, his hand resting on the handle. Part of me wanted to reach up and kiss him, but after the debacle our last kiss had caused I decided not to.
‘Glad I could help. Goodnight, Alice,’ he said with a smile.
He reached over and wrapped his arms around me for a hug. I breathed in his smell one last time, not wanting to let him go. After an awkward little pause where I wondered again if I should kiss him, he was gone.
To quote Love Actually I was “alone again. Naturally.”
Chapter Fourteen
I woke up the next morning feeling lighter somehow. It felt like I’d been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders for so long, but that someone had finally lifted it off. As I peeled my eyes open to the new day, I felt like something wonderful was about to begin instead of dreading what lay in front of me. Last night came flooding back to me and brought a smile to my face. Not because of the kiss (although I had to admit it had been pretty good), but because for the first time I’d managed to really let someone in. I’d shared some really personal things with Ethan and trusted him not to walk away.
That was definitely what I would call progress.
Even my movements that morning felt looser and more carefree; it was all I could do to not slide down the banister like Mary Poppins. I bounced into the kitchen and decided today was a good day for Nutella-stuffed pancakes à la Ethan.
Why the hell not, after all? I’d taken a huge step forward and it felt like the world lay right at my feet, ripe for the taking.
After treating myself to a delicious breakfast, I decided to swing by the Purple Partridge. The last time I’d been there putting fliers up about the auditions, Lucy had asked me to have lunch with her and Emily, and I’d mumbled out a clumsy reply. Today, I was going to accept her invitation.
‘Morning!’ I said brightly, hopping up onto a bar stool.
Lucy twirled round and her jaw dropped when she saw me. ‘Alice, you look fantastic! I’ll have some of what you’ve had, if you don’t mind! You look like a new woman.’
‘Thanks,’ I said, feeling a warmth rush over my skin. ‘I just popped by to say I’d love to come for lunch with you and Emily, if the invitation’s still open.’
Lucy beamed at me and alm
ost dropped the glass she was drying in surprise. ‘Of course it is! How’s Monday for you? We could go to York or maybe Harrogate.’
‘I’ve got another panto rehearsal in the evening, but I could definitely make it before then. I’m going to make my final choices for the cast today as well.’
‘You sound like a woman on a mission!’ She giggled and winked at me. ‘Don’t suppose you can let me know whether I’ve bagged the fairy godmother role, can you?’
I tapped my nose. ‘All will be revealed in good time! I’d better dash but I’ll see you Monday yeah?’
‘Wait!’ Lucy called. She took a notepad from under the bar and scribbled something on it. ‘Here’s my number. Write yours down and I’ll text you the time and place when I’ve had a word with Emily.’
I stuffed the bit of paper in my pocket and wrote my number down.
‘Ooh I can’t wait!’ She did a little happy dance and clapped her hands. ‘Feels like ages since I had a girly day out. You two can give me a hand with this wedding lark too; there’s so much to bloody think about and I feel like I’m going bonkers!’
I grinned. ‘Bring it on!’
*
My next stop was Sunflower Cottage. My heart did a happy dance at the thought of seeing Ethan, although it had absolutely nothing to do with our kiss. That sort of thing wouldn’t be happening again, under any circumstances. He’d been incredibly sweet to me and I wanted to repay him for being so kind. Plus we needed to go over the notes we’d made on the auditions yesterday to see who would be getting the panto’s plum roles.
As I approached the B&B’s front door, I was treated to a flashback of the moment he’d kissed me. My hand flew up to my lips as I remembered his lips brushing against them. I could still vaguely taste the hints of strawberry from the sparkling wine he’d brought.
I shook my head to dislodge the memory. It wouldn’t do me any good to dwell on it; we’d both agreed to forget it had ever happened and I didn’t want to fawn over him like one of his legion of fans. We had important work to do and if I spent the day batting my eyelashes at him, nothing would get done.
I walked through the door and saw Emily in the hall, carrying a pile of freshly laundered towels.
‘You should just move in here, I reckon,’ she said with a grin, ‘since you practically live here nowadays!’
‘I’m just here to see Ethan,’ I replied smiling coyly.
Emily raised her eyebrows in a knowing look. ‘You two are practically joined at the hip nowadays, aren’t you? Anything you fancy telling me about?’
I mimed zipping my lips shut and throwing an imaginary key away. ‘Sorry, my lips are sealed. There’s nothing much to tell anyway; he’s just giving me a hand with some panto stuff.’
Emily pulled a face that suggested she didn’t believe me. ‘And the band played Believe It If You Like, as my gran would say! Anyway, I can’t interrogate you for much longer; I’ve got to get these upstairs.’
She gestured to the teetering pile of towels in her arms. It wobbled from side to side as she tried to keep it balanced.
‘The joys of working in the B&B industry eh? I’ll see you later! Ethan’s in the sitting room if you want him.’
‘Thanks!’
I spun on my heel and headed towards the living room. My palms grew sweaty and I wondered whether I was about to throw up my breakfast. In the two metres between the hallway and the sitting room, I thought about turning back at least three times and even thought of leaving the country and assuming a different identity. But this was the first day of New Alice and she faced things head on, whether they were scary or not.
A deep breath and a quick check in the mirror to see if I looked OK and I was good to go.
I walked into the sitting room with my head held high and discovered that Ethan was indeed in there, but with Sarah. She looked utterly gorgeous with her butter-yellow curls falling loosely around her shoulders and her deep burgundy woollen dress. I looked down at my T-shirt and jeans and suddenly wished I’d glammed up a bit more.
