by TT Kove
‘You’re not going to die.’
‘I am. I might’ve survived this time, but I’ll keep trying. I can’t be watched all the time. I’ll manage it. Some way or another, even if I have to jump in front of a car or off a bridge. Or from my bedroom window. I’ll manage it. I’ll die. And you’ll be left with your sick, sadistic, paedophile of a husband. Good luck pleasing him.’
There. Done.
I had nothing more to say. Now she knew.
Silence was all that met me too. I was silent, she was silent. We were both sitting there in silence. Well, technically, I was lying down. In silence.
Then Mum gathered her papers and stood. Her heels clacked against the floor as she left the room, not speaking another word to me.
Well, that was that. She doesn’t believe me.
I’d thought… well, no, not really. Hoped maybe. I’d hoped that maybe she did care about me, deep down, even if she’d never had much to do with me all my life. But no… she didn’t.
Now I definitely had no reason to live. She didn’t believe me, Andrew would never admit to what he’d been doing to me… and I couldn’t go back to it.
Dying, it was so final. Nothing could hurt me then. I’d know nothing. I would be at peace. I just wanted to be at peace. Why was everyone stopping me from getting some peace, after not having had it for my entire life?
Emptiness. Anxiety. A need to feel. To press a blade into my skin, to split it apart and watch the blood trickle. To feel the pain. Fear. All-consuming fear. But how I could feel pain and emptiness at the same time was beyond me.
‘Hi, Josh.’
I pushed up on my elbows at the familiar voice.
‘Silver?’
He strode into the room with confidence, wearing loose-fitting jeans and a tee. His arms were completely on display, with the fit biceps and the tattoos.
‘How are you feeling?’ He sat down on the chair next to my bed, studying me.
Like with Mum and Damian, Silver was someone else I couldn’t lie to. He’d been there from the beginning. Damian’s flatmate and best friend. He’d been there through everything Damian had been there through, and he was supportive. He’d never warned Damian off me, not that I knew, anyway.
‘Not all that good.’
His gaze didn’t leave my face.
‘What happened?’
‘Didn’t Damian tell you?’ We lived together, sure Damian must’ve shared what had happened with him. He and Silver were best mates, they knew each other and they shared things with each other.
‘I want to hear it from you.’
Oh. Okay.
That was fair.
‘I saw him. Met him. Looked right into his eyes.’
Silver didn’t need me to explain who he was. He was someone who was well-known in my circle of friends. And Damian had already told him, after all.
‘I can’t even imagine how that must’ve been for you.’
No, he couldn’t. I stared down at my hands. I was in a tee, not that stupid hospital gown, so my mutilated skin was on full display. Only thing wrapped up was my right hand.
‘Where’s Kian?’
‘Shift at work. He says hi.’
I nodded. Work was a perfectly good excuse to not come to visit. Damian didn’t have work though, nor did he have school. It was a Saturday, and even if it hadn’t been, he was on holiday now.
‘What’s wrong?’ Silver raised his eyebrows in question.
‘Damian hasn’t been here yet. I haven’t heard anything from him either.’ My hands clenched into fists. ‘Maybe he’s done with me. Maybe he’s tired of all this.’
‘You honestly think that?’
‘Yeah. No. Yes.’ He always kept his promises. But not today. And I was empty and anxiety-ridden and scared. Scared that this was the last straw, that he’d had enough.
‘Josh. You know that’s bullocks. That’s you being insecure. Afraid of abandonment. But you know better than to listen to those feelings.’
Silver was quoting Vincent’s words. I didn’t have count on how many times Vincent had said that to me. Likely hundreds of times in the six years he’d been my psychologist.
‘I hope he’ll be here soon.’
‘He will be.’ Silver abandoned the chair to sit on the edge of my bed. ‘He was still sleeping when I left home a couple hours ago. Figured I’d leave him to it, considering he’s had two hard, exhausting days.’
