by Lynsey James
I held up a hand and he fell silent. The red mist had well and truly descended now.
‘It’s nice to know what you really think of me. I was waiting for something to go wrong, was I? Yup, that’ll be why I put myself out there and kissed you that night in the theatre when you tried to nick my Haribo; I was just waiting for an excuse to bail out! Do you know how hard it was for me to let you in, Ethan? I hadn’t let anyone be part of my life for so long and even though I was scared, I did it because I thought you might be worth it. You know something, I wish I hadn’t cleaned your nose up that day at Fox’s. Still, it’ll probably close down since you’ve washed your hands of it and don’t fancy playing Mr Selfridge. And you talk about me not letting go of Jamie when Sarah’s been in the background all along! At least you didn’t have to find me in bed with someone else!
‘You know what, in a couple of weeks none of this will even matter. You’ll have sodded off back to LA and probably forgotten all about me and I won’t even have the pantomime to contend with. You, and it, have been more trouble than you’re bloody worth. I did this to try and move my life forward after what happened and look at the mess it’s caused! I felt stuck for so long and I needed something to bring me out of myself again. I thought this would be it, but look what’s happened. I never wanted to get involved with theatre again, especially not an amateur production like…’
I sensed someone was behind me, and my words trailed off. I slowly turned round to see Christabel standing in front of me, hands on her hips and her face set into a stern expression.
‘Well, well, well, it looks like I was right about you all along. I knew you thought this pantomime was beneath you when you turned down my first offer to join. Why did you sign up, Alice? So you could have a laugh at our expense?’ Although she didn’t raise her voice, I felt a terrified shiver travel down my spine.
‘No, of course not! I did say no to begin with, but—’
‘There’s no “but” to follow that, Miss Woods. Quite clearly, you don’t think this production is good enough for you. You said it yourself, you didn’t want to be involved with theatre again, especially not an amateur production like ours. What was this? A way to kill time until your next starring role came along?’
Over Christabel’s shoulder, I could see the cast members slowly edging forward. They all looked incredibly disappointed with what they’d just heard, and I didn’t blame them.
‘Is that all we were to you?’ Lauren said. ‘Just a meaningless little project to keep you occupied until something better came along? I thought you really cared about this show! It must’ve been such a chore for you, working with a bunch of amateurs eh?’
‘No, Lauren,’ I said, my eyes filling with tears, ‘I really enjoyed working with you guys; you have to believe that!’
She shook her head and let some of her hair fall over her face. ‘I don’t know how we can believe anything you say any more.’
‘OK, everyone.’ Christabel flashed me a smug smile and turned to face the cast. ‘How many of you would still like this lying charlatan to be your director? Show of hands.’
Not a single one went up.
‘And how many of you would like me to take over and lead you all to pantomime victory?’
This time, every hand was raised in the air. Most of them were reluctant, but the result was unanimous.
‘There you have it,’ Christabel said, a jubilant smile splitting her face in two. ‘I don’t think we’ll be requiring your services any more, Miss Woods.’
She ushered them all back inside the auditorium and the doors shut behind them with a finality that made me want to be sick.
I turned to face Ethan, who was shaking his head in disbelief.
‘Ethan, I—’
‘I’m gonna go now,’ he said. ‘I don’t think we have anything left to say to each other, do you?’
Before I had a chance to respond, he turned his back on me and walked out of the theatre. I stood there, wondering how things had managed to go so wrong in such a short space of time.
In just a few minutes, I’d lost the pantomime I’d grown to love and the man I’d been falling for.
Well done, Alice, here’s a round of applause.
Chapter Twenty-One
Given the circumstances, it would’ve been all too easy for me to slip into familiar patterns: drawing the curtains, hiding under my duvet with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s, and refusing to engage with anyone.
And for the next couple of days that was exactly what I did. After running home from the theatre, I’d shut myself in my room and immersed myself in memories of Jamie.
‘It’s all gone so wrong,’ I said, propping his photo up against my legs. ‘I tried so hard to move on and let people in, but I fucked it all up. If you could see me now, you’d be so disappointed in me. Everyone hates me now and it’s all my fault.’