‘Hi,’ I said with a jaunty little wave. ‘Am I interrupting something?’
‘Wow, we can’t seem to get rid of you can we?’ Sarah shot me a fake smile that was quickly followed by a scowl. ‘You’re always popping up like a little jack-in-the-box.’
‘For fuck’s sake, take it easy, Sarah,’ Ethan muttered.
I tried to ignore the barbed edge to her comments and it took every ounce of my self-control to keep my sunny smile in place.
‘I just came by to see if you wanted to go over the notes from the auditions yesterday, Ethan. I’d like to let people know if they’ve got parts today, so we can get started properly at the next rehearsal.’
Ethan’s face lit up and he nodded. ‘That sounds great! Why don’t we head down to that café on the corner? Sarah, I’ll catch you later.’
He grabbed his coat and hauled it on before Sarah could make any sort of plea to get him to stay.
‘But what about our important discussion?’ Her lips were set into a moody pout. ‘The one you ran out on last night?! The one you said we could definitely have today?!’
He gave a carefree shrug and that lopsided smile of his made an appearance. ‘We’ll just have to take a rain check, won’t we? It’ll just be me repeating what I’ve already told you anyway.’
As Sarah seethed, we made our way out of the B&B and onto the street. Once we were safely out of her clutches, he blew a huge amount of air out from his cheeks.
‘Jesus Christ, talk about good timing! You really saved me back there.’
‘What was the important discussion she wanted you guys to have?’ I asked.
He shook his head and waved a hand. ‘Same shit, different day. She wants us to try having a relationship but I couldn’t do something like that to Adam. We’ve been going round and round for days and it’s doing my head in.’
I pursed my lips while I decided whether or not I wanted to ask the question that was burning in my brain. New Alice decided to just go for it.
‘If she wasn’t married to your best friend, what would you be saying? I mean, is that the only thing stopping you?’
Ethan’s head snapped sharply round, a dark expression clouding his face. ‘No, of course not. She’s…she’s not good for me, Alice. Have you ever had someone in your life who’s like kryptonite to you? You know they’re bad for you, but you just can’t bloody resist them?’
I shook my head. ‘Sorry, I can’t say that I have.’
‘Well Sarah was that person for me, still is in a lot of ways. I wanted to be with her for so long, but she claimed she had no idea about it and says that’s why she went running to Adam. I had to watch her fall in love with someone right in front of me, knowing there was nothing I could to because Adam was my best friend. Probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Now she rocks up here and says she’s always loved me, just as I’m starting to get over her!’
We were stopped in our tracks by a horde of paparazzi, the cameras clicking and flashing as they threw questions at Ethan. I heard them asking who his “new lady friend” was, and what this meant for the woman he’d been photographed with just the other week. He handled them as best he could, whereas I covered my face and kept my mouth shut. The last thing I needed was to be splashed all over the papers.
Eventually they grew tired of snapping photos and realised they weren’t going to get any more from Ethan than what he’d already told them. He grabbed my hand and pulled me down the hill as one of them yelled ‘definite downgrade on that last one, if you don’t mind me saying!’
He rolled his eyes and did the wanker hand gesture at the reporter’s back. ‘Bloody vultures,’ he muttered. ‘Always out to spoil a perfectly good day.’
We walked a few paces as I chewed over what he’d said about Sarah and tried not to take the journalist’s comment personally. On the one hand, I wanted to give Ethan advice that would help him but on the other, I couldn’t help feeling a little downhear
ted. He’d made Sarah sound so perfect and he’d obviously had really strong feelings for her. Had our kiss been nothing more than a distraction to stop him thinking about the situation with her, or to buy him some time while he made his mind up? More importantly, why did I care so much?
‘Sorry,’ he said after I hadn’t replied for a few minutes, ‘here’s me banging on about my trivial crap when you’ve got much bigger stuff to deal with! How are you feeling after last night?’
Last night isn’t the problem, I wanted to say, it’s today! Was I just a stalling tactic so you didn’t have to have an awkward conversation with Sarah about how you feel?
However, New Alice wasn’t quite ready to take a risk like that. ‘Absolutely fine. In fact, I feel better than I’ve done in ages!’
‘Good,’ he said. ‘I’m glad I could help. I meant what I said by the way; I really enjoyed last night.’
A wry smile spread across my face. I highly doubted he could’ve had fun watching me cry and wading through my dead boyfriend’s possessions; he was probably just glad to get out of talking to Sarah about their complicated situation.
‘Well I’m glad. If it’s emotional meltdowns and crying fits you’re after, I’m your girl!’
Ethan lolloped on ahead of me, that trademark lopsided grin lighting up his handsome features. I stopped for a moment to watch him and tried to work out why I cared so much that our kiss seemed to be the furthest thing from his mind.
*
As luck would have it, there was a table right at the back of the café for us. Diane greeted us with a friendly smile as she served the small queue of customers.
‘What do you fancy?’ Ethan asked as he picked up the menu.
For some reason, the word “you” popped into my head. Thankfully, I managed to stop it from coming out.
‘Um…I think I’ll go for carrot cake today. And a pot of tea, obviously.’
I laced my fingers together and focused on making as many different shapes with them as possible. Anything to distract myself from the thoughts swirling round in my head.
‘White chocolate and raspberry for me today, I reckon,’ he said. ‘I’ll just be a sec.’