I leant forward to rest my head on his shoulder. My hospitalisations were either because I was depressed and suicidal or because I just needed a break, because my feelings were so difficult to deal with. This was only the second time I’d been sectioned after a suicide attempt though. It’d been six years since the first time I’d attempted one.
‘What happened to your hand?’ He touched the bandage gingerly.
‘Broken glass.’ None of the cuts had been so deep I’d needed sutures, which I reckoned was a good thing.
But if I could’ve chosen between cutting so deep I’d need sutures or swallowing pills, I knew which one I’d choose now.
Too bad I wasn’t able to think clearly when my feelings overwhelmed me, which they constantly did. Medicine did help, but not always.
‘I never should’ve swallowed all my pills,’ I muttered, guilt washing over me. ‘Meeting him… I got completely out of control. It was the only option I had. I couldn’t—couldn’t stop it. I didn’t want to. I wanted to die so I didn’t have to see those eyes, see how he felt nothing. No regret, no guilt, no shame. He ruined me. And he doesn’t care.’
‘Psychopaths usually don’t.’ He patted my head. ‘You should just say fuck you and live your life. Because no matter what he did, it didn’t stop you from actually having a life now. You have a boyfriend who loves you. But I know it’s easy to say it and not so easy to do it.’
It wasn’t easy at all.
There was a knock on the door, at the same time as a familiar voice said, ‘Am I interrupting?’
‘Damian!’ I looked up, a wide smile spreading along with the utter relief that started in my stomach and spread out.
‘I’ll be taking my leave then.’ Silver stood, brushing down his jeans before grinning at me.
‘You’ll come back to see me, right?’ We lived together, but I didn’t know how long I’d have to stay in the hospital.
‘Of course I will. Kian will join me next time too.’ He patted Damian’s shoulder, muttered something, then waved to me as he exited my room.
‘I didn’t know he was coming to visit.’ Damian came over to me.
‘Me neither. He just showed up earlier. Nice surprise.’ I smiled tentatively up at him, nervousness ratcheting up again. He looked tired. But tired of what? Me? My situation? ‘Are you all right?’
‘Yeah. Just… nice to sleep in my own bed. I think I’ve had too much sleep, for once. I feel all sluggish.’ He finally leant down to kiss me and the nervousness evaporated. He wouldn’t kiss me if he was done with me, would he? But he wasn’t. Silver had been right—he’d been catching up on his sleep.
‘I’m sorry.’
He eyed me curiously.
‘For what?’
‘I didn’t think you’d show up.’ I pressed my lips together and stared down at my hands. I wasn’t good at lying, and besides, ever since I started therapy, honesty was recommended. ‘That you wouldn’t come back.’
‘Josh.’ He sunk into the chair with a sigh. ‘I was sleeping. I’ve slept here in this goddamn uncomfortable chair for two nights, gone to school two mornings in a row, and now I could finally sleep in a soft, warm bed and I just crashed. If I’d woken up before, I would’ve come here. There’s nothing I want than to be with you. You know that.’
‘Yeah.’ I nodded, ashamed.
Of course I knew that.
Now.
When he was with me. It was when he wasn’t, when I was in bed all alone in a hospital that the doubts came creeping in. They never did when I was at home, but here… here everything was dif
ferent. I did like being here, to get better, but I didn’t like the feelings that overcame me all the time.
‘I hate being like this.’ Borderline… If only I hadn’t been I would’ve had a normal range of emotions, not the intense, all-consuming ones I was living with now.
No one else ever reacted quite to the extent to things the way I did.
I noticed it, how different I was.
Especially from Damian, who was always so calm. And I was never calm, I was always tied up in some intense feeling. Or the emptiness. Though I didn’t feel that often when he was around. He never made me feel empty. He always made me feel loved and appreciated and like I mattered.
‘It’s who you are.’ He stood from the chair again and came over to wrap his arms around me, pulling me in against him. I rubbed my nose against his neck, settling in comfortably. He smelled of his usual cologne. I loved that smell, it was so familiar. It was him.