I hadn’t remembered Jamie nearly enough lately, thanks to the panto and Ethan, but now I had all the time in the world to think about him. After everything that had just happened, I decided, I would never let myself put him to the back of my mind again.
I wondered what he’d say if he could see me now, pushing everyone away because I was still grieving over him. I could almost hear that deep, throaty laugh of his and imagined him shaking his head at the sheer stupidity of it all. I could even imagine what he’d say if he was standing in front of me: Are you really going to sit here in your room surrounded by my stuff and denying yourself a normal life? You know all I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy and you’ve got the chance to make that happen now. Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting me altogether, Alice; it just means that you’re letting other people into your life, and that’s wonderful.
Do you really think I want you to close yourself off from everybody for ever? Of course I don’t. I want you to have an amazing life like you deserve, making loads of fantastic memories on the way and grabbing every opportunity with both hands. Letting the fact that you lost me define you for ever isn’t living Alice; getting out there into the world and trusting other people to make you happy, THAT is living. So do it; jump in with both feet and don’t be afraid.
I sighed and picked up his red T-shirt, holding it close to my chest and letting out huge wailing sobs. If screwing things up were an Olympic event, I’d definitely take home the gold.
*
The day things started to change began with a knock on my door. At first, I wasn’t going to answer it, but when I saw two figures standing at the door, something made me edge my way down the stairs.
‘Who is it?’ I croaked. I cleared my throat and ran a hand over my face. I hadn’t used my voice properly for days, so it was a little rusty.
‘It’s Emily and Lucy,’ came Emily’s unmistakable Scottish brogue. ‘We just came to see if you were OK. Can you open the door?’
I backed away a few steps and swallowed hard. My hand reached out for the door handle, but I recoiled.
‘I-I thought everyone hated me round the village,’ I said, ‘because of what happened with the pantomime.’
‘Nobody hates you, babe,’ said Lucy. ‘If anything, they hate Christabel! She’s ruining the panto and everyone’s miserable because of her. Why don’t you let us in and I’ll tell you all about it over a cuppa?’
‘Seriously, Alice, we just want to see that you’re OK. We’ve been worried about you because we haven’t seen you round the village for a few days. Sunflower Cottage has been quiet without you!’
I caught sight of myself in the hall mirror; I looked like Shrek’s ugly twin sister. My hair was sticking up at all sorts of angles and I was wearing a pair of faded pyjamas. Not a good look for anyone.
‘OK,’ I said, sighing in defeat, ‘but I’ll warn you, I look a bloody mess!’
‘It’s OK,’ Lucy assured me. ‘We’re ready for anything!’
With a wince, I twisted the handle and threw the door open. The hopeful smiles on the girls’ faces quickly vanished when they saw me.
&nbs
p; ‘Oh my God,’ Emily murmured. ‘It’s a good job we brought wine!’
*
Once the wine was open and the Victoria sponge cut into slices, we settled down in the living room for what Lucy called ‘crisis talks’.
‘There have been a few stories floating around about what happened with you and the panto,’ she said, ‘but I think most of them are from Christabel to try and boost ticket sales. Will you tell us what really happened?’ she asked.
I refilled my wine glass and spilled the beans on the whole sorry affair: everything from my bust-up with Ethan to inadvertently revealing why I’d really signed up to the panto.
‘And that, as they say is that.’ By the time I was finished, it was time to fill my glass again. ‘Talk about a total screw-up eh?’
To my relief, they both started laughing. I even found myself joining in; it felt good to be making light of the situation instead of crying over it like it was the end of the world.
‘That sounds like something out of a bloody film!’ Lucy giggled and cut me another slice of cake. ‘Here, you’ve earned this. You’re probably going to hate me for asking this, but have you heard from Ethan?’
I shook my head. ‘Nope, not a sausage. Well, he tried to call me a couple of times, but I didn’t answer. He probably wanted to remind me how much of a vile bitch I was or something.’
‘Or he could’ve been calling to beg for forgiveness and declare his undying love for you?’ Emily ventured.
‘After me telling him I wished I’d never cleaned his nose up, that he’d been more trouble than he was worth and making a dig about him not helping his dad’s department store out of financial ruin, I don’t think so,’ I said with a grin. ‘But it’s a nice thought. I don’t know, maybe we were never a good match in the first place. I mean, he’s a Hollywood megastar and I’m… I’m someone who acted on Broadway a lifetime ago before my boyfriend’s death made me give it up. Ethan said I’d never let anyone measure up to Jamie and he was right. I used Jamie as an excuse to keep people at arm’s length for too long. Ethan and I had no chance from the start. ’Nuff said.’
‘No!’ Lucy slammed her wine glass down on my coffee table with surprising force. ‘Not it’s not ’nuff said! You know what the three of us have in common? We’ve all had to fight to get what we want. You might not remember this, but not a lot of people were happy to see me back in Luna Bay. But I wanted a fresh start and I managed to prove everyone wrong, even though it took a while. Emily was the same, weren’t you?’
Emily nodded. ‘Yeah, Noah thought I was just another corporate robot when he met me. I had to convince a lot of people that they had the wrong impression of me, but I did it. I nearly lost everything though by being bloody stubborn! I didn’t think I could give up everything in Scotland and make a life here, but I was wrong. What we’re trying to say is that if you give up when things go a bit wrong, you’ll never get anywhere.’
I sighed and let my head sink into my hands. ‘But what if they’ve not gone a bit wrong? What if I’ve ruined things and there’s no way to fix them?’
Lucy reached over and took my hand in hers. ‘You won’t know unless you try, Alice. From what I’ve been hearing over at the theatre, they’re all miserable because Christabel scrapped your musical idea and went back to the original show. They’ve tried to tell her that they prefer the musical version, but she’s not having it. She just tells them to shut up and barks out orders. They need you over there, babe, you brought out the best in them.’
My stomach turned at the thought of Christabel turning the play into her usual shambolic affair. Although I’d only had a few weeks with them, I’d been convinced we were creating something great to show everyone. Now, the village would be lucky if everyone remembered their lines and the sets didn’t collapse.
‘I might’ve known she’d bin the musical idea.’ I gave a mirthless laugh. ‘She doesn’t seem to like anything she doesn’t come up with herself.’
‘I’ve left because I can’t bloody stand her; I wish I’d been able to make that rehearsal where she threw you out. I’d have stuck up for you. She just can’t seem to see that you were a better fit for the panto than she ever was.’ Lucy drained the last of the bottle of wine into her glass and sipped it. ‘If I were you, I’d march over there right now, give Christabel what for and tell the cast you want to come back. They’d bite your hand off, I reckon. I’d come back if you did; I was looking forward to my star turn as the fairy godmother!’
‘If you need someone to play a glamorous princess or party-goer, I could probably be persuaded!’ Emily chuckled and stuck her tongue out at me.
‘Thanks guys, you’ve really cheered me up. Before you pair came round, I was holed up in my room feeling sorry for myself.’
I decided not to include the fact that I’d had my memory box out. I still didn’t feel ready to share that with people, although I’d shown Ethan. My heart sank as I realised we wouldn’t be able to share anything together any more. Our friendship was over and that hurt more than anything. At the heart of our relationship, there was a great friendship and I didn’t want to lose that.
‘I don’t know about you two, but I think we need a day out. We should all do something Christmassy since it’s only a couple of weeks away. Ooh, we could go to Fox’s and do some Christmas shopping then head for lunch after!’ Lucy smiled brightly. ‘What do you guys think?’
‘Sounds good to me,’ Emily replied. ‘We’re putting up the B&B’s Christmas tree soon too; we could all decorate it together if you fancy? What do you reckon, Alice?’
The thought of doing something even remotely related to Christmas made my stomach do a routine that would make an Olympic gymnast blush. In three years, I hadn’t so much as put up a Christmas decoration, let alone gone gift shopping with friends. I usually got all my stuff delivered, to avoid the barrage of happy Christmas shoppers looking for gifts for their Someone Special. It served as an all-too-painful reminder that I didn’t have a Special Someone in my life any more.