‘I’m so lucky to have you.’ Someone more impatient wouldn’t have bothered with me, not in the long run. But he was cool, aloof, centred. Sure of what he wanted. We were so very different—and the cliché was right, because for us, opposites really did attract.
‘You know I’ll come by every day you’re here. I always do. It’s not a chore for me. I want to keep you company.’ His hands stroked my back in soothing circles. ‘I’ll always be here for you, even if I have to miss school. You’re more important.’
It was sweet of him. But school was also important. I supported him in his choice, I really did. He wanted to be a surgeon and he was working on achieving that dream. He worked really hard at it.
‘I’m so proud of you.’ It came out muffled, as my face was buried in his neck.
‘And I am of you.’
Now that I didn’t believe.
‘You can’t be. Not now.’
‘I am, Josh. No matter what, I am proud of you, because you’re still here, you’re still fighting, you’re still living. You want to live.’
Yeah, because I wanted to be with him. I couldn’t die—not while he was around. He was everything to me.
‘And you’re everything to me.’
Oops.
I hadn’t realised I’d muttered that one aloud.
But what did it matter? Those were the words I wanted to hear.
I smiled and scooted in closer. His arms tightened around me. All bad feelings were forgotten. All was wonderful.
31
Summer Holiday
Josh
‘Hey, Josh.’ Tyler stuck his head in the door.
‘Hey.’ I pushed myself up straighter on my bed and waved him inside. I already knew he was coming as we’d exchanged text messages the last couple of days since I woke up.
Damian had gone to have dinner with his uncle and aunt—on my insistence, since he’d planned on staying with me the entire day. He’d only gone when I’d shown him the text from Tyler, grateful I wouldn’t be lonely in his absence.
‘How are you feeling?’ Tyler took the chair closest to me, the one Damian always occupied. And Mum, when Damian wasn’t around.
‘Better. Pretty safe in here.’
‘It’s not safe out there?’ He looked at me funnily.
‘Not while he’s out there.’ I’d told him about meeting Andrew during our text message exchanges, so he knew Andrew was the reason for my latest debacle. When wasn’t he the reason?
He looked faintly uncomfortable as he glanced around the room.
‘I was really worried when you first texted me and told me what’d happened. That you’d been out of it for two days. That you could’ve died.’
Dying—and especially suicide—was a touchy subject with him.
In November it would be three years ago that Mal, the bloke he’d fancied who also happened to be my friend, killed himself.
That was how we’d met—on Mal’s grave right before New Year’s. We’d got to talking and hit it off… and now here we were, friends and everything.
‘I scared everyone. I never want to do this again, but—I know I can’t make such a promise.’
I’d read somewhere that one in ten people with BPD died by suicide. It was the most common form of dying for people with my diagnosis. I’d come close twice now… Once when I was fifteen and now. Usually I managed fine with just my cutting, but that wasn’t always the case.
I didn’t want to do this to he people closest to me ever again, but… I just wasn’t sure I could hold that promise.
‘Well, you’ve got one advantage in that you don’t actually want to die, so that’s good.’
Mal had wanted to die. And he’d achieved that. That had landed me in the hospital for a month too seeing as he’d done it right in front of me.
‘I won’t ever do what he did. Planning that—doing it deliberately—I won’t.’
‘Hey, it’s okay.’ He put his hand on my shoulder. ‘I wasn’t blaming you or anything. I’m just not good with suicide is all.’
I eyed him wryly.
‘Then I think you’re going into the wrong field. Speaking of, are you done with all your exams for the term?’
‘I am. Did great in them too, I think.’ His lips tilted up a little on one side. ‘And you might be right about me going into the wrong field, but—I want to help people who struggle. Like you do and like Mal did. And if I can be of help to some, if just a few people chose to live instead of to die… then it’ll be worth it.’
Tyler was studying to become a mental health nurse. He had one year left of his degree, so next year around this time he’d start working.
‘Maybe you’ll be my mental health nurse when I get hospitalised,’ I joked. Or half-joked, since the possibility was definitely there if he got a job in a hospital.
He chuckled.
‘Weirder things have happened.’
‘Yeah, like my psychologist being my new boyfriend’s best friend’s brother.’ That really had happened. Vincent was Silver’s brother—and it had been weird three years ago and it was still weird now.
Tyler’s laugh was lighter this time.
‘Yeah, that is quite a weird coincidence.’
‘Have you spoken to Cooper lately?’ I asked, fiddling with my phone. I’d texted Chad, Tyler, Spencer and Leslie, and Cooper after I woke up and felt up to actually thinking… and everyone had answered me but Cooper.
‘No,’ he said immediately. ‘Why should I have spoken to him?’
I stared at him.
‘It’s just… no one has. I figured maybe you had. You get along, don’t you?’
He scratched at the back of his neck awkwardly.
‘I slept with him.’
That did not surprise me.
Who hadn’t slept with Cooper?
Well, none of my friends had considering they were all paired up… all but Ty. So really, it didn’t come as a surprise that Cooper had shagged him.
‘When’d that happened?’
‘A couple times.’ He glanced at me. ‘You’re okay with that? I wanted to tell you, but… I don’t know.’
‘It’s none of my business who you shag.’ It really wasn’t. Although… Tyler was a good guy. He could find someone who appreciated him more than Cooper.
I loved Cooper, I really did, but he was a bit of a slag. He slept around, he partied, and he never stayed with the same person for long. Even if he did, he always slept with other people on the side as well.
‘Do you… fancy him?’ I asked then, when he didn’t say anything. Because if he fancied Cooper… he’d likely have some more heartbreak in his near future.
He shook his head.
‘Not really. He’s too…’ He struggled for words.
I could come up with several, but I kept quiet. He was my cousin, after all.
‘We’re not compatible,’ he settled on eventually, too nice for his own good.
‘You can say it, you know,’ I scoffed. ‘I know what Cooper’s like.’
‘No, really, we’re just not compatible.’ He s
miled slightly and I couldn’t tell if he was just being considerate or if it was the actual truth. ‘I knew it before we—well, yeah. But I guess I got lonely and just—anyway. It was just those few times. And it’s nothing more.’
‘Okay, if you say so.’ I really hoped he was being truthful. ‘It’s just… you can’t trust Cooper with much of anything. Especially not your heart. He’ll break it, no matter what.’
‘Oh, I know.’ He stretched. ‘Trust me, there’s no underlying feelings there. So he hasn’t been to see you?’
‘No.’ I fiddled with my phone again. ‘He doesn’t answer my messages either. Not that that’s unusual, but I almost died. I would’ve thought he’d be a little interested in knowing what was going on.’
‘I’m sorry, Josh.’
I shrugged.
‘I know what he’s like. It’s not really a surprise. He’s likely on a bender somewhere.’
Tyler sighed.
‘Yeah, he does that, doesn’t he?’
Cooper was all about two things: sex and alcohol. If he was on a bender, he wouldn’t even check his phone, so he’d have no idea what had happened.
The door opened again and Damian stepped inside.
‘Back already?’ I asked, perplexed. ‘You just left.’
‘That’s a bit of an exaggeration.’ He smiled slightly. ‘It’s been a couple hours.’
‘You’ve had time to eat?’ I was skeptical.
‘Yeah. I ate and then I came back here.’ He nodded at Tyler, who nodded back.
‘You could’ve stayed longer.’ I hadn’t wanted him rush there and back. I could manage a few hours on my own.
‘That’s my cue to leave then.’ Tyler got to his feet. He smiled at me. ‘If you want visitors, just text me. Anytime. If not, hit me up when you get out and we’ll meet.’
I nodded, smiling in return.