My mouth opened and I couldn’t be sure what would come out. Would Anonymous Alice or New Alice prevail?
‘That sounds awesome,’ I replied. ‘Count me in.’
*
Emily said her goodbyes later that afternoon because she had to get back to Sunflower Cottage. She and Noah were expecting a group of four couples who were coming to Luna Bay for a romantic pre-Christmas break.
‘Apparently they want the whole shebang,’ she said as she hauled her coat on. ‘Rose petals on the beds, champagne in ice buckets, towels folded into swans… Noah reckons they’re swingers! Knowing my luck, I’ll walk in to give them breakfast in bed and catch them at it or something! I’ve booked some therapy just in case.’
‘Sounds like you might need it.’ I chuckled. ‘Thanks for coming round today; I really appreciate it.’
‘That’s what friends are for.’ She pulled me in for a quick hug. ‘I’ve loved seeing more of you this last wee while. Let’s keep doing it eh?’
I nodded. ‘Definitely! And I promise I’ll be back at the Breakfast Club soon. Life’s just been a bit hectic with the panto and everything.’
‘I understand, don’t worry. Anyway, I’d better get back to the B&B; Noah’s probably doing his nut. I’ll see you guys soon.’
Lucy and I waved her goodbye and watched her walk down the hill towards the B&B. When I closed the door again, Lucy slung her arm round my shoulders.
‘Right, you,’ she said, ‘I reckon you should go over to the Silver Bells Theatre now and give Christabel a piece of your mind. She’d no right chucking you out of the panto like that without even giving you a chance to explain. So you should just march over there and take back what’s rightfully yours.’
I flashed her a sideways glance. ‘It’s not quite that easy, Lucy! I can’t just go up on stage, make a speech and everything will be hunky dory again. I think they’ll all take a bit more convincing than that. Anyway, how’s the wedding planning coming? I feel bad for b
eing so out of the loop lately; I know you said you needed our help with it.’
I desperately hoped that by diverting her attention, she wouldn’t try to persuade me to go into the Silver Bells Theatre all guns blazing. Her eyes lit up at the word “wedding”, leading me to believe it had worked.
‘It’s all coming together nicely! Jake doesn’t know a thing about it, which is even better. It’s going to be on Christmas Eve; the reception’s at Sunflower Cottage and the ceremony’s going to be at my place, Rose Cottage. Diane’s doing the cake and the catering, and the rest of the Broken Hearts Book Club are helping with decorating and flowers and what have you. Just need my dress, a suit for Jake, a couple of bridesmaids’ dresses and I’m good to go! You’ll come won’t you? You’re welcome to the ceremony and reception, but even if you just come to one that’d be great.’
‘Course I will,’ I said, sighing inwardly with relief that my distraction technique seemed to have worked. ‘Maybe we could go wedding dress shopping on our day out with Emily?’
Lucy nodded. ‘Sounds good to me. Now are you going to go over to the theatre or am I going to have to frog-march you? I’ll come with you for moral support and backup if that’s what you’re worried about. I wouldn’t let you go in and face them on your own.’
Damn. It hadn’t worked as well as I’d thought.
‘Lucy, I can’t. What if they turn round and tell me to get lost? I’ll have made myself look like a fool for nothing, won’t I?’
‘Alice, the way I see it, you’ve got two choices: you can either stay here in your comfort zone, or you can put yourself out there and see what happens. Sometimes you’ve just got to take a leap and see where you land.’
I sighed and put my arm round her. ‘You’re not going to give me peace until I go, are you?’
‘Nope.’
‘Well then,’ I said, reaching down to pick up my boots. ‘We’d better get a move on, hadn’t we?’
*
I could hear a buzz of chatter when I arrived at the Silver Bells Theatre. As I drew closer, however, I realised it was an almighty row between Christabel and Lauren, unless I was very much mistaken. Lucy and I lingered outside for a moment to listen to